The Soul Puzzle, Part 3
Title: The Soul Puzzle
Pairings: Dean/Castiel
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: up to and including 6.22
Warnings: slash, AU, dom!Cas, sub!Dean, bare backing, knotting, dark, destruction of a religious site
Word Count: 43,595
Note: This fic was written for the deancasbigbang 2012.
Summary: A year after the events of 6.22, Castiel awakes on the floor of a decadent mansion with little memory of what has happened and only Dean, whose soul has been horribly maimed, nearby. Can he figure out what happened and heal Dean? Especially when the horrible truth slowly starts to emerge?
Beta: aerilex
Artist: syrahde - Art Masterlist
Although Castiel had not thought that there was particularly much to tell, it had grown dark out by the time that he had finished his tale. Bobby had interrupted him frequently, demanding details he often didn't know but he had done his best to answer each and every question to the best of his ability. The only thing that he hadn't told the hunter about was the exact nature of what his relationship with Dean had been as he knew that his former charge wouldn't want Bobby to know. For all that his human was loud and brash, he had often observed that when it came to the really important things, Dean played things close to the chest, often using innuendo and lewd remarks as a smokescreen to distract people from the fact that he was hiding something.
No, there were some truths about what had happened that were Dean's to reveal or keep hidden as his hunter saw fit. If his human was ever able to do so again anyway.
"So let me get this straight, you hid those soul shards all over the world?" Bobby questioned.
"It would appear so from the two that I have already found."
"You really don't do anything by half, do you?"
Castiel strongly suspect that the question was rhetorical and so he kept quiet. Despite the seemingly innocuous nature of the question, he could detect the rage that simmered just beneath the surface and he had no desire to provoke it. Despite that he was glad for it as what he'd done was atrocious and no one who liked Dean let alone loved him as much as he knew the hunter did could not be anything but furious at him for having done it.
"So what do you need my help for?" Bobby asked.
"I need you to tell me where I've been this past year so that I may search each and every location for a soul shard."
"And what if you hid any in other remote locations like the one you put at the top of the Himalayas?"
"I will search the entirety of the globe if I must, but that will take far more time than a more coordinated effort would."
"Fine, I'll help, but-"
"Not for me, yes, I know."
"And I want to see Dean."
That demand caught Castiel off-guard. "I have told you, it isn't Dean, not anymore and perhaps never again."
"Now you look here, you no good pompous bastard," Bobby thundered, getting right up into his face. "You will bring Dean here and let me see him for myself. You got that?"
"I don't think you understand what it means for a soul to be thus mutilated."
"And I don't even trust you as far as I can throw you. And, yes, that's a fucking metaphor."
Castiel closed his eyes for a moment. He didn't have much choice in the matter but he had hoped to keep the shade safely secluded on the island that he'd apparently appropriated until it was either better or he knew for sure that it never would be again. He was pretty sure that Dean would never have wanted anyone to see him like this, but if it meant the difference between having Bobby's help and attempting to find all of the soul shards on his own, then he knew what he had to do. At least if Dean objected to his decision here it would mean that his precious human was once again whole enough to do so.
"Very well."
"Good. Now, what was this about some darkness within you?"
"Huh?"
"You said that you felt a darkness within you, what the hell is it?"
"Oh, I am not sure. I've not yet had the time to properly investigate it."
"Then perhaps you should make time, you dumbass."
"You think?"
"Yes, I think! The last thing we need is you going Dark Side on us again."
Oh, of course, Bobby wasn't asking because the hunter was worried about him, but because Bobby was afraid that he'd hurt them again. There was a part of Castiel that cried out in protest against the idea. He'd been Bobby's friend after all, had stood and fought beside him and this was how he was repaid?
Castiel could hardly believe what he'd just thought and immediately tried to suppress the voice. It was surprisingly hard to do as it was amazingly persistent, but he managed to do so in the end. It was only his sheer determination to not succumb to his own weaknesses and become what he'd been before that allowed him to win. It disturbed him greatly that there was a part of him- any part of him- that felt so strongly about this, so righteously about it, but it was there nonetheless. He'd have to meditate on it later and see if he couldn't purge himself of that aspect of himself. Self-righteousness was a dangerous trait for an angel to have, much less one of his background and apparent inclinations. He shuddered to think of what else he might do if he didn't learn to listen to those around him who were trying so desperately to point him towards the right path.
If he didn't learn to listen to Dean.
Well, if his hunter wasn't already lost to him forever.
"That will not happen," Castiel stated quietly.
"How can you be sure?"
"Because the Purgatory souls are gone and without them I am in control of myself. I now merely have some Darkness within me much as all humans do."
An animalistic cry suddenly rang out, cutting Bobby off before the hunter could say anymore. Castiel stiffened as he realized exactly who had made that cry. It was hard to believe as it had hardly even sounded human, but the way the hunter before him reacted to it and the fact that it had come from upstairs, from one of the bedrooms if he wasn't very much mistaken, pretty much confirmed his suspicions.
"Dammit, I was hoping he'd stay down for the rest of the afternoon," Bobby muttered, turning to grab an unopened bottle of water from the kitchen table.
Silently Castiel followed the other man upstairs, his vessel's heart hammering rapidly in his chest as dread rose swiftly within him. There was a far cry between knowing precisely what it was that he'd inflicted upon a friend and actually witnessing it firsthand and he wasn't sure that he was ready for this, but he refused to hide downstairs like some spineless coward.
"Come to see your dirty work, huh?" Bobby demanded when the hunter looked back over his shoulder at him while opening the door to Sam's room.
"I- If you wish for me to wait downstairs, then I'll do so," Castiel offered.
"No, better for you to see what you did."
Sam had been tied securely to the bed, though Castiel could see that Bobby had taken care to ensure that there was sufficient padding beneath the restraints so that his friend would not be injured when he fought the restraints as he was doing right now. The mattress on which Sam lay looked to be soft as well, but it was bare of any sheets or pillows. All of the other furniture in the room had also been shoved well away from the bed so that there was absolutely no chance of Sam reaching any of it short of getting free from his restraints first.
Bobby, clearly, had seen where his attention had wandered. "Do you know how hard it is to keep someone like Sam tied down?" the hunter demanded. "During his more lucid moments, he's able to use anything as either a weapon or means with which to break free. John definitely didn't skimp on their training when it came to escape tactics and using whatever just so happens to be handy."
The room assessed, Castiel was unable to put off focusing his full attention on his friend any longer. When he'd originally destroyed part of the wall that Death had created in Sam's mind, he'd had every intention of restoring it later just as he'd told Dean and therefore he'd been very careful about the damage that he'd caused. As Dean's memory had shown him, though, he'd messed with it again after gaining the Purgatory souls and that time he'd not been nearly so careful. The destruction now was far more extensive and would be harder to repair, but he was pretty sure that he could still do it.
"What are those?" Castiel inquired as he watched Bobby shake two small pills from a bottle, one white and the other yellow.
"One's an anti-psychotic and the other's a sedative. It's the only combination I've found that seems to work."
"They will not be necessary."
"What?"
"Sam will not require them, I believe I can repair the damage that I caused."
Bobby stared at him in disbelief, clearly not able to believe it. "What do you mean, you think you can repair it?"
"It is somewhat more extensive than I had anticipated, but I'm quite confident that I can still repair it. And even if I cannot mend all of the damage, I will be able to repair most of it, which will make him far more lucid than he is now. More lucid even than he was before I attacked his wall the second time."
Castiel could see the indecision warring on Bobby's face and he remained quiet. He'd said all that he needed to and knew that the hunter would make the correct choice because they both knew that leaving Sam as he currently was- hardly more than a snarling, mindless animal- was simply not an option. Anything would be better than this and Bobby loved the boy too much not to take the chance.
"Fine, but if I even suspect that you're hurting him further then so help me God, I'll fry you alive in Holy oil!" Bobby threatened.
"And I would allow you to do so," Castiel replied honestly, because he would, but only after he'd done all that he could to save Dean first.
With a distrustful look, Bobby stepped back and allowed Castiel to approach the bed. The moment that Sam caught sight of him, his friend froze for a moment before renewing his struggles with greater energy than before. What had been random cries, grunts and growls now turned into a long drawn out howl of terror and he paused for a moment to gather his strength before settling himself on the mattress beside Sam.
This was far more like what Castiel had been expecting from the shade all along and that was comforting in some strange, bizarre way even as it cut him deep. A part of his Grace was fluttering most unexpectedly inside of his vessel and he tried to calm it in order to concentrate on what he had to do. This would take all of his power as it was and he had no time or room for such distractions. He could worry about how it all affected him emotionally later, now they would only get in the way and the last thing that he wanted was to make a mistake.
Once Castiel was sure that he had himself fully under control, he reached out and placed his left hand on Sam's face, forcing his friend's head back into the mattress. Slowly he reached out towards his friend's soul, afraid of what he was going to find. It was pretty much as he expected it to be which was nice for a change as lately everything had been far, far worse than he'd expected it to be. It also meant that he knew exactly what he needed to do in order to fix it, or come as close to doing so as he possibly could.
/
The blinding panic that Castiel had felt upon returning back to the Maldives and sensing the shade's location far out at sea slowly started to fade as he stood back, watching it stand up against the glass, staring at the marine life swimming around at the other side of the barrier. He hadn't even known that this room existed, but apparently the former owners of the island had liked the idea of being able to 'interact' with the fauna of the ocean by coming down here to view it. The furniture in the room spoke for itself as to just how those owners had wanted to experience his Father's other creations. He just couldn't understand why they couldn't go out into the ocean and see it all for themselves the natural way.
Regardless of that, Castiel was immensely pleased to see that the shade was actually using the room to watch the fish. Not only was it doing so with far more interest than he knew any of the previous occupants of the room had, but it was also a sign that his efforts so far had not been in vain. Before he doubted that the shade would have cared enough or been independent enough to come down here or do anything else that he hadn't specifically ordered it to do. It was a small step forwards, but one he was glad for nonetheless, especially coming right on the heels of his success with restoring Sam's wall and it all left him with the peculiar urge to celebrate.
Almost as if sensing that he was there, the shade turned around to face him and smiled. Castiel was unable to do anything but return it and he motioned for it to join him as he took a seat on one of the room's many plush seats. The shade complied eagerly, coming to curl up at his side though he was pleased to see that it turned its attention back to the multitude of colorful fish swimming around outside of the underwater observation chamber.
Castiel watched them for a short while as well before turning his attention back to the shade. The heat of its body soaking into him was a surprising pleasure and one that he'd never experienced before, or at least not that he could remember doing anyway. He'd always assumed that humans derived all of their enjoyment of physical proximity from sex, but that was clearly not the case. Even the soul shard was fairly humming with contentment at the moment just from the way they were seated and from the sensation of his hand carding through its hair. It was an unconscious action but one that he didn't mind as he liked the sensation and the shade clearly enjoyed it as well.
Slowly Castiel's thoughts drifted back to more important matters and he tried to figure out where to start his search for more soul shards. He knew that both Bobby and Sam would be in contact with him soon, but it would take a while for the younger Winchester to reorient himself and getting Sam up to speed and able to help them would be Bobby's first priority. So that left him with what the TV had mentioned and what he'd learned from Dean's memory.
His hunter had thought of Mecca and not in a good way so Castiel decided to end his search there. First he would go to Rio de Janeiro and Tehran. Hopefully he would find a soul shard at one or more of those locations and by the time he'd reunited it with the others already within the shade, Bobby and Sam would be ready to help him find new locations to search.
The rumbling of the shade's stomach made him smile and he pulled them both to their feet.
"Come on, let's get you something to eat and then I need to go take care of some business."
"Do I need to come along, Cas?"
"No, not this time, but soon we'll go somewhere together."
Castiel just hoped that Dean would be able to forgive him later for letting his brother and friend see him like this as he knew that his human wouldn't want them too. But what else could he do? At least he knew that neither Sam nor Bobby would harm the shade, which was far more than what could be said for himself once they were confronted with the harsh reality of exactly what it was that he'd done.
He felt a pang deep within him at that thought but he ruthlessly suppressed it.
/
Both Rio de Janeiro and Tehran had proved fruitless as far as soul shards were concerned, though they had both unnerved Castiel deeply. Rio because of the larger than life statue of himself that stood perched on the hilltop overlooking the city, arms spread wide as if to welcome all of the wayward humans into his embrace. It had made him wonder if he'd showed more mercy to complete strangers than he had to his friends.
In Tehran it had been the stained glass windows of the newly converted cathedral that had upset Castiel. Instead of depicting various saints or scenes from the Bible, they had all depicted either him or things and people related to him. Dean, or at least the cowled figure that he was pretty sure was supposed to represent his human, featured prominently in the East facing rose window. It clearly indicated that though his anger at and punishment for the behavior that he'd deemed unacceptable from his hunter were formidable, he'd still insisted on Dean's importance to others. It saddened him in a way because if it weren't for his obsession with his former charge, he'd never have mutilated Dean's soul the way that he had. Although then he might simply have killed his hunter outright for his resistance and refusal to do as instructed.
That particular line of thought had vanished abruptly when Castiel had arrived in Mecca. Instead of finding the vibrant, beautiful city that he'd visited before during his search for his Father, he found desolation and destruction. Where the city had stood there was now a massive crater filled with the rubble and debris of what had stood there before.
Shock froze Castiel in place as he looked at the destruction in horror. Had he done this? He didn't want to even consider the mere possibility, but he couldn't think of any other reasonable explanation for it either. And that was even without considering Dean's thoughts when his human had thought of Mecca. His hunter had clearly wanted to avoid a repeat of what had happened here, which clearly implied that it had been nothing good. On the other hand, he couldn't quite mesh Dean's relatively calm manner when thinking of Mecca with this either. His former charge had still seemed to be himself enough at the time of the memory to never take this kind of loss of life so calmly. No, his hunter would be furious and would have stopped at nothing to ensure that Castiel could never do this again. Ever.
It was with an unbelievable sense of relief that Castiel realized that, despite the catastrophic destruction, the scent and feel of death that always accompanied large losses of life wasn't present here. It didn't cloak the ruins as a fitting shroud which meant that the city hadn't been occupied when he'd destroyed it. Either he'd not wanted to kill so many potential supplicants or Dean had been able to talk him into sparing them, but either way he must have sent them elsewhere before he'd decimated the city.
It by no means excused what he'd done here, but it made Castiel feel far better. He didn't know what he'd have done if he'd killed that many humans and all for refusing to bow down before him. Or at least he assumed that was the reason behind this destruction. It made the most sense and he'd clearly not taken challenges to his perceived authority very well, the appalling state of Dean's soul was proof enough of that. Luckily for the inhabitants of Mecca, though, they hadn't meant nearly as much to the Purgatory soul version of himself as Dean had. Otherwise he wasn't sure that he'd have spared them.
Still, even without the loss of life, Castiel knew that this was by no means a crime to simply write off. He'd destroyed countless homes, shops, businesses and more. Not to mention a thriving religious center that meant the world to those who followed Islam. The number of lives that he'd ruined here was staggering even if he'd spared their actual lives. The fact that it didn't even look like anyone had tried to clear the rubble or commence the rebuilding process, leaving it instead as it was, told him that he'd probably forbidden its renewal, wanting it to be kept as a testament of what happened to those who refused him and his will. It was little wonder that places like Tehran had fallen into line after a demonstration of power like this.
Castiel could only hope that Mecca would be rebuilt after word of his abrupt disappearance spread and was more widely believed. For now though he pushed his own feelings aside and reached out with his Grace instead, looking for a soul shard that he hoped he wouldn't find. Although he wanted to be able to restore Dean's soul as quickly as possible, he'd rather not that one of the shards of it had been left in the ruins here for an indefinable amount of time.
Relief was just starting to flood though Castiel when he felt the faintest flicker of something. Dismayed, he concentrated harder and felt it again. It was too weak for him to be sure, but he thought that it was another soul shard and he followed it back to its source in the remnants of the Kaaba. Apparently he'd liked to indulge a nasty sense of irony while he'd been under the influence of the Purgatory souls. It wasn't surprising unfortunately.
Mindful of any precious artifacts that might have survived his blind wrath, Castiel began searching for the soul shard. Unlike the others that he'd found so far, this one's presence didn't grow any stronger with proximity. If anything, it seemed to be dimming, as if it sought to hide itself from his gaze. That hurt more than he'd been expecting it to, but he really couldn't fault the soul shard for it, not when he'd been expecting precisely this kind of a reaction from all of the other soul shards. It did make him wonder why this one was different though. Could it be that its surroundings had adversely affected it? The last shard he'd found had thrived on being able to nourish and help a sapling grow. Here, however, there was absolutely nothing. Not even any unwanted weeds or vermin seemed to have taken up residence in the ruins. Instead they were a barren, lifeless landscape.
The mere thought that he'd left even a small part of Dean- who was always so vibrant and full of life- in a place like this made Castiel feel sick once more and he redoubled his efforts to find the lost soul shard. When he finally did a few hours later it was to discover it dim and limp within its container, a terracotta jar that he'd probably obtained from some stall before he'd destroyed everything. It was the first shard that he'd found which clearly showed the violence and unimaginably horrific circumstances of its creation.
All that Castiel wanted to do was take it into his Grace and both protect and nourish it until it was strong and healthy once more, as brilliant and vibrant as the other soul shards that he'd found already. The only problem with that plan was that it clearly wanted nothing to do with him, shying away and trembling every time he tried to touch it.
The rejection hurt far worse than anything that Castiel could ever have imagined, but he respected the soul shard's wishes and left it alone for now. Soon enough he'd have to touch it in order to return it to the shade, but he'd give it as much space as he could until then. He could only hope that being near the other soul shards and back within Dean's body where it belonged would allow it to heal. He wasn't sure what he'd do if it didn't.
Mission accomplished, Castiel took a moment to send a prayer to his Father for all of those people whose lives he'd ruined here before flying back to the Maldives.
/
The shade winced when Castiel opened the terracotta jar and it saw what lay within, but it still utterly failed to verbalize any kind of protest. Not that anything it said could dissuade him from his task, but it would be a far better sign of improvement than some interest in its surroundings as Dean had never done anything that his hunter didn't want to do without loudly proclaiming his dissatisfaction for all to hear.
It was the least of Castiel's worries now though as the newest soul shard did its best to keep away from him and once he did manage to take hold of it, it struggled weakly in his grasp. There was no danger of it getting away from him, but at the same time as it fought, it also gave off waves and waves of terror, loneliness and despair, all of which hit him like physical blows and were enough to send him reeling. He almost felt bad at having to put it into the shade, but that was the only way to try and restore Dean's soul enough to save his beloved human and it was also the best way of ending the soul shard's own misery and pain.
As soon as Castiel pushed the soul shard into the shade, he knew that his luck when it came to finding shards that fit into what he'd already pieced back together of Dean's soul had run out. There was none of the attraction that he'd felt before and his attempts to find where it could fit were all in vain. Not knowing what else to do, he simply released the new soul shard near the others to see what it would do. The shard pulled away from him immediately and gravitated to the others but then merely settled into an orbit around them, close enough to be bathed in their brilliance and glow, but not quite touching them either.
Since it seemed quite happy to remain there, Castiel left the soul shard and pulled out of the shade, pulling it close to him to soothe it through the aftershocks of the ordeal. He kept a close eye on the soul shards as he did so, but nothing seemed amiss though it was a while before he could begin to calm himself.
/
"Where's Dean?"
It was the first question out of Sam's mouth the moment that Castiel arrived. He'd finally gotten another prayer from Bobby and had come right away, being surprised to see that the two hunters had chosen to return to Bobby's house. Now that they didn't have to run from him anymore, it actually made more sense for them to return as the place contained all of their resources, but it would also require a certain amount of repair before being comfortably habitable once more.
"Bobby has explained what happened to Dean to you?" Castiel asked cautiously.
"That you tore his soul to shreds? Yeah, Bobby told me."
"Where is he, Castiel?" Bobby demanded. "You said you'd bring him."
"Reluctantly and I wished to assess the situation first," Castiel replied.
It wasn't strictly true, but was good enough an explanation. The truth was that Castiel had hoped that they wouldn't push, though he realized now that had been a hopeless wish. The other reason, and the more valid one, was that he'd wanted to give the shade a little more time to recover from having had its soul shards touched and manipulated. It was a painful experience for a fully intact soul and he hadn't yet managed to figure out if it was better or worse for the shade. He wasn't really sure that he wanted to know the answer to that.
"You wanted to assess the situation here first?" Sam thundered. "How dare you? After all that you've done?"
The part of Castiel that had protested Bobby's treatment of him before was acting up again but he ignored it. "What I've managed to restore of your brother is in a very vulnerable and fragile state at the moment, so, yes, I am taking every precaution necessary regardless of my past actions. Besides, he has not been around anyone else other than myself recently so I do not know how he'll react to seeing the two of you."
"Are you saying that you won't bring him?" Bobby questioned dangerously.
"No, merely that you will need to be careful and know that I have only managed to reunite four soul shards so he will not be the man that you know."
"Four? I thought it was three."
"I managed to locate another one in the Kaaba."
Bobby snorted. "What remains of it you mean."
"What remains..." Sam began trailing off as realization dawned. "You destroyed Mecca?!"
"Yes," Castiel admitted, looking down.
"What the hell else did you do?"
"I don't know."
"And isn't that convenient? First you go on a God trip, destroying things left, right and center and now you can't remember."
"I was under the influence of the Purgatory souls."
"Yeah, and whose fault was that?"
"Mine, I was not trying to debate that."
"No, you're just trying to make it out as if that was all that it was and that you can now claim that, since they're gone, you're back to your old self again and wouldn't do those things anymore."
That part of Castiel annoyed at these attacks flared to life again, angry and defensive at the accusations. "So, what, you're saying that there's nothing which can influence a person like that and make them do things that they otherwise would never even think of, much less consider, doing? If so then I suppose that you'd betray your brother for a demon again or willingly open Lucifer's cage and let him out once more? If it wasn't the demon blood making you do all of that."
The words were out before Castiel even realized what he was going to say and he regretted them at once. No matter how much truth there might be in them, he had no desire to throw the whole demon blood and Ruby incident back in Sam's face and he knew that his friend genuinely regretted how he'd acted and what he'd done back then. If anything he should be more sympathetic towards Sam about all of that now that he'd experienced something similar. Despite all of that, the words somehow made it out of him and he could only step back ashamed.
"I'm sorry, Sam, I should not have said that," Castiel apologized.
"I-" Sam began, face ashen with a stricken expression.
"No, you shouldn't have," Bobby agreed. "But there's more than a little truth in there too. Now, about Dean."
Castiel sighed, knowing that he'd bought as much time as he could. "I shall go get him, but please remember that it isn't really Dean, merely a shade of him and I don't know how he'll react to seeing the two of you once more."
With that, Castiel flew back to the Maldives and found the shade ready and waiting for him. He'd told it that they would be going on an extended trip and it had changed into the robes that he'd apparently always demanded that the shade wore when they left the island. It was a relief in a lot of ways as he wasn't at all sure how Sam and Bobby would react to see the shade in the apparel it wore here. Not to mention that it would freeze dressed like that in South Dakota. The shade had also packed a bag with additional robes and anything else that it had felt necessary to take along.
"Ready to go?" Castiel inquired.
"Yes, m- Cas. Can I ask where we're going?"
"South Dakota." He looked for any kind of recognition or anticipation and found none. "We're going to Bobby's... Dean. Sam's there."
Still no reaction and Castiel wanted to go curl up in a dark corner somewhere and die. Neither the mention of Bobby nor Sam, or the shade's own name, had evoked any kind of reaction other than mild interest. How had he possibly have managed to extinguish Dean's love for and connection with his brother like this? The thought of even the shade not caring for Sam was unthinkable and yet somehow it had happened. He didn't even want to think about what Sam and Bobby's reactions to this would be.
"You can leave that down," Castiel said when the shade moved to raise his cowl. "They know who you are."
Not able to justify delaying any further to himself, Castiel reached out and brushed his fingers over the shade's forehead, flying them back to Bobby's.
/
All things considered, Castiel felt that things had gone just about as well as he could have expected them to. Sure there had been some yelling and threats at the beginning when Bobby and Sam'd had their illusions shattered by the reality of the situation (he had tried to warn them!), but the shade's reaction to all of that had quickly put an end to them. Much to the two hunters' chagrin, they'd been completely unable to convince the shade to leave his side for their protection and they'd been forced to control their anger or risk alienating it entirely.
Though Castiel was grateful for the temporary reprieve, he wished that it hadn't come at the expense of seeing any part of Dean refusing to acknowledge his brother with any of the affection that he knew his human had always felt towards Sam, even when they were arguing. It also wasn't that he wished to avoid his rightful punishment for his actions, but that he knew that if he let Sam start to vent now that his friend wouldn't be able to contain himself and that would interfere with what they needed to focus on at the present. Namely figuring out where the rest of the shards of Dean's soul were scattered.
"Do you have everything that you require?" Castiel asked of the shade as he watched it pack away the last of what it had brought.
"Yes, Cas."
"Good, then I believe that Bobby has prepared dinner for you."
He followed the shade back downstairs, not wanting to aggravate the situation by startling either Sam or Bobby which he tended to do when he flew into whatever room they happened to be in. The kitchen was tense with suspicion and anger, but Castiel tried to ignore it all as best he could when he sat at one end of the table, nodding at the shade that it was okay when the meal that was placed before it was completely different from what it had been eating lately, no doubt on his orders. He knew that both Bobby and Sam would far rather that he left but he wasn't sure if the shade was quite ready yet to be left alone with the two of them. It wasn't that he was afraid that they'd turn it against him (he didn't even think that was physically possible at the moment, not with the soul shards that it possessed), but rather that he was afraid that it would panic at being left with two people who so clearly disliked the being the shade worshipped blindly.
"Have you made any progress into uncovering where I went this past year?" Castiel finally inquired, seeking to break the uncomfortable silence as much as anything else.
"You sure you don't want to know where you didn't go?" Bobby questioned snidely. "It'll be a shorter list."
"Either way is fine for me."
"What, just like that?" Sam demanded.
"Yes. I will search the entire globe if I must to find all of the soul shards, but that will take longer than if you are able to provide me with the more likely locations."
As with Bobby, the logic of that statement wasn't lost on Sam and for that Castiel was glad. He knew that it must grate on the younger Winchester, having to rely on him to save Dean, but that was just how it was and Sam would either get over it or he wouldn't. He'd regret losing Sam's friendship but if that was the cost of his actions then so be it. He was in no position to make any protestations.
"Tell us about the places where you have already found soul shards," Bobby said. "It'll give us something more to go on when shifting through the news articles and rumors of where you've been."
/
The street was dark and quiet when Castiel appeared on it. The weak light from the stars was more than enough for him to see by though and he easily picked his way to number nine Jefferson Drive. It was a small house wedged between two others with no room on either side, but well-tended nonetheless with a small front lawn and a painted mailbox. He entered the house quietly so as not to wake the occupants and looked around.
Castiel wasn't entirely sure what he was after, but it had occurred to him during his last search at Mt. Washington that since he'd publically declared himself God, his face had been broadcast worldwide. While this didn't particularly bother him personally, it had suddenly occurred to him that it could have made life incredibly difficult for Amelia and Claire Novak. Not only to see their husband and father whom they knew to be inhabited by an angel suddenly wreaking global havoc, but also because there would be others who'd recognize Jimmy's face and remember where he'd once lived. A quick trip to Pontiac though had revealed that Amelia and Claire no longer lived there and that had worried him greatly.
A quick search of the town hadn't revealed their location, though he had discovered a complete and utter lack of any signs or monuments declaring it to be in any way connected to the new God Castiel. He'd taken it as a good sign, something that Sam had confirmed for him when he'd convinced his friend to look it up online. Somehow no one from Pontiac (or anywhere else that Jimmy had lived) seemed to have connected his vessel with him, which was beyond peculiar and smacked more of a deliberate attempt to erase the connection.
Luckily by that point Sam had been intrigued enough to look up Amelia and Claire's current whereabouts with very little prompting. Castiel wouldn't go so far as to say that their relationship had gotten any better over the course of the past three weeks, but the tension had definitely eased after he'd found the first soul shard that Sam and Bobby could see him put back into the shade with their own two eyes. The fact that the shade had also relaxed slightly around both Sam and Bobby had also helped.
The furniture inside the house was the same as that which he'd seen in Jimmy's home so Castiel knew that he had the right address this time. Sam had done his best but had been unable to narrow things down beyond three options. Apparently the names Amelia, Claire and James were popular ones. It was as he was glancing at one of the side tables that he caught sight of the photo frame. It was a larger one with spaces for multiple photos. The first few showed Claire at various different ages, but it was the other ones that interested him the most. The bottom row consisted entirely of photos containing a man he didn't recognize. In the first a pre-teenage Claire was hugging him, a huge smile on her face. In the second it was a younger looking and smiling Amelia, replete in a wedding dress while the man was dressed in a tux. The third had all three of them with the man sitting in the middle, one arm over each Amelia and Claire's shoulders.
It took a few moments for Castiel to figure it out, but then he realized that he must have altered things so that James Novak looked different than him. He couldn't even imagine the amount of power that had required, but he was infinitely glad that he'd chosen to go that way while on the Purgatory souls as it would definitely have been easier to simply wipe Pontiac off the face of the Earth than to do this.
Riddle solved, Castiel left, returning back to Bobby's.
"And? Did you find them?" Sam asked as soon as he arrived.
"Yes, they are safe. It would seem that I altered everyone's memories to think that Jimmy looked different from me."
"You al- You know what? Never mind. I'm just glad that they're okay."
"Cas," the shade greeted, a smile crossing its face when it entered the room and caught sight of him.
"Hello," Castiel replied, raising an arm to allow it to press close to him.
He'd tried weaning the shade off of close physical contact with him, but the attempt had only ended in disaster. Apparently his actions had convinced it that it had done something wrong and the shade had tried everything it could think of to it make it up to him. Castiel hadn't told Sam and Bobby, but he'd even had to resort to dropping it into a dream state more than once so that the shade could conjure up whatever scenario it required to comfort itself as he'd also found that sexual relations with him were an integral part of what the shade viewed as essential to their relationship. He'd been rather proud of himself when he'd thought of that solution as he hadn't been able to bring himself to touch it like that and the dreams allowed him a way around betraying his friend any further.
"Where's Bobby?" Castiel inquired, not sensing the other hunter about.
"He went into town to get some supplies. One thing that hasn't changed is Dean's appetite."
Well it had, but the first of the soul shards that he'd found with Sam and Bobby's help had seemed to restore that, so Castiel kept quiet on the matter. "Do you have any other locations for me to check out?"
"Nothing concrete."
"How about any that you feel might be small possibilities?"
"Jesus, Cas, you've been going at it nonstop for the past five days. Don't you need a break?"
"No, I would rather continue."
"Okay, fine, here try these. But like I said, I don't think you'll find anything there."
"Thank you. I shall leave as soon as I get this one to bed," Castiel said, glancing at the shade whose eyes hadn't left him.
"Okay. And Cas?"
"Yes?"
"Thanks for restoring my wall."
"I-" Castiel began, about to protest that it was his fault that it had needed mending in the first place but he knew that Sam was keenly aware of that fact and instead took it as the peace offering that it was. "You're welcome."
/
By the time that Castiel finally found a soul shard that allowed him to bridge the gap between the main patchwork of soul shards and the wounded shard that he'd found in Mecca, it had come a long way. Although he knew that souls weren't supposed to be able to heal themselves as human bodies could, it seemed that having spent so much time near the other soul shards had been enough to bring out the brilliance that it had slowly lost over time being kept in so dead and desolate an area as the ruins of Mecca.
"Hey there," Castiel whispered softly as he reached for the old shard, trying to coax it into letting him touch it. "I'm not gonna hurt you again, I just want to help."
It seemed reluctant at first, zooming away from his grasp, but then it seemed to sense the new soul shard that he held. As Castiel had hoped, the attraction between the two shards that belonged together helped it overcome its averseness to him, though he tried to help by leaving one side of the new soul shard open. The thing which made it slightly trickier, though, was the fact that the new soul shard had two shards it wanted to connect to, the wounded one as well as the larger agglomeration of soul shards.
With some careful maneuvering, Castiel managed to arrange it so that both soul shards connected with the new shard at the same time and he reached out with his Grace to engulf them all as he had done so many times before. The entire process had become far easier for him the more he did it, not only because he now knew what to do, but also because he was growing ever stronger himself. Over time and with some meditation while the others slept and he'd exhausted all of the locations that they had given him to search, he'd slowly been able to fight back against the Darkness inside of him and drive it out. It wasn't easy by any means- and the more that he saw of what he'd done while high on the Purgatory souls, the more that he was amazed that he could it at all- but it was slowly happening.
The thing that confused Castiel, though, was where all of his new power was coming from. He was now already well past the levels of power that he'd ever possessed as a mere seraph and he still seemed to be slowly gaining more. At first he'd worried that the Purgatory souls weren't as gone as he'd thought, but he couldn't find any trace of their malevolence within him. Yes, there was Darkness, but it was a far cry from the sheer evil that the souls must have possessed given how rapidly and completely they'd taken him over.
So it was a mystery and one that Castiel couldn't seem to unravel no matter how much he pondered the issue. He was tempted to ask Bobby and Sam for help but he was afraid of how they might react and the last thing he wanted was for them to try and block him out or decide that he was going to go Dark Side again and needed to be contained or dealt with more permanently. No, he would keep this to himself for now, just until Dean's soul was healed and his hunter restored to himself. After the glimmer of recognition the shade had of Bobby the other week, he was now sure that it was possible if they could only find all of the soul shards.
It was Dean after all and if his human couldn't pull off a miracle like this then no one could.
When the familiar flutter of a memory lapped at his Grace, Castiel relaxed into it, having learned that there was really no avoiding them when melding two soul shards together. Given that he'd just done so for three of them, he supposed that he might even experience more than one.
"Why do you still refuse to bow down and profess your love for me?" Castiel demanded angrily.
"I've already told you that I consider you family, what more do you want?" Dean shot back, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back against the wall. "You know how much stock I put in family, what that means to me."
"And I have told you, you're not my family." Before Dean knew it, the new God stood before, close before him, trapping him against the wall. "Why do you continue to defy me, Dean? You've witnessed my power and know what I can do. Do you think that you can defeat me as you did Michael and Lucifer, hmm? They were nothing compared to me, mere children."
Dean swallowed thickly as Castiel backed up his words by making his power crackle in the air around them like electricity. It raced across his skin, terrifying and arousing him both at once and he didn't know what to do. He knew that he shouldn't be reacting like this, but however the former angel might be acting now, it was still Cas, or at least he desperately hoped that it still was on some level. He didn't know what he'd do if his first true friend was really lost to him forever.
No, he had to believe that Castiel was still in there somewhere and that he could save him. All he needed to do was figure out how.
Well, right after Dean figured out how to survive this confrontation. Some small part of him whispered to just give in and kneel, to give the new God what it wanted, at least on the surface, but somehow he didn't think that he could fool Castiel so easily. So what to do instead? The problem was that it was difficult to think with the former angel standing so very close to him, to the point where Dean could feel his breath on his face. To make matters worse, normally when he was crowded up against a wall like this with adrenaline pouring into his system he was either in the middle of a fight or about to either fuck or get fucked and since it was Castiel standing before him, his body was tripping straight for the second option.
"Cas, I-"
"Or perhaps I've been using the wrong incentives," Castiel purred, a hand coming up to cup his face. "Is that it, Dean? Do you want to be seduced?"
"Oh, God," Dean breathed and it wasn't until he saw the pleased smirk on the former angel's face that he realized that he'd said it aloud.
Before he could say anything further, though, Dean's lips were captured in a dominating kiss and Castiel pressed up against him, trapping him against the wall. He'd moaned without thinking and jerked his hips forward, desperately searching friction for his rapidly hardening cock. Part of his mind screamed at him that this was wrong, that he should stop, but the rest of him was all gears go and he ignored the protests. He'd waited too long for this, sure that it would never happen, to resist it now that it was being given to him. Especially since he wasn't entirely sure that the new God would take no for an answer anyway.
Rational thought fled as Castiel bit his lip and Dean moaned once more, hands tugging at far too many layers of clothing in search of hot skin. By the time the former angel released his mouth, he was getting light headed from lack of breath, but he didn't care. The kiss was so much better than he'd ever imagined that he could hardly wait for the rest.
"Cas," Dean begged. "Clothes, bed, now."
"Mine," Castiel growled in reply before biting down on his neck where it met his shoulder.
Dean cried out at the sensation and nearly missed the slight disorientation of angelic flight. He did feel it the instant their clothes vanished and he was suddenly naked with an equally naked Castiel pressed up against him. He made embarrassing noises as the former angel reached down and took both of their cocks in hand. His hips were moving on instinct now, seeking as much friction as they could.
"I'm going to fuck you," Castiel declared and it was all that he could do not to come right then and there.
"God, Cas!" Dean keened. "Please, I- now."
"You're mine, Dean, mine do you understand?"
"Yes, yours."
"Body, mind and soul, all mine. Mine forever."
He was suddenly pushed back and Dean went down when the back of his knees hit the mattress. He bounced once and then Castiel was on top of him, claiming his lips in a fierce, biting kiss. All he could do was react, his tongue coming up to battle for dominance before he caved and let the former angel lick every nook and cranny of his mouth before the new God shifted down his body and started placing biting kisses on his neck and throat.
"Cas," Dean mewled, the unimaginable power crackling in the air racing along his nerves and making him writhe helplessly on the bed. "Cas, please!"
"Please what, Dean?"
"Please take me. Fuck me!"
"How about I knot you? Would you like that, Dean, to be tied to me?"
"Huh?" Dean asked, his scrambled mind unable to figure that one out.
"Do you want me to fill you up like you've never been filled up before? To take you over and over again?"
"God, yes! Please!"
Castiel chuckled darkly against his skin and Dean got the feeling that he'd just made a deal with the devil and didn't even realize it but right now he didn't care. All he wanted was to have the former angel in him, fucking him hard and fast and long. The mere thought of being taken over and over again had him fighting off his orgasm. It wasn't often that he stayed with a partner long enough to go multiple rounds and the thought that anyone would want to do so, and for it to be Castiel, was amazing.
There was the most peculiar tingling sensation deep within him and the next thing Dean knew he felt far looser down there than he had been before and his eyes opened wide as he realized what had just happened.
"Did you just mojo me ready?"
"I dislike waiting," Castiel replied, thrusting hard.
Dean howled, back arching as pleasure and pain washed over him. It felt wonderful and beyond the purely physical he could sense all of the power that the new God possessed and if he died now he'd do so happy. Then Castiel pulled almost all the way out and began fucking him in earnest. All that he could do was hold on for the ride, moaning and writhing beneath his old friend turned new God.
"Dean."
He looked up at the sound of his name spoken in that tone that was it, Dean lost it as their eyes met and he saw how blown Castiel's were with just a thin rim of blue. Just as he was coming down from his own high he became aware of the most peculiar stretching sensation in his ass. It moved within him in time to the former angel's increasingly erratic thrusts and he slowly recalled Castiel's earlier words. His eyes opened wide as he realized exactly what they meant just as the pressure became intense and all his lover could do was make shallow thrusts within him, pushing and pulling the knot slightly before Castiel came and he felt the new God's seed spilling deep within him.
The memory left Castiel spinning and it took him a little longer than normal to reorient himself and pull back once he was sure that the soul shards had melded properly and the scars looked no worse than normal.
"Cas, you okay?" Sam inquired as soon as he pulled back out of the shade once the memory had released him from its grip.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Could you?" Castiel replied, indicating the shade.
"Sure."
Castiel could sense Sam's confusion as normally he always insisted on being the one to comfort the shade. The trauma of the ordeal tended to make it particularly fragile and it always sought to cling to him at those times but he didn't think that would be a good idea in this case. Not only had it probably also just relived that particular memory, but Castiel himself wasn't entirely unaffected by it, either mentally or physically. He tried to suppress the lust and desire that coursed through his vessel's veins, but he found that it wasn't that easy. Although it wasn't nearly as arousing to experience knotting from this end, it brought back his own memory vividly and combined with the new knowledge that Dean hadn't minded mating with him (and had even longed for and desired it!) made the impulse even harder to shove aside and ignore than before. He wasn't entirely sure if he'd be able to resist if the shade sensed his predicament just now and tried to take care of it for him.
"Dammit, Dean!" Sam exclaimed in exasperation, drawing Castiel's attention back to the two of them. "You can't not be hungry, you haven't eaten since breakfast."
"Not hungry," the shade repeated. "Don't like."
"Yes, you do, I know you do."
It wasn't the first time that the shade had resisted Sam or Bobby and Castiel had at first hoped that it might be some sign of improvement, but given the types of things it argued with them about he was afraid that it was more a lingering sense of obedience to orders he'd given it and could no longer remember doing so. They'd tried to let it make its own choices as much as possible, but there were some things that they simply couldn't compromise on and food was one of them. The shade simply had to eat, the last thing that they needed was for it to get sick.
"Eat your dinner," Castiel ordered wearily from where he sat.
"No!"
The word was so unexpected that Castiel's head whipped around automatically to stare at the shade in astonishment and it wasn't until it shrank back and frantically dug into the food that he realized his mistake. He couldn't find it in him to feel bad though, not with this amazing show of progress and he could see his own hope mirrored in Sam's eyes when he met his friend's gaze.
The shade had verbally resisted him. Given its instantaneous obedience when he'd first found it after regaining his senses, this was a huge improvement and the hope within him flared brighter. They could do this. No, they would do this.
Dean wasn't truly lost to them forever, no his human had merely been incapacitated, but they would get him back to his former self.
Part 4
Pairings: Dean/Castiel
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: up to and including 6.22
Warnings: slash, AU, dom!Cas, sub!Dean, bare backing, knotting, dark, destruction of a religious site
Word Count: 43,595
Note: This fic was written for the deancasbigbang 2012.
Summary: A year after the events of 6.22, Castiel awakes on the floor of a decadent mansion with little memory of what has happened and only Dean, whose soul has been horribly maimed, nearby. Can he figure out what happened and heal Dean? Especially when the horrible truth slowly starts to emerge?
Beta: aerilex
Artist: syrahde - Art Masterlist
Although Castiel had not thought that there was particularly much to tell, it had grown dark out by the time that he had finished his tale. Bobby had interrupted him frequently, demanding details he often didn't know but he had done his best to answer each and every question to the best of his ability. The only thing that he hadn't told the hunter about was the exact nature of what his relationship with Dean had been as he knew that his former charge wouldn't want Bobby to know. For all that his human was loud and brash, he had often observed that when it came to the really important things, Dean played things close to the chest, often using innuendo and lewd remarks as a smokescreen to distract people from the fact that he was hiding something.
No, there were some truths about what had happened that were Dean's to reveal or keep hidden as his hunter saw fit. If his human was ever able to do so again anyway.
"So let me get this straight, you hid those soul shards all over the world?" Bobby questioned.
"It would appear so from the two that I have already found."
"You really don't do anything by half, do you?"
Castiel strongly suspect that the question was rhetorical and so he kept quiet. Despite the seemingly innocuous nature of the question, he could detect the rage that simmered just beneath the surface and he had no desire to provoke it. Despite that he was glad for it as what he'd done was atrocious and no one who liked Dean let alone loved him as much as he knew the hunter did could not be anything but furious at him for having done it.
"So what do you need my help for?" Bobby asked.
"I need you to tell me where I've been this past year so that I may search each and every location for a soul shard."
"And what if you hid any in other remote locations like the one you put at the top of the Himalayas?"
"I will search the entirety of the globe if I must, but that will take far more time than a more coordinated effort would."
"Fine, I'll help, but-"
"Not for me, yes, I know."
"And I want to see Dean."
That demand caught Castiel off-guard. "I have told you, it isn't Dean, not anymore and perhaps never again."
"Now you look here, you no good pompous bastard," Bobby thundered, getting right up into his face. "You will bring Dean here and let me see him for myself. You got that?"
"I don't think you understand what it means for a soul to be thus mutilated."
"And I don't even trust you as far as I can throw you. And, yes, that's a fucking metaphor."
Castiel closed his eyes for a moment. He didn't have much choice in the matter but he had hoped to keep the shade safely secluded on the island that he'd apparently appropriated until it was either better or he knew for sure that it never would be again. He was pretty sure that Dean would never have wanted anyone to see him like this, but if it meant the difference between having Bobby's help and attempting to find all of the soul shards on his own, then he knew what he had to do. At least if Dean objected to his decision here it would mean that his precious human was once again whole enough to do so.
"Very well."
"Good. Now, what was this about some darkness within you?"
"Huh?"
"You said that you felt a darkness within you, what the hell is it?"
"Oh, I am not sure. I've not yet had the time to properly investigate it."
"Then perhaps you should make time, you dumbass."
"You think?"
"Yes, I think! The last thing we need is you going Dark Side on us again."
Oh, of course, Bobby wasn't asking because the hunter was worried about him, but because Bobby was afraid that he'd hurt them again. There was a part of Castiel that cried out in protest against the idea. He'd been Bobby's friend after all, had stood and fought beside him and this was how he was repaid?
Castiel could hardly believe what he'd just thought and immediately tried to suppress the voice. It was surprisingly hard to do as it was amazingly persistent, but he managed to do so in the end. It was only his sheer determination to not succumb to his own weaknesses and become what he'd been before that allowed him to win. It disturbed him greatly that there was a part of him- any part of him- that felt so strongly about this, so righteously about it, but it was there nonetheless. He'd have to meditate on it later and see if he couldn't purge himself of that aspect of himself. Self-righteousness was a dangerous trait for an angel to have, much less one of his background and apparent inclinations. He shuddered to think of what else he might do if he didn't learn to listen to those around him who were trying so desperately to point him towards the right path.
If he didn't learn to listen to Dean.
Well, if his hunter wasn't already lost to him forever.
"That will not happen," Castiel stated quietly.
"How can you be sure?"
"Because the Purgatory souls are gone and without them I am in control of myself. I now merely have some Darkness within me much as all humans do."
An animalistic cry suddenly rang out, cutting Bobby off before the hunter could say anymore. Castiel stiffened as he realized exactly who had made that cry. It was hard to believe as it had hardly even sounded human, but the way the hunter before him reacted to it and the fact that it had come from upstairs, from one of the bedrooms if he wasn't very much mistaken, pretty much confirmed his suspicions.
"Dammit, I was hoping he'd stay down for the rest of the afternoon," Bobby muttered, turning to grab an unopened bottle of water from the kitchen table.
Silently Castiel followed the other man upstairs, his vessel's heart hammering rapidly in his chest as dread rose swiftly within him. There was a far cry between knowing precisely what it was that he'd inflicted upon a friend and actually witnessing it firsthand and he wasn't sure that he was ready for this, but he refused to hide downstairs like some spineless coward.
"Come to see your dirty work, huh?" Bobby demanded when the hunter looked back over his shoulder at him while opening the door to Sam's room.
"I- If you wish for me to wait downstairs, then I'll do so," Castiel offered.
"No, better for you to see what you did."
Sam had been tied securely to the bed, though Castiel could see that Bobby had taken care to ensure that there was sufficient padding beneath the restraints so that his friend would not be injured when he fought the restraints as he was doing right now. The mattress on which Sam lay looked to be soft as well, but it was bare of any sheets or pillows. All of the other furniture in the room had also been shoved well away from the bed so that there was absolutely no chance of Sam reaching any of it short of getting free from his restraints first.
Bobby, clearly, had seen where his attention had wandered. "Do you know how hard it is to keep someone like Sam tied down?" the hunter demanded. "During his more lucid moments, he's able to use anything as either a weapon or means with which to break free. John definitely didn't skimp on their training when it came to escape tactics and using whatever just so happens to be handy."
The room assessed, Castiel was unable to put off focusing his full attention on his friend any longer. When he'd originally destroyed part of the wall that Death had created in Sam's mind, he'd had every intention of restoring it later just as he'd told Dean and therefore he'd been very careful about the damage that he'd caused. As Dean's memory had shown him, though, he'd messed with it again after gaining the Purgatory souls and that time he'd not been nearly so careful. The destruction now was far more extensive and would be harder to repair, but he was pretty sure that he could still do it.
"What are those?" Castiel inquired as he watched Bobby shake two small pills from a bottle, one white and the other yellow.
"One's an anti-psychotic and the other's a sedative. It's the only combination I've found that seems to work."
"They will not be necessary."
"What?"
"Sam will not require them, I believe I can repair the damage that I caused."
Bobby stared at him in disbelief, clearly not able to believe it. "What do you mean, you think you can repair it?"
"It is somewhat more extensive than I had anticipated, but I'm quite confident that I can still repair it. And even if I cannot mend all of the damage, I will be able to repair most of it, which will make him far more lucid than he is now. More lucid even than he was before I attacked his wall the second time."
Castiel could see the indecision warring on Bobby's face and he remained quiet. He'd said all that he needed to and knew that the hunter would make the correct choice because they both knew that leaving Sam as he currently was- hardly more than a snarling, mindless animal- was simply not an option. Anything would be better than this and Bobby loved the boy too much not to take the chance.
"Fine, but if I even suspect that you're hurting him further then so help me God, I'll fry you alive in Holy oil!" Bobby threatened.
"And I would allow you to do so," Castiel replied honestly, because he would, but only after he'd done all that he could to save Dean first.
With a distrustful look, Bobby stepped back and allowed Castiel to approach the bed. The moment that Sam caught sight of him, his friend froze for a moment before renewing his struggles with greater energy than before. What had been random cries, grunts and growls now turned into a long drawn out howl of terror and he paused for a moment to gather his strength before settling himself on the mattress beside Sam.
This was far more like what Castiel had been expecting from the shade all along and that was comforting in some strange, bizarre way even as it cut him deep. A part of his Grace was fluttering most unexpectedly inside of his vessel and he tried to calm it in order to concentrate on what he had to do. This would take all of his power as it was and he had no time or room for such distractions. He could worry about how it all affected him emotionally later, now they would only get in the way and the last thing that he wanted was to make a mistake.
Once Castiel was sure that he had himself fully under control, he reached out and placed his left hand on Sam's face, forcing his friend's head back into the mattress. Slowly he reached out towards his friend's soul, afraid of what he was going to find. It was pretty much as he expected it to be which was nice for a change as lately everything had been far, far worse than he'd expected it to be. It also meant that he knew exactly what he needed to do in order to fix it, or come as close to doing so as he possibly could.
/
The blinding panic that Castiel had felt upon returning back to the Maldives and sensing the shade's location far out at sea slowly started to fade as he stood back, watching it stand up against the glass, staring at the marine life swimming around at the other side of the barrier. He hadn't even known that this room existed, but apparently the former owners of the island had liked the idea of being able to 'interact' with the fauna of the ocean by coming down here to view it. The furniture in the room spoke for itself as to just how those owners had wanted to experience his Father's other creations. He just couldn't understand why they couldn't go out into the ocean and see it all for themselves the natural way.
Regardless of that, Castiel was immensely pleased to see that the shade was actually using the room to watch the fish. Not only was it doing so with far more interest than he knew any of the previous occupants of the room had, but it was also a sign that his efforts so far had not been in vain. Before he doubted that the shade would have cared enough or been independent enough to come down here or do anything else that he hadn't specifically ordered it to do. It was a small step forwards, but one he was glad for nonetheless, especially coming right on the heels of his success with restoring Sam's wall and it all left him with the peculiar urge to celebrate.
Almost as if sensing that he was there, the shade turned around to face him and smiled. Castiel was unable to do anything but return it and he motioned for it to join him as he took a seat on one of the room's many plush seats. The shade complied eagerly, coming to curl up at his side though he was pleased to see that it turned its attention back to the multitude of colorful fish swimming around outside of the underwater observation chamber.
Castiel watched them for a short while as well before turning his attention back to the shade. The heat of its body soaking into him was a surprising pleasure and one that he'd never experienced before, or at least not that he could remember doing anyway. He'd always assumed that humans derived all of their enjoyment of physical proximity from sex, but that was clearly not the case. Even the soul shard was fairly humming with contentment at the moment just from the way they were seated and from the sensation of his hand carding through its hair. It was an unconscious action but one that he didn't mind as he liked the sensation and the shade clearly enjoyed it as well.
Slowly Castiel's thoughts drifted back to more important matters and he tried to figure out where to start his search for more soul shards. He knew that both Bobby and Sam would be in contact with him soon, but it would take a while for the younger Winchester to reorient himself and getting Sam up to speed and able to help them would be Bobby's first priority. So that left him with what the TV had mentioned and what he'd learned from Dean's memory.
His hunter had thought of Mecca and not in a good way so Castiel decided to end his search there. First he would go to Rio de Janeiro and Tehran. Hopefully he would find a soul shard at one or more of those locations and by the time he'd reunited it with the others already within the shade, Bobby and Sam would be ready to help him find new locations to search.
The rumbling of the shade's stomach made him smile and he pulled them both to their feet.
"Come on, let's get you something to eat and then I need to go take care of some business."
"Do I need to come along, Cas?"
"No, not this time, but soon we'll go somewhere together."
Castiel just hoped that Dean would be able to forgive him later for letting his brother and friend see him like this as he knew that his human wouldn't want them too. But what else could he do? At least he knew that neither Sam nor Bobby would harm the shade, which was far more than what could be said for himself once they were confronted with the harsh reality of exactly what it was that he'd done.
He felt a pang deep within him at that thought but he ruthlessly suppressed it.
/
Both Rio de Janeiro and Tehran had proved fruitless as far as soul shards were concerned, though they had both unnerved Castiel deeply. Rio because of the larger than life statue of himself that stood perched on the hilltop overlooking the city, arms spread wide as if to welcome all of the wayward humans into his embrace. It had made him wonder if he'd showed more mercy to complete strangers than he had to his friends.
In Tehran it had been the stained glass windows of the newly converted cathedral that had upset Castiel. Instead of depicting various saints or scenes from the Bible, they had all depicted either him or things and people related to him. Dean, or at least the cowled figure that he was pretty sure was supposed to represent his human, featured prominently in the East facing rose window. It clearly indicated that though his anger at and punishment for the behavior that he'd deemed unacceptable from his hunter were formidable, he'd still insisted on Dean's importance to others. It saddened him in a way because if it weren't for his obsession with his former charge, he'd never have mutilated Dean's soul the way that he had. Although then he might simply have killed his hunter outright for his resistance and refusal to do as instructed.
That particular line of thought had vanished abruptly when Castiel had arrived in Mecca. Instead of finding the vibrant, beautiful city that he'd visited before during his search for his Father, he found desolation and destruction. Where the city had stood there was now a massive crater filled with the rubble and debris of what had stood there before.
Shock froze Castiel in place as he looked at the destruction in horror. Had he done this? He didn't want to even consider the mere possibility, but he couldn't think of any other reasonable explanation for it either. And that was even without considering Dean's thoughts when his human had thought of Mecca. His hunter had clearly wanted to avoid a repeat of what had happened here, which clearly implied that it had been nothing good. On the other hand, he couldn't quite mesh Dean's relatively calm manner when thinking of Mecca with this either. His former charge had still seemed to be himself enough at the time of the memory to never take this kind of loss of life so calmly. No, his hunter would be furious and would have stopped at nothing to ensure that Castiel could never do this again. Ever.
It was with an unbelievable sense of relief that Castiel realized that, despite the catastrophic destruction, the scent and feel of death that always accompanied large losses of life wasn't present here. It didn't cloak the ruins as a fitting shroud which meant that the city hadn't been occupied when he'd destroyed it. Either he'd not wanted to kill so many potential supplicants or Dean had been able to talk him into sparing them, but either way he must have sent them elsewhere before he'd decimated the city.
It by no means excused what he'd done here, but it made Castiel feel far better. He didn't know what he'd have done if he'd killed that many humans and all for refusing to bow down before him. Or at least he assumed that was the reason behind this destruction. It made the most sense and he'd clearly not taken challenges to his perceived authority very well, the appalling state of Dean's soul was proof enough of that. Luckily for the inhabitants of Mecca, though, they hadn't meant nearly as much to the Purgatory soul version of himself as Dean had. Otherwise he wasn't sure that he'd have spared them.
Still, even without the loss of life, Castiel knew that this was by no means a crime to simply write off. He'd destroyed countless homes, shops, businesses and more. Not to mention a thriving religious center that meant the world to those who followed Islam. The number of lives that he'd ruined here was staggering even if he'd spared their actual lives. The fact that it didn't even look like anyone had tried to clear the rubble or commence the rebuilding process, leaving it instead as it was, told him that he'd probably forbidden its renewal, wanting it to be kept as a testament of what happened to those who refused him and his will. It was little wonder that places like Tehran had fallen into line after a demonstration of power like this.
Castiel could only hope that Mecca would be rebuilt after word of his abrupt disappearance spread and was more widely believed. For now though he pushed his own feelings aside and reached out with his Grace instead, looking for a soul shard that he hoped he wouldn't find. Although he wanted to be able to restore Dean's soul as quickly as possible, he'd rather not that one of the shards of it had been left in the ruins here for an indefinable amount of time.
Relief was just starting to flood though Castiel when he felt the faintest flicker of something. Dismayed, he concentrated harder and felt it again. It was too weak for him to be sure, but he thought that it was another soul shard and he followed it back to its source in the remnants of the Kaaba. Apparently he'd liked to indulge a nasty sense of irony while he'd been under the influence of the Purgatory souls. It wasn't surprising unfortunately.
Mindful of any precious artifacts that might have survived his blind wrath, Castiel began searching for the soul shard. Unlike the others that he'd found so far, this one's presence didn't grow any stronger with proximity. If anything, it seemed to be dimming, as if it sought to hide itself from his gaze. That hurt more than he'd been expecting it to, but he really couldn't fault the soul shard for it, not when he'd been expecting precisely this kind of a reaction from all of the other soul shards. It did make him wonder why this one was different though. Could it be that its surroundings had adversely affected it? The last shard he'd found had thrived on being able to nourish and help a sapling grow. Here, however, there was absolutely nothing. Not even any unwanted weeds or vermin seemed to have taken up residence in the ruins. Instead they were a barren, lifeless landscape.
The mere thought that he'd left even a small part of Dean- who was always so vibrant and full of life- in a place like this made Castiel feel sick once more and he redoubled his efforts to find the lost soul shard. When he finally did a few hours later it was to discover it dim and limp within its container, a terracotta jar that he'd probably obtained from some stall before he'd destroyed everything. It was the first shard that he'd found which clearly showed the violence and unimaginably horrific circumstances of its creation.
All that Castiel wanted to do was take it into his Grace and both protect and nourish it until it was strong and healthy once more, as brilliant and vibrant as the other soul shards that he'd found already. The only problem with that plan was that it clearly wanted nothing to do with him, shying away and trembling every time he tried to touch it.
The rejection hurt far worse than anything that Castiel could ever have imagined, but he respected the soul shard's wishes and left it alone for now. Soon enough he'd have to touch it in order to return it to the shade, but he'd give it as much space as he could until then. He could only hope that being near the other soul shards and back within Dean's body where it belonged would allow it to heal. He wasn't sure what he'd do if it didn't.
Mission accomplished, Castiel took a moment to send a prayer to his Father for all of those people whose lives he'd ruined here before flying back to the Maldives.
/
The shade winced when Castiel opened the terracotta jar and it saw what lay within, but it still utterly failed to verbalize any kind of protest. Not that anything it said could dissuade him from his task, but it would be a far better sign of improvement than some interest in its surroundings as Dean had never done anything that his hunter didn't want to do without loudly proclaiming his dissatisfaction for all to hear.
It was the least of Castiel's worries now though as the newest soul shard did its best to keep away from him and once he did manage to take hold of it, it struggled weakly in his grasp. There was no danger of it getting away from him, but at the same time as it fought, it also gave off waves and waves of terror, loneliness and despair, all of which hit him like physical blows and were enough to send him reeling. He almost felt bad at having to put it into the shade, but that was the only way to try and restore Dean's soul enough to save his beloved human and it was also the best way of ending the soul shard's own misery and pain.
As soon as Castiel pushed the soul shard into the shade, he knew that his luck when it came to finding shards that fit into what he'd already pieced back together of Dean's soul had run out. There was none of the attraction that he'd felt before and his attempts to find where it could fit were all in vain. Not knowing what else to do, he simply released the new soul shard near the others to see what it would do. The shard pulled away from him immediately and gravitated to the others but then merely settled into an orbit around them, close enough to be bathed in their brilliance and glow, but not quite touching them either.
Since it seemed quite happy to remain there, Castiel left the soul shard and pulled out of the shade, pulling it close to him to soothe it through the aftershocks of the ordeal. He kept a close eye on the soul shards as he did so, but nothing seemed amiss though it was a while before he could begin to calm himself.
/
"Where's Dean?"
It was the first question out of Sam's mouth the moment that Castiel arrived. He'd finally gotten another prayer from Bobby and had come right away, being surprised to see that the two hunters had chosen to return to Bobby's house. Now that they didn't have to run from him anymore, it actually made more sense for them to return as the place contained all of their resources, but it would also require a certain amount of repair before being comfortably habitable once more.
"Bobby has explained what happened to Dean to you?" Castiel asked cautiously.
"That you tore his soul to shreds? Yeah, Bobby told me."
"Where is he, Castiel?" Bobby demanded. "You said you'd bring him."
"Reluctantly and I wished to assess the situation first," Castiel replied.
It wasn't strictly true, but was good enough an explanation. The truth was that Castiel had hoped that they wouldn't push, though he realized now that had been a hopeless wish. The other reason, and the more valid one, was that he'd wanted to give the shade a little more time to recover from having had its soul shards touched and manipulated. It was a painful experience for a fully intact soul and he hadn't yet managed to figure out if it was better or worse for the shade. He wasn't really sure that he wanted to know the answer to that.
"You wanted to assess the situation here first?" Sam thundered. "How dare you? After all that you've done?"
The part of Castiel that had protested Bobby's treatment of him before was acting up again but he ignored it. "What I've managed to restore of your brother is in a very vulnerable and fragile state at the moment, so, yes, I am taking every precaution necessary regardless of my past actions. Besides, he has not been around anyone else other than myself recently so I do not know how he'll react to seeing the two of you."
"Are you saying that you won't bring him?" Bobby questioned dangerously.
"No, merely that you will need to be careful and know that I have only managed to reunite four soul shards so he will not be the man that you know."
"Four? I thought it was three."
"I managed to locate another one in the Kaaba."
Bobby snorted. "What remains of it you mean."
"What remains..." Sam began trailing off as realization dawned. "You destroyed Mecca?!"
"Yes," Castiel admitted, looking down.
"What the hell else did you do?"
"I don't know."
"And isn't that convenient? First you go on a God trip, destroying things left, right and center and now you can't remember."
"I was under the influence of the Purgatory souls."
"Yeah, and whose fault was that?"
"Mine, I was not trying to debate that."
"No, you're just trying to make it out as if that was all that it was and that you can now claim that, since they're gone, you're back to your old self again and wouldn't do those things anymore."
That part of Castiel annoyed at these attacks flared to life again, angry and defensive at the accusations. "So, what, you're saying that there's nothing which can influence a person like that and make them do things that they otherwise would never even think of, much less consider, doing? If so then I suppose that you'd betray your brother for a demon again or willingly open Lucifer's cage and let him out once more? If it wasn't the demon blood making you do all of that."
The words were out before Castiel even realized what he was going to say and he regretted them at once. No matter how much truth there might be in them, he had no desire to throw the whole demon blood and Ruby incident back in Sam's face and he knew that his friend genuinely regretted how he'd acted and what he'd done back then. If anything he should be more sympathetic towards Sam about all of that now that he'd experienced something similar. Despite all of that, the words somehow made it out of him and he could only step back ashamed.
"I'm sorry, Sam, I should not have said that," Castiel apologized.
"I-" Sam began, face ashen with a stricken expression.
"No, you shouldn't have," Bobby agreed. "But there's more than a little truth in there too. Now, about Dean."
Castiel sighed, knowing that he'd bought as much time as he could. "I shall go get him, but please remember that it isn't really Dean, merely a shade of him and I don't know how he'll react to seeing the two of you once more."
With that, Castiel flew back to the Maldives and found the shade ready and waiting for him. He'd told it that they would be going on an extended trip and it had changed into the robes that he'd apparently always demanded that the shade wore when they left the island. It was a relief in a lot of ways as he wasn't at all sure how Sam and Bobby would react to see the shade in the apparel it wore here. Not to mention that it would freeze dressed like that in South Dakota. The shade had also packed a bag with additional robes and anything else that it had felt necessary to take along.
"Ready to go?" Castiel inquired.
"Yes, m- Cas. Can I ask where we're going?"
"South Dakota." He looked for any kind of recognition or anticipation and found none. "We're going to Bobby's... Dean. Sam's there."
Still no reaction and Castiel wanted to go curl up in a dark corner somewhere and die. Neither the mention of Bobby nor Sam, or the shade's own name, had evoked any kind of reaction other than mild interest. How had he possibly have managed to extinguish Dean's love for and connection with his brother like this? The thought of even the shade not caring for Sam was unthinkable and yet somehow it had happened. He didn't even want to think about what Sam and Bobby's reactions to this would be.
"You can leave that down," Castiel said when the shade moved to raise his cowl. "They know who you are."
Not able to justify delaying any further to himself, Castiel reached out and brushed his fingers over the shade's forehead, flying them back to Bobby's.
/
All things considered, Castiel felt that things had gone just about as well as he could have expected them to. Sure there had been some yelling and threats at the beginning when Bobby and Sam'd had their illusions shattered by the reality of the situation (he had tried to warn them!), but the shade's reaction to all of that had quickly put an end to them. Much to the two hunters' chagrin, they'd been completely unable to convince the shade to leave his side for their protection and they'd been forced to control their anger or risk alienating it entirely.
Though Castiel was grateful for the temporary reprieve, he wished that it hadn't come at the expense of seeing any part of Dean refusing to acknowledge his brother with any of the affection that he knew his human had always felt towards Sam, even when they were arguing. It also wasn't that he wished to avoid his rightful punishment for his actions, but that he knew that if he let Sam start to vent now that his friend wouldn't be able to contain himself and that would interfere with what they needed to focus on at the present. Namely figuring out where the rest of the shards of Dean's soul were scattered.
"Do you have everything that you require?" Castiel asked of the shade as he watched it pack away the last of what it had brought.
"Yes, Cas."
"Good, then I believe that Bobby has prepared dinner for you."
He followed the shade back downstairs, not wanting to aggravate the situation by startling either Sam or Bobby which he tended to do when he flew into whatever room they happened to be in. The kitchen was tense with suspicion and anger, but Castiel tried to ignore it all as best he could when he sat at one end of the table, nodding at the shade that it was okay when the meal that was placed before it was completely different from what it had been eating lately, no doubt on his orders. He knew that both Bobby and Sam would far rather that he left but he wasn't sure if the shade was quite ready yet to be left alone with the two of them. It wasn't that he was afraid that they'd turn it against him (he didn't even think that was physically possible at the moment, not with the soul shards that it possessed), but rather that he was afraid that it would panic at being left with two people who so clearly disliked the being the shade worshipped blindly.
"Have you made any progress into uncovering where I went this past year?" Castiel finally inquired, seeking to break the uncomfortable silence as much as anything else.
"You sure you don't want to know where you didn't go?" Bobby questioned snidely. "It'll be a shorter list."
"Either way is fine for me."
"What, just like that?" Sam demanded.
"Yes. I will search the entire globe if I must to find all of the soul shards, but that will take longer than if you are able to provide me with the more likely locations."
As with Bobby, the logic of that statement wasn't lost on Sam and for that Castiel was glad. He knew that it must grate on the younger Winchester, having to rely on him to save Dean, but that was just how it was and Sam would either get over it or he wouldn't. He'd regret losing Sam's friendship but if that was the cost of his actions then so be it. He was in no position to make any protestations.
"Tell us about the places where you have already found soul shards," Bobby said. "It'll give us something more to go on when shifting through the news articles and rumors of where you've been."
/
The street was dark and quiet when Castiel appeared on it. The weak light from the stars was more than enough for him to see by though and he easily picked his way to number nine Jefferson Drive. It was a small house wedged between two others with no room on either side, but well-tended nonetheless with a small front lawn and a painted mailbox. He entered the house quietly so as not to wake the occupants and looked around.
Castiel wasn't entirely sure what he was after, but it had occurred to him during his last search at Mt. Washington that since he'd publically declared himself God, his face had been broadcast worldwide. While this didn't particularly bother him personally, it had suddenly occurred to him that it could have made life incredibly difficult for Amelia and Claire Novak. Not only to see their husband and father whom they knew to be inhabited by an angel suddenly wreaking global havoc, but also because there would be others who'd recognize Jimmy's face and remember where he'd once lived. A quick trip to Pontiac though had revealed that Amelia and Claire no longer lived there and that had worried him greatly.
A quick search of the town hadn't revealed their location, though he had discovered a complete and utter lack of any signs or monuments declaring it to be in any way connected to the new God Castiel. He'd taken it as a good sign, something that Sam had confirmed for him when he'd convinced his friend to look it up online. Somehow no one from Pontiac (or anywhere else that Jimmy had lived) seemed to have connected his vessel with him, which was beyond peculiar and smacked more of a deliberate attempt to erase the connection.
Luckily by that point Sam had been intrigued enough to look up Amelia and Claire's current whereabouts with very little prompting. Castiel wouldn't go so far as to say that their relationship had gotten any better over the course of the past three weeks, but the tension had definitely eased after he'd found the first soul shard that Sam and Bobby could see him put back into the shade with their own two eyes. The fact that the shade had also relaxed slightly around both Sam and Bobby had also helped.
The furniture inside the house was the same as that which he'd seen in Jimmy's home so Castiel knew that he had the right address this time. Sam had done his best but had been unable to narrow things down beyond three options. Apparently the names Amelia, Claire and James were popular ones. It was as he was glancing at one of the side tables that he caught sight of the photo frame. It was a larger one with spaces for multiple photos. The first few showed Claire at various different ages, but it was the other ones that interested him the most. The bottom row consisted entirely of photos containing a man he didn't recognize. In the first a pre-teenage Claire was hugging him, a huge smile on her face. In the second it was a younger looking and smiling Amelia, replete in a wedding dress while the man was dressed in a tux. The third had all three of them with the man sitting in the middle, one arm over each Amelia and Claire's shoulders.
It took a few moments for Castiel to figure it out, but then he realized that he must have altered things so that James Novak looked different than him. He couldn't even imagine the amount of power that had required, but he was infinitely glad that he'd chosen to go that way while on the Purgatory souls as it would definitely have been easier to simply wipe Pontiac off the face of the Earth than to do this.
Riddle solved, Castiel left, returning back to Bobby's.
"And? Did you find them?" Sam asked as soon as he arrived.
"Yes, they are safe. It would seem that I altered everyone's memories to think that Jimmy looked different from me."
"You al- You know what? Never mind. I'm just glad that they're okay."
"Cas," the shade greeted, a smile crossing its face when it entered the room and caught sight of him.
"Hello," Castiel replied, raising an arm to allow it to press close to him.
He'd tried weaning the shade off of close physical contact with him, but the attempt had only ended in disaster. Apparently his actions had convinced it that it had done something wrong and the shade had tried everything it could think of to it make it up to him. Castiel hadn't told Sam and Bobby, but he'd even had to resort to dropping it into a dream state more than once so that the shade could conjure up whatever scenario it required to comfort itself as he'd also found that sexual relations with him were an integral part of what the shade viewed as essential to their relationship. He'd been rather proud of himself when he'd thought of that solution as he hadn't been able to bring himself to touch it like that and the dreams allowed him a way around betraying his friend any further.
"Where's Bobby?" Castiel inquired, not sensing the other hunter about.
"He went into town to get some supplies. One thing that hasn't changed is Dean's appetite."
Well it had, but the first of the soul shards that he'd found with Sam and Bobby's help had seemed to restore that, so Castiel kept quiet on the matter. "Do you have any other locations for me to check out?"
"Nothing concrete."
"How about any that you feel might be small possibilities?"
"Jesus, Cas, you've been going at it nonstop for the past five days. Don't you need a break?"
"No, I would rather continue."
"Okay, fine, here try these. But like I said, I don't think you'll find anything there."
"Thank you. I shall leave as soon as I get this one to bed," Castiel said, glancing at the shade whose eyes hadn't left him.
"Okay. And Cas?"
"Yes?"
"Thanks for restoring my wall."
"I-" Castiel began, about to protest that it was his fault that it had needed mending in the first place but he knew that Sam was keenly aware of that fact and instead took it as the peace offering that it was. "You're welcome."
/
By the time that Castiel finally found a soul shard that allowed him to bridge the gap between the main patchwork of soul shards and the wounded shard that he'd found in Mecca, it had come a long way. Although he knew that souls weren't supposed to be able to heal themselves as human bodies could, it seemed that having spent so much time near the other soul shards had been enough to bring out the brilliance that it had slowly lost over time being kept in so dead and desolate an area as the ruins of Mecca.
"Hey there," Castiel whispered softly as he reached for the old shard, trying to coax it into letting him touch it. "I'm not gonna hurt you again, I just want to help."
It seemed reluctant at first, zooming away from his grasp, but then it seemed to sense the new soul shard that he held. As Castiel had hoped, the attraction between the two shards that belonged together helped it overcome its averseness to him, though he tried to help by leaving one side of the new soul shard open. The thing which made it slightly trickier, though, was the fact that the new soul shard had two shards it wanted to connect to, the wounded one as well as the larger agglomeration of soul shards.
With some careful maneuvering, Castiel managed to arrange it so that both soul shards connected with the new shard at the same time and he reached out with his Grace to engulf them all as he had done so many times before. The entire process had become far easier for him the more he did it, not only because he now knew what to do, but also because he was growing ever stronger himself. Over time and with some meditation while the others slept and he'd exhausted all of the locations that they had given him to search, he'd slowly been able to fight back against the Darkness inside of him and drive it out. It wasn't easy by any means- and the more that he saw of what he'd done while high on the Purgatory souls, the more that he was amazed that he could it at all- but it was slowly happening.
The thing that confused Castiel, though, was where all of his new power was coming from. He was now already well past the levels of power that he'd ever possessed as a mere seraph and he still seemed to be slowly gaining more. At first he'd worried that the Purgatory souls weren't as gone as he'd thought, but he couldn't find any trace of their malevolence within him. Yes, there was Darkness, but it was a far cry from the sheer evil that the souls must have possessed given how rapidly and completely they'd taken him over.
So it was a mystery and one that Castiel couldn't seem to unravel no matter how much he pondered the issue. He was tempted to ask Bobby and Sam for help but he was afraid of how they might react and the last thing he wanted was for them to try and block him out or decide that he was going to go Dark Side again and needed to be contained or dealt with more permanently. No, he would keep this to himself for now, just until Dean's soul was healed and his hunter restored to himself. After the glimmer of recognition the shade had of Bobby the other week, he was now sure that it was possible if they could only find all of the soul shards.
It was Dean after all and if his human couldn't pull off a miracle like this then no one could.
When the familiar flutter of a memory lapped at his Grace, Castiel relaxed into it, having learned that there was really no avoiding them when melding two soul shards together. Given that he'd just done so for three of them, he supposed that he might even experience more than one.
"Why do you still refuse to bow down and profess your love for me?" Castiel demanded angrily.
"I've already told you that I consider you family, what more do you want?" Dean shot back, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back against the wall. "You know how much stock I put in family, what that means to me."
"And I have told you, you're not my family." Before Dean knew it, the new God stood before, close before him, trapping him against the wall. "Why do you continue to defy me, Dean? You've witnessed my power and know what I can do. Do you think that you can defeat me as you did Michael and Lucifer, hmm? They were nothing compared to me, mere children."
Dean swallowed thickly as Castiel backed up his words by making his power crackle in the air around them like electricity. It raced across his skin, terrifying and arousing him both at once and he didn't know what to do. He knew that he shouldn't be reacting like this, but however the former angel might be acting now, it was still Cas, or at least he desperately hoped that it still was on some level. He didn't know what he'd do if his first true friend was really lost to him forever.
No, he had to believe that Castiel was still in there somewhere and that he could save him. All he needed to do was figure out how.
Well, right after Dean figured out how to survive this confrontation. Some small part of him whispered to just give in and kneel, to give the new God what it wanted, at least on the surface, but somehow he didn't think that he could fool Castiel so easily. So what to do instead? The problem was that it was difficult to think with the former angel standing so very close to him, to the point where Dean could feel his breath on his face. To make matters worse, normally when he was crowded up against a wall like this with adrenaline pouring into his system he was either in the middle of a fight or about to either fuck or get fucked and since it was Castiel standing before him, his body was tripping straight for the second option.
"Cas, I-"
"Or perhaps I've been using the wrong incentives," Castiel purred, a hand coming up to cup his face. "Is that it, Dean? Do you want to be seduced?"
"Oh, God," Dean breathed and it wasn't until he saw the pleased smirk on the former angel's face that he realized that he'd said it aloud.
Before he could say anything further, though, Dean's lips were captured in a dominating kiss and Castiel pressed up against him, trapping him against the wall. He'd moaned without thinking and jerked his hips forward, desperately searching friction for his rapidly hardening cock. Part of his mind screamed at him that this was wrong, that he should stop, but the rest of him was all gears go and he ignored the protests. He'd waited too long for this, sure that it would never happen, to resist it now that it was being given to him. Especially since he wasn't entirely sure that the new God would take no for an answer anyway.
Rational thought fled as Castiel bit his lip and Dean moaned once more, hands tugging at far too many layers of clothing in search of hot skin. By the time the former angel released his mouth, he was getting light headed from lack of breath, but he didn't care. The kiss was so much better than he'd ever imagined that he could hardly wait for the rest.
"Cas," Dean begged. "Clothes, bed, now."
"Mine," Castiel growled in reply before biting down on his neck where it met his shoulder.
Dean cried out at the sensation and nearly missed the slight disorientation of angelic flight. He did feel it the instant their clothes vanished and he was suddenly naked with an equally naked Castiel pressed up against him. He made embarrassing noises as the former angel reached down and took both of their cocks in hand. His hips were moving on instinct now, seeking as much friction as they could.
"I'm going to fuck you," Castiel declared and it was all that he could do not to come right then and there.
"God, Cas!" Dean keened. "Please, I- now."
"You're mine, Dean, mine do you understand?"
"Yes, yours."
"Body, mind and soul, all mine. Mine forever."
He was suddenly pushed back and Dean went down when the back of his knees hit the mattress. He bounced once and then Castiel was on top of him, claiming his lips in a fierce, biting kiss. All he could do was react, his tongue coming up to battle for dominance before he caved and let the former angel lick every nook and cranny of his mouth before the new God shifted down his body and started placing biting kisses on his neck and throat.
"Cas," Dean mewled, the unimaginable power crackling in the air racing along his nerves and making him writhe helplessly on the bed. "Cas, please!"
"Please what, Dean?"
"Please take me. Fuck me!"
"How about I knot you? Would you like that, Dean, to be tied to me?"
"Huh?" Dean asked, his scrambled mind unable to figure that one out.
"Do you want me to fill you up like you've never been filled up before? To take you over and over again?"
"God, yes! Please!"
Castiel chuckled darkly against his skin and Dean got the feeling that he'd just made a deal with the devil and didn't even realize it but right now he didn't care. All he wanted was to have the former angel in him, fucking him hard and fast and long. The mere thought of being taken over and over again had him fighting off his orgasm. It wasn't often that he stayed with a partner long enough to go multiple rounds and the thought that anyone would want to do so, and for it to be Castiel, was amazing.
There was the most peculiar tingling sensation deep within him and the next thing Dean knew he felt far looser down there than he had been before and his eyes opened wide as he realized what had just happened.
"Did you just mojo me ready?"
"I dislike waiting," Castiel replied, thrusting hard.
Dean howled, back arching as pleasure and pain washed over him. It felt wonderful and beyond the purely physical he could sense all of the power that the new God possessed and if he died now he'd do so happy. Then Castiel pulled almost all the way out and began fucking him in earnest. All that he could do was hold on for the ride, moaning and writhing beneath his old friend turned new God.
"Dean."
He looked up at the sound of his name spoken in that tone that was it, Dean lost it as their eyes met and he saw how blown Castiel's were with just a thin rim of blue. Just as he was coming down from his own high he became aware of the most peculiar stretching sensation in his ass. It moved within him in time to the former angel's increasingly erratic thrusts and he slowly recalled Castiel's earlier words. His eyes opened wide as he realized exactly what they meant just as the pressure became intense and all his lover could do was make shallow thrusts within him, pushing and pulling the knot slightly before Castiel came and he felt the new God's seed spilling deep within him.
The memory left Castiel spinning and it took him a little longer than normal to reorient himself and pull back once he was sure that the soul shards had melded properly and the scars looked no worse than normal.
"Cas, you okay?" Sam inquired as soon as he pulled back out of the shade once the memory had released him from its grip.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Could you?" Castiel replied, indicating the shade.
"Sure."
Castiel could sense Sam's confusion as normally he always insisted on being the one to comfort the shade. The trauma of the ordeal tended to make it particularly fragile and it always sought to cling to him at those times but he didn't think that would be a good idea in this case. Not only had it probably also just relived that particular memory, but Castiel himself wasn't entirely unaffected by it, either mentally or physically. He tried to suppress the lust and desire that coursed through his vessel's veins, but he found that it wasn't that easy. Although it wasn't nearly as arousing to experience knotting from this end, it brought back his own memory vividly and combined with the new knowledge that Dean hadn't minded mating with him (and had even longed for and desired it!) made the impulse even harder to shove aside and ignore than before. He wasn't entirely sure if he'd be able to resist if the shade sensed his predicament just now and tried to take care of it for him.
"Dammit, Dean!" Sam exclaimed in exasperation, drawing Castiel's attention back to the two of them. "You can't not be hungry, you haven't eaten since breakfast."
"Not hungry," the shade repeated. "Don't like."
"Yes, you do, I know you do."
It wasn't the first time that the shade had resisted Sam or Bobby and Castiel had at first hoped that it might be some sign of improvement, but given the types of things it argued with them about he was afraid that it was more a lingering sense of obedience to orders he'd given it and could no longer remember doing so. They'd tried to let it make its own choices as much as possible, but there were some things that they simply couldn't compromise on and food was one of them. The shade simply had to eat, the last thing that they needed was for it to get sick.
"Eat your dinner," Castiel ordered wearily from where he sat.
"No!"
The word was so unexpected that Castiel's head whipped around automatically to stare at the shade in astonishment and it wasn't until it shrank back and frantically dug into the food that he realized his mistake. He couldn't find it in him to feel bad though, not with this amazing show of progress and he could see his own hope mirrored in Sam's eyes when he met his friend's gaze.
The shade had verbally resisted him. Given its instantaneous obedience when he'd first found it after regaining his senses, this was a huge improvement and the hope within him flared brighter. They could do this. No, they would do this.
Dean wasn't truly lost to them forever, no his human had merely been incapacitated, but they would get him back to his former self.
Part 4