Empathetic
I recently talked to a friend going through some marriage difficulties and a trial separation from her husband. Hearing what they're going through sort of feels like a dip into ice water. Pieces of memory float back, snippets of conversation resurfacing. That wasn't that long ago.
It's no secret that Husband and I haven't had the easiest marriage from the beginning. I think that's just the natural result of two people trying to learn to find a place together when they each feel like they belong elsewhere. We've each had to learn how to create a place that's for both of us, and we've had to learn and re-learn how to negotiate atypical living situations. We also had to finish growing up, and learn to grow together, and commit and re-commit ourselves to being together.
I remember what it feels like to be constantly together yet completely alone. I've spent countless sleepless nights, wracked with anxiety and guilt about what should I do? What would our families think? Would I regret it? What's wrong with me that I can't love or appreciate him like I should? I have purposefully cut myself off from him, estranged myself, spent months of time in my head, feeling completely crazy. I moved us across the country and forced myself to just be with him and few others but him for weeks, if it meant finally learning how to be together. I have looked for an answer everywhere, with everyone. I've bitten my tongue and choked back more hurtful words than I feel proud to even think, and I've let myself scream them all aloud in an absolute torrent of poison and anguish until I was finally, finally empty.
And at the end of it all, he asked me what other obscenities I'd like to scream at him. Courage, compassion, blamelessness. I hope they give each other the same.
It's no secret that Husband and I haven't had the easiest marriage from the beginning. I think that's just the natural result of two people trying to learn to find a place together when they each feel like they belong elsewhere. We've each had to learn how to create a place that's for both of us, and we've had to learn and re-learn how to negotiate atypical living situations. We also had to finish growing up, and learn to grow together, and commit and re-commit ourselves to being together.
I remember what it feels like to be constantly together yet completely alone. I've spent countless sleepless nights, wracked with anxiety and guilt about what should I do? What would our families think? Would I regret it? What's wrong with me that I can't love or appreciate him like I should? I have purposefully cut myself off from him, estranged myself, spent months of time in my head, feeling completely crazy. I moved us across the country and forced myself to just be with him and few others but him for weeks, if it meant finally learning how to be together. I have looked for an answer everywhere, with everyone. I've bitten my tongue and choked back more hurtful words than I feel proud to even think, and I've let myself scream them all aloud in an absolute torrent of poison and anguish until I was finally, finally empty.
And at the end of it all, he asked me what other obscenities I'd like to scream at him. Courage, compassion, blamelessness. I hope they give each other the same.