Who watches the Watchmen? I did!
I am SO proud of myself.
This story starts back when I was in high school. The first time I watched Fight Club, the instant the tarp was lifted off of Meatloaf's character and I saw his vacant eyes and the dark red meat of the back of his head blown apart. I saw my worst fear - fear of cranial damage. In an instant I had flipped over to my other side and was curled up in a ball next to my boyfriend, shivering from fear.
When I was a freshman in college, I had a panic attack after seeing the animated portion of Kill Bill Vol. 1. I tried to sit through it, but I could feel every pain from every slash of every sword, and every shock from every shot of every gun. I have a fear of being slashed with knives too. I felt like my head was going to explode. I fainted outside of my friend's dorm room as I tried to return to my own, and I had to be carried back to my bed. My lover calmed me down, told me I was brave for trying to watch it. That same year, I paid for a group of friends to go see Sin City, not knowing how violent it would be. I held on as long as I could, my head between my knees, hyperventilating, trying not to throw up, but halfway through the movie I ran-stumbled out of the theatre, then collapsed in the lobby and had to be taken to the emergency room.
Last summer, Nate and some friends and I went to go see The Dark Knight at IMAX. I was amazed by the cruelty on the screen, the shattering of the mobster's kneecaps, the idea of the Joker's father slitting his son's mouth open into that scar smile. I held on to Nate's hand the whole time, sometimes holding my head like I did in my friend's dorm room, feeling every pain and so scared I felt as if I was in personal danger. I spent the whole movie crying. I acknowledged that it was one of the best movies possibly ever made, but I told people I probably wouldn't watch it again.
I tried to though. Nate bought the Blu-Ray of The Dark Knight, and lately I've been curious about trying it again. To be safe, this week I decided to watch the special features, and on the bonus disc there was a featurette announcing a psychological breakdown of Batman and his villains. Honestly, I wanted to see what they said about the Joker. I may be mortally afraid of violence, but I (as I told my Terrorism teacher) am a sucker for deviant personalities. What I ended up watching was a sort of Batman-on-the-couch thing - psychiatrists, psychologists, writers, even a rabbi were talking about the psychological meanings of the Batman characters and storyline. I want to write another post about it, later - suffice it to say that I learned about a technique very useful for patients coping with paralyzing fears, called Exposure. It's not shock therapy, it's not aversion, it's facing your fear at a pre-planned time, recognizing your fear is all around you, and in that moment when your heart rate increases and you feel scared, you step back and realize, "I'm okay. Look at me. I'm okay." If it worked for Bruce Wayne, I thought it would work for me.
So I geared up to go see Watchmen. I read the novel, realizing the depravity and the violence I was in for (a dog's head, mainly), and I prepared to face my fear. I knew there would be a man shot throught he head, and I thought as long as I knew it was coming, I would be ready to deal with it.
We went to the movie, and ended up sitting in a very near row to the screen (it was opening day, so of course it was packed). I kept calm throughout the movie, as things I knew would happen happened. Dog's head, check. Gunshot to the head, check. But I hadn't counted on them adding more violence to the film - unnecessary violence. I won't mention it, in case the few people who read this haven't seen the movie yet, but we all agreed upon leaving that it was unnecessarily graphic. And not just the violence. ;) Still, I was brave and even took time out to tell myself, "It's not real. It's just a movie. You're okay." And for that I am very proud of myself.
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
This story starts back when I was in high school. The first time I watched Fight Club, the instant the tarp was lifted off of Meatloaf's character and I saw his vacant eyes and the dark red meat of the back of his head blown apart. I saw my worst fear - fear of cranial damage. In an instant I had flipped over to my other side and was curled up in a ball next to my boyfriend, shivering from fear.
When I was a freshman in college, I had a panic attack after seeing the animated portion of Kill Bill Vol. 1. I tried to sit through it, but I could feel every pain from every slash of every sword, and every shock from every shot of every gun. I have a fear of being slashed with knives too. I felt like my head was going to explode. I fainted outside of my friend's dorm room as I tried to return to my own, and I had to be carried back to my bed. My lover calmed me down, told me I was brave for trying to watch it. That same year, I paid for a group of friends to go see Sin City, not knowing how violent it would be. I held on as long as I could, my head between my knees, hyperventilating, trying not to throw up, but halfway through the movie I ran-stumbled out of the theatre, then collapsed in the lobby and had to be taken to the emergency room.
Last summer, Nate and some friends and I went to go see The Dark Knight at IMAX. I was amazed by the cruelty on the screen, the shattering of the mobster's kneecaps, the idea of the Joker's father slitting his son's mouth open into that scar smile. I held on to Nate's hand the whole time, sometimes holding my head like I did in my friend's dorm room, feeling every pain and so scared I felt as if I was in personal danger. I spent the whole movie crying. I acknowledged that it was one of the best movies possibly ever made, but I told people I probably wouldn't watch it again.
I tried to though. Nate bought the Blu-Ray of The Dark Knight, and lately I've been curious about trying it again. To be safe, this week I decided to watch the special features, and on the bonus disc there was a featurette announcing a psychological breakdown of Batman and his villains. Honestly, I wanted to see what they said about the Joker. I may be mortally afraid of violence, but I (as I told my Terrorism teacher) am a sucker for deviant personalities. What I ended up watching was a sort of Batman-on-the-couch thing - psychiatrists, psychologists, writers, even a rabbi were talking about the psychological meanings of the Batman characters and storyline. I want to write another post about it, later - suffice it to say that I learned about a technique very useful for patients coping with paralyzing fears, called Exposure. It's not shock therapy, it's not aversion, it's facing your fear at a pre-planned time, recognizing your fear is all around you, and in that moment when your heart rate increases and you feel scared, you step back and realize, "I'm okay. Look at me. I'm okay." If it worked for Bruce Wayne, I thought it would work for me.
So I geared up to go see Watchmen. I read the novel, realizing the depravity and the violence I was in for (a dog's head, mainly), and I prepared to face my fear. I knew there would be a man shot throught he head, and I thought as long as I knew it was coming, I would be ready to deal with it.
We went to the movie, and ended up sitting in a very near row to the screen (it was opening day, so of course it was packed). I kept calm throughout the movie, as things I knew would happen happened. Dog's head, check. Gunshot to the head, check. But I hadn't counted on them adding more violence to the film - unnecessary violence. I won't mention it, in case the few people who read this haven't seen the movie yet, but we all agreed upon leaving that it was unnecessarily graphic. And not just the violence. ;) Still, I was brave and even took time out to tell myself, "It's not real. It's just a movie. You're okay." And for that I am very proud of myself.
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.