(no subject)
i'm trying to be completely level headed about all of this. about jonathan -- to be really smart and mature (because contrary to popular belief, i'm both! gee whiz, kids), because i need to be. i have to be. i can't just let my emotions get the best of me, and totally take over. that'd lead to absolute disaster, almost.
but i just can't forget about all the emotion stuff. i mean - he's absolutely amazing, and i have yet to find something i dislike about him (though, i keep hearing that'll change soon & blah blah). i love love LOVE his company, and he makes me happy. he can look at me with this look in his eyes and make me feel so beautiful. he cares, and i can tell through his actions & the way he says things. he respects me, and other people have noticed it too. i can't put into words how he makes me feel, and how much i absolutely adore him. i adore everything about him, and he makes me so happy. he makes me want to strive to be a better person, to do what's right... and i know you're thinking, "crap lauren, it's just a crush", but it's more than that. he really means the world to me.
tonight, earlier, on the phone, we were joking around & i said something like, "haha, well, aren't we just a big lovefest, huh?" & he laughed & goes, "well, apparently - i think that's the problem". i replied,"huh? what do you mean by that?" & he goes, "well... i'll be okay. i just have to... eliminate". and i TOTALLY KNOW WHAT HE MEANT BY THAT. he has to eliminate, so to speak, a girl or something. i don't know. i mean, i know that he likes me, plus anna and maybe jenna, but i don't know if he knows that i know.
gahhhh. i know it sounds confusing. that'd be because hey, it is, but i'm really trying to be mature about this. i've been praying about it, and mom & i have been busy, putzing around town & stuff, so my mind hasn't really had a chance to sit & think about all of this. well, until now, i guess. part of me, though, realizes that it's not fair to me, what he's doing... holding my hand, cuddling, holding me, kissing me on the cheek -- when he also likes other girls. i know it's not fair... not fair to either of us, really. on the other hand, i do understand that he's in a really hard situation.. not knowing what to do.
i want to tell him so many things - but in person, not over the phone. so i'm hoping when i get back home, i'll have a good chance to bring it up (or maybe he will), and we can just discuss it & be honest. i want to tell him that i support him, no matter what he decides to do. because... i do. i really do. i'm not upset or angry at all, & i definitely hope he doesn't think i am (or will be). if nothing happens with us, of course i'll be disappointed, but i'll get over it & i'll be a stronger person because of it. if he's happy - then that's all that really matters. first & foremost, he's one of my really, really good friends, and we get along so well. so, of course i want his happiness. & if that happiness is with me, then man, rock the hey on.
i don't know... i just don't know. i'm completely open to being with him, even though i know i'll be an hour away. but an hour REALLY isn't bad at all. i mean, for us to hang out like we do now, it's at least 25-30 miles from his house. he does it all the time, so he's used to it. he is absolutely worth it -- going through what i know would be some hard times being apart. but i know that i can't let myself think like that. thoughts like this lead to getting my hopes up, which leads to possible hurt. which... sucks a lot of ass.
anyway. i just wanted to type out some of my thoughts & feelings right now. this is what's been weighing on me.
but i just can't forget about all the emotion stuff. i mean - he's absolutely amazing, and i have yet to find something i dislike about him (though, i keep hearing that'll change soon & blah blah). i love love LOVE his company, and he makes me happy. he can look at me with this look in his eyes and make me feel so beautiful. he cares, and i can tell through his actions & the way he says things. he respects me, and other people have noticed it too. i can't put into words how he makes me feel, and how much i absolutely adore him. i adore everything about him, and he makes me so happy. he makes me want to strive to be a better person, to do what's right... and i know you're thinking, "crap lauren, it's just a crush", but it's more than that. he really means the world to me.
tonight, earlier, on the phone, we were joking around & i said something like, "haha, well, aren't we just a big lovefest, huh?" & he laughed & goes, "well, apparently - i think that's the problem". i replied,"huh? what do you mean by that?" & he goes, "well... i'll be okay. i just have to... eliminate". and i TOTALLY KNOW WHAT HE MEANT BY THAT. he has to eliminate, so to speak, a girl or something. i don't know. i mean, i know that he likes me, plus anna and maybe jenna, but i don't know if he knows that i know.
gahhhh. i know it sounds confusing. that'd be because hey, it is, but i'm really trying to be mature about this. i've been praying about it, and mom & i have been busy, putzing around town & stuff, so my mind hasn't really had a chance to sit & think about all of this. well, until now, i guess. part of me, though, realizes that it's not fair to me, what he's doing... holding my hand, cuddling, holding me, kissing me on the cheek -- when he also likes other girls. i know it's not fair... not fair to either of us, really. on the other hand, i do understand that he's in a really hard situation.. not knowing what to do.
i want to tell him so many things - but in person, not over the phone. so i'm hoping when i get back home, i'll have a good chance to bring it up (or maybe he will), and we can just discuss it & be honest. i want to tell him that i support him, no matter what he decides to do. because... i do. i really do. i'm not upset or angry at all, & i definitely hope he doesn't think i am (or will be). if nothing happens with us, of course i'll be disappointed, but i'll get over it & i'll be a stronger person because of it. if he's happy - then that's all that really matters. first & foremost, he's one of my really, really good friends, and we get along so well. so, of course i want his happiness. & if that happiness is with me, then man, rock the hey on.
i don't know... i just don't know. i'm completely open to being with him, even though i know i'll be an hour away. but an hour REALLY isn't bad at all. i mean, for us to hang out like we do now, it's at least 25-30 miles from his house. he does it all the time, so he's used to it. he is absolutely worth it -- going through what i know would be some hard times being apart. but i know that i can't let myself think like that. thoughts like this lead to getting my hopes up, which leads to possible hurt. which... sucks a lot of ass.
anyway. i just wanted to type out some of my thoughts & feelings right now. this is what's been weighing on me.