48 hours later
This is solely for my piece of mind, and intended to let everyone in my life (Ashley included if she decides to read this) know how I'm coping with recent events.
Two days ago the worst thing in the world happened to me in that I lost the love of my life. Though I did forsee this coming in a way, it was still VERY unexpected. When it happened I was shocked, stunned and all around broken and hurt. In a way I still am I guess. I do realize that I have all of my friends and family back home, as well as the people around me here to include, but not limited to LTC Zerger the Brigade Chaplain.
I guess through talking to him and the other people I have I now realize that I can't do the same with this pain as I have with previous "love interests" for lack of better terminology. In the past I've wiped it off and gotten back to the mission at hand. With Katie, I was in Basic training and had no time to think about other things. Aston, I was at AIT, and again, had little or no time. Brittany, while VERY different I was surrounded by all of my friends when it happened, and soon after returned to Germany and the Motor Pool lifestyle, again little time to grieve. But with them, it didn't hurt this much.
I can't possibly begin to explain what my mind has gone through in the last 2 days. I still can't think straight, it's more of a circular fashion that my mind is moving. I haven't really been able to eat much, though I have tried. But in the same respect, I literally may not have long to grieve the loss of her. If I let it take me over, as I could very easily, I could end up putting not only myself but my fellow soldiers at risk if/when I go to Iraq. The part that really kind of got me all bent out of shape is when she told me two things. The first, she NEVER felt anything but moved here to see if it would work itself out, the second I saw, didn't really get told. Yesterday when I was finally able to look at her profile on here again it shows she's already back into another relationship. That's probably the most hurtful piece. I'm not gonna worry about anything anymore though, she seems happy and that's all that matters I guess. I wish them the best of luck in everything.
As you can see, I'm moving forward, however slowly it's happening. I took a "large" step today in sending off her mail I received at the apartment along with the dress she was to wear at the wedding and a sweater she got and left here. I still have all the pictures to remind me of her not only in my phone but on my computer, but I just can't erase those.
While I'm a lonely heart wandering through the desert of love so to speak, I'm slowly finding my way back to the mainland. I may never again be the same, and in the same respect may never again be able to open up to anyone as easily again. Ashley is well aware of the fact that I'm always here for her to talk to, doesn't matter the time of day or the reason. I'm leaving the contact to her, as well as the friend piece. If she so decides to request me as a friend again, I will not think twice about accepting. I still love her very much, and can never see that changing. I guess in a small way I hope that when I come back from Iraq, she still is willing to visit me while on leave in September, and we can work some things out there. It's one of those things I don't expect, but can hope for in all instances.
To sum all of this up, I'm still very hurt, but the healing process has begun. I'm skipping the hate phase as I can never hate someone I love so deeply. It's going to take time that I really don't have to get my mind back to thinking straight lines, and my body in working order again. For the first time, I'm not going to try and heal myself, I plan on using the people around me to get over this loss, as it will expedite this process slightly.
I'm hurt, confused, lost and broken, but with the help of my loved ones and my support channel I will eventually return to normal and be back on my feet.
Always a friend, Forever a defender of the freedoms we enjoy.
SPC Jason Rynders 63B US ARMY
Two days ago the worst thing in the world happened to me in that I lost the love of my life. Though I did forsee this coming in a way, it was still VERY unexpected. When it happened I was shocked, stunned and all around broken and hurt. In a way I still am I guess. I do realize that I have all of my friends and family back home, as well as the people around me here to include, but not limited to LTC Zerger the Brigade Chaplain.
I guess through talking to him and the other people I have I now realize that I can't do the same with this pain as I have with previous "love interests" for lack of better terminology. In the past I've wiped it off and gotten back to the mission at hand. With Katie, I was in Basic training and had no time to think about other things. Aston, I was at AIT, and again, had little or no time. Brittany, while VERY different I was surrounded by all of my friends when it happened, and soon after returned to Germany and the Motor Pool lifestyle, again little time to grieve. But with them, it didn't hurt this much.
I can't possibly begin to explain what my mind has gone through in the last 2 days. I still can't think straight, it's more of a circular fashion that my mind is moving. I haven't really been able to eat much, though I have tried. But in the same respect, I literally may not have long to grieve the loss of her. If I let it take me over, as I could very easily, I could end up putting not only myself but my fellow soldiers at risk if/when I go to Iraq. The part that really kind of got me all bent out of shape is when she told me two things. The first, she NEVER felt anything but moved here to see if it would work itself out, the second I saw, didn't really get told. Yesterday when I was finally able to look at her profile on here again it shows she's already back into another relationship. That's probably the most hurtful piece. I'm not gonna worry about anything anymore though, she seems happy and that's all that matters I guess. I wish them the best of luck in everything.
As you can see, I'm moving forward, however slowly it's happening. I took a "large" step today in sending off her mail I received at the apartment along with the dress she was to wear at the wedding and a sweater she got and left here. I still have all the pictures to remind me of her not only in my phone but on my computer, but I just can't erase those.
While I'm a lonely heart wandering through the desert of love so to speak, I'm slowly finding my way back to the mainland. I may never again be the same, and in the same respect may never again be able to open up to anyone as easily again. Ashley is well aware of the fact that I'm always here for her to talk to, doesn't matter the time of day or the reason. I'm leaving the contact to her, as well as the friend piece. If she so decides to request me as a friend again, I will not think twice about accepting. I still love her very much, and can never see that changing. I guess in a small way I hope that when I come back from Iraq, she still is willing to visit me while on leave in September, and we can work some things out there. It's one of those things I don't expect, but can hope for in all instances.
To sum all of this up, I'm still very hurt, but the healing process has begun. I'm skipping the hate phase as I can never hate someone I love so deeply. It's going to take time that I really don't have to get my mind back to thinking straight lines, and my body in working order again. For the first time, I'm not going to try and heal myself, I plan on using the people around me to get over this loss, as it will expedite this process slightly.
I'm hurt, confused, lost and broken, but with the help of my loved ones and my support channel I will eventually return to normal and be back on my feet.
Always a friend, Forever a defender of the freedoms we enjoy.
SPC Jason Rynders 63B US ARMY