Moving Forward Series Part 04 - Chapter 31 - Figuring it out
Title: Moving Forward Series Part 04 - Chapter 31 - Figuring it out
Author: othermewriter
Chapter Rating: PG - Series Rating: Adult
Characters: 9/Rose Disclaimer: not mine, and so not making money from this I try not to dwell on it too much :(
A/N: Thank you one and all for your continued support in spite of my erratic posting lately due to my moving.
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As we enter, I move to the console, closing the door and to moving us into the vortex; the lighter mood of moments before evaporating. Rose is quiet and I know she is thinking about what happened back at the manor, and I wait for her to start the discussion I know we must have.
"Doctor I... I meant what I said, I really didn't remember about Jack."
Standing there, just inside the door, it is obvious how very nervous she as she gnaws at her thumb and shifts anxiously from foot to foot. How very young she is, and distressed she looks even younger and I wonder what I was thinking taking her with me. But she is Rose, in spite of all the changes she has undergone. She is the woman who swallowed the vortex in order to save me, and has stolen my hearts. Even though she is still so very naive about the forces that act in my life, and how very dangerous they can be, not just to me, but also to those with whom I travel. I hate to disillusion her, but I am pretty sure now there are things in motion that could increase the danger levels of even our jeopardy-friendly existence.
"Doctor?" I refocus on her face and note that now she is gnawing her bottom lip, and I can't take seeing her so distressed.
"I know, Rose, and I'm not angry with you." With that I hold out my arms to her, reinforcing the meaning of my words. She hesitates only a moment before launching herself up the ramp. The feel of her in my arms is so very right and I know that I have to try to explain why I was so distant. At this proximity, with her held against me like this, I can feel even more clearly the anxiety rolling off of her. Speaking quietly I ask, "How you feel about a cuppa?"
With a small kiss to my chest she pulls back without fully releasing her hold, "I could murder one!" she states with one of her brilliant smiles. With that I take her hand and begin leading us toward the kitchen.
When we arrive, we each start the process of getting tea made. I move to the cupboard to get the canister of loose tea as she moves to fill the pot. Each of us knows instinctively the role the other plays in our regular movements - I move to get the milk and she the sugar -when did things become so domestic? When did it become so natural for her to complete my actions, and I hers?
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When we entered the TARDIS I knew that it was time to discuss the things that had happened. I still wasn't sure exactly what did happen, other than a sudden chasm had opened between us and neither Verity nor I knew how to bridge the gap that now separated him from us. As he stood there fiddling with the controls, that I now know do very little, he looked so formidable in his dark clothing, reminding us again that this body was designed with a soldiers temperament. It had been forged by the dual traumas of war and despair to be far harder than the gentle, kind lover and dreamer he was last. Sharp features and blunt haircut just underscore that this was not someone who tolerated fools or put up with deceivers.
But we don't need him any less, and he has almost completely shut us out. We know from our connections little more than he is alive. But while I feel his absence like a craving, it is Verity who is really suffering and I know that this can't be allowed to go on for very long, yet I still feel a wave of relief when he offers to postpone the conversation.
**************************
As we finish the last of the tea preparations, I know it’s time. "Doctor."
"Rose."
I smile as we both start to speak at the same time, and am relieved as I see it returned. I indicate he continue even as he indicates we should sit. As we do, I am suddenly painfully aware of the absence of Jack who had so often shared this table with us. A man who, until yesterday, I had completely forgotten I knew.
"Rose, it's okay, we will figure this out together." As his hand closes over mine I look at him and realize he must have read my thought.
"But how? Why would Bad Wolf want us to forget him?" I know my voice is betraying my distress, but I don't understand. It scares me, and I understand much better now why Jack was so disturbed by his lost memories, the not knowing drives you nuts.
"I don't know, but I would like to." Come his gentle words but they contain enough steel to make me shiver as they make it clear he has every intention of finding out.
As I look at him, I see the Doctor, Thete, my friend, my lover and husband. But in the next moment I see The Oncoming Storm, The Destroyer of Worlds, the last of the Time Lords and the man who caused Daleks to quail and makes tyrants run and cower. I know he is both, I have always known he is both. Right now, that too scares me, because even as strong as he is, Bad Wolf has been able to snatch from him his memories, and I know that she is part of me and I she. The fact that she can wield that kind of power terrifies me and leaves me even more amazed at his next words.
"I trust you and Verity with my life Rose, in fact, if there is anything in this universe I can trust in, it's you two. So even though I don't understand why you hid this, I trust you had good reason." With that he pauses, gently squeezing my hand. In spite of his words I know this is something he is struggling with. His next words confirm my suspicions; "That said, I am going to ask you to tell me what it was.”
"But I don't know!" I feel the frustration of those words to the tips of my toes.
"I am pretty sure you do..."
"But I don't!" I shout and I can feel myself getting angry that he doesn't believe me.
I watch as he holds his hands up in a sign of surrender, "Hear me out. More accurately between you and Verity, I think you do." At my confused expression he continues rapidly, "When your two minds mesh together you become more than your separate parts. What I think is happening is bits of memories that may only be partially in your brain and partially in her memory storage come together when you merge, giving you knowledge that neither of you can access separately."
As I listen, what he is saying makes sense. "But what good does it do us? We can't control our merging, can't for that matter even stay in our own bodies separately most of the time, bouncing between the two when the link between us is fully open. You know that, we've just spent weeks learning the small bit of control we have!" I state in frustration.
"Yes, I do know," he states with great compassion. Then he asks abruptly, "Do you remember the garden?" I nod but am not sure why he is bringing it up.
"I think if we can go there we can find the answers we need."
'The question is, do you still trust us enough to let us into your mind?' Verity comments, even as I express the same question out loud.
He hesitates a fraction longer than I would like, before I feel him lower his shields.
I feel Verity rush to him, taking up her usual place in his mind, and I can feel him tense a moment before relaxing into her loving presence. I know that he would forgive her anything and I feel a pang of guilt over the jealousy I feel over their closeness.
But even as the thought enters my mind, I feel him reaching for me, pulling me in as well, soothing my anxiety and making it clear I too am loved as he gently brushes a lock of hair out of my eyes. As he drops his hand he leaves it palm up, a silent invitation. I place mine in his and he draws me up gently, clasping my hand as he draws us first from the room, then down the hall to the library. On entering he moves unswervingly for the alcove room to the right and sits on the couch swinging his legs up and bracing his back against the sofa arm. As he settles he draws me around encouraging me to sit between his legs in such a way as to be my backrest and allow me to lean against him.
It is not exactly an unfamiliar position as we have spent many hours recently sitting just this way as he helped us cope with our extended senses and abilities. Sitting thus he partially enclosed my body on three sides, his body's energy helping to stabilize and shelter my own, teaching it how to function correctly partially by its proximity.
As I lean back into his body he gives me a quick hug, gently kissing the top of my head. I put my hands over his momentarily, squeezing his enclosing arms. How can he trust us so in the face of us stealing his memories?
'Because, you have shown me no reason to doubt your judgment on that which is really important.'
With that thought we reach for him mentally and in a moment of no time later the three of us are standing in the garden.
'So Theta, here we are. What were you thinking?' Verity asks and I can tell she is as nervous as I.
With a couple of steps he arrives at a half round stone bench and sits in the middle, leaving Verity I no choice but to sit on either side of him facing each other or remain standing; we choose to sit.
'As I mentioned before we entered, I am almost positive that between the two of you, you know why you hid the memories you did. But I had to ask myself why. Why hide them from yourself as well as me? I need to know why, I need you to trust me to hide this again from myself if needed.'
I nod, knowing he is right, and I am relieved to feel Verity agrees, both of us knowing the leap of faith he made opening his mind again to us.
'What do you need us to do?' I ask, unsure where to go from here.
'Remember when we were last here how you accidentally stepped into the same space?'
As he mentions it I remember the incident and see Verity's eyes go wide as she makes the same connection. 'We merged! You think it will work without the fruit?'
'Yes,' is his simple reply.
'But it knocked us out of the garden,' Verity states.
'That was in my mind and none of us were expecting that to occur, unlike now.' To that I see her nod in thoughtful agreement, and as she reaches for my hand Thete gently puts a hand on each of our shoulders.
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I realize I may be being a fool letting them back into my mind like this, but it is the only way I am going to know for sure what happened. That doesn't mean I am happy about it, but I also know that if Verity wanted to hurt me, there are far easier ways that only she would know to accomplish that goal. As for Rose, even if she wanted to, she doesn't yet have the skill to deliberately keep me out on an extended basis. It's not like it is really an option for either of us now. Short of a complete severing, the bonding won't allow us to be separated for extended periods without consequences and that is a fate I would much rather not contemplate, so that means getting to the bottom of why they chose this path.
So as we again enter our garden I layout what I was thinking and I am greatly relieved as they catch on to what I am proposing and agree with my assessment. As they stand, taking each other's hands, I place a hand on each of their shoulders in encouragement. When they suddenly both turn to face me I feel the shock of their merging like an unexpected slug. For a brief moment everything goes fuzzy only to snap into an even sharper focus almost immediately as she stands looking a bit dazed. But as I watch, she straightens and I see the luminescent golden glow of her eyes as a smile bursts upon her face. Energy crackles around us as she moves quickly forward and snatches my breath with a kiss.
I am a stunned by the intensity of that sensation and as she leans back I feel my hands clutch her sides not willing to be separated very far from her.
Her smile is intoxicating and I find myself returning it without thinking.
'My clever Doctor!' comes her husky seductive mental voice. 'I knew you would figure this out.' With that she reaches up and gently strokes my face with her fingertips.
'Wolf!' I watch as amusement dances in her golden gaze at my slightly surprised statement.
'Yes, my Doctor?'
'Why?' This time my hands tighten to anchor her to me until I get the answers I crave.
'Because it was needed, our mental shields are far too weak when we are not joined to risk our knowing.'
'And mine?' I can't help the bitterness that laces my voice.
'No, my precious one, I was seeking to shield you from the things I saw.' At my noise of disbelief I see pools of incredible sadness appear in her eyes and I feel a cold premonition crawl across my skin.
'Doctor, there is a storm coming, the likes of which is rarely seen. Chaos seeks to divide us and I cannot, will not, allow it! Jack has an important role, but he has much he has to do and learn.'
'Show me.'
'Please, my love...'
'Show me!' I demand and suddenly I am overwhelmed by the onslaught of images and then it is she who is holding on to me as I stagger backwards to sit on the bench behind me. The things I see, the desolation I experience as I watch her precognitive visions, makes me feel ill. I want so badly to scream in denial at what is to come, what it is she is preparing against. Yet so many of the images I am most repulsed and horrified by have the immutable rigidity of fixed points. It terrifies me seeing how they will effect our time together. Even worse are the ways they will traumatize those around us, those we love and will come to love. Finally I can take no more as see the tears in her eyes, even through the blur caused by my own.
'Enough, please no more...' with that she pulls me to her tightly, murmuring quiet comforting words in Gallifreyan.
When I regain my composure she doesn't say she warned me, or chastise me for not trusting, instead she simply asks if I wish her to hide the memories again. Coward that I am I nod, letting her gentle comfort wash them away leaving only the knowledge and reassurance that this time it is at my bidding that they have been expunged. As she draws back I feel an incredible love from her that leaves me speechless and I am sorry that, at least for now, she remembers that which I am unwilling to retain.
'It is okay; I will remember only what I need to know when it is time and no more. You though have so much already you remember that hurts you my Doctor, I would not see you suffer with this burden too, the future will come soon enough. Trust me my love, it will work out, we will be okay.
Now we should rest, it was a long day yesterday and we need your comfort. Do not be afraid to explain to us your worries about the watcher, we will understand and help.’
With that, I feel the odd sliding sensation of returning to my own body and the comforting warmth of her form held in my arms.
Chapter 32 - Explanations
Moving Forward Story Index 1
Author: othermewriter
Chapter Rating: PG - Series Rating: Adult
Characters: 9/Rose Disclaimer: not mine, and so not making money from this I try not to dwell on it too much :(
A/N: Thank you one and all for your continued support in spite of my erratic posting lately due to my moving.
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As we enter, I move to the console, closing the door and to moving us into the vortex; the lighter mood of moments before evaporating. Rose is quiet and I know she is thinking about what happened back at the manor, and I wait for her to start the discussion I know we must have.
"Doctor I... I meant what I said, I really didn't remember about Jack."
Standing there, just inside the door, it is obvious how very nervous she as she gnaws at her thumb and shifts anxiously from foot to foot. How very young she is, and distressed she looks even younger and I wonder what I was thinking taking her with me. But she is Rose, in spite of all the changes she has undergone. She is the woman who swallowed the vortex in order to save me, and has stolen my hearts. Even though she is still so very naive about the forces that act in my life, and how very dangerous they can be, not just to me, but also to those with whom I travel. I hate to disillusion her, but I am pretty sure now there are things in motion that could increase the danger levels of even our jeopardy-friendly existence.
"Doctor?" I refocus on her face and note that now she is gnawing her bottom lip, and I can't take seeing her so distressed.
"I know, Rose, and I'm not angry with you." With that I hold out my arms to her, reinforcing the meaning of my words. She hesitates only a moment before launching herself up the ramp. The feel of her in my arms is so very right and I know that I have to try to explain why I was so distant. At this proximity, with her held against me like this, I can feel even more clearly the anxiety rolling off of her. Speaking quietly I ask, "How you feel about a cuppa?"
With a small kiss to my chest she pulls back without fully releasing her hold, "I could murder one!" she states with one of her brilliant smiles. With that I take her hand and begin leading us toward the kitchen.
When we arrive, we each start the process of getting tea made. I move to the cupboard to get the canister of loose tea as she moves to fill the pot. Each of us knows instinctively the role the other plays in our regular movements - I move to get the milk and she the sugar -when did things become so domestic? When did it become so natural for her to complete my actions, and I hers?
----------------------------
When we entered the TARDIS I knew that it was time to discuss the things that had happened. I still wasn't sure exactly what did happen, other than a sudden chasm had opened between us and neither Verity nor I knew how to bridge the gap that now separated him from us. As he stood there fiddling with the controls, that I now know do very little, he looked so formidable in his dark clothing, reminding us again that this body was designed with a soldiers temperament. It had been forged by the dual traumas of war and despair to be far harder than the gentle, kind lover and dreamer he was last. Sharp features and blunt haircut just underscore that this was not someone who tolerated fools or put up with deceivers.
But we don't need him any less, and he has almost completely shut us out. We know from our connections little more than he is alive. But while I feel his absence like a craving, it is Verity who is really suffering and I know that this can't be allowed to go on for very long, yet I still feel a wave of relief when he offers to postpone the conversation.
**************************
As we finish the last of the tea preparations, I know it’s time. "Doctor."
"Rose."
I smile as we both start to speak at the same time, and am relieved as I see it returned. I indicate he continue even as he indicates we should sit. As we do, I am suddenly painfully aware of the absence of Jack who had so often shared this table with us. A man who, until yesterday, I had completely forgotten I knew.
"Rose, it's okay, we will figure this out together." As his hand closes over mine I look at him and realize he must have read my thought.
"But how? Why would Bad Wolf want us to forget him?" I know my voice is betraying my distress, but I don't understand. It scares me, and I understand much better now why Jack was so disturbed by his lost memories, the not knowing drives you nuts.
"I don't know, but I would like to." Come his gentle words but they contain enough steel to make me shiver as they make it clear he has every intention of finding out.
As I look at him, I see the Doctor, Thete, my friend, my lover and husband. But in the next moment I see The Oncoming Storm, The Destroyer of Worlds, the last of the Time Lords and the man who caused Daleks to quail and makes tyrants run and cower. I know he is both, I have always known he is both. Right now, that too scares me, because even as strong as he is, Bad Wolf has been able to snatch from him his memories, and I know that she is part of me and I she. The fact that she can wield that kind of power terrifies me and leaves me even more amazed at his next words.
"I trust you and Verity with my life Rose, in fact, if there is anything in this universe I can trust in, it's you two. So even though I don't understand why you hid this, I trust you had good reason." With that he pauses, gently squeezing my hand. In spite of his words I know this is something he is struggling with. His next words confirm my suspicions; "That said, I am going to ask you to tell me what it was.”
"But I don't know!" I feel the frustration of those words to the tips of my toes.
"I am pretty sure you do..."
"But I don't!" I shout and I can feel myself getting angry that he doesn't believe me.
I watch as he holds his hands up in a sign of surrender, "Hear me out. More accurately between you and Verity, I think you do." At my confused expression he continues rapidly, "When your two minds mesh together you become more than your separate parts. What I think is happening is bits of memories that may only be partially in your brain and partially in her memory storage come together when you merge, giving you knowledge that neither of you can access separately."
As I listen, what he is saying makes sense. "But what good does it do us? We can't control our merging, can't for that matter even stay in our own bodies separately most of the time, bouncing between the two when the link between us is fully open. You know that, we've just spent weeks learning the small bit of control we have!" I state in frustration.
"Yes, I do know," he states with great compassion. Then he asks abruptly, "Do you remember the garden?" I nod but am not sure why he is bringing it up.
"I think if we can go there we can find the answers we need."
'The question is, do you still trust us enough to let us into your mind?' Verity comments, even as I express the same question out loud.
He hesitates a fraction longer than I would like, before I feel him lower his shields.
I feel Verity rush to him, taking up her usual place in his mind, and I can feel him tense a moment before relaxing into her loving presence. I know that he would forgive her anything and I feel a pang of guilt over the jealousy I feel over their closeness.
But even as the thought enters my mind, I feel him reaching for me, pulling me in as well, soothing my anxiety and making it clear I too am loved as he gently brushes a lock of hair out of my eyes. As he drops his hand he leaves it palm up, a silent invitation. I place mine in his and he draws me up gently, clasping my hand as he draws us first from the room, then down the hall to the library. On entering he moves unswervingly for the alcove room to the right and sits on the couch swinging his legs up and bracing his back against the sofa arm. As he settles he draws me around encouraging me to sit between his legs in such a way as to be my backrest and allow me to lean against him.
It is not exactly an unfamiliar position as we have spent many hours recently sitting just this way as he helped us cope with our extended senses and abilities. Sitting thus he partially enclosed my body on three sides, his body's energy helping to stabilize and shelter my own, teaching it how to function correctly partially by its proximity.
As I lean back into his body he gives me a quick hug, gently kissing the top of my head. I put my hands over his momentarily, squeezing his enclosing arms. How can he trust us so in the face of us stealing his memories?
'Because, you have shown me no reason to doubt your judgment on that which is really important.'
With that thought we reach for him mentally and in a moment of no time later the three of us are standing in the garden.
'So Theta, here we are. What were you thinking?' Verity asks and I can tell she is as nervous as I.
With a couple of steps he arrives at a half round stone bench and sits in the middle, leaving Verity I no choice but to sit on either side of him facing each other or remain standing; we choose to sit.
'As I mentioned before we entered, I am almost positive that between the two of you, you know why you hid the memories you did. But I had to ask myself why. Why hide them from yourself as well as me? I need to know why, I need you to trust me to hide this again from myself if needed.'
I nod, knowing he is right, and I am relieved to feel Verity agrees, both of us knowing the leap of faith he made opening his mind again to us.
'What do you need us to do?' I ask, unsure where to go from here.
'Remember when we were last here how you accidentally stepped into the same space?'
As he mentions it I remember the incident and see Verity's eyes go wide as she makes the same connection. 'We merged! You think it will work without the fruit?'
'Yes,' is his simple reply.
'But it knocked us out of the garden,' Verity states.
'That was in my mind and none of us were expecting that to occur, unlike now.' To that I see her nod in thoughtful agreement, and as she reaches for my hand Thete gently puts a hand on each of our shoulders.
-------------------------------------
I realize I may be being a fool letting them back into my mind like this, but it is the only way I am going to know for sure what happened. That doesn't mean I am happy about it, but I also know that if Verity wanted to hurt me, there are far easier ways that only she would know to accomplish that goal. As for Rose, even if she wanted to, she doesn't yet have the skill to deliberately keep me out on an extended basis. It's not like it is really an option for either of us now. Short of a complete severing, the bonding won't allow us to be separated for extended periods without consequences and that is a fate I would much rather not contemplate, so that means getting to the bottom of why they chose this path.
So as we again enter our garden I layout what I was thinking and I am greatly relieved as they catch on to what I am proposing and agree with my assessment. As they stand, taking each other's hands, I place a hand on each of their shoulders in encouragement. When they suddenly both turn to face me I feel the shock of their merging like an unexpected slug. For a brief moment everything goes fuzzy only to snap into an even sharper focus almost immediately as she stands looking a bit dazed. But as I watch, she straightens and I see the luminescent golden glow of her eyes as a smile bursts upon her face. Energy crackles around us as she moves quickly forward and snatches my breath with a kiss.
I am a stunned by the intensity of that sensation and as she leans back I feel my hands clutch her sides not willing to be separated very far from her.
Her smile is intoxicating and I find myself returning it without thinking.
'My clever Doctor!' comes her husky seductive mental voice. 'I knew you would figure this out.' With that she reaches up and gently strokes my face with her fingertips.
'Wolf!' I watch as amusement dances in her golden gaze at my slightly surprised statement.
'Yes, my Doctor?'
'Why?' This time my hands tighten to anchor her to me until I get the answers I crave.
'Because it was needed, our mental shields are far too weak when we are not joined to risk our knowing.'
'And mine?' I can't help the bitterness that laces my voice.
'No, my precious one, I was seeking to shield you from the things I saw.' At my noise of disbelief I see pools of incredible sadness appear in her eyes and I feel a cold premonition crawl across my skin.
'Doctor, there is a storm coming, the likes of which is rarely seen. Chaos seeks to divide us and I cannot, will not, allow it! Jack has an important role, but he has much he has to do and learn.'
'Show me.'
'Please, my love...'
'Show me!' I demand and suddenly I am overwhelmed by the onslaught of images and then it is she who is holding on to me as I stagger backwards to sit on the bench behind me. The things I see, the desolation I experience as I watch her precognitive visions, makes me feel ill. I want so badly to scream in denial at what is to come, what it is she is preparing against. Yet so many of the images I am most repulsed and horrified by have the immutable rigidity of fixed points. It terrifies me seeing how they will effect our time together. Even worse are the ways they will traumatize those around us, those we love and will come to love. Finally I can take no more as see the tears in her eyes, even through the blur caused by my own.
'Enough, please no more...' with that she pulls me to her tightly, murmuring quiet comforting words in Gallifreyan.
When I regain my composure she doesn't say she warned me, or chastise me for not trusting, instead she simply asks if I wish her to hide the memories again. Coward that I am I nod, letting her gentle comfort wash them away leaving only the knowledge and reassurance that this time it is at my bidding that they have been expunged. As she draws back I feel an incredible love from her that leaves me speechless and I am sorry that, at least for now, she remembers that which I am unwilling to retain.
'It is okay; I will remember only what I need to know when it is time and no more. You though have so much already you remember that hurts you my Doctor, I would not see you suffer with this burden too, the future will come soon enough. Trust me my love, it will work out, we will be okay.
Now we should rest, it was a long day yesterday and we need your comfort. Do not be afraid to explain to us your worries about the watcher, we will understand and help.’
With that, I feel the odd sliding sensation of returning to my own body and the comforting warmth of her form held in my arms.
Chapter 32 - Explanations
Moving Forward Story Index 1