life in general- and how sad.
I am graduating college in a week. I should, if all is well leave with two B.A.'s in photography and video production. I am very nervous as I feel that I lack the responsibility needed to make it in the real world. if there is one thing that I learned in college it is that college is nothing like the real world. If I can graduate with two degrees and still maintain a 3.0 GPA then there has to be a problem with this institution because I did absolutely nothing while I was here. I think that school is just an excuse to prolong your childhood and to be dependent, more or less not on your self but others.
I don't know what I am going to do. There is a chance that I can get a job with a photo portrait studio where i would just do portraits all the time which doesn't seem like all that much fun to me but would pay a lot 16/hr which would be nice since I do need a job. Otherwise i was kind of thinking of taking it easy and getting a job at the local grocery store where I live, but I don't really know. What I would like to do is get a place o my own which will not happen unless I have a really good steady job in which I could afford to live on my own but ideally I would like to have a place where i can do my photo work and possibly even do video work, but essentially I would need a place to live and work and that is all. But for now I just need to focus on getting a job to pay the bills. I am going to give myself three months to get a job and save up enough extra money to maybe hopefully be able to move out and into a bigger place when next semester comes along as i am hoping to rent a small house with a really good friend if it is something that she would be happy doing, otherwise she wants to live on her own but I know that it is fifty fifty right now if it will work out. But I have two to three months to just work my ass off over the summer and just make money.
As far as love goes, I never found it and it never found me. Therefore I am not a very happy person and haven't been so for a very long time. I don't know what is wrong with me that nobody has any interest in me at all, ever. I feel that I am becoming a bitter and very negative person and soon I will become a total piece of shit asshole guy like every other guy in the world and I don't want to be like that. But the longer i go without love the more desperate I get for sex and crap like that and my biggest fear is that I would end up using people for sex and not because I think that they are nice decent fun people that I would like to spend time with. I really would like to detach my penis for a while so I won't have to think about such things because I think about it a lot more than I used to and that isn't good. I am losing focus on the genuine love that I can find from the other sex I am just focusing on having sex with the other sex and I feel like shit because i refuse to ever take advantage of anyone especially for such a crappy reason. But the longer that I go without being in a relationship the more difficult it will be and I want to be able to love like I used to. And now that I am out of school I won't be surrounded by beautiful girls so the opportunity will be less as well to meet some one. I really really just want somebody that I can spend time with and talk with and share with and go places with and laugh with and just be together.
I need to find another best friend because mine is moving away to another life and another place where she has another set of friends and places to go. She will be happy going back and I am glad that she will be happy although it is potential that she will fall back into old habbits and old people and situations, but it is her life and she knows what is good for her, most of the time. I just wish that we could have been together because i absoltely did love her a lot and I was a very good friend for her and I would have loved to beable to hold her and take care of her. but she just never wanted any of that, or at least with me, and now she is leaving to go back home to a different life and I am left here all alone and with nothing but a room full of shit and a horrible fear that i will be a failure at everything I do in life. And I have this horrible idea that if I can take care of somebody else then i don't have to worry about taking care of myself which is definately what I have been doing lately. as long as I am useful to somebody then I at least feal somewhat happy knowing that i am needed and have a purpose and can hopefully make a difference for somebody.
So yeah, I don't know what else to write in here but I haven't written in such a long time I feel that maybe I should just ramble. But all I think about is love and why I am so undesireable to everybody. I hate being alone and I don't like my life right now. I don't know what to do to make myself happy. i do not know what makes my friend happy. I hope that I can continue making her happy even if we do live a million miles away.
I do have a friend who lives not too far away and I really do like her, a lot and she would be very fun to do projects with and hang out with and I could definately love her as I have in the past. I don't know if she would feel the same. I have to question my motives because I don't want to use her just because she is there. I think I have a wierd fear that all I ever do is use girls and helping them is just an excuse to spend time with them. But I also think I am alone because i choose not to get involved with a girl unless I absolutely fall in love with her in every way possible. I have way too high of standards and I am too shy or whatever to actually talk to anybody. I also don't act unless I am really sure that there is a mutual interest, again because I don't want to take advantage of the situation. I haven't been in a true relationship in almost five years. I have been really close to only two girls since then that involved being pysically close and maybe one girl might like me a lot but i don't think that I could really be happy being with her for the rest of my life as our lifestyles just wouldn't work together. I would feel like shit telling her that but I do need to be honesst with her as well as i don't really know if she has any hope for us to be together
I have a video project due in three days, I am going to work on it tonight and tomorrow night and hopefully it will turn out really well and I can graduate with no problems. I am going to take one class next semester and shoot a lot of photographs over the summer depending on what my work schedule is and how much money I can make. I really want to try a relationship again with sarah, I wonder if she would want to or not. I should just assume no. I am not romantic anymore, I am bitter and life doesn't seem all that happy. If I can't do my art then I have nothing to live for because I do not have love and without those I really have no purpose and would feel ultimately empty and unhappy.
I don't know what I am going to do. There is a chance that I can get a job with a photo portrait studio where i would just do portraits all the time which doesn't seem like all that much fun to me but would pay a lot 16/hr which would be nice since I do need a job. Otherwise i was kind of thinking of taking it easy and getting a job at the local grocery store where I live, but I don't really know. What I would like to do is get a place o my own which will not happen unless I have a really good steady job in which I could afford to live on my own but ideally I would like to have a place where i can do my photo work and possibly even do video work, but essentially I would need a place to live and work and that is all. But for now I just need to focus on getting a job to pay the bills. I am going to give myself three months to get a job and save up enough extra money to maybe hopefully be able to move out and into a bigger place when next semester comes along as i am hoping to rent a small house with a really good friend if it is something that she would be happy doing, otherwise she wants to live on her own but I know that it is fifty fifty right now if it will work out. But I have two to three months to just work my ass off over the summer and just make money.
As far as love goes, I never found it and it never found me. Therefore I am not a very happy person and haven't been so for a very long time. I don't know what is wrong with me that nobody has any interest in me at all, ever. I feel that I am becoming a bitter and very negative person and soon I will become a total piece of shit asshole guy like every other guy in the world and I don't want to be like that. But the longer i go without love the more desperate I get for sex and crap like that and my biggest fear is that I would end up using people for sex and not because I think that they are nice decent fun people that I would like to spend time with. I really would like to detach my penis for a while so I won't have to think about such things because I think about it a lot more than I used to and that isn't good. I am losing focus on the genuine love that I can find from the other sex I am just focusing on having sex with the other sex and I feel like shit because i refuse to ever take advantage of anyone especially for such a crappy reason. But the longer that I go without being in a relationship the more difficult it will be and I want to be able to love like I used to. And now that I am out of school I won't be surrounded by beautiful girls so the opportunity will be less as well to meet some one. I really really just want somebody that I can spend time with and talk with and share with and go places with and laugh with and just be together.
I need to find another best friend because mine is moving away to another life and another place where she has another set of friends and places to go. She will be happy going back and I am glad that she will be happy although it is potential that she will fall back into old habbits and old people and situations, but it is her life and she knows what is good for her, most of the time. I just wish that we could have been together because i absoltely did love her a lot and I was a very good friend for her and I would have loved to beable to hold her and take care of her. but she just never wanted any of that, or at least with me, and now she is leaving to go back home to a different life and I am left here all alone and with nothing but a room full of shit and a horrible fear that i will be a failure at everything I do in life. And I have this horrible idea that if I can take care of somebody else then i don't have to worry about taking care of myself which is definately what I have been doing lately. as long as I am useful to somebody then I at least feal somewhat happy knowing that i am needed and have a purpose and can hopefully make a difference for somebody.
So yeah, I don't know what else to write in here but I haven't written in such a long time I feel that maybe I should just ramble. But all I think about is love and why I am so undesireable to everybody. I hate being alone and I don't like my life right now. I don't know what to do to make myself happy. i do not know what makes my friend happy. I hope that I can continue making her happy even if we do live a million miles away.
I do have a friend who lives not too far away and I really do like her, a lot and she would be very fun to do projects with and hang out with and I could definately love her as I have in the past. I don't know if she would feel the same. I have to question my motives because I don't want to use her just because she is there. I think I have a wierd fear that all I ever do is use girls and helping them is just an excuse to spend time with them. But I also think I am alone because i choose not to get involved with a girl unless I absolutely fall in love with her in every way possible. I have way too high of standards and I am too shy or whatever to actually talk to anybody. I also don't act unless I am really sure that there is a mutual interest, again because I don't want to take advantage of the situation. I haven't been in a true relationship in almost five years. I have been really close to only two girls since then that involved being pysically close and maybe one girl might like me a lot but i don't think that I could really be happy being with her for the rest of my life as our lifestyles just wouldn't work together. I would feel like shit telling her that but I do need to be honesst with her as well as i don't really know if she has any hope for us to be together
I have a video project due in three days, I am going to work on it tonight and tomorrow night and hopefully it will turn out really well and I can graduate with no problems. I am going to take one class next semester and shoot a lot of photographs over the summer depending on what my work schedule is and how much money I can make. I really want to try a relationship again with sarah, I wonder if she would want to or not. I should just assume no. I am not romantic anymore, I am bitter and life doesn't seem all that happy. If I can't do my art then I have nothing to live for because I do not have love and without those I really have no purpose and would feel ultimately empty and unhappy.