"Masquerade.... hide your face so the world will never find you.."
I wonder how much James really wants me right now, and how much of it is his wanting to show me he's still ever-dedicated to me, now out of moral obligation so I don't feel bad or something. Does he feel he has to call every day or close to it because he wants to, or because he thinks somehow I will think he doesn't care or he's neglecting me in some way? I know I love him. I know he loves me. This will not change, and I'm sure of it, just as sure as I breathe.
Maybe I'll try one of those stupid female games I always thought ill of that dad has put into my head in the past to draw him closer to me and make him want me the way I feel we used to be. Our last couple phone conversations have been.... either somewhat stale or feel strange in an overly emotional way. I don't want one of us to feel on either end like they're tapping their foot waiting for the other to finish so they can go. It will be difficult, but I think it's time to give James a long wait in space. In limbo. Well... long for us, anyway. Not quite so daily. Back off some. Give him room. Let him get situated. I'm still not totally over last night's conversation, though I hide it well.
I've asked him the past couple days if he wanted a ride from work from me, he being the one who first mentioned it. The past couple days he has denied me. I said all I would do was take him, and then he said, "But then you'll want to stay for tea", which isn't totally out of the question, in fact it's fairly probable, but only for a little while. But as soon as he'd wish for me to leave him be I would. I can just hear him now if he were to read this, saying something about how he hadn't meant to guilt me, make me feel badly, or something. I know this. I don't understand his reasoning though. If he's so tired all the time because of the 4 hours spent on the bus, why won't he accept my help? Does he wish to be alone that much? Is he concerned it would be an inconvenience to me? I just want to help. I don't understand, but the more I push, the worse it looks and makes him feel. I don't want that. So I'm going to play the stupid female game that I abhore. Avoid a little, back off a little, "leave them wanting more". Maybe it isn't as bad as I make it out to be, but I don't like it. I pride myself most times on being direct, not this prissy girly shit.
Somehow it feels good to be tipsy, drunk, whatever you want to call it. I'm by no means an alcoholic, nor do I ever see myself becoming one, but every once in awhile, it's nice to get toasty, be a little numb to my surroundings, and just max out and relax. My mind is so often so busy, it helps lull things a bit. Funny I should say this, and yet my fingers still will me to keep typing. It's nearly 2:00AM.
Shit.
I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow. It may not pay as much as I need or as much as some people, but damn it, it gives me some small sense of purpose, and right now that's what I feel I need most right now. I can't shake this ever-present need lately of the urgent desire to feel USEFUL to someone. If this is all I'm good for, for now, then so be it. I don't see myself in foodservice forever, and it is my hope that this job be the last in such a field, but it's a good enough place for now for me to roost and take root, so long as I continue to be dedicated and work hard.
I hope business is relatively steady tomorrow like it was today.
Maybe I'll try one of those stupid female games I always thought ill of that dad has put into my head in the past to draw him closer to me and make him want me the way I feel we used to be. Our last couple phone conversations have been.... either somewhat stale or feel strange in an overly emotional way. I don't want one of us to feel on either end like they're tapping their foot waiting for the other to finish so they can go. It will be difficult, but I think it's time to give James a long wait in space. In limbo. Well... long for us, anyway. Not quite so daily. Back off some. Give him room. Let him get situated. I'm still not totally over last night's conversation, though I hide it well.
I've asked him the past couple days if he wanted a ride from work from me, he being the one who first mentioned it. The past couple days he has denied me. I said all I would do was take him, and then he said, "But then you'll want to stay for tea", which isn't totally out of the question, in fact it's fairly probable, but only for a little while. But as soon as he'd wish for me to leave him be I would. I can just hear him now if he were to read this, saying something about how he hadn't meant to guilt me, make me feel badly, or something. I know this. I don't understand his reasoning though. If he's so tired all the time because of the 4 hours spent on the bus, why won't he accept my help? Does he wish to be alone that much? Is he concerned it would be an inconvenience to me? I just want to help. I don't understand, but the more I push, the worse it looks and makes him feel. I don't want that. So I'm going to play the stupid female game that I abhore. Avoid a little, back off a little, "leave them wanting more". Maybe it isn't as bad as I make it out to be, but I don't like it. I pride myself most times on being direct, not this prissy girly shit.
Somehow it feels good to be tipsy, drunk, whatever you want to call it. I'm by no means an alcoholic, nor do I ever see myself becoming one, but every once in awhile, it's nice to get toasty, be a little numb to my surroundings, and just max out and relax. My mind is so often so busy, it helps lull things a bit. Funny I should say this, and yet my fingers still will me to keep typing. It's nearly 2:00AM.
Shit.
I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow. It may not pay as much as I need or as much as some people, but damn it, it gives me some small sense of purpose, and right now that's what I feel I need most right now. I can't shake this ever-present need lately of the urgent desire to feel USEFUL to someone. If this is all I'm good for, for now, then so be it. I don't see myself in foodservice forever, and it is my hope that this job be the last in such a field, but it's a good enough place for now for me to roost and take root, so long as I continue to be dedicated and work hard.
I hope business is relatively steady tomorrow like it was today.