Everything means nothing to me

[orgasmicbliss]

I love Elliott Smith, even if he is dead he is was an amazing artist, go listen to him now. He sang the song in "Royal Tenenbaums" that plays when Luke Wilson's character is slitting his wrists, I love that song, I love that scene, I love life right now. That's not something I say often, but I do, I'm completely content with everything in my life except for my appearance, I still think I'm fat and unattractive. Mreh. But, hey, I have a hot boyfriend, I have hot friends who are fun and amazing and know how to cheer me up, I'm going to school, probably could be doing better, but at least I'm trying, and I'm going to start going to the gym a lot more. I went last night after my exhausting monday, and I'm going to go tonight and hopefully just everyday this week. I want to look like I used to, I was fucking hotter than life, and not as fat. I want a cute tummy. I want people to look at me and say "wow, she's hot" complete strangers preferably, not just my friends who sit there and tell me I'm pretty and not fat, when they say it it seems forced and too much like they're just trying to get me to be happier. Am I too self-centered right now, too vain? This seems much more vain than normal me, or maybe I'm just paranoid because I never want anyone to think that of me, because I'm really not, or am I. Crap.

I love him so much I want to be with him forever and get married and have cute kids and lots of cute pets with him Does that make me crazy? Is it ever going to happen, I hate waiting.