latest realizations in my life

Mar 25, 2007 12:26

So the last 36 hours or so have been fairly eventful. Yesterday started like any other saturday here, I woke up at 8, went to work and did nothing. I was however told that at noon I'd have to be somewhere to do a detail for a "jimmy buffet tribute" concert that was held here. So I showed up and yeah it was boring. the concert wasn't half bad, the guys were very good and the music was ok. the only bad part is the fact that in the 12 hours I was there, we did about 2 hours worth of work. I didn't get back to the tent till midnight. So that makes today all the harder for me, but that's life.

The realizations that have hit me in the last day and a half are the ones I thought I could deal with when she left me, and now I'm starting to realize that it's not going to be as easy as I thought now that I'm here. It's almost as if I'm reverting back to the mind set I was in right after it happened. It's not as bad, it's jut really the fact that I know she's happy with someone other then me, and it's not me there celebrating her birthday this weekend, things of that nature really. And because of this, I've done something I haven't done well in close to two years, maybe more. Those that have known me since I left for Basic know I used to write, and did so fairly well. Since I got to Germany I haven't really been inspired to do so, well when I woke up this morning I felt that back inside me. And the following is what came of it.

I know that you love me

And I love you too

But I know that you're happy

So I'm happy for you

there's something you should know

About this whole situation

Thai it's killing me slowly

To be with out you.

Our lives right now

Are in different stages and places

My hope is that someday they are on the same pages

To once again be a "we"

Or even better, and "us"

Would be my dreams come true

And worth any fuss.

My hopes and wishes for the future:

you find with in you

That you can't live with out me

Cuz I can't with out you.

It was hard for me to actually write this, and post it because it brings out some things I've been dealing with recently. I was told as I was growing up by my mom that when I found the person that made me better, made me happy and made me feel more complete with her in my life, that's when I would know that she is the one.

Yes, while we were together I always said that I knew she was, but to tell you the truth, I really didn't. My dad was right in the email he sent me saying that he didn't support my decision to get married because it was to rushed and we just both were lonely. That truly was the case at that point. So in a way, I truly owe a lot more to my mom for cancelling it like she did. We moved down to Az, and all seemed well. I still was of the mindset that she would be the one that I'd settle with, but somewhere inside me, it just didn't feel right.

When she did break up with me, it hurt me deeply and sent me into a tailspin. It forced me to realize things I was doing, that are not in my style. I've changed that to the best of my ability, and am still working some of the things over. As I got deployed, the real feelings for her came back out, and mine regrew from the root, only stronger and deeper then they ever were.

Only in the last 2 days have I realized that all the things I once thought, and once believed to be true, really are the truth, and really are the way I feel. I can no longer see myself living and being with anyone else for any amount of time in any seriousness.

It's very hard to come out like this, because it's a matter of pride that I take in being able to keep things in. I've always been able to do it, but this is one thing that if I let fester, may never be solved. Yes I realize that once she reads this, it may send her away from me, and that's not what I'm trying to do. My goal here is to tell her that everything I've ever told her, every way I've ever felt about her, is real and more heartfelt then I've ever been towards anyone else, and ever will be.

The one thing I've always said no matter who it is, "as long as you're happy, I am too." That's always been my main goal in life, to make those around me happier, and keep them pleased. I take a back seat to them. But now, knowing it's him and not me in those pictures, spending that sacred time away from the rest of society one on one, it's slowly eating at me from the inside. I just needed to get all this out.

To her, I'm sorry that this is out now, and I hoep you can understand and not shy away from me.

To the other, I'm sorry if I lead in in any direction other then us just being friends, I can see us as no more, or less.

To everyone else, thank you for paying attention, and sticking with me. All is well over here, and I'm doing just fine.

Take care of yourselves, and each other!

SPC Jason Rynders 63B US ARMY
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