another fucking night again

[operationtbs]

i don't know who or what to hate. i'm sick of feeling happy and then fucking miserble. i'm trying to hold in my tears. i should suck it up. i probably won't go to sleep until 3-4 again tonight. i'm getting raccoon eyes. every fucking night i'm getting pushed farther and farther. i have no one close to talk to here. i feel so lonely. i cant talk to my friends about it because they dont know what to say or do, so all they do is just sit there and try to make me go do some activity. i should take a picture of my eyeliner running down my face with my tears. i look beautiful. if i die, have them do good make up on me. i like black eyeliner with thick eyelashes. i'd love for my cheeks to be rosy...the color where i've just been out running. maybe my parents will have me creamated though. this is lame, i shouldn't be talking like this. life is a gift...i just want to give up though. i hate my mom for making me feel so cheap and weak when i cry. i hate her for ignoring me. i hate her. she's only using me. i feel so lonely. no one in my family cares for me. if i could, i would kill all my relatives on my mother's side. i hate them all. i hate their dad as well. i hate what he did to my mother. i hope the bastard died a painful death. who the fuck am i kidding? i hate myself. why? i'm the cause for everything. sometimes i just feel like getting all the pills i can find along with rat poison and chase it down with vodka or i could just get tom's gun. i can see those fuckers "crying" and being "bummed" about my suicide, since you know they will get attention for knowing me. fuck that shit, i'll write a letter if i know for sure i'll kill myself. to think of one person that i truly love in this world...is really hard. true i love my siblings and my parents and friends and so on....but the love where i actually feel comfortable loving, this doesn't make sense i know but...the only person is my Grandma Kay from Texas. I miss her so much, I wish I could be in her arms. I was always in her arms when I cried when I was little. That was love. I always remembered waking up from my nap and she had a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream ready for me. I remember her teaching the ice cream man Laotian words. She was so kindhearted and she had just so much love. Why did I have to fucking move here? Oh yeah, so we're closer to my real grandma. I love her, of course but she's a fucking two-faced using bitch. ouch, maybe i'll burn in hell for that. too bad i don't believe in it. for godsakes, when my mom was little my grandma let my moms stepdad fucking beat the living shit out of my mom. the guy was an ass to his own kids too, he tied on up in a sack and threw him in the river but luckily one of my aunts went after him. the thing that keeps me attached to my mom is that...she sometimes cant help the way she acts or responds. that ass of a stepdad of hers raped her. she told me when we were on our way to the mall, she started crying. i cried as well. i guess like daughter like mother huh. i know it's hard raising kids..especially me and when you're a single parent although tom is somewhat the father figure. i don't see him as one though. i doubt i'll ever see anyone as a father figure, perhaps my husband.

ill finish this later maybe. i got sidetrack with other shit. bye.