An' the silent night will shatter
From the sounds inside my mind
Here's what I work on, that I think may be interesting enough to share with the public:
http://www.online-instagram.com/user/a_holymadness/1811420784 I spent the morning sleeping in, the afternoon working from home, the evening with food and wine and music. I have a deer pelt and 3 hoofed legs sitting in salt in the shed - my first at-home attempt at taxidermy (sin pigeon experiment, no. 1).
Working at home was relaxed. I sat on the front porch, following the sun as it crossed the sky, and trimmed pieces of plastic replicas of bone from a grey wolf. I'll be assembling it into a standing position eventually for sale. The porch is quaint and narrow and made of wood, overlooking the uphill driveway and property from my house. The wind was blowing strong enough to sweep away the microscopic plastic shavings all over me, but not cold enough to chill me. It has been so beautiful here these last two weeks - some days reaching 60F. The elevation has shifted my experience of light and color completely. This is a huge adjustment for me. Deeper than I can understand right now, as I am just living moment to moment trying to get by.
Emily called after I wrapped up work and before I knew it an hour and a half had gone by. This is the first time we've actually spoken in real time since the last day I left Guerneville - about a month! Going from daily contact for 5+ years to both of us living our lives separately and only texting here and there. It was good to talk with her. But of course. This journey of ours continues on! So many links and mirrors and bonds and pacts. Where will I go now without her directly by my side? A new chapter but the same themes continue, as they always have. Love.
Had the house to myself for most of the day which has been nice. Not that it's bad when Jason is around - despite our emotionally-fueled arguments over random, seemingly small things - I really love living with him so far. I respect his mind and am confused by it at the same time. But it can be a lot for me to be around one person (or people in general) for an extended amount of time before I start bursting at the seams. Today I had that alone time I cherish so much and which makes me Me. The Me no one else knows or sees, really. My favorite Me. The me who dances and sings in the dark and lives completely in a different dimension. Ya!
My "discounted" crate of wine finally came, after so many struggles with UPS and facing the reality of living remotely. So now I sit drinking my Arabella from South Africa and plan on sneaking out for a smoke soon. Jolie Holland plays, reminding me of my favorite memories. I'll probably never stop drinking or smoking or writing or remembering fondly. And that's just alright with me. In fact, it's perfection.
I've been thinking about my mom a lot. And how she hasn't called and how the dynamics had changed that last month when I was leaving Guerneville. And how alone she is and how I feel like she shut off some part of herself to me since then. I accept it, but it's... odd and a little uncomfortable to think about. I'm not sure where I stand with her, although I already know more than I would share with anyone. I want to be there for her, with her, but she won't allow it after a certain point. And I respect her too much to show her pity, so I don't. And now it's silent. I have so much to share with her... but don't quite know how to pick up the phone. I have an email going... that seems to never end and is never good enough to send.
Weird states.
I joined OKCupid again upon Jason's request, to see how matched we are according to objective algorithms and for playing around with the idea of us finding a guy to hook up with mutually. It's kind of fun to get that daily ego-boost from messages received and "likes" from guys and girls alike... but after a while it just feels so empty and sad. It's another reality that I find myself in as a woman - the one where no matter what you say or look like, men see a hole and want to find a way in. It doesn't offend me the way it used to when I was younger - you just kind of wear out and get jaded and wise to this fact, without emotion weighing you down into some sort of story-book fantasy. But it is interesting to see how each boy goes about the same game to reach the same goal. And how primarily different I am from this. My hole is an emotional, spiritual, mental hole, and theirs seems to always be physical. Some are far more creative than the rest - but it amounts to 1% of the population. When I was in my early 20s that discouraged me, made me resentful or frustrated; fueled sarcasm and this "tough shell" I implement against the world. But now it gives me some weird mature sense of hope and acceptance that I am unique and one and he who gets that will be seen as a bright light from miles away, as if these others never quite existed in the margins in the first place. Life is funny, how it changes you. And how you change your life.
There will be Many, but there are only a Few. I am so grateful I am continuing to recognize this. I am always taking notes on you!
Outside is a mysterious world. Every day it crosses my mind I will find a wolf or bear on my porch. Yesterday a pregnant mother doe stood not 10 feet from me, staring at me questioningly as I tried to feed her a clump of old cilantro. At night, I watch one glitter of light in the snow dissolving slowly into the shadows of time, as if my gaze alone erodes it, with only my eye able to hold its survival in my memory palace. I absolutely love living with seasons. The world around me changes as I do, and it is purely magical to be a part of.
Until next time, I wonder if I will be that soul who is always contemplating what is next, what is better, what makes me more whole and attuned to my fate up until that moment I take my last breath at 88, finally at peace with what all has been experienced.