violation

May 04, 2004 18:16

i feel ill.
i feel upset.
i feel (somewhat) violated.
i still like him.
i still want to be with him.
i feel fucked up.

Tell me, do things ever get better? I mean, if what happened this weekend is as bad as some friends have told me it is, then i think i may just prefer crawling in a hole and dying. If what we (erin) talked about is true, and i mean really true, and he knew what he was doing - i don't think anyone could ever understand how disgusting that would make me feel, or how dirty, or how sick, or how betrayed... it kind of makes me feel like i should have had some kind of control, and if i didn't do something to make it seem like i wanted that.

i cannot entertain the possibility he would do that to me. if i did, i would feel very much like scrubbing my skin off, or just washing for days...

i feel confused.
i feel empty.
i feel like i want him to hold me.
i feel like he needs to tell me what happened.
i feel like (if it happened) it was my fault.
i feel i should have known what i said/did that night.

i feel... numb.
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