The Soul Puzzle, Part 5
Title: The Soul Puzzle
Pairings: Dean/Castiel
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: up to and including 6.22
Warnings: slash, AU, dom!Cas, sub!Dean, bare backing, knotting, dark, destruction of a religious site
Word Count: 43,595
Note: This fic was written for the deancasbigbang 2012.
Summary: A year after the events of 6.22, Castiel awakes on the floor of a decadent mansion with little memory of what has happened and only Dean, whose soul has been horribly maimed, nearby. Can he figure out what happened and heal Dean? Especially when the horrible truth slowly starts to emerge?
Beta: aerilex
Artist: syrahde - Art Masterlist
With the knowledge that Dean was finally safe and would need some time to begin recovering from his ordeal, Castiel had taken the opportunity to begin some of the other amends that he needed to make. Over the course of the months that he'd searched for the soul shards, he'd carefully kept track of each and every action of his evil twin that he could make up for and now he began to go through the list. It would never be enough to make up for all of the pain and misery that he'd caused, but it was all that he could do and so he would do it.
Due to his new awareness of his beloved, Castiel knew the moment that his hunter woke from his sleep. The fact that Dean instantly reached out for him along their strengthened bond touched him deeply and he sent a wordless message of reassurance and comfort back. He forced himself to do a few more of the items on his list in order to give Sam and Bobby some much needed time with his human before he was unable to stay away from Dean any longer.
Castiel flew back to Bobby's but landed on the roof just beside the window to his former charge's room instead of simply appearing inside when he detected Sam's presence within.
"Are you sure that there's nothing else you need?" Sam asked. "Water, food, anything?"
"For the last time, no, Sam. I'm fine."
Sam snorted. "Like I've never heard that before. In fact I can definitely remember you saying it just before face planting in the dirt that once."
"Once and there were extenuating circumstances!" Dean protested.
"Uh huh, of course there were."
"Bite me, Bitch."
"Jerk."
It had never before occurred to Castiel that those two rude words would one day become music to his ears, but they most definitely were now.
"Oh no, stop that right now," Dean ordered.
"Stop what?"
"Thinking. I know that look and it's not happening. We're not having a talk so you can just take your girlie feelings and stuff 'em."
"Dean-"
"Ah! What did I just say?"
"Dean, be serious."
"I'm not listening. See this, this is me not listening."
"We need to talk-"
"Na na, na na na. I can't hear you."
"Castiel."
The utterance of his name made Castiel look up, startled. He half expected to find Sam at the window, looking out at him, having discovered his presence. But no, his friend was not there and hadn't even moved as far as he could tell, which meant that it wasn't his presence which had caused Sam to say his name. Dread filled him as he realized what this was about.
"What about Cas?" Dean demanded, voice suddenly defensive and it warmed him in a most peculiar way, especially since he could feel the protectiveness as well as hear it.
It was with a start that Castiel realized that there was absolutely no way that his beloved didn't know that he was here, right outside the window. The increased strength of their bond meant that even as a human, Dean would be incredibly aware of it and able to detect things from it that his hunter never would have been able to before. For once he felt guilty at invading a situation he was now sure would be considered private by human standards, but the wave of reassurance and comfort he got from Dean kept him where he was. If his beloved didn't mind that he was here then he wasn't going to leave.
"Come on, Dean, drop the act. You know what I want to talk about," Sam continued and Castiel felt a twinge of hurt, but he quickly buried it, knowing his friend had every right to be wary and distrustful of him.
"No, I don't."
"It's okay to say if you don't want to see him again. Bobby and I can angel proof the house, make sure that he can't get back in."
"Why the hell would I want you to do that?"
The righteous indignation in Dean's tone made Castiel shake his head. Only his beloved could ask such a question after all that he had done, though he was more than a little surprised at the speed of the forgiveness. Even Sam had been forced to repent more than this before his friend had been able to earn the forgiveness of his brother. So why was he getting preferential treatment? He definitely hadn't done anything to deserve it, that was for sure.
"Why? Dean, he tore apart your soul!"
"Yeah and then he went out of his way to put it all back together again. Besides, it wasn't him, it was the monster souls."
"Dean-"
"What, you don't think so?"
"It's not that. What happened to you had to be traumatic, if you need to recover from that, Bobby and I can keep Cas away."
"No."
"Are you sure, Dean?"
"Yeah. What's your problem anyway? I thought you two had made up."
"We did. This isn't about me, Dean, it's about you. You and Cas."
"So, what, you'd lock him out even though you forgave him?"
"If that's what you wanted or needed, sure."
Relief and satisfaction rose within Castiel and he couldn't help but smile when he felt Dean's answering annoyance to the latter emotion. He knew his human had never been able to see his own worth so he was pleased to see Sam so prepared to put aside his own needs in order to prioritize Dean's. His smile only grew as he realized that with the strengthened bond he'd be able to ensure that his beloved was never unaware of precisely what his feelings for him were. It would go a long way towards helping his hunter overcome his feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-worth.
"You've still got that look."
"It's just... he tore apart your soul! I mean, yeah, I can't even begin to know what that feels like, but having experienced firsthand how awful it is to have a fileted soul, I... I just don't get it."
"Sammy."
"Help me out here, man. I'm trying, I'm really trying to get it."
"Okay, listen up because I'm only going to say this once. You know where the evil twin put the final part of my soul, right?"
The use of the words 'evil twin' made Castiel start and it suddenly dawned on him just how thoroughly the last soul shard had been affecting him even before it had fully recovered. All of those human urges and sensations that he'd been experiencing during the past few months had come from it. He only just managed to keep himself from laughing aloud at the realization. Of course Dean had found some way to defy all odds and managed to influence an angel even while maimed, injured and essentially as confined as a vessel would be. Suddenly he couldn't help but wonder just exactly what would have transpired if his hunter had said yes to Michael and his brother had taken Dean. Would his beloved have managed to exert some kind of influence over the first created archangel? The very idea should have been laughable and yet here he was, seriously considering it even as he was thankful to never have had to find out firsthand.
"Yeah, he took it into him."
"Exactly, which means that I've been in his very Grace for God knows how long. And don't even dare go there!"
"Wouldn't dream of it."
"You better not, 'cause that'd just be sick."
"Dean."
"I'm just saying. Anyway, while I don't remember most of it, I remember enough to know how Cas feels about it all and trust me when I say that he could give you a run for your money when it comes to self-flagellation."
"You know what he felt?"
"Dude, I was in his Grace, that's like his version of a soul. You can't hide anything there, trust me. He knows how wrong he was to do what he did and nothing we say will do anything but make us feel better. But I can also state that he really did believe that what he was doing was right and all of his intentions were pure."
To hear his beloved say all of that made emotions swell within Castiel that he couldn't even begin to understand. All he knew was that it felt good and that was all that he needed to know. He didn't care what anyone else thought or said, so long as Dean knew the truth it was enough for him.
"So the road to Hell and all of that?" Sam questioned.
"Pretty much."
"Man, I wish we wouldn't keep doing that."
Dean laughed. "He really is one of us now, isn't he?"
"Oh, I don't think anything short of you telling him to shove off would get rid of him."
"Yeah and that's not happening. Ever."
Without thinking, Castiel wrapped his Grace tightly around the bond only loosening it slightly when he heard a slightly strangled sound from within the room.
"Shit, Dean, are you okay?" Sam inquired worriedly.
"Yeah, yeah, 's nothing," Dean replied but even Castiel could hear the emotion choking his hunter's voice.
"You sure? 'Cause I don't have to go, Bobby can do the shopping by himself."
"No, I'm fine, you go help Bobby."
"But-"
"Besides, I've got Cas if I need anything. He's just a call away."
Sam snorted. "You tested that?"
"Don't need to."
Even if he wasn't currently able to feel everything that his human did, Castiel would have known that Dean really meant that. Apparently so could Sam as his friend didn't raise the issue again, instead getting to his feet.
"Okay, well in that case I'd better get going before Bobby comes looking to see what's taking me so long," Sam said, an edge of uncertainty still in his voice.
For once Castiel could easily empathize with his friend. After all that had happened and having had to put up with the shade for as long as they had, he hadn't wanted to leave Dean's side earlier either. He'd not really had a choice as there were things which he simply had to do, so he wasn't quite sure what was giving Sam the motivation his friend needed to walk away, but he wondered if it didn't have to do with something Sam had told him once. How if one wasn't careful, that it was possible to scare Dean with too much emotion. He hadn't thought that was strictly true even back then and now he knew that he was right. It wasn't too much emotion, but rather the illusion of too much emotion without something more concrete to back it up.
Something like the bond between him and his beloved now which most definitely shattered the idea of there being any kind of illusion as far as his emotions for his human were concerned.
After Sam left, Castiel hardly even waited for Dean's whispered "Cas" before flying into the room. He landed on the bed, just a short distance from his beloved human. His hunter leaned in, head slightly tilted and he found himself responding automatically though he knew that they had a lot they really needed to talk about.
Castiel found it hard to be good though when he could feel Dean's desire and need for this almost as strongly as his own. It was singing between them and his human clearly wanted to act on it so he allowed it to take control, closing the remaining gap between them to claim Dean's lips in a kiss.
The difference between kissing Dean and kissing the shade was blaringly obvious and Castiel cherished each and every indication that his human was clearly there with him. He kept the kiss gentle even as their passion rose, wanting to prove to his beloved how much he truly cared for him and he knew words meant little for his hunter. He wasn't sure how Dean felt about feelings as that had never arisen before, but he reached out with his Grace to cradle his human's soul even as he slowly lowered Dean back down onto the bed.
"Cas," Dean whispered once more when he broke the kiss to let his little one breathe.
There was a vulnerable look in his beloved's eyes followed by a silent fear echoing deep in his soul and Castiel shushed it with a brief kiss. "Hush, Dean. Your brother was right, the only way that I'd leave you was if I truly believed that you either wanted or needed it."
"I don't."
"I know."
In order to prove it, Castiel stole another kiss while he vanished his hunter's clothing. The temptation of all of that naked skin soon drew his mouth downward and he savored each and every sound that fell from his human's lips as he lavished his beloved's nipples with attention.
"Cas," Dean whined, half complaining as his hunter tugged at his clothing. "No fair."
Castiel smiled into the skin beneath his lips, pausing for a few seconds before obliging the request and vanishing his own clothing. He moaned as Dean's hands instantly took advantage and started to explore his vessel. The contrast between his human and the shade was made even sharper a moment later when one of Dean's hands fisted in his hair and used the grip to tug him upwards for a searing kiss. His plan to keep things gentle was quickly washing away in light of his hunter's demanding actions but as it was Dean's wish, he allowed it knowing it couldn't disguise the feelings he shared along their bond.
Dean's soul was trembling with them, clearly not knowing how to handle it all, but Castiel didn't think that it was a bad thing per se. Besides, his hunter had always required serious, undeniable proof when it came to being able to believe things like this and the intensity of it all should provide exactly that. He had a brief thought that his beloved would wish to be in charge during this encounter, but Dean's legs had already fallen open, cradling him between them and his human didn't seem to want to change that as he began moving against him.
It was only as he moved to prepare Dean as before that Castiel realized that he hadn't checked if his human wanted to do it that way. The memories that he'd shared with the shade had definitely seemed to indicate that his beloved didn't mind, but he didn't want to take anything for granted at this point.
"Dean," Castiel breathed, pulling his mouth away from his hunter's skin with difficulty. "Do you want lube?"
"Eh?" Dean replied, green eyes glazed with lust and arousal. "No, like before. Was good."
Not needing to be told twice, Castiel used his Grace to prep his beloved though he took more care to do so than before. Not only didn't he want to hurt his human, but he also wanted to introduce Dean to the other pleasures of bedding an angel.
"Cas!" Dean cried out when he used his Grace to stimulate his hunter's prostate.
The way his human writhed beneath him combined with the fact that he could feel everything his beloved currently felt was almost too much for Castiel and he stopped his teasing, not wanting either of them to come prematurely.
"G- shit, Cas, come on!"
His beloved followed his pleas with a thrust of his hips before latching onto the skin of his jaw and throat. Castiel could honestly say that he didn't know what his evil twin had been thinking when desiring a broken and obedient version of Dean, but frankly he didn't care and could only bring himself to pitying it. To strive for that when it could have easily have had this instead? It was madness pure and simple.
The way that Dean reacted, doing his damnedest to drive him insane with desire and pleasure was better than anything Castiel could recall from the memories and he lined himself up with his human's entrance. Slowly but steadily he pushed in, afraid that he would come before he'd truly been able to join with his hunter.
"Dean," Castiel breathed once he'd bottomed out.
"Cas," Dean brushed a feather light kiss across his lips.
He waited until he was sure that his beloved was ready before moving. It was slower than anything which Castiel could remember from before, but it also felt far better. There was meaning to this and he could feel the answering realization in the soft sounds Dean made and the in the trembling of his human's soul. He lost track of time as they moved together like that, their eyes locked together, but then the need overwhelmed them both and his thrusts became more erratic. Dean coming was the final straw for him and he came immediately after, letting his hunter milk his orgasm from him and sending him under in a wave of pleasure and bliss.
Castiel frowned when he finally came down from his high and realized that his beloved wasn't experiencing the same afterglow that he was.
"Dean?" Castiel inquired worriedly.
"You didn't knot," Dean replied, his eyes troubled. "You just..."
"No, I didn't think that you'd want me to."
"What? You can choose not to?"
"Knotting is not an angelic trait, Dean, it was something that I did because I was-"
"Under the influence of the souls?"
"Yes."
Instead of making it better, his answer seemed to have made things worse and Castiel desperately tried to think about what he'd said that could have upset Dean like this. He couldn't come up with anything which merely frustrated him. This had been their first true time together without either of them being under the influence of anything but their own free will and he'd hoped that would make it better than ever before. And it had been for him, until now. The thought that his human hadn't enjoyed it as much as he had hurt, but mostly because it meant that he hadn't been able to provide Dean with what it was that his beloved needed.
"What's wrong, Dean?"
"Nothing," Dean lied, rolling away. "Just ignore me, I'm being stupid."
"No, I won't ignore you," Castiel replied, reaching out to pull his hunter towards him so that he could look into his eyes. "Tell me what I've done wrong."
"Nothing, you haven't done anything wrong."
"Yes I have or you wouldn't be this upset."
"Just drop it, Cas."
"This is about the knotting."
"Cas."
Castiel tried to understand as he looked deeply into his beloved's eyes and through them to the newly healed and unblemished soul beyond. Unlike before where it had been vibrating and beaming during their mating, it was now pulled back from him and he could feel loneliness and disappointment radiating from it along with the absolute last thing that he'd expected to feel from Dean's soul in regards to him.
Rejection.
At first Castiel wanted to pull back, sure that his human was rejecting him, having finally realized all that he'd done to him and how appalling it all was, but then he realized that he had it wrong. Dean wasn't rejecting him, rather his beloved was feeling rejected by him. Shock was far too tame a word to describe his reaction to that. How could his precious hunter possibly think that he didn't want him? His human had believed it, though barely, before they'd mated, so why did Dean doubt it so completely now? What had he-
Ah, the knotting.
"You wanted to be knotted," Castiel realized, dipping his head to follow Dean's gaze when his beloved glanced down. "Dean, the only reason I didn't knot you now is because I thought you wouldn't want it."
"What? Why?"
"Because of the possessiveness of the act. I only did it before because I wanted to claim you fully; to own you."
"So you don't like knotting?"
"That's not what I said. Dean, I love you with everything that I am. Even the influence of the Purgatory souls couldn't break that connection, they merely twisted and perverted it as they did the rest of me. But even then, when imbued by pure evil, I still couldn't let you go. That's how much I want and love you Dean and that's why I didn't knot you now. I didn't think that you'd want it. But if you do, then I will be happy to do so from now on."
"Yeah?" Dean asked.
"Yes," Castiel confirmed, kissing his hunter.
The soul in his arms trembled and Castiel could sense it wanting to believe him but not quite able to just yet despite their newly strengthened bond, far too used to having that which he wanted stolen from him. He'd just have to prove to Dean that he meant every word that he said and he knew just how to start. Once he'd understood what it was about the knotting that his mate wanted he knew how to give his hunter that same sense of connectedness with him without a knot.
"Close your eyes," Castiel whispered.
He was pretty sure that after all that they'd experienced together that Dean would be able to stand the sight of his wings without his eyes burning, but he wanted to be sure before he tested that theory. It was a relief how quickly and easily his beloved complied and he savored the shocked intake of breath when he manifested his wings and wrapped them around Dean.
"Cas, is that- are those-?"
"My wings? Yes, Dean."
The little broken noise that his beloved made would have worried Castiel greatly if it weren't for the accompanying emotions that flooded the bond. Instead it gave him hope that with a little time he really would be able to show his human precisely how precious and deserving of love he was.
A.N.: Phew and it's here! This was originally gonna be my Destiel BB fic for last year before I got distracted by On a Wing and a Prayer, but the idea stayed with me and so it became this year's fic.
A huge thank you to both aerilex & syrahde! This fic wouldn't be what it is without you, girls!
Pairings: Dean/Castiel
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: up to and including 6.22
Warnings: slash, AU, dom!Cas, sub!Dean, bare backing, knotting, dark, destruction of a religious site
Word Count: 43,595
Note: This fic was written for the deancasbigbang 2012.
Summary: A year after the events of 6.22, Castiel awakes on the floor of a decadent mansion with little memory of what has happened and only Dean, whose soul has been horribly maimed, nearby. Can he figure out what happened and heal Dean? Especially when the horrible truth slowly starts to emerge?
Beta: aerilex
Artist: syrahde - Art Masterlist
With the knowledge that Dean was finally safe and would need some time to begin recovering from his ordeal, Castiel had taken the opportunity to begin some of the other amends that he needed to make. Over the course of the months that he'd searched for the soul shards, he'd carefully kept track of each and every action of his evil twin that he could make up for and now he began to go through the list. It would never be enough to make up for all of the pain and misery that he'd caused, but it was all that he could do and so he would do it.
Due to his new awareness of his beloved, Castiel knew the moment that his hunter woke from his sleep. The fact that Dean instantly reached out for him along their strengthened bond touched him deeply and he sent a wordless message of reassurance and comfort back. He forced himself to do a few more of the items on his list in order to give Sam and Bobby some much needed time with his human before he was unable to stay away from Dean any longer.
Castiel flew back to Bobby's but landed on the roof just beside the window to his former charge's room instead of simply appearing inside when he detected Sam's presence within.
"Are you sure that there's nothing else you need?" Sam asked. "Water, food, anything?"
"For the last time, no, Sam. I'm fine."
Sam snorted. "Like I've never heard that before. In fact I can definitely remember you saying it just before face planting in the dirt that once."
"Once and there were extenuating circumstances!" Dean protested.
"Uh huh, of course there were."
"Bite me, Bitch."
"Jerk."
It had never before occurred to Castiel that those two rude words would one day become music to his ears, but they most definitely were now.
"Oh no, stop that right now," Dean ordered.
"Stop what?"
"Thinking. I know that look and it's not happening. We're not having a talk so you can just take your girlie feelings and stuff 'em."
"Dean-"
"Ah! What did I just say?"
"Dean, be serious."
"I'm not listening. See this, this is me not listening."
"We need to talk-"
"Na na, na na na. I can't hear you."
"Castiel."
The utterance of his name made Castiel look up, startled. He half expected to find Sam at the window, looking out at him, having discovered his presence. But no, his friend was not there and hadn't even moved as far as he could tell, which meant that it wasn't his presence which had caused Sam to say his name. Dread filled him as he realized what this was about.
"What about Cas?" Dean demanded, voice suddenly defensive and it warmed him in a most peculiar way, especially since he could feel the protectiveness as well as hear it.
It was with a start that Castiel realized that there was absolutely no way that his beloved didn't know that he was here, right outside the window. The increased strength of their bond meant that even as a human, Dean would be incredibly aware of it and able to detect things from it that his hunter never would have been able to before. For once he felt guilty at invading a situation he was now sure would be considered private by human standards, but the wave of reassurance and comfort he got from Dean kept him where he was. If his beloved didn't mind that he was here then he wasn't going to leave.
"Come on, Dean, drop the act. You know what I want to talk about," Sam continued and Castiel felt a twinge of hurt, but he quickly buried it, knowing his friend had every right to be wary and distrustful of him.
"No, I don't."
"It's okay to say if you don't want to see him again. Bobby and I can angel proof the house, make sure that he can't get back in."
"Why the hell would I want you to do that?"
The righteous indignation in Dean's tone made Castiel shake his head. Only his beloved could ask such a question after all that he had done, though he was more than a little surprised at the speed of the forgiveness. Even Sam had been forced to repent more than this before his friend had been able to earn the forgiveness of his brother. So why was he getting preferential treatment? He definitely hadn't done anything to deserve it, that was for sure.
"Why? Dean, he tore apart your soul!"
"Yeah and then he went out of his way to put it all back together again. Besides, it wasn't him, it was the monster souls."
"Dean-"
"What, you don't think so?"
"It's not that. What happened to you had to be traumatic, if you need to recover from that, Bobby and I can keep Cas away."
"No."
"Are you sure, Dean?"
"Yeah. What's your problem anyway? I thought you two had made up."
"We did. This isn't about me, Dean, it's about you. You and Cas."
"So, what, you'd lock him out even though you forgave him?"
"If that's what you wanted or needed, sure."
Relief and satisfaction rose within Castiel and he couldn't help but smile when he felt Dean's answering annoyance to the latter emotion. He knew his human had never been able to see his own worth so he was pleased to see Sam so prepared to put aside his own needs in order to prioritize Dean's. His smile only grew as he realized that with the strengthened bond he'd be able to ensure that his beloved was never unaware of precisely what his feelings for him were. It would go a long way towards helping his hunter overcome his feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-worth.
"You've still got that look."
"It's just... he tore apart your soul! I mean, yeah, I can't even begin to know what that feels like, but having experienced firsthand how awful it is to have a fileted soul, I... I just don't get it."
"Sammy."
"Help me out here, man. I'm trying, I'm really trying to get it."
"Okay, listen up because I'm only going to say this once. You know where the evil twin put the final part of my soul, right?"
The use of the words 'evil twin' made Castiel start and it suddenly dawned on him just how thoroughly the last soul shard had been affecting him even before it had fully recovered. All of those human urges and sensations that he'd been experiencing during the past few months had come from it. He only just managed to keep himself from laughing aloud at the realization. Of course Dean had found some way to defy all odds and managed to influence an angel even while maimed, injured and essentially as confined as a vessel would be. Suddenly he couldn't help but wonder just exactly what would have transpired if his hunter had said yes to Michael and his brother had taken Dean. Would his beloved have managed to exert some kind of influence over the first created archangel? The very idea should have been laughable and yet here he was, seriously considering it even as he was thankful to never have had to find out firsthand.
"Yeah, he took it into him."
"Exactly, which means that I've been in his very Grace for God knows how long. And don't even dare go there!"
"Wouldn't dream of it."
"You better not, 'cause that'd just be sick."
"Dean."
"I'm just saying. Anyway, while I don't remember most of it, I remember enough to know how Cas feels about it all and trust me when I say that he could give you a run for your money when it comes to self-flagellation."
"You know what he felt?"
"Dude, I was in his Grace, that's like his version of a soul. You can't hide anything there, trust me. He knows how wrong he was to do what he did and nothing we say will do anything but make us feel better. But I can also state that he really did believe that what he was doing was right and all of his intentions were pure."
To hear his beloved say all of that made emotions swell within Castiel that he couldn't even begin to understand. All he knew was that it felt good and that was all that he needed to know. He didn't care what anyone else thought or said, so long as Dean knew the truth it was enough for him.
"So the road to Hell and all of that?" Sam questioned.
"Pretty much."
"Man, I wish we wouldn't keep doing that."
Dean laughed. "He really is one of us now, isn't he?"
"Oh, I don't think anything short of you telling him to shove off would get rid of him."
"Yeah and that's not happening. Ever."
Without thinking, Castiel wrapped his Grace tightly around the bond only loosening it slightly when he heard a slightly strangled sound from within the room.
"Shit, Dean, are you okay?" Sam inquired worriedly.
"Yeah, yeah, 's nothing," Dean replied but even Castiel could hear the emotion choking his hunter's voice.
"You sure? 'Cause I don't have to go, Bobby can do the shopping by himself."
"No, I'm fine, you go help Bobby."
"But-"
"Besides, I've got Cas if I need anything. He's just a call away."
Sam snorted. "You tested that?"
"Don't need to."
Even if he wasn't currently able to feel everything that his human did, Castiel would have known that Dean really meant that. Apparently so could Sam as his friend didn't raise the issue again, instead getting to his feet.
"Okay, well in that case I'd better get going before Bobby comes looking to see what's taking me so long," Sam said, an edge of uncertainty still in his voice.
For once Castiel could easily empathize with his friend. After all that had happened and having had to put up with the shade for as long as they had, he hadn't wanted to leave Dean's side earlier either. He'd not really had a choice as there were things which he simply had to do, so he wasn't quite sure what was giving Sam the motivation his friend needed to walk away, but he wondered if it didn't have to do with something Sam had told him once. How if one wasn't careful, that it was possible to scare Dean with too much emotion. He hadn't thought that was strictly true even back then and now he knew that he was right. It wasn't too much emotion, but rather the illusion of too much emotion without something more concrete to back it up.
Something like the bond between him and his beloved now which most definitely shattered the idea of there being any kind of illusion as far as his emotions for his human were concerned.
After Sam left, Castiel hardly even waited for Dean's whispered "Cas" before flying into the room. He landed on the bed, just a short distance from his beloved human. His hunter leaned in, head slightly tilted and he found himself responding automatically though he knew that they had a lot they really needed to talk about.
Castiel found it hard to be good though when he could feel Dean's desire and need for this almost as strongly as his own. It was singing between them and his human clearly wanted to act on it so he allowed it to take control, closing the remaining gap between them to claim Dean's lips in a kiss.
The difference between kissing Dean and kissing the shade was blaringly obvious and Castiel cherished each and every indication that his human was clearly there with him. He kept the kiss gentle even as their passion rose, wanting to prove to his beloved how much he truly cared for him and he knew words meant little for his hunter. He wasn't sure how Dean felt about feelings as that had never arisen before, but he reached out with his Grace to cradle his human's soul even as he slowly lowered Dean back down onto the bed.
"Cas," Dean whispered once more when he broke the kiss to let his little one breathe.
There was a vulnerable look in his beloved's eyes followed by a silent fear echoing deep in his soul and Castiel shushed it with a brief kiss. "Hush, Dean. Your brother was right, the only way that I'd leave you was if I truly believed that you either wanted or needed it."
"I don't."
"I know."
In order to prove it, Castiel stole another kiss while he vanished his hunter's clothing. The temptation of all of that naked skin soon drew his mouth downward and he savored each and every sound that fell from his human's lips as he lavished his beloved's nipples with attention.
"Cas," Dean whined, half complaining as his hunter tugged at his clothing. "No fair."
Castiel smiled into the skin beneath his lips, pausing for a few seconds before obliging the request and vanishing his own clothing. He moaned as Dean's hands instantly took advantage and started to explore his vessel. The contrast between his human and the shade was made even sharper a moment later when one of Dean's hands fisted in his hair and used the grip to tug him upwards for a searing kiss. His plan to keep things gentle was quickly washing away in light of his hunter's demanding actions but as it was Dean's wish, he allowed it knowing it couldn't disguise the feelings he shared along their bond.
Dean's soul was trembling with them, clearly not knowing how to handle it all, but Castiel didn't think that it was a bad thing per se. Besides, his hunter had always required serious, undeniable proof when it came to being able to believe things like this and the intensity of it all should provide exactly that. He had a brief thought that his beloved would wish to be in charge during this encounter, but Dean's legs had already fallen open, cradling him between them and his human didn't seem to want to change that as he began moving against him.
It was only as he moved to prepare Dean as before that Castiel realized that he hadn't checked if his human wanted to do it that way. The memories that he'd shared with the shade had definitely seemed to indicate that his beloved didn't mind, but he didn't want to take anything for granted at this point.
"Dean," Castiel breathed, pulling his mouth away from his hunter's skin with difficulty. "Do you want lube?"
"Eh?" Dean replied, green eyes glazed with lust and arousal. "No, like before. Was good."
Not needing to be told twice, Castiel used his Grace to prep his beloved though he took more care to do so than before. Not only didn't he want to hurt his human, but he also wanted to introduce Dean to the other pleasures of bedding an angel.
"Cas!" Dean cried out when he used his Grace to stimulate his hunter's prostate.
The way his human writhed beneath him combined with the fact that he could feel everything his beloved currently felt was almost too much for Castiel and he stopped his teasing, not wanting either of them to come prematurely.
"G- shit, Cas, come on!"
His beloved followed his pleas with a thrust of his hips before latching onto the skin of his jaw and throat. Castiel could honestly say that he didn't know what his evil twin had been thinking when desiring a broken and obedient version of Dean, but frankly he didn't care and could only bring himself to pitying it. To strive for that when it could have easily have had this instead? It was madness pure and simple.
The way that Dean reacted, doing his damnedest to drive him insane with desire and pleasure was better than anything Castiel could recall from the memories and he lined himself up with his human's entrance. Slowly but steadily he pushed in, afraid that he would come before he'd truly been able to join with his hunter.
"Dean," Castiel breathed once he'd bottomed out.
"Cas," Dean brushed a feather light kiss across his lips.
He waited until he was sure that his beloved was ready before moving. It was slower than anything which Castiel could remember from before, but it also felt far better. There was meaning to this and he could feel the answering realization in the soft sounds Dean made and the in the trembling of his human's soul. He lost track of time as they moved together like that, their eyes locked together, but then the need overwhelmed them both and his thrusts became more erratic. Dean coming was the final straw for him and he came immediately after, letting his hunter milk his orgasm from him and sending him under in a wave of pleasure and bliss.
Castiel frowned when he finally came down from his high and realized that his beloved wasn't experiencing the same afterglow that he was.
"Dean?" Castiel inquired worriedly.
"You didn't knot," Dean replied, his eyes troubled. "You just..."
"No, I didn't think that you'd want me to."
"What? You can choose not to?"
"Knotting is not an angelic trait, Dean, it was something that I did because I was-"
"Under the influence of the souls?"
"Yes."
Instead of making it better, his answer seemed to have made things worse and Castiel desperately tried to think about what he'd said that could have upset Dean like this. He couldn't come up with anything which merely frustrated him. This had been their first true time together without either of them being under the influence of anything but their own free will and he'd hoped that would make it better than ever before. And it had been for him, until now. The thought that his human hadn't enjoyed it as much as he had hurt, but mostly because it meant that he hadn't been able to provide Dean with what it was that his beloved needed.
"What's wrong, Dean?"
"Nothing," Dean lied, rolling away. "Just ignore me, I'm being stupid."
"No, I won't ignore you," Castiel replied, reaching out to pull his hunter towards him so that he could look into his eyes. "Tell me what I've done wrong."
"Nothing, you haven't done anything wrong."
"Yes I have or you wouldn't be this upset."
"Just drop it, Cas."
"This is about the knotting."
"Cas."
Castiel tried to understand as he looked deeply into his beloved's eyes and through them to the newly healed and unblemished soul beyond. Unlike before where it had been vibrating and beaming during their mating, it was now pulled back from him and he could feel loneliness and disappointment radiating from it along with the absolute last thing that he'd expected to feel from Dean's soul in regards to him.
Rejection.
At first Castiel wanted to pull back, sure that his human was rejecting him, having finally realized all that he'd done to him and how appalling it all was, but then he realized that he had it wrong. Dean wasn't rejecting him, rather his beloved was feeling rejected by him. Shock was far too tame a word to describe his reaction to that. How could his precious hunter possibly think that he didn't want him? His human had believed it, though barely, before they'd mated, so why did Dean doubt it so completely now? What had he-
Ah, the knotting.
"You wanted to be knotted," Castiel realized, dipping his head to follow Dean's gaze when his beloved glanced down. "Dean, the only reason I didn't knot you now is because I thought you wouldn't want it."
"What? Why?"
"Because of the possessiveness of the act. I only did it before because I wanted to claim you fully; to own you."
"So you don't like knotting?"
"That's not what I said. Dean, I love you with everything that I am. Even the influence of the Purgatory souls couldn't break that connection, they merely twisted and perverted it as they did the rest of me. But even then, when imbued by pure evil, I still couldn't let you go. That's how much I want and love you Dean and that's why I didn't knot you now. I didn't think that you'd want it. But if you do, then I will be happy to do so from now on."
"Yeah?" Dean asked.
"Yes," Castiel confirmed, kissing his hunter.
The soul in his arms trembled and Castiel could sense it wanting to believe him but not quite able to just yet despite their newly strengthened bond, far too used to having that which he wanted stolen from him. He'd just have to prove to Dean that he meant every word that he said and he knew just how to start. Once he'd understood what it was about the knotting that his mate wanted he knew how to give his hunter that same sense of connectedness with him without a knot.
"Close your eyes," Castiel whispered.
He was pretty sure that after all that they'd experienced together that Dean would be able to stand the sight of his wings without his eyes burning, but he wanted to be sure before he tested that theory. It was a relief how quickly and easily his beloved complied and he savored the shocked intake of breath when he manifested his wings and wrapped them around Dean.
"Cas, is that- are those-?"
"My wings? Yes, Dean."
The little broken noise that his beloved made would have worried Castiel greatly if it weren't for the accompanying emotions that flooded the bond. Instead it gave him hope that with a little time he really would be able to show his human precisely how precious and deserving of love he was.
A.N.: Phew and it's here! This was originally gonna be my Destiel BB fic for last year before I got distracted by On a Wing and a Prayer, but the idea stayed with me and so it became this year's fic.
A huge thank you to both aerilex & syrahde! This fic wouldn't be what it is without you, girls!