keeping up appearances
well, you might agree with what im about to say. you might not. you might finish this and wonder about whether i really have an yself-confidence at all, and i dont know if i can answer that for you, because i ho nestly dont know anymore.
i always have had a specific self-image in group situations. it kinda goes like this:
the rest of the group is much cooler, much funnier, much more popular, much better, much more creative, much more 'in', much more bearabkle than i am. now, i'm not a pity-cause (thats a little too extreme for me), but i'm not quite up to the same level as all my friends. because of this, i feel like i'm intruding alot, like no one actually wants me around, like im useful because i have a car, like im not actually part of the group, like they will judge me, like im an embarrasment, and like i need to watch carefully what i say / do in order for me to fit in, because i dont want to be 'out' of the group. i want to be 'in'.
in order to be 'in' i become like them. i will act like them, speak like them, be like them, because i want to be part of them.
over the last few days, i had some interesting experiences that have changed my perspectuve.
only read on if you care, beause if you dont, then i dont care that you dont. i'm kinda 'whatever, you're opinion won't change me' at the moment.
i have some new friends. i love them with all my heart. there are 5 of us: James, Sophie, Steph, Richie, and myself.
I thought they were better than me, blah blah blah, but on Friday i got to service and James had saved me a seat next to him. sounds stupid, 'wow, who cares', but every week i am the one who is asking poeple if i can sit with them, and for once, someone not only wanted me to sit with them, but wasn't going to take no for an answer. now dont think im the Church freak, i have heaps of friends, but no one ever saves me a seat unles i ask them to.
i realised on Fridat that they want me to sit with them
I realised today after having a few conversations that i am acually the one planning things for the group, working out the logistics, and putting it into action.
i realised today (after a phone call) that they actually want to hang out with me, and like having me around.
i realised today that i dont have to change myself to make anyone else happy.
i realised today that while i tried so hard to fit in, i didnt even need to try.
i realised today that i as just as good as them
i realised today that it doesnt even matter whos better anyway, because what is 'better'?
i realised today that i can try my hardest, and not everyone will like me.
i realised today that i can be the one who starts the new trend...
...heck, it's already started...
... it's called 'love'.
you can think whatever you want about this, i dont need to please you. in my heart, i am peaceful...
do i think i can believe this forever? no. in a few weeks i will be as self-conscious and doubtful as last week, but for this next few weeks, i will savour it, and pray with all my might that just some of this will stick...
...because without that bit, i'm nothing.
i always have had a specific self-image in group situations. it kinda goes like this:
the rest of the group is much cooler, much funnier, much more popular, much better, much more creative, much more 'in', much more bearabkle than i am. now, i'm not a pity-cause (thats a little too extreme for me), but i'm not quite up to the same level as all my friends. because of this, i feel like i'm intruding alot, like no one actually wants me around, like im useful because i have a car, like im not actually part of the group, like they will judge me, like im an embarrasment, and like i need to watch carefully what i say / do in order for me to fit in, because i dont want to be 'out' of the group. i want to be 'in'.
in order to be 'in' i become like them. i will act like them, speak like them, be like them, because i want to be part of them.
over the last few days, i had some interesting experiences that have changed my perspectuve.
only read on if you care, beause if you dont, then i dont care that you dont. i'm kinda 'whatever, you're opinion won't change me' at the moment.
i have some new friends. i love them with all my heart. there are 5 of us: James, Sophie, Steph, Richie, and myself.
I thought they were better than me, blah blah blah, but on Friday i got to service and James had saved me a seat next to him. sounds stupid, 'wow, who cares', but every week i am the one who is asking poeple if i can sit with them, and for once, someone not only wanted me to sit with them, but wasn't going to take no for an answer. now dont think im the Church freak, i have heaps of friends, but no one ever saves me a seat unles i ask them to.
i realised on Fridat that they want me to sit with them
I realised today after having a few conversations that i am acually the one planning things for the group, working out the logistics, and putting it into action.
i realised today (after a phone call) that they actually want to hang out with me, and like having me around.
i realised today that i dont have to change myself to make anyone else happy.
i realised today that while i tried so hard to fit in, i didnt even need to try.
i realised today that i as just as good as them
i realised today that it doesnt even matter whos better anyway, because what is 'better'?
i realised today that i can try my hardest, and not everyone will like me.
i realised today that i can be the one who starts the new trend...
...heck, it's already started...
... it's called 'love'.
you can think whatever you want about this, i dont need to please you. in my heart, i am peaceful...
do i think i can believe this forever? no. in a few weeks i will be as self-conscious and doubtful as last week, but for this next few weeks, i will savour it, and pray with all my might that just some of this will stick...
...because without that bit, i'm nothing.