downward spiral

[orangez14]

everything right now is a mess
and these are the times when you have to rely on yourself
bc only i can make me feel okay

but it does help when i sleep at leseans
i can actually sleep
and it does help that alot of ppl want to beat the shit out of the guy
and it if that guy thought he killed me.. and lesean acted heart broken
i hope it eats that guy up
but i know he wont care.
how can you care about anything when you do shit like that.

i went out with my friend brad tues night
and that guy, who's a bartender at Fatty's was there
now i thought this person was cool
he was my bartender on my 21st
he knew the situation between lesean and i
he knew im still crazy about him

so he makes me and brad a shot
candy necklace is what it's called
and then he said he had to go back in the back to talk to his boss
so the bartender goes back in the back for like 5 mins and then makes me and brad another shot
i didnt watch him
neither did brad
i mean.. he's a bartender.. i was sitting in front of him while he was doing it..
but damn... can't trust anyone i guess

after mins of taking that shot
i have no idea what happened
the rest of the night is filled in for me
and i feel horrible
i feel like a peice of me is destroyed
but i know better than that
i'm better than this.

i just can't believe..
omg i can't believe this.

i dont know what to do.
i try not to think about it.
what happened, happened.
except it.

i just can't believe it.