(no subject)
well im sick AGAIN, i feel i dont need to say how much it sucks and how i feel about it. Blast from the past again....gosh...i just dont know how to deal with all this, ok so ya, i think not, i wont go back to him....how could i after everything, is he stupid thinking i would??? geez...thats kinda mean, but we arent even friends, so no, there can be nothing. I doubt he has changed that much, when he figs out what he wants then he can talk to me, but until then i dont want to hear the lies and the bullshit he feeds me...i wont ever go back to that, never.....
hmmm jason....well i think he is oh so wonderful and such but things are just so busy right now for both of us that i think that "relationships" are on the backburner right now...lol i dont mind that much...it bothers me a bit, but thats only cuz he seems for real...and i would love to explore that. But i understand that other things have to come first...(smiles) oh well.....
Tim....he is over this whole "i really like you" thing....not that i ever really thought that he really liked me anyway...i've learned never think too much into things or get my hopes up with stuff like that...but it doesnt matter, he is a kool friend, ive always thought that, and yes i will miss the whole him dotting on me...who wouldnt, some really nice guy who all your friends tell you is drop dead sexy tells you how pretty and wonderful and great and how much he really likes you....ya...no one can tell me that they wouldnt be flattered...lol he sent me at least three texts a day...just to say hi, or goodnight, or hope your day is going well.....ya....he is a very nice guy...but because of jason i never thought much into "what could have been"....
going back to chris...I will always love him, duh you always will love your first love, they will always hold a place in your heart, but i cant do anything about what he wants, i refuse too. He at least told me that he loved me....the first straight answer that i've gotten from him in how long....lol. For that im grateful, i know where i stand and where he stands....he says that its a dream tho, and a hope...he has commitment phobia...sigh...which i think is why things went so bad,...ok me analyzing this.......he loved me and wanted to be with me but was afraid that i would leave just like everyone else in his life, it was too easy, i was too easy-in that i mean i gave my love so quick, so completely, fully....he never felt unloved by me, or unwanted, i made him feel like he was the most hansome guy, the most wonderful, i gave all that i had...that scared him, friends never there for him, parents never there for him, anything that seemed good or stable he had to work for so hard....and then i who was so easy...it scared him, he couldnt trust completely or believe, ................hm...to live in that fear of rejection...how sad, afraid to get too close...wow...hmmm......now he looks back and thinks "wow that was really good, i want that again...all my relationships arent working...i want that again" but i however am not ready to be tossed around like a rag doll-here when he wants me and sets me aside when he doesnt....so I am going to be difficult this time....not like the others...i wont ever treat him like they did, hurt him...destroy everything good in him...abuse him...but i wont give fully, i wont give at all in fact untill he proves that he is different, i wont be the tower of strength i wont take the pain, the worries, i wont take any of it anymore. I'm done being a chia pet...(smiles) i wont be ignored. So if he want my friendship fine, if not fine, i wont lose any sleep over it...i finally (took me long enough) am ok with how things are, with how things ended...so either way it doesnt matter to me. I can look at the past now and think many things, feel many things, but it doesnt rule me like it did. I told him if he wanted to prove me wrong....prove that he does want to be in my life....i cant even imagine what that would mean if he does....he asked if i would ever take him back....well i can answer for sure at this point no, but at this point i dont see him changeing, i dont see him wanting anything but affection from someone....possibly to manipulate someone...i wont be the puppet. I think he is just lonely that this "feeling" this "mission" will pass...that he will leave again, get lazy, back out, what ever he does...and i will once more be with out him, lol so ya, i dont care what he does, and i wont let it bother me, how can i.....thinking with my heart and with my head my answer is no. How can it be anything different? And it will remain no for quite sometime, i can guarantee that.
My throat hurts way too much, im so sick of being sick...gosh...but at least now my mind is clear to sleep....*yawn which is what i think i will do here pretty quick.
hmmm jason....well i think he is oh so wonderful and such but things are just so busy right now for both of us that i think that "relationships" are on the backburner right now...lol i dont mind that much...it bothers me a bit, but thats only cuz he seems for real...and i would love to explore that. But i understand that other things have to come first...(smiles) oh well.....
Tim....he is over this whole "i really like you" thing....not that i ever really thought that he really liked me anyway...i've learned never think too much into things or get my hopes up with stuff like that...but it doesnt matter, he is a kool friend, ive always thought that, and yes i will miss the whole him dotting on me...who wouldnt, some really nice guy who all your friends tell you is drop dead sexy tells you how pretty and wonderful and great and how much he really likes you....ya...no one can tell me that they wouldnt be flattered...lol he sent me at least three texts a day...just to say hi, or goodnight, or hope your day is going well.....ya....he is a very nice guy...but because of jason i never thought much into "what could have been"....
going back to chris...I will always love him, duh you always will love your first love, they will always hold a place in your heart, but i cant do anything about what he wants, i refuse too. He at least told me that he loved me....the first straight answer that i've gotten from him in how long....lol. For that im grateful, i know where i stand and where he stands....he says that its a dream tho, and a hope...he has commitment phobia...sigh...which i think is why things went so bad,...ok me analyzing this.......he loved me and wanted to be with me but was afraid that i would leave just like everyone else in his life, it was too easy, i was too easy-in that i mean i gave my love so quick, so completely, fully....he never felt unloved by me, or unwanted, i made him feel like he was the most hansome guy, the most wonderful, i gave all that i had...that scared him, friends never there for him, parents never there for him, anything that seemed good or stable he had to work for so hard....and then i who was so easy...it scared him, he couldnt trust completely or believe, ................hm...to live in that fear of rejection...how sad, afraid to get too close...wow...hmmm......now he looks back and thinks "wow that was really good, i want that again...all my relationships arent working...i want that again" but i however am not ready to be tossed around like a rag doll-here when he wants me and sets me aside when he doesnt....so I am going to be difficult this time....not like the others...i wont ever treat him like they did, hurt him...destroy everything good in him...abuse him...but i wont give fully, i wont give at all in fact untill he proves that he is different, i wont be the tower of strength i wont take the pain, the worries, i wont take any of it anymore. I'm done being a chia pet...(smiles) i wont be ignored. So if he want my friendship fine, if not fine, i wont lose any sleep over it...i finally (took me long enough) am ok with how things are, with how things ended...so either way it doesnt matter to me. I can look at the past now and think many things, feel many things, but it doesnt rule me like it did. I told him if he wanted to prove me wrong....prove that he does want to be in my life....i cant even imagine what that would mean if he does....he asked if i would ever take him back....well i can answer for sure at this point no, but at this point i dont see him changeing, i dont see him wanting anything but affection from someone....possibly to manipulate someone...i wont be the puppet. I think he is just lonely that this "feeling" this "mission" will pass...that he will leave again, get lazy, back out, what ever he does...and i will once more be with out him, lol so ya, i dont care what he does, and i wont let it bother me, how can i.....thinking with my heart and with my head my answer is no. How can it be anything different? And it will remain no for quite sometime, i can guarantee that.
My throat hurts way too much, im so sick of being sick...gosh...but at least now my mind is clear to sleep....*yawn which is what i think i will do here pretty quick.