Chapter 30 - Remembering
Order shows no sign of acknowledging his taunts, and when he has laughed his fill, she quietly states. "We shall see, will we not, who has the last laugh." She gives him the slow knowing smile that she know he hates so very much.
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The werewolf’s words trigger memories of a tall handsome man who had repeatedly put his life on the line to protect Rose and I. For a moment I stand in shock that someone has been able to so completely remove him from my consciousness and I stare at Rose trying to reconcile these new memories with the loving woman with whom I have spent these last two years and who's mind I thought I knew better than any other than my own.
Yet, as I look at her I can see in her eyes that she remembers him as well and is shocked by the knowledge as I am. Her terrified words make it clear something more is going on here than what the werewolf would have me believe. But as I see Victoria looking intently at a wound in her hand I know I have to be certain that we have seen the last of the werewolf and I can't deal with this now. As Victoria protests, I become more suspicious but she is still the Queen of England, so in the end I settle for looking at her time traces and as I see no changes going forward from this event from the things I expect to see, I let it go.
As the guards enter and reassure us that the remaining monks have left, I know that Victoria is going to be fine. Her words as we part ways though make it clear that questions will need to be answered in the morning. For now, there are far more questions of a personal nature that need answers.
“Doctor?” comes the guard’s question.
“Yes, right, lead the way.” With that I settle my leather jacket a bit closer to my body, relishing its comforting weight. I stick my hands in its pockets to help resist the urge to take Rose's hand.
As we turn to enter the hall, I can see Rose standing almost exactly where I left her. “Rose?”
As she looks up I can see incredible sadness in her eyes and my hearts clench in reaction, but still I cannot yet bring myself to open my mind to her, not here. Her only response to my query is to join us and, much as my hand itches to reach for hers, I need answers, answers I can’t get here. As we turn the corner and are confronted with Sir Roberts remains, I hear a small, horrified, noise from Rose, and without thinking I pull her into my side, shielding her from the sight. Feeling her trembling, I wish I had thought ahead far enough that she didn’t have to see the details of what became of him.
“My apologies, lady,” comes the words from the guard who has been assigned to escort us.
I feel her nod against my side. Even as I steer us around the mutilated body, I know that his is not the only one that will have to be buried soon -just one of many reasons I hate sticking around after a crisis has passed. The pain of mourning can be acutely painful to telepaths and is one of the loudest broadcast emotions that most sentient beings produce, already I can feel the wail of Lady Isobel's grating against my senses and I know Rose must as well.
Hallways we had furiously run past earlier on our way to the observatory now seem to be long and innumerable but still I can tell immediately when the guard begins to lead us down an alternate path to avoid the other bodies; for which I must thank him later. Even as confused as I am about what has happened with our memories and the role Bad Wolf may have played in their absence, I would not willing have Rose or Verity have to see that carnage.
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I stand stunned as I realize what the werewolf has somehow unlocked. I am confused as to how suddenly memories that hadn’t been there suddenly spring into being in full detail, memories of a man who had become very dear to all three of us. Even as I feel Thete shut us out, I know he has good reason to do so, because much as I would like to think that this is some ploy of the now vanquished werewolf, I know that it is Bad Wolf who hid these memories. It gives me chills as I think of what he must think of us for what we have done. I can’t even tell him why, there is just the certainty that it was necessary, but will that be enough for him? He had been so angry with Verity when she had saved him after Gallifrey and that hurt took a long time to heal and the trust rebuilt and this is just so... invasive. What could warrant such a drastic action? Why was it so important we forget him and abandon Jack on a space station full of the dead?
It seems so unfair, not just to Jack but to the Thete; he has been so happy this last couple of days as we had finally got through what we had thought were the last of the major hurdles with our merging - now this. I wonder who the master of the werewolf was that even in defeat the werewolf could still do such damage, knowing about things even we had forgotten.
As the Doctor calls for me, I move to his side. I had noticed his deliberate actions as he put his hands in his pockets and his posture as he had drawn his leather jacket around him like armor, which are as clear as a neon sign to me that he has withdrawn and will not welcome my touch. So, as much as I desire the comfort of holding his hand right now, I do not reach out to him. As we reach what is left of Sir Robert I gag at the sight of what the werewolf did to him. Then Thete is there, blocking it from my view, and I burrow my nose into his jumper to try to reduce the suddenly overwhelming smell death. I continue to cling to him even as he gently guides me away. That could so easily have been him and that thought makes me feel even more nauseous.
He says not a word as we continue but he does not remove himself as far either, and I sense the distress I cannot currently feel as he holds my hand a bit too tight.
What I can feel though, makes me wish that I couldn't, as the shock and grief of the people in the house is like a heavy smothering blanket. I can only damp most of it out by concentrating on the mental links in my mind that are Verity and Thete.
'It will get easier with practice,' comes Verity's reassuring thought.
'Its just...' how to describe the almost physical sensation?
'It hurts. I know...' As she trails off, not finishing her thought, I know she knows more about grieving than anyone should. I wish we could just run away, and realize yet one more thing about Thete that I know he never would have told me. I am sure it is just one of the reasons he frequently leaves so quickly after a disaster, even in those times we aren’t running for our lives.
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Thete and I are finally directed by a teary eyed maid to one of the guest bedrooms, having left the guard to return to Victoria. We stand in the door for long moments neither quite sure what to do now that we have been left alone with the elephant in the room.
As soon as the door closes, he lets go of my hand and we stand for a moment just looking at each other. As he breaks eye contact with me, I know I need to say something.
"Doctor, I didn't know, I swear I didn't."
"Yeah?" he states with bitter sarcasm.
I feel a welling of hurt and anger that he doesn't believe me, even though I can't blame him. "I didn't remember 'ntil you did. I would show you..." I don't finish that thought as I realize that to do that he would have to lower his shields and I can't ask that of him, not now.
"We will discuss it when we get back." With that he again turns to move away and I feel so very cold.
"I could come there." The words out of my mouth even before I realize that I have spoken, or more accurately Verity has spoken through me and I see his eyes narrow as he looks back at me.
'Not the best timing for reminding him how connected we are, Verity,' is my sour, unbidden, thought and in response, I feel her remorse.
His voice is strained as he replies, "Best not," before he moves to the washbasin, again turning his back on me.
'Oh Verity, what have we done?'
'What was necessary, I am sure.'
'I wish I was.'
"Talking to yourself again?" are his quiet words, so close it makes me jump.
“Yeah, sort of.” I don’t know what he’s thinking but at least now he doesn’t look either angry or hurt and I can only take that as something positive.
“We will talk Rose, just not now, not here," come his quiet words as he looks around the borrowed bedroom meaningfully, and gently cups the side of my face.
All I can do is nod as I bring my hand up to cover his, feeling the sing of tears I won't let fall. With that he pulls me to him and I cling to him, not knowing what else to do, but glad for his comfort as he pulls me even tighter to him.
Then he quickly lets me go with a brusque, "Get some sleep, Rose."
I feel even more cold and alone than I did, missing the comfort of his arms immediately, and suddenly the possible warmth of the bed sounds more appealing.
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It is dawn and the sun rises over a serene misty valley. I haven’t slept - gotten used to that me. But Rose I was finally able to convince to try to get rest some. I am not sure what this morning will bring but I do know there is so very much that needs to be addressed, including extracting ourselves from this situation. We need to get back to the TARDIS and try to figure out what happened with the werewolf.
The more I think on things, the more I wonder why. Why would Bad Wolf hide something so important as the memories of our travels with a companion? Why do I have two conflicting memories that both feel equally true? One of these is telling me I heard Jack die, killed by Dalek fire, the other is telling me that Jack lived and we left him behind. Why was it so critical that we couldn’t remember and had to leave Jack behind as we did? Based on the memories that have now been returned, there would be no reason I would have voluntarily abandon the man. Jack had been too good to all three of us to want to leave him in that kind of situation. I still remember the pain of having to leave Susan behind, but I knew that she would never have left voluntarily and I could see how much she loved David. She needed him far more than the aged, decrepit man I was then. Leaving Sarah Jane had been equally necessary, as I couldn’t take her with me to Gallifrey. But, to abandon Jack without reason or explanation to deal with an entire space station full of dead, what could justify that kind of action?
This is not the first time Verity has hidden my memories, but always, it has been at my request in order to prevent me from creating a paradox. Verity is the only one that I have ever trusted to do such a thing, to have that kind of access to my mind. I have to believe that she has done this for a good reason. To do anything else would be the way to madness, still it is hard to swallow that she did this without asking, as I have no memory of asking her to hide them. It is obvious from Rose's reaction that it was not only my memories she suppressed but her own as well and that leads me to believe that it is some future event that she is trying to influence. Having all of time and space crammed in your head will definitely give one a different perspective; I just have to trust her to have had a good reason for this action.
All of this we need to discusses when we get back to the TARDIS, as I have the most unpleasant feeling that we are being watched. It is so very hard to watch Rose so unsure and not be able to explain to her my suspicions, to reassure and comfort her, the way I would like. But her shields are still too intermittent and I can’t risk letting our watcher know I am on to them. I have to, at least for a time, let it think it has succeeded in driving a wedge between us.
Time enough for explanations later.
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As I hear a quiet tapping at the door I open it to find one of the maids. "Pardon me, sir, but her majesty has requested you and lady Rose's presence.”
As I turn to get Rose I'm surprised find her already behind me.
"I guess we’re ready." I gesture for the maid to lead.
As we arrive in a large room I am a bit surprised to see most of the staff, as well as Lady Isabol, present and I immediately wonder why as I had actually expected the Queen would have questions regarding the goings on the previous night. I don't have to wonder long as Victoria begins to speak at our arrival.
"Doctor, Rose, it is my intent that you be appropriately rewarded for your service to the crown last evening. Lady Rose where are you from?" Even as Victoria begins speaking, I see the ornamental sword in her hand and I suspect I know her intent.
At Rose's worried look in my direction I nod for her to answer, and she replies with more hesitancy than I would expect.
"Originally the Powell Estates but lately the TARDIS," she states, almost swallowing the last two words before quickly tacking on, "Your Majesty."
"Please step forward," Victoria commands gesturing to us both.
As we step forward, she indicates we kneel. As we do, she again begins to speak.
"By the power invested in me by the Church and the State, I dub thee: Sir Doctor of TARDIS.”
With that, she taps me on each shoulder with the sword, and then moves to Rose.
"By the power invested in me by the Church and the State, I dub the: Dame Rose of TARDIS."
With that, she taps her on each shoulder with the sword.
"You may stand."
As we stand, I say, "Many thanks, Ma'am."
Rose though is the happiest I have seen yet today, "Thanks! They're never going to believe this back home."
Thinking back over the events of the previous evening, I state, "Your Majesty, you said last night about receiving a message from the great beyond; I think your husband cut that diamond to save your life. He's protecting you even now Ma'am, even from beyond the grave."
Victoria's reply is not what I expect, "Indeed. Then you may think on this, also: that I am not amused."
I can't help but groan as I know Rose just won our bet and I can tell I won't stop hearing about it for awhile at her jubilant, "Yes!"
Victoria continues frowning deeply at Rose. "Not remotely amused."
Rose makes an effort to wipe the smirk off her face.
She continues, "Be it also known that henceforth... I banish you."
For a second I think I have misheard her and ask, "I'm sorry..?"
"I rewarded you, Sir Doctor and now you are exiled from this Empire, never to return. I don't know what you are, the two of you, or where you're from, but I know that you consort with stars, and magic, and think it fun. But your world is steeped in terror and blasphemy and death and I will not allow it! You will leave these shores and you will reflect, I hope, on how you managed to stray so far from all that is good and how much longer you will survive this... terrible life." I am stunned at her words and I can see Rose is equally gobsmacked.
Then she is stepping away as she angrily proclaims, "Now leave my world. And never return."
We are then immediately escorted from the building.
As the guard disappears back into the building with a glare I hear Rose mumble, "I was just banished before I was born."
Trying to lighten things up a bit, "Well at least we didn't have to run for our lives from her," and give her a smile.
It doesn't take us long to find our way again to the main road and from there a ride with a local farmer. Rose is particularly quiet on the way back and I am hesitant to start a conversation that neither of us want to have here.
As the farmer drives off and we mover toward the TARDIS I comment, "You know, the funny thing is, Queen Victoria did actually suffer a mutation of the blood! It's historical record - hemophiliac. It used to be called the Royal Disease! But it's always been a mystery because she didn't inherit it. Her mum didn't have it her dad didn't have it -- it came from nowhere!"
At that her head snaps up. "What, and you're saying that's a wolf bite?"
"Well, maybe Hemophilia is just a Victorian euphemism," I conjecture.
"For werewolf?" comes her incredulous expression.
I continue my teasing, "Could be!"
"Queen Victoria's a werewolf?" she states, becoming suspicious of the smile that I am sporting in my amusement at pulling her chain.
I smile all the harder and reply, "Could be! And, her children had the Royal Disease. Maybe she gave them a quick nip."
"So, the Royal Family are werewolves?" she states disbelievingly.
"Well… maybe not yet. I mean, a single wolf cell could take... a hundred years to mature... might be ready by… oooh… early 21st century...?"
Finally, she decides I am teasing her and replies smiling as she begins to play along. "Nah! That's just ridiculous! Mind you… Princess Anne...!"
"I'll say no more." With that she laughs, and is a beautiful sound after the past day's events. Unfortunately, I also know the light mood won't last as Verity swigs the door open for us to enter.
Chapter 31 -Figuring it Out
Moving Forward Story Index 1