(no subject)
Gaaahh I am so out of it today! Damn you, Roadhouse, for being so awesome! Music and food and wine and dancing. I went to get pizza and read my new book for a while, not realizing it was Saturday night and hello music plays there on Saturdays so I stayed to check it out and ohhh my god oh my god! The band blew me away! I was the youngest one there of course, it seems to be a trend in my life. I hardly mind, though - it leads to great conversations and older people are more approachable and relaxed as a whole, anyway. The band was led by Levi, this black-man guitarist I've heard a lot about but never got a chance to see. I have to say black man because in Guerneville you have to make these distinctions I guess. There are so few of them here, no wonder this place is overrun by crazy white people. No black people to put them in their place, dammit! (Sometimes I really do miss LA) Anyway, the music was amazing, and when I went outside to chill for a set break, the drummer approached me and then so did the keyboardist. They both asked me the same question, "So what book are you reading?" and I became awkwardly aware that other people notice I'm the loner girl who reads at bars but they were really nice and both exiled from So-cal like me and avid readers (!!) so we actually had a lot to talk about. Steve and Adam. Steve had been playing with the band for 20 years!! It's weird when people have been committed to the same thing for almost as long as my entire life. I wonder if I'll ever be able to say something like that. Probably not, I'm not really the committed type, apparently. Although my mom says that will fade along with the fade of my twenties into my thirties. Anyway I was reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance which for some reason I have not read yet but wowww it's good so far. Totally my type. Thank you, book magic, for always having my back. Books come to me when I need them, at the right place and the right time, since as long as I can remember. This one came to me via Paul - he died two weeks ago and Rob has been bringing some of his stuff to the shop for people to claim and one trip happened to be a box full of books. Free books!! One of my favorite things in the world. After the two of them went back inside to play round two, I got stoned in my car and danced all over the place and got lost in my own little world. My favorite pastime! Three different people asked me if I was with the band and seemed to want to engage because of it. One lady thought the keyboardist was my boyfriend! I guess I was putting out that vibe or they saw me talking to them or something and just assumed. This drunk chick in the bathroom said I'm sexy dancer and that felt kind of cool even though I'm pretty sure she was seeing two of me and confused me with someone else. But whatever, it was a good night since it was all so unexpected and I went home and danced to Led Zeppelin a bit and drew on my legs and went to bed.
Yesterday morning was crap though, total crap. I woke up in a nervous state, my whole body was shaking and my heart was thumping so hard I thought it might actually stop. I laid on the floor in tears having a total mental breakdown (again) and screaming at the voices to just shut the fuck up! Finally after a few hours I mustered up the energy to take a hot shower and then head out to the beach. Hung out at Goat Rock for about four hours playing with rocks, taking pictures, writing, reading out loud. It's always just what I need, being outside with no one around, doing my own thing without time chasing me down and telling me what I should do and how I should do it. I really am NOT a people person even though I try to and the only reason I try is because something tells me I should at least try before I eliminate it from my life. But guess what, I am a horrible faker! That's not true, I can fake my way into things so well sometimes I actually make it true, but when it comes to being a "nice, well-adjusted, happy" people person, I usually fail miserably. I can be a reeeaally dark cloud most days at work. Part of the reason I guess is because it's hard for me to respect most of the people I deal with on a daily basis. When you get to watch people's routines day in and day out, it takes the thrill out of life and love and makes you see everything for what it really is. And what really is can be far more demonic than heavenly. It all really gets to me. I wish I was around people with some sort of... gusto... people who DO things with their lives, not just sit around and get stoned and talk about getting stoned and babble about the same small dramas day in.. day out... hey at least I do it in the livejournal hah...this shop is a magnet for the underbelly. And it's taking it's toll on me!
You should see my eyes right now, they look like I've been punched in the face or something. I haven't been this tired in a long time. I guess that's what happens on days when you have a nervous breakdown and then feel better and go dancing past your bedtime. I normally would be able to ignore it but the thing about coming to this place I work is that eeeverryoonne comments on you when you look like shit. And when you look good they try to take you down a notch. It's very much like a high school for retards. But that's ok, I'm getting out of this place soon! Not sure where I'm headed next, I have a few leads, but this life right here won't last for much longer. I'm too restless of a soul to stay in one place very long. I'm not sure if it's an inherent character trait or if it's due to the fact my parents moved me around schools so much at a young age, but whatever it is, it stuck. Or maybe it's because I'm a bird underneath this human suit! I also should leave soon since I think it's pretty obvious how un-involved I have become here and people serving the public should be happy-go-lucky I guess. Emily has it down, but she was also a people person in high school and I never was and it's just not for me. None of this is mine, I'm sick of working for others as usual. Sick of working, period. In the mean time I'm trying to learn from my misery and make the best of things. I used to say "if I knew then what I know now, I would have OWNED high school", which is true, if I went back to high school as me now, I would have opened my mouth a lot more and spoke my mind and taken a few people down a notch. I wouldn't have taken it so seriously maybe. Had a little fun with it all. So, that's what I plan on doing now. In ten years I'll look back on the Guerneville time and wonder why I didn't just go crazy and be myself more. If I can look through the present with those time travel goggles, I'll be a lot happier here. It will be fun to piss a bunch of people off. I guess that's who I am deep underneath. There is sooo much I don't say on a daily basis and it never gets me anywhere, being quiet, I just simmer in my own comments and it turns into hatred and no one really knows who I am because of it. So maybe I need to start saying it and embrace the judgmental bitch that I am. It will be fun to make more enemies since I can't foresee any good coming out of it as far as other people are concerned. Sure I'll feel good, but apparently my pattern is that when I feel good, others aren't happy about it. I opened my mouth at home when I was younger and look what happened!
This chick bought me a drink last night after engaging me (about my book again - I guess this is a conversation starter now even though it should be common courtesy not to interrupt someone who is reading) and I think she was coming on to me, which made me weird and closed off at first but later had me intrigued (that's alcohol for ya). She's not my "type" but hey, one of these days I'm going to have to try the pussy, so I really shouldn't get too picky maybe. Just pick one and go for it and try not to laugh my ass off when we're naked and trying to do stuff together. My mom said that's what happened when she went lesbian for a night - she figured it was an experience she needed to have, but when the clothes came off and the girl started going at her, she started laughing hysterically and couldn't go through with it. I figure that will probably happen to me, too. My mom and I have a lot of weird stuff in common.
Uhmmm what else what else. It's so early here at work, there are never any customers at this hour so all of my thoughts come spilling out of me so easily. Two nights ago was a SHIT night, which is probably what led to my breakdown the following morning. I wrote a long passage about it but the computer died and didn't save any of it, which is probably for the best since it was one of the most venomous things I've ever had the guts to write about. I had gone out to Stumptown and... well, I don't need to go into the details, but it was a weird night there and I was being a fucking loser. I left in a huff and walked through town in the cold dark night trying to forget my lameness and have a good time. I stopped in at the Bullpen for a minute and saw Frank sulking in a corner and thought "NOPE" and walked out. I was bumming a cigarette off of this moronic white boy whose slang I could barely understand and then that limpy chick Jen walked up and I thought "ooohh isn't this just perfect!" The two times I happen to see Frank out in public since it all went down, he's been with two different girls. Which I actually have no feelings about whatsoever, it's just very telling to me, since HE was accusing ME of "slutting it up" in San Francisco for New Year's Even and "wanting to fuck other guys" as a reason to break up. Of course, once again, the man is incapable of listening since neither have happened nor do I want it to, which is what I've said over and over and over again. I get tired of hearing myself say the same thing to deaf ears. Let people believe whatever craziness they want to believe! Not my problem! I've learned from experience that when someone is being paranoid and assuming you're doing something your not, it's their guilt coming out; they're projecting their shit onto you. It's backwards but it happens. I've done it, everyone's done it. Look at your shit! That's what that means. Ok so Bullpen is officially off limits for me now. I can't say I'm bummed in the least, that place is the gutter anyhow.
Anyway so yeah I've been drinking a lot lately obviously. Blah blah blah it's fun writing in here about my excursions again. Maybe this year I won't be as unhappy as last year. Summer will be better, it always is. I get really mean and hateful when I'm cold.
Goodbye!
Yesterday morning was crap though, total crap. I woke up in a nervous state, my whole body was shaking and my heart was thumping so hard I thought it might actually stop. I laid on the floor in tears having a total mental breakdown (again) and screaming at the voices to just shut the fuck up! Finally after a few hours I mustered up the energy to take a hot shower and then head out to the beach. Hung out at Goat Rock for about four hours playing with rocks, taking pictures, writing, reading out loud. It's always just what I need, being outside with no one around, doing my own thing without time chasing me down and telling me what I should do and how I should do it. I really am NOT a people person even though I try to and the only reason I try is because something tells me I should at least try before I eliminate it from my life. But guess what, I am a horrible faker! That's not true, I can fake my way into things so well sometimes I actually make it true, but when it comes to being a "nice, well-adjusted, happy" people person, I usually fail miserably. I can be a reeeaally dark cloud most days at work. Part of the reason I guess is because it's hard for me to respect most of the people I deal with on a daily basis. When you get to watch people's routines day in and day out, it takes the thrill out of life and love and makes you see everything for what it really is. And what really is can be far more demonic than heavenly. It all really gets to me. I wish I was around people with some sort of... gusto... people who DO things with their lives, not just sit around and get stoned and talk about getting stoned and babble about the same small dramas day in.. day out... hey at least I do it in the livejournal hah...this shop is a magnet for the underbelly. And it's taking it's toll on me!
You should see my eyes right now, they look like I've been punched in the face or something. I haven't been this tired in a long time. I guess that's what happens on days when you have a nervous breakdown and then feel better and go dancing past your bedtime. I normally would be able to ignore it but the thing about coming to this place I work is that eeeverryoonne comments on you when you look like shit. And when you look good they try to take you down a notch. It's very much like a high school for retards. But that's ok, I'm getting out of this place soon! Not sure where I'm headed next, I have a few leads, but this life right here won't last for much longer. I'm too restless of a soul to stay in one place very long. I'm not sure if it's an inherent character trait or if it's due to the fact my parents moved me around schools so much at a young age, but whatever it is, it stuck. Or maybe it's because I'm a bird underneath this human suit! I also should leave soon since I think it's pretty obvious how un-involved I have become here and people serving the public should be happy-go-lucky I guess. Emily has it down, but she was also a people person in high school and I never was and it's just not for me. None of this is mine, I'm sick of working for others as usual. Sick of working, period. In the mean time I'm trying to learn from my misery and make the best of things. I used to say "if I knew then what I know now, I would have OWNED high school", which is true, if I went back to high school as me now, I would have opened my mouth a lot more and spoke my mind and taken a few people down a notch. I wouldn't have taken it so seriously maybe. Had a little fun with it all. So, that's what I plan on doing now. In ten years I'll look back on the Guerneville time and wonder why I didn't just go crazy and be myself more. If I can look through the present with those time travel goggles, I'll be a lot happier here. It will be fun to piss a bunch of people off. I guess that's who I am deep underneath. There is sooo much I don't say on a daily basis and it never gets me anywhere, being quiet, I just simmer in my own comments and it turns into hatred and no one really knows who I am because of it. So maybe I need to start saying it and embrace the judgmental bitch that I am. It will be fun to make more enemies since I can't foresee any good coming out of it as far as other people are concerned. Sure I'll feel good, but apparently my pattern is that when I feel good, others aren't happy about it. I opened my mouth at home when I was younger and look what happened!
This chick bought me a drink last night after engaging me (about my book again - I guess this is a conversation starter now even though it should be common courtesy not to interrupt someone who is reading) and I think she was coming on to me, which made me weird and closed off at first but later had me intrigued (that's alcohol for ya). She's not my "type" but hey, one of these days I'm going to have to try the pussy, so I really shouldn't get too picky maybe. Just pick one and go for it and try not to laugh my ass off when we're naked and trying to do stuff together. My mom said that's what happened when she went lesbian for a night - she figured it was an experience she needed to have, but when the clothes came off and the girl started going at her, she started laughing hysterically and couldn't go through with it. I figure that will probably happen to me, too. My mom and I have a lot of weird stuff in common.
Uhmmm what else what else. It's so early here at work, there are never any customers at this hour so all of my thoughts come spilling out of me so easily. Two nights ago was a SHIT night, which is probably what led to my breakdown the following morning. I wrote a long passage about it but the computer died and didn't save any of it, which is probably for the best since it was one of the most venomous things I've ever had the guts to write about. I had gone out to Stumptown and... well, I don't need to go into the details, but it was a weird night there and I was being a fucking loser. I left in a huff and walked through town in the cold dark night trying to forget my lameness and have a good time. I stopped in at the Bullpen for a minute and saw Frank sulking in a corner and thought "NOPE" and walked out. I was bumming a cigarette off of this moronic white boy whose slang I could barely understand and then that limpy chick Jen walked up and I thought "ooohh isn't this just perfect!" The two times I happen to see Frank out in public since it all went down, he's been with two different girls. Which I actually have no feelings about whatsoever, it's just very telling to me, since HE was accusing ME of "slutting it up" in San Francisco for New Year's Even and "wanting to fuck other guys" as a reason to break up. Of course, once again, the man is incapable of listening since neither have happened nor do I want it to, which is what I've said over and over and over again. I get tired of hearing myself say the same thing to deaf ears. Let people believe whatever craziness they want to believe! Not my problem! I've learned from experience that when someone is being paranoid and assuming you're doing something your not, it's their guilt coming out; they're projecting their shit onto you. It's backwards but it happens. I've done it, everyone's done it. Look at your shit! That's what that means. Ok so Bullpen is officially off limits for me now. I can't say I'm bummed in the least, that place is the gutter anyhow.
Anyway so yeah I've been drinking a lot lately obviously. Blah blah blah it's fun writing in here about my excursions again. Maybe this year I won't be as unhappy as last year. Summer will be better, it always is. I get really mean and hateful when I'm cold.
Goodbye!