OMG
Omg!!! I have so many frickin' things going through my mind and a zillion emotions all bundled up and I just want to explode. So, I'm up here in New York, which I thought would be fun, cuz I would get to see my friends and what not. However, we really couldn't hang out on thursday cuz of school on friday, and on friday, my friend had a dance, so I couldn't see her then. We are leaving tomorrow morning, so that gave me a small part of today to see her, and that time was taken up with a mall trip, which was fun, but then she just online.....and it was hard to feel like I cared, cuz I sorta did, but I don't know any of these people. I guess I'm just homesick, and apathetic, and sad. The hard part is that everyone was busy this weekend with first, which I understand, but the more I tried to talk to people, the busier they seemed to be. I know that people have a life, and maybe I just need to get one too, but I still felt left out and alone. I'm so confused as to how one of my friends feels that it's just pissing me off. I mean, are you here or are you there? Maybe I'm just being dumb, but could things be clarified for the stupid? Give me a break, I'm not wonderwoman. I just feel like this vacation was somewhat of a waste, and I don't want it to feel that way. I like coming up here, but not if I'm going to feel like this everytime. My mom is just pissing me off. She always talking about college and school and all that other crap that I'm already testy about. She keeps talking about the schools that I want to go to, but haven't gotten into yet. I've done a pretty good job at putting it out of my mind until it's time, but she and everyone else keeps bringing it up. I am thrilled that you guys are getting into schools, but each time someone brings up college, it just reminds me that I still have no where to go as of yet. I'm just here. I don't feel like me. I feel like I'm somewhere or someone else, just trudging through these horrendous days, cuz I have no other choice. And on top of everything, it's all about the money. I can't do anything because I have no money, and my family has no money. You know why I work? Not to get money so that I can spend it at college. No, I work so that I won't have as much debt when I leave. I'm tired of everything coming down to money and knowing people that don't have that problem cuz their parents have money. Life just sucks. Not that I have anything against them, I guess I'm just mad at my situation. I love my friends and wouldn't trade them for anything, not even money. I must be getting too many lemons and I'm not making lemonade fast enough. Bad things keep happening and I can't get enough good things to outweigh the bad yet. It's hard, cuz my sister has been losing like all this weight and my parents are sooooo concerned for her. Well, it feels like I've been doing the opposite: gaining weight. I don't feel happy with my body and I want to change, but the thing that I think will help me...guess what, costs money. Yeah, my friends tell me that I look fine and that I shouldn't worry, but my image is mine alone to deal with. I'm not going to go all anorexic or bulimic, but I want to lose some weight and get into shape. It doesn't seem that anyone takes me seriously. I won't be happy with myself until I achieve the changes that I want to make, and I guess I need some encouragement, and some money....lol. At the moment, you know what the best thing about this vacation was? Watching drawn together, cuz they had taped it and I had missed it. It was 30 minutes away from all my fears and anticipations and problems. But I can't let television take me away from reality, but sometimes facing it can be so hard. It feels like I didn't have anyone to talk to this week. Jess is off tanning her butt in Puerto Rico, which I'm happy that she's doing, but usually she can make me feel better, but she's not here to do that right now, so I just feel like crying, but I can't do that, cuz then everyone will freak out. They already think I've been grumpy all weekend, I don't need to give them any other reason to worry about me. I guess I just need a hug and someone to tell me that it'll all be okay soon enough.
Sorry to go on like that, but I've stepped a few feet away from the edge of having a small breakdown by writing this. I'm still upset and confused, but maybe I'll have a better handle on it until I get back to school on monday.
Sorry to go on like that, but I've stepped a few feet away from the edge of having a small breakdown by writing this. I'm still upset and confused, but maybe I'll have a better handle on it until I get back to school on monday.