[Fanfic] About doors and lost kid
Title: About doors and lost kid
Pairings: Ryopi, Ryotego, Pin (friendship and maybe...)
Genre: angst, romance
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own those guys only in my imagination.
Summary: He thought that it was the only way to deal with his problems, but in the end he almost lose everything
A/N: I wrote it from Ryo's and Pi's pov (written in italics) and you can read their by turns. I know that it's another story from someone pov but it's easier for me, so please bear with my laziness ;)
I still remember his “Ryo-chan, friend forever”. I couldn’t forget something so important. And it came true. After all those years I still could say that he was like brother for me and what’s important I know that he could say the same thing about me. At first I was proud that he confided in me but by the time it became a burden. Slowly I started to hate when he told me about his new crush, when he described his wild nigh in the club. I didn’t want to hear about it. I wanted to be with him when he experienced all of that because I thought that slowly he started to move away from me and I didn’t like it.
I didn’t knew what’s going on but I was just a kid. I didn’t knew many stuff. I thought that it was nothing, that I just had to grit my teeth. Like it was any solution but then I thought that it was good idea.
Slowly I started to realize that Tegoshi is really cute and even if at first the only person he looked at was Yamapi, by time he started to admire me and well… I would lie if I tell that it didn’t mattered to me. I think that you know what I mean…
I started dating him. Please, understand me. I knew that he was jus a kid, beautiful kid but it didn’t changed a thing. I was lonely, I needed someone and he was near. I used him, I know that but I thought that slowly I could fall in love with him. Don’t tell me that you never done something like that…
I knew that Pi disapproved my relationship with Tegoshi, he knew about my true feelings and with every opportunity he tried to stop me but it was too late. I used too much to my new “boyfriend”. I don’t know… maybe he tried to protect me, only that came to my mind because everything else was too abstract for me.
Everything was good but then it happened. Disband of NEWS.
--------------
I felt that I failed. As a leader and as a friend. I remember when we were called to the boss, I remember my anger. Not because of our end, well yes… but what really pissed me of? That they already planned our future and we couldn’t say “no”, we had to agree. That or farewell with agency.
I felt like convict sentenced to death by firing squad. We just said that we accepted new offer but when we were outside the office I saw that something changed and we had to welcome new life. It isn’t easy when your world collapsed in one moment. It’s terrifying because without a blink everything distorted. I changed and I knew that I have no chance be the same as before. Koyama’s numbness, Shige’s questions about future, Massu’s panic. It was awful. But it really hit me when I saw Ryo with Tegoshi, when Ryo hugged younger one and tried to console him. And that was what really got me because we wouldn’t laugh at the backstage together, we wouldn’t read in our minds every day. Of course that I was happy that finally I will start my solo carrier but price for that was unbearable.
I just hoped that guys will manage somehow, that we could keep on as a friends. I wanted to help them with all my might but when I told them that Koyama burst out crying and my shirt was wet. Damn you…
------------------
I always was overworked, tired from working in two bands but I really used to NEWS. When they told us that it was the end I felt like part of me died. I still had Kanjani but it will be different. My life will be different and I didn’t like that.
Tegoshi was devastated too. He knew that I will spent more time in Osaka and that our time together will be reduced to the minimum. I just could hug him because all words were inappropriate in that moment.
I saw how Koyama cried on Pi’s shoulder and then I understood that my time with Yamapi will end too. Of course that we still will be friends but it wouldn’t be like before. I was scared that someone could come on my place, that in the middle of the night Pi will call his other friend because I wouldn’t be there, I wouldn’t be with him.
That thoughts scared me because I still had Tegoshi in my arms but I could only think about Pi. I really had no feelings for Tegoshi or maybe… Yeah it must be that, it explained everything, my struggle and my behavior. And really it was funny because I didn’t know when it began because it’s impossible to start so sudden… It just that maybe I never understood what’s going on… maybe I was blind… I had to lost them to understood that I was in love with Yamashita Tomohisa.
I was surprised by myself because later, that evening, when I parted with Tegoshi, I didn’t go back to my house. I stood before Pi’s door with hand on the doorbell. I didn’t know how I looked but after he saw that it was me, he immediately let me in.
I looked around his apartment, trying to remember every detail. I was grateful when he gave me beer and sat next to me.
“I will miss you, Pi.”
“What? Ryo-chan you planning leave me? Don’t you dare!”
He tried to be funny but I knew what’s going on in his head. I knew the truth. He was scary and insecure. Just like me…
“No, I will really miss you. You know that now it will be different.”
“I know, but we can make it. It’s not like end of the world and Osaka isn’t far from here. Ryo-chan… but what would you do with Tegoshi?”
In that moment Tegoshi wasn’t on my priority list.
“I have no idea. Maybe nothing?”
“Ryo!”
“Fuck off. It’s my problem. Just give me another bear.”
I knew that my answer didn’t satisfied him because he treated Tegoshi like his younger brother but to tell the truth I just wanted drunk until everything around me will be blurry… except Pi.
-------------
It surprised me, really. We were drinking and tried to forget about that what happened that day when Ryo kissed me. I didn’t know what to do. Perhaps I would be more shocked but it felt so good… Maybe it was natural because we know each other for very long time, we knew what we liked because for me it wasn’t something wrong, something improper, no, on the contrary I knew that I could use to kiss like that but it wasn’t random chick picked up in bar… it was Ryo for god sake and that was enough for me to snap from that sensation.
“Ryo-chan… what are you…”
“Pi, please… just bear with me, just stop thinking…”
When I looked at him I didn’t saw my friend, grown up man, no… I saw lost kid, someone who didn’t know what to do because there was nothing to grasp. I thought that even if this is something what we would regret, right there I knew that I had to help him and if that was what he needed then I can give him that, because he was desperate and I didn’t like what I had before my eyes.
So I let him kiss me again… and again… and again… Somehow we ended in bed… I even couldn’t remember how it happened but for present day I could describe every detail from that night. I just hoped that Ryo knew that I tried to tell him that he wasn’t alone, that he always could come to me and talk, that I always would listen to him. Yes, it was probably a bad idea to show him my feelings through sex, but I knew that he understood me. How? Because I understood him perfectly when I felt his hands on my body. We were interconnected.
And that’s how it started. That night wasn’t the first one and the last. It happened always when Ryo came to Tokyo. He always showed up one day before his job so that we could spend that time together and I knew that nobody was aware that he was in town. Even Tegoshi.
I wondered why he always returned to me, why he couldn’t forget and move on. He never told me why he wanted to spend his time with me… not as a friend, why he wanted to be with me. And it wasn’t only when he got a job, sometimes I founded him at my door and when I asked him what he was doing there, I always heard one answer:
“Because I wanted to be here.” It was enough when he looked at me and I knew that our time wasn’t meant for talk.
He knew that my doors were always open for him, that I couldn’t stop that whole thing between us, even if at the beginning I felt like a whore. Yes, of course that sex was great, I never experienced something like that before and it was great distraction from normal life but I knew that the next night he will spent with Tegoshi and I will be left alone.
I wondered if Tegoshi knew about me and Ryo, if he was conscious of the fact that we fucked right under his nose, that we deceived him. But what? Should I ask him? No… it was stupid… I was stupid because by time my heart started to break every time when Ryo closed door behind himself, and I was sure that it wasn’t something what I could fix.
Even if at first it was only a sex for me, a way to help my friend, diversion, it wasn’t like that any longer. I wanted mornings with him, I wanted be with him in public, I wanted show that we were together, but all what I wanted was reserved for Tegoshi and even if he had what I dreamed about, I couldn’t bring myself to hate him, because I took from him something important, I robbed him from passion. He could only have a routine.
But I was envious because he got everything what I wanted, he was someone who I wanted to be.
---------------
I really didn’t know why Pi allowed me to act like that. I noticed that he was struggling in that situation but he never told me to stop, he accepted me, all of me. I knew that I hurt him but I wanted more and I think that nothing could stop me from being with Pi.
Tegoshi… I was with him too but I couldn’t bring myself to broke up with him. Tegoshi was sweet, every time when we were together I was calm because he was easy to deal with. He got my attention and… that was all. Maybe I looked like a bastard and probably I was one, but how could I tell him truth?
And Pi… he was like a forbidden fruit and people always wanted to play with fire and I wasn’t different. Sometimes when I couldn’t sleep I looked at him and I thought that it was my place, that I would be more than happy if I could wake up next to him every day and it was really easy to achieve it if I tried, but that never happened.
Maybe I was too scary or too greedy. I wanted Tegoshi, his look full of admiration and devotion and I wanted Pi because I loved him but I was afraid that when I tell him how I felt he would leave me. I didn’t want to lose his friendship… and his bed. So I kept on without any change but that scared me too… what if Pi finally got tired of me? What if the doors to his home will remain closed?
---------------
Finally we all could met together. NEWS, first time after disband. We all had our new responsibility and it was hard to find free time but we managed somehow and I could be with them again. I was really happy because I missed them, in the end they were my friends too.
We met at the club, we wanted to talk and have fun and it was really great. Everyone talked about their new job, how they moved on after spilt up. Maybe I would enjoyed it more if I wasn’t focused on something different, all what I could see was Ryo with Tegoshi, cuddled in the corner, lost to the world.
I never was a great actor and in the real life it’s always harder to pretend. I really couldn’t stand what I saw, it was too much for me to bear with that. It was the first time when I saw them together, first time after I started to sleep with Ryo and even if I knew that he still was with Tegoshi I just didn’t though about it.
I told rest of the guys that I was tired from my work and that I want to get home. They understood me, they knew how it always was without time for rest, I could easily disappear from that nightmare. When I was outside I grabbed my phone and I called for someone who knew about everything, someone who consoled me when I was left behind without breath.
“Jin, I need you.”
“Where are you? I will be there as soon as possible.”
“I’m at the park, near home, you know where, right?”
“Yeah, I know. Don’t move from there.”
And I waited because I knew that Jin would help me, he always does. Sometimes I wondered how he could left everything just to be with me, to share my pain but he was always a good friend so maybe when we grow up our capability to sacrifice grow with us…
When he came I felt safe. Only he knew about my problems, about my insecure and because of that I could throw himself into his embrace. It was the only place in the world where I could forget, and to tell the truth I needed it very much. People say that time heals all wounds but I didn’t have it. In my head time slowed down and all what I could see was that image of them, something that stuck in my throat and I really needed to let go because I understood that I’m miserable and I didn’t like myself any more.
“Jin…’
“Hmmm?”
“I have to stop but I don’t know how.”
“Pi... I can’t give you answer, you have to figure it by yourself.”
“I know… but it’s scary…”
“Don’t worry. I will be right behind you. I will always catch you when you fall.”
“I know... because you love me.”
"I do... I really, really love you..."
"I love you too... You really are my best friend."
We sat like that a little longer but I knew that both of us had job next day so we need to go sleep. And Jin… my dear Jin… he told me that he can’t leave me, that he will be worried so he will sleep at my couch. In that moment I could move heaven and earth for him. I was really grateful.
I was prepared for calmly night but it wasn’t destined for me. Not when I saw Ryo when we was leaning against my door.
“Jin…”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah… Somehow…’
“In any case you can call me, you know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know. I will see you tomorrow.”
When Jin left us, only one thing was left for me to do.
“What do you want Ryo?”
----------------
We were in the club and suddenly Pi wasn’t there any more. I didn’t know why he would left, I thought that he had fun but.. oh yeah, I forgot about one significant detail. Tegoshi and me... Did I overstep the mark?
I wanted to look for him but Tegoshi clung to me and to tell you the truth it started to irritated me. So I left him there. I knew that he could have fun without me.
When I was on the streets I wondered where Pi would go. His friend, another bar, home? Yes, home. He had to came there. And I ran there, it was a rush at breakneck speed. When I waited for Pi I though why I even was there, for what reason? What would I do when he finally will be there? I didn’t know but maybe I didn’t know oneself?
And then I saw them, tightly embraced, with sincere smiles on their faces and I felt fire inside of me. I was burning and I wasn’t sure if I could ever extinguish that inferno. It didn’t help when Pi noticed me and when he started his quiet conversation with Jin, it didn’t help when I realized that he was cautions and wary of me, it didn’t help when he asked me:
“What do you want Ryo?”
I didn’t knew what I want but I was sure of one thing. That Pi belongs to me and I was, I am and that I will be his.
“Pi… Don’t get wrapped up in any guy but me.”
And he started to laugh.
“What? How dare you say something like that? Do you know who you are? You are like a little child who wants everything.”
He got the point.
“I’m here, you don’t need someone else!”
“But I am not satisfying, right?”
No! Nothing like that! Why he couldn’t understood me? Should I show him everything what was inside of me? In one moment I pinned him against the door and started to kiss him. I hoped that he would feel what I felt, that I was just another stupid guy on this planet and what from what I knew, nobody discovered vaccine against stupidity. I could undress him right there, on the streets, devour him. I didn’t knew how it would go by because then I heard something what petrified me.
“Nishikido -kun?”
I saw that Pi closed his eyes but he could do that, it wasn’t his fight.
“Tegoshi…”
“And Yamashita-kun… Why?”
“Tegoshi, let me say something.”
“I saw that you left me there, I thought that something happened so I followed you and… and this is what I get? How long?”
“Tegoshi, I…”
“I don’t want to hear you! How can I believe you?” And with that he ran away.
“Ryo-chan… go after him.”
I thought that I misheard.
“What? Pi…”
“No, you still can catch him before he will do something stupid.”
“So should I leave you?”
“It’s for you to decide, I already made a decision and Ryo… you can’t have both of us, you need to choose.”
Pi looked at me and then went inside. I was left alone in the middle of the night.
---------------
When he kissed me I already knew that it was the last time. Really. I had enough, I deserved for something normal. When Tegoshi came I thought that maybe it wasn’t a bad end, maybe it was like it should be from the beginning. He made it easier for me because when I saw him, when he cried, I thought that I really love that boy and why I had done something what broke him into pieces? He loved Ryo… I loved Ryo too, but maybe Tegoshi will make Ryo happier than me?
I said clearly that he should go after him but when I closed the door I felt tears on my cheeks. I always thought that love only could soil the soul but when I experienced it, I understood that love ennoble.
I was ready to made a new step, I was ready for new life, without Ryo. For what I wasn’t ready? For my night visitor, for someone who came about four in the morning with bags, for someone who destroyed my new resolution.
“I decide. You think that you can accept me again?”
How could I not? In the end my doors were always opened for him.
Pairings: Ryopi, Ryotego, Pin (friendship and maybe...)
Genre: angst, romance
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own those guys only in my imagination.
Summary: He thought that it was the only way to deal with his problems, but in the end he almost lose everything
A/N: I wrote it from Ryo's and Pi's pov (written in italics) and you can read their by turns. I know that it's another story from someone pov but it's easier for me, so please bear with my laziness ;)
I still remember his “Ryo-chan, friend forever”. I couldn’t forget something so important. And it came true. After all those years I still could say that he was like brother for me and what’s important I know that he could say the same thing about me. At first I was proud that he confided in me but by the time it became a burden. Slowly I started to hate when he told me about his new crush, when he described his wild nigh in the club. I didn’t want to hear about it. I wanted to be with him when he experienced all of that because I thought that slowly he started to move away from me and I didn’t like it.
I didn’t knew what’s going on but I was just a kid. I didn’t knew many stuff. I thought that it was nothing, that I just had to grit my teeth. Like it was any solution but then I thought that it was good idea.
Slowly I started to realize that Tegoshi is really cute and even if at first the only person he looked at was Yamapi, by time he started to admire me and well… I would lie if I tell that it didn’t mattered to me. I think that you know what I mean…
I started dating him. Please, understand me. I knew that he was jus a kid, beautiful kid but it didn’t changed a thing. I was lonely, I needed someone and he was near. I used him, I know that but I thought that slowly I could fall in love with him. Don’t tell me that you never done something like that…
I knew that Pi disapproved my relationship with Tegoshi, he knew about my true feelings and with every opportunity he tried to stop me but it was too late. I used too much to my new “boyfriend”. I don’t know… maybe he tried to protect me, only that came to my mind because everything else was too abstract for me.
Everything was good but then it happened. Disband of NEWS.
--------------
I felt that I failed. As a leader and as a friend. I remember when we were called to the boss, I remember my anger. Not because of our end, well yes… but what really pissed me of? That they already planned our future and we couldn’t say “no”, we had to agree. That or farewell with agency.
I felt like convict sentenced to death by firing squad. We just said that we accepted new offer but when we were outside the office I saw that something changed and we had to welcome new life. It isn’t easy when your world collapsed in one moment. It’s terrifying because without a blink everything distorted. I changed and I knew that I have no chance be the same as before. Koyama’s numbness, Shige’s questions about future, Massu’s panic. It was awful. But it really hit me when I saw Ryo with Tegoshi, when Ryo hugged younger one and tried to console him. And that was what really got me because we wouldn’t laugh at the backstage together, we wouldn’t read in our minds every day. Of course that I was happy that finally I will start my solo carrier but price for that was unbearable.
I just hoped that guys will manage somehow, that we could keep on as a friends. I wanted to help them with all my might but when I told them that Koyama burst out crying and my shirt was wet. Damn you…
------------------
I always was overworked, tired from working in two bands but I really used to NEWS. When they told us that it was the end I felt like part of me died. I still had Kanjani but it will be different. My life will be different and I didn’t like that.
Tegoshi was devastated too. He knew that I will spent more time in Osaka and that our time together will be reduced to the minimum. I just could hug him because all words were inappropriate in that moment.
I saw how Koyama cried on Pi’s shoulder and then I understood that my time with Yamapi will end too. Of course that we still will be friends but it wouldn’t be like before. I was scared that someone could come on my place, that in the middle of the night Pi will call his other friend because I wouldn’t be there, I wouldn’t be with him.
That thoughts scared me because I still had Tegoshi in my arms but I could only think about Pi. I really had no feelings for Tegoshi or maybe… Yeah it must be that, it explained everything, my struggle and my behavior. And really it was funny because I didn’t know when it began because it’s impossible to start so sudden… It just that maybe I never understood what’s going on… maybe I was blind… I had to lost them to understood that I was in love with Yamashita Tomohisa.
I was surprised by myself because later, that evening, when I parted with Tegoshi, I didn’t go back to my house. I stood before Pi’s door with hand on the doorbell. I didn’t know how I looked but after he saw that it was me, he immediately let me in.
I looked around his apartment, trying to remember every detail. I was grateful when he gave me beer and sat next to me.
“I will miss you, Pi.”
“What? Ryo-chan you planning leave me? Don’t you dare!”
He tried to be funny but I knew what’s going on in his head. I knew the truth. He was scary and insecure. Just like me…
“No, I will really miss you. You know that now it will be different.”
“I know, but we can make it. It’s not like end of the world and Osaka isn’t far from here. Ryo-chan… but what would you do with Tegoshi?”
In that moment Tegoshi wasn’t on my priority list.
“I have no idea. Maybe nothing?”
“Ryo!”
“Fuck off. It’s my problem. Just give me another bear.”
I knew that my answer didn’t satisfied him because he treated Tegoshi like his younger brother but to tell the truth I just wanted drunk until everything around me will be blurry… except Pi.
-------------
It surprised me, really. We were drinking and tried to forget about that what happened that day when Ryo kissed me. I didn’t know what to do. Perhaps I would be more shocked but it felt so good… Maybe it was natural because we know each other for very long time, we knew what we liked because for me it wasn’t something wrong, something improper, no, on the contrary I knew that I could use to kiss like that but it wasn’t random chick picked up in bar… it was Ryo for god sake and that was enough for me to snap from that sensation.
“Ryo-chan… what are you…”
“Pi, please… just bear with me, just stop thinking…”
When I looked at him I didn’t saw my friend, grown up man, no… I saw lost kid, someone who didn’t know what to do because there was nothing to grasp. I thought that even if this is something what we would regret, right there I knew that I had to help him and if that was what he needed then I can give him that, because he was desperate and I didn’t like what I had before my eyes.
So I let him kiss me again… and again… and again… Somehow we ended in bed… I even couldn’t remember how it happened but for present day I could describe every detail from that night. I just hoped that Ryo knew that I tried to tell him that he wasn’t alone, that he always could come to me and talk, that I always would listen to him. Yes, it was probably a bad idea to show him my feelings through sex, but I knew that he understood me. How? Because I understood him perfectly when I felt his hands on my body. We were interconnected.
And that’s how it started. That night wasn’t the first one and the last. It happened always when Ryo came to Tokyo. He always showed up one day before his job so that we could spend that time together and I knew that nobody was aware that he was in town. Even Tegoshi.
I wondered why he always returned to me, why he couldn’t forget and move on. He never told me why he wanted to spend his time with me… not as a friend, why he wanted to be with me. And it wasn’t only when he got a job, sometimes I founded him at my door and when I asked him what he was doing there, I always heard one answer:
“Because I wanted to be here.” It was enough when he looked at me and I knew that our time wasn’t meant for talk.
He knew that my doors were always open for him, that I couldn’t stop that whole thing between us, even if at the beginning I felt like a whore. Yes, of course that sex was great, I never experienced something like that before and it was great distraction from normal life but I knew that the next night he will spent with Tegoshi and I will be left alone.
I wondered if Tegoshi knew about me and Ryo, if he was conscious of the fact that we fucked right under his nose, that we deceived him. But what? Should I ask him? No… it was stupid… I was stupid because by time my heart started to break every time when Ryo closed door behind himself, and I was sure that it wasn’t something what I could fix.
Even if at first it was only a sex for me, a way to help my friend, diversion, it wasn’t like that any longer. I wanted mornings with him, I wanted be with him in public, I wanted show that we were together, but all what I wanted was reserved for Tegoshi and even if he had what I dreamed about, I couldn’t bring myself to hate him, because I took from him something important, I robbed him from passion. He could only have a routine.
But I was envious because he got everything what I wanted, he was someone who I wanted to be.
---------------
I really didn’t know why Pi allowed me to act like that. I noticed that he was struggling in that situation but he never told me to stop, he accepted me, all of me. I knew that I hurt him but I wanted more and I think that nothing could stop me from being with Pi.
Tegoshi… I was with him too but I couldn’t bring myself to broke up with him. Tegoshi was sweet, every time when we were together I was calm because he was easy to deal with. He got my attention and… that was all. Maybe I looked like a bastard and probably I was one, but how could I tell him truth?
And Pi… he was like a forbidden fruit and people always wanted to play with fire and I wasn’t different. Sometimes when I couldn’t sleep I looked at him and I thought that it was my place, that I would be more than happy if I could wake up next to him every day and it was really easy to achieve it if I tried, but that never happened.
Maybe I was too scary or too greedy. I wanted Tegoshi, his look full of admiration and devotion and I wanted Pi because I loved him but I was afraid that when I tell him how I felt he would leave me. I didn’t want to lose his friendship… and his bed. So I kept on without any change but that scared me too… what if Pi finally got tired of me? What if the doors to his home will remain closed?
---------------
Finally we all could met together. NEWS, first time after disband. We all had our new responsibility and it was hard to find free time but we managed somehow and I could be with them again. I was really happy because I missed them, in the end they were my friends too.
We met at the club, we wanted to talk and have fun and it was really great. Everyone talked about their new job, how they moved on after spilt up. Maybe I would enjoyed it more if I wasn’t focused on something different, all what I could see was Ryo with Tegoshi, cuddled in the corner, lost to the world.
I never was a great actor and in the real life it’s always harder to pretend. I really couldn’t stand what I saw, it was too much for me to bear with that. It was the first time when I saw them together, first time after I started to sleep with Ryo and even if I knew that he still was with Tegoshi I just didn’t though about it.
I told rest of the guys that I was tired from my work and that I want to get home. They understood me, they knew how it always was without time for rest, I could easily disappear from that nightmare. When I was outside I grabbed my phone and I called for someone who knew about everything, someone who consoled me when I was left behind without breath.
“Jin, I need you.”
“Where are you? I will be there as soon as possible.”
“I’m at the park, near home, you know where, right?”
“Yeah, I know. Don’t move from there.”
And I waited because I knew that Jin would help me, he always does. Sometimes I wondered how he could left everything just to be with me, to share my pain but he was always a good friend so maybe when we grow up our capability to sacrifice grow with us…
When he came I felt safe. Only he knew about my problems, about my insecure and because of that I could throw himself into his embrace. It was the only place in the world where I could forget, and to tell the truth I needed it very much. People say that time heals all wounds but I didn’t have it. In my head time slowed down and all what I could see was that image of them, something that stuck in my throat and I really needed to let go because I understood that I’m miserable and I didn’t like myself any more.
“Jin…’
“Hmmm?”
“I have to stop but I don’t know how.”
“Pi... I can’t give you answer, you have to figure it by yourself.”
“I know… but it’s scary…”
“Don’t worry. I will be right behind you. I will always catch you when you fall.”
“I know... because you love me.”
"I do... I really, really love you..."
"I love you too... You really are my best friend."
We sat like that a little longer but I knew that both of us had job next day so we need to go sleep. And Jin… my dear Jin… he told me that he can’t leave me, that he will be worried so he will sleep at my couch. In that moment I could move heaven and earth for him. I was really grateful.
I was prepared for calmly night but it wasn’t destined for me. Not when I saw Ryo when we was leaning against my door.
“Jin…”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah… Somehow…’
“In any case you can call me, you know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know. I will see you tomorrow.”
When Jin left us, only one thing was left for me to do.
“What do you want Ryo?”
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We were in the club and suddenly Pi wasn’t there any more. I didn’t know why he would left, I thought that he had fun but.. oh yeah, I forgot about one significant detail. Tegoshi and me... Did I overstep the mark?
I wanted to look for him but Tegoshi clung to me and to tell you the truth it started to irritated me. So I left him there. I knew that he could have fun without me.
When I was on the streets I wondered where Pi would go. His friend, another bar, home? Yes, home. He had to came there. And I ran there, it was a rush at breakneck speed. When I waited for Pi I though why I even was there, for what reason? What would I do when he finally will be there? I didn’t know but maybe I didn’t know oneself?
And then I saw them, tightly embraced, with sincere smiles on their faces and I felt fire inside of me. I was burning and I wasn’t sure if I could ever extinguish that inferno. It didn’t help when Pi noticed me and when he started his quiet conversation with Jin, it didn’t help when I realized that he was cautions and wary of me, it didn’t help when he asked me:
“What do you want Ryo?”
I didn’t knew what I want but I was sure of one thing. That Pi belongs to me and I was, I am and that I will be his.
“Pi… Don’t get wrapped up in any guy but me.”
And he started to laugh.
“What? How dare you say something like that? Do you know who you are? You are like a little child who wants everything.”
He got the point.
“I’m here, you don’t need someone else!”
“But I am not satisfying, right?”
No! Nothing like that! Why he couldn’t understood me? Should I show him everything what was inside of me? In one moment I pinned him against the door and started to kiss him. I hoped that he would feel what I felt, that I was just another stupid guy on this planet and what from what I knew, nobody discovered vaccine against stupidity. I could undress him right there, on the streets, devour him. I didn’t knew how it would go by because then I heard something what petrified me.
“Nishikido -kun?”
I saw that Pi closed his eyes but he could do that, it wasn’t his fight.
“Tegoshi…”
“And Yamashita-kun… Why?”
“Tegoshi, let me say something.”
“I saw that you left me there, I thought that something happened so I followed you and… and this is what I get? How long?”
“Tegoshi, I…”
“I don’t want to hear you! How can I believe you?” And with that he ran away.
“Ryo-chan… go after him.”
I thought that I misheard.
“What? Pi…”
“No, you still can catch him before he will do something stupid.”
“So should I leave you?”
“It’s for you to decide, I already made a decision and Ryo… you can’t have both of us, you need to choose.”
Pi looked at me and then went inside. I was left alone in the middle of the night.
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When he kissed me I already knew that it was the last time. Really. I had enough, I deserved for something normal. When Tegoshi came I thought that maybe it wasn’t a bad end, maybe it was like it should be from the beginning. He made it easier for me because when I saw him, when he cried, I thought that I really love that boy and why I had done something what broke him into pieces? He loved Ryo… I loved Ryo too, but maybe Tegoshi will make Ryo happier than me?
I said clearly that he should go after him but when I closed the door I felt tears on my cheeks. I always thought that love only could soil the soul but when I experienced it, I understood that love ennoble.
I was ready to made a new step, I was ready for new life, without Ryo. For what I wasn’t ready? For my night visitor, for someone who came about four in the morning with bags, for someone who destroyed my new resolution.
“I decide. You think that you can accept me again?”
How could I not? In the end my doors were always opened for him.