Ninety Nine Problems.

[orwellian_trash]

As surely everyone, even the people who hide under stones obsessing over the minutiae of esoteric ephemera, knows the saying by the greatest poet of our generation, Jay-Z: "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one".

However what Mr Z's song fails to convey is what exactly his 99 problems are. The song, which appears on 2004's The Black Album, goes

Comments

[bunglevolante]

what the hell are those things impaled in those poor ice creams? tree bark? cinnamon sticks? beef jerky? maybe that's why he's got problems with 99 flake ice cream. who the hell wants to eat beef jerky with their ice cream?

[tired_spirit]

That's a Flake, or rather a shorter version thereof, which is made from Cadbury's Dairy Milk Chocolate folded back on itself again and again so as to produce a flakey quality when cooled, wrapped, and sold for public consumption.

[bunglevolante]

interesting. i've never heard of such a thing.

[bunglevolante]

mind you, i didn't know about lion bars until yesterday either. which sound exactly like these 100 grand bars my dad loves so much. made by the same company, so there you go.

[tired_spirit]

They are in no way as much fun as Maltesers. Nor Whispas.

[bunglevolante]

or those foot dip lollipops that the spice girls advertised for a while? the ones you dipped into the poprock dust and it made your mouth crackle? i liked those. my friend & i used to pour the dust onto a plate and eat it that way so the sticker inside wouldn't be ruined. god forbid my dear emma bunton be trapped underneath a layer of saliva and poprock sugar.

[tired_spirit]

You'd quite happily have Emma Bunton under a layer of your saliva and poprock sugar and you know it.

[bunglevolante]

not if she's in sticker form. but otherwise, yes. especially if she had her pigtails again.

[tired_spirit]

What length pigtails? Give-Me-Head-Length-Handle pigtails or Taken-From-Behind-Length-Handle pigtails?

[bunglevolante]

uhhhh..i don't have a length preference.

(you know i've got a vagina, right? i hope i'm not deceptively sexless. that will sadden me.)

[tired_spirit]

The preference could be merely cosmetic; I was just using my own length naming system.

(Yes, I know that you have a vagina, but there are two things here: 1) I was using my own length naming system; and B) it's possible for women to get head and for women to take someone from behind. And just because you have a vagina doesn't mean that you can't take charge.)

[bunglevolante]

Well I certainly didn't say I couldn't take charge because I'm a lady, I just don't use the whole tugging pig tails while tapping some bitch from the back approach.

[tired_spirit]

No, you didn't, but then I'm not quite sure why you pointed out that you were a lady.

And what if the girl likes it? What then? Wouldst thou leave her unsatisfied in the hair-pulling department? The poor girl.

[bunglevolante]

I think it's because you mentioned the take that bitch from behind length, and the getting head length. So I was a little thrown off.

I wouldn't, but then again it depends on what the hell is going on. I'm not going to be wearing a strap on, I can tell you. It defeats the purpose of being with a woman.

[tired_spirit]

I was merely discussing things in principle in the first instance; I wouldn't dream of enquiring about your particular proclivities.

That would be rude.

[bunglevolante]

Oh, I'm sure you lovely English can stand to be rude on occasion! You guys rudely shipped over the worst of your country to us! (Nigel Lithgow, Simon Cowell, PIERS MORGAN.)

Nigel is thoroughly unprepared for the rudeness of our trains.