hows it gonna be
lately i've been obsessed with this 3eb song. why? not because i'm going through some transformation or anything, but i'm in love with the lyrics. what are we fighting for? is there anything i'm going to miss. how's it going to be when you don't know me anymore.
so yeah. maybe i am going through some transformation. maybe im going through a pseudo transformation. and this time i think it's for me. it's because i want to. because i'm ready. i'm ready to let it all go. because i don't care anymore.
the slavic class is helping. decadence, aesthetes. it's all surface. it's all artifice. everything is shallow. i'm shallow.
i'm talking to this guy right now and he's telling me about how he's sad because he doesn't spend time with his friends anymore. how there was drama and the group broke up. who's fault is that? what is a relationship anyway? so i'm tangent-ing.
i should be writing my paper on salome but i don't know what i'm writing about. metaphors. imagery. the dangers of the gaze. vanity and corruption. visibility/invisibility. i don't know.
some days i am happy. most days i am. but i haven't gotten anywhere. i tell myself that i'll do things. that i will change. but i have an attachment. i can't deny the feeling. no matter what. no matter what happens, i can't deny the feeling.
im numb. i pretend to be numb. i pretend i'm some strong girl who doesn't care what anyone thinks. and in part, that's true. who cares if so and so is thinner than me, if so and so is more attractive. but i regress because i'm writing in my livejournal again. no one reads it so it doesnt really matter.
i'm tired of being the sacrificial lamb. i don't want pity but i'm sick of it. i was raised to be patient, to let people have their way, to avoid confrontation and then one day it'll all pay off. well i can't take it anymore. every day i feel alienated. if i wasn't feeling alienated i would feel like i was living a lie.
i can admit to my social ineptitude or my choice to be anti-social. haha. back into that dark little hole i call home. i resisted the walgreens 24 oz jar. but it'll always be inside me. that's all for now.
and a message for christine. attraction to a gay guy and a white rasta.
so yeah. maybe i am going through some transformation. maybe im going through a pseudo transformation. and this time i think it's for me. it's because i want to. because i'm ready. i'm ready to let it all go. because i don't care anymore.
the slavic class is helping. decadence, aesthetes. it's all surface. it's all artifice. everything is shallow. i'm shallow.
i'm talking to this guy right now and he's telling me about how he's sad because he doesn't spend time with his friends anymore. how there was drama and the group broke up. who's fault is that? what is a relationship anyway? so i'm tangent-ing.
i should be writing my paper on salome but i don't know what i'm writing about. metaphors. imagery. the dangers of the gaze. vanity and corruption. visibility/invisibility. i don't know.
some days i am happy. most days i am. but i haven't gotten anywhere. i tell myself that i'll do things. that i will change. but i have an attachment. i can't deny the feeling. no matter what. no matter what happens, i can't deny the feeling.
im numb. i pretend to be numb. i pretend i'm some strong girl who doesn't care what anyone thinks. and in part, that's true. who cares if so and so is thinner than me, if so and so is more attractive. but i regress because i'm writing in my livejournal again. no one reads it so it doesnt really matter.
i'm tired of being the sacrificial lamb. i don't want pity but i'm sick of it. i was raised to be patient, to let people have their way, to avoid confrontation and then one day it'll all pay off. well i can't take it anymore. every day i feel alienated. if i wasn't feeling alienated i would feel like i was living a lie.
i can admit to my social ineptitude or my choice to be anti-social. haha. back into that dark little hole i call home. i resisted the walgreens 24 oz jar. but it'll always be inside me. that's all for now.
and a message for christine. attraction to a gay guy and a white rasta.