(no subject)
It has been close to 3 years since my last entry.
For some reason, I continue to come back here.
Maybe it's the desperate, lonely need to be heard by someone out there, no matter how far away or foreign to me they may be.
Maybe it's pure self-indulgence.
My life has been an endless series of reflections - where and when it stops - I will never know until that moment comes. Until then, I am reminded of a quote I read the other night - "History does not repeat itself, but it does rhyme." Perfectly said. I feel this, always.
In 22 days I embark from my homestead of California, west-coast living to a new land, this wonderful new world called Colorado. I would like to blame the so-called "Saturn Return" for such a shift in my life at this particular point, but I would also like to admit it was this mythology that prompted me to take such a drastic leap in the first place.
Though it's really not so drastic. It just feels like it sometimes, as I've been in one town for such a long time and have almost forgotten what it's like to keep moving on.
I'll be moving in with a man. And a man, who, though resisting preconceived notions and societal labels, I am actually seeing, in a romantic sense. I will have a roof over my head again, after a year and eight months homeless. I will be trying to steady my income with a new job (I hate that word, so demeaning - let's say career), though I am nervous and untrained and have no idea what all it will really entail. I will be living in a new state, away from all friends and family, and living in the snow for the first few months of landing. On top of all this, I have just shy of 6 months left until I turn the big 30. Life is about to become very different for me.
And I am entirely open and excited.
Adventure suits me. It always has. It has always been better for me to leap than to stagnate, as I hope it would be for many, yet I rarely witness this. Perhaps I am too judgmental. (Shocker)
So here I am again, reopening a cold case in livejournal. Sitting with a cider at the coffee shop that was home for nearly 5 years (for better and for worse), alone in the dark, and content. Christmas is looming outside, awaiting its invitation into our lives and hovering slightly above the rooftops amidst the fireplace smoke and rainbow twinkle lights. I am happy at this moment. Or rather, content. That curious limbo space has been tapped into again, and surrounds my world, silently counting down the days until I depart.
I have spent so many days in this town frustrated. Not always because of others striking a chord, but because it has been so hard for me to rise above that, and feeling frustrated at how powerless I feel against myself. Today was better. Sally Swan and skater Jason came up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me how much they would miss me. It stunned me, these two people I am not close with, who apparently I have had some effect on. It blew me away. And totally made up for all those moments of feeling lost, isolated, angry, and unresolved.
Some nights I'd like to continue writing forever. Perhaps tonight I will just stop right here.
Until next time, stay real, you big crazy world wide web.
For some reason, I continue to come back here.
Maybe it's the desperate, lonely need to be heard by someone out there, no matter how far away or foreign to me they may be.
Maybe it's pure self-indulgence.
My life has been an endless series of reflections - where and when it stops - I will never know until that moment comes. Until then, I am reminded of a quote I read the other night - "History does not repeat itself, but it does rhyme." Perfectly said. I feel this, always.
In 22 days I embark from my homestead of California, west-coast living to a new land, this wonderful new world called Colorado. I would like to blame the so-called "Saturn Return" for such a shift in my life at this particular point, but I would also like to admit it was this mythology that prompted me to take such a drastic leap in the first place.
Though it's really not so drastic. It just feels like it sometimes, as I've been in one town for such a long time and have almost forgotten what it's like to keep moving on.
I'll be moving in with a man. And a man, who, though resisting preconceived notions and societal labels, I am actually seeing, in a romantic sense. I will have a roof over my head again, after a year and eight months homeless. I will be trying to steady my income with a new job (I hate that word, so demeaning - let's say career), though I am nervous and untrained and have no idea what all it will really entail. I will be living in a new state, away from all friends and family, and living in the snow for the first few months of landing. On top of all this, I have just shy of 6 months left until I turn the big 30. Life is about to become very different for me.
And I am entirely open and excited.
Adventure suits me. It always has. It has always been better for me to leap than to stagnate, as I hope it would be for many, yet I rarely witness this. Perhaps I am too judgmental. (Shocker)
So here I am again, reopening a cold case in livejournal. Sitting with a cider at the coffee shop that was home for nearly 5 years (for better and for worse), alone in the dark, and content. Christmas is looming outside, awaiting its invitation into our lives and hovering slightly above the rooftops amidst the fireplace smoke and rainbow twinkle lights. I am happy at this moment. Or rather, content. That curious limbo space has been tapped into again, and surrounds my world, silently counting down the days until I depart.
I have spent so many days in this town frustrated. Not always because of others striking a chord, but because it has been so hard for me to rise above that, and feeling frustrated at how powerless I feel against myself. Today was better. Sally Swan and skater Jason came up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me how much they would miss me. It stunned me, these two people I am not close with, who apparently I have had some effect on. It blew me away. And totally made up for all those moments of feeling lost, isolated, angry, and unresolved.
Some nights I'd like to continue writing forever. Perhaps tonight I will just stop right here.
Until next time, stay real, you big crazy world wide web.