(no subject)
Finals start tomorrow. Math 100 is the first sentence for torture, and i have that tomorrow at 1pm. Luckily, i only have one final a day until the 12th, and that's it. In truth, this semester was bad; i had so much shit going on in my life outside of college that i fucked up big time in college. i'm actually worried about failing. Part of that is due to the fact i developed this insanely intense fear of people... i do not like to be in public or any kind of social situation, and if i am forced to be i have a major anxiety attack and it really sucks. Reall, i think i have social anxiety disorder - i won't even go shopping anymore. The mall used to be fun, now i feel sick when i think about going and knowing all those people are there, and people are going to be looking at me... Not cool, and so not fun. Not to mention, i have been wicked depressed this semester. Last semester i got my weight down to 94 pounds, this semester it's been yo-yoing between 104 and 106. i feel like a disgusting fat cow, and i want to crawl in a hole and die just so no one can see how fat i've become, and so i don't have to see or feel it. i think i need to start losing weight again, desperately. 94 is the lowes safe weight for my height according to the chart in my doctors office, so i'm aiming for 90 - that should be good, and it should put me in at least a 2, hoping for a size 0. Anyway, that's one of my goals this summer, and to get some medication for this fucking social anxiety and depression - i hear Effexor is really good... Maybe i'll ask my doctor for it seeing as it treats both.
Now, on to different things, i've practically moved in with Kristy and Tony. I am there almost all the time. This week i stayed over on tuesday; i was supposed to go home last night, but we decided it was ok for me to stay right through until saturday - i'm not complaining. i love being there with them; we are just so close it's unbelievable. We talk about everything, watch some good shows on tv, listen to music, have fun, drink sometimes, and i love Ryan. He is the most gorgeous six month old baby ever, and he makes me want one of my own... in six years or so, lol. And then, there is Tony's cousin Chris. That situation is a little weird right now, but i'm sure we'll figure it all out. He calls me a lot, sees me a lot, and we've slept together (and i'm not bragging about that; in fact, i feel pretty guilty about it, and pretty bad so yeah...) It's all weird, and he needs to take me out to dinner like he told them he wanted to so we can call this a real relationship. i'm not doing the whole sex without a relationship deal. i really like him, and he gives all the signs that he likes me too, but he's taking his sweet ass time. Hello, move it buddy! i want to be able to say "this is my boyfriend, Chris." But i can't do that until he makes it official, and i don't have forever. If he's dicking me around i'd like to know sometime soon so i can cry about getting used and get over it. Really, why do relationships hav to be so damn difficult. Ugh.
Anyway, Friends finale tonight. Don't worry, Kristy and i already have our tissues ready. i'm going to bawl, and so is she. i mean, it's FRIENDS how can it be ending?! i can't wait to see if Ross and Rachel end up together. i know she's going to get on the plane with Emma, question is, is Ross going to follow her? He needs to chase her ass all the way to Paris because he loves her and come on it's ROSS AND RACHEL! They have to be together, end of story. This is going to kill me tonight, i'm getting all teary and goosepimply just thinking about it - yes i know, i am pathetic (but we've established that many times already).
Okay, i think i've rambled enough for now. Maybe i'll be back later, maybe not, it all depends on whether or not i go to Chris's house tonight. He wants me to go over.
Now, on to different things, i've practically moved in with Kristy and Tony. I am there almost all the time. This week i stayed over on tuesday; i was supposed to go home last night, but we decided it was ok for me to stay right through until saturday - i'm not complaining. i love being there with them; we are just so close it's unbelievable. We talk about everything, watch some good shows on tv, listen to music, have fun, drink sometimes, and i love Ryan. He is the most gorgeous six month old baby ever, and he makes me want one of my own... in six years or so, lol. And then, there is Tony's cousin Chris. That situation is a little weird right now, but i'm sure we'll figure it all out. He calls me a lot, sees me a lot, and we've slept together (and i'm not bragging about that; in fact, i feel pretty guilty about it, and pretty bad so yeah...) It's all weird, and he needs to take me out to dinner like he told them he wanted to so we can call this a real relationship. i'm not doing the whole sex without a relationship deal. i really like him, and he gives all the signs that he likes me too, but he's taking his sweet ass time. Hello, move it buddy! i want to be able to say "this is my boyfriend, Chris." But i can't do that until he makes it official, and i don't have forever. If he's dicking me around i'd like to know sometime soon so i can cry about getting used and get over it. Really, why do relationships hav to be so damn difficult. Ugh.
Anyway, Friends finale tonight. Don't worry, Kristy and i already have our tissues ready. i'm going to bawl, and so is she. i mean, it's FRIENDS how can it be ending?! i can't wait to see if Ross and Rachel end up together. i know she's going to get on the plane with Emma, question is, is Ross going to follow her? He needs to chase her ass all the way to Paris because he loves her and come on it's ROSS AND RACHEL! They have to be together, end of story. This is going to kill me tonight, i'm getting all teary and goosepimply just thinking about it - yes i know, i am pathetic (but we've established that many times already).
Okay, i think i've rambled enough for now. Maybe i'll be back later, maybe not, it all depends on whether or not i go to Chris's house tonight. He wants me to go over.