blah blah blah blah
lately, i have been feeling really blah.
i have no cares in the world, and yet i do. i don't really know how to explain it. its like, i'm very happy about things right now, and i'm not. i'm happy with friends, with family, with no school for a while, with some of the classes i have coming up....in other words, i have stuff to look forward to and stuff i have now that make things good.
so why in the hell have i been feeling like shit lately? i feel like i deserve more, and not materialistic thinking. i feel like i seriously need to just get out of here, and thinking abou that scares me as well. in a way, i'm kind of held back. for instance, why do i have an apartment in Las Cruces, when i'm hear 75% of the time? i have very very few friends in las cruces, and because i have great friends in el paso, i guess i kind of hold back from making friends in Cruces.
the last few friends i made in las cruces didn't turn out to be really good. i shut out my family and my friends in el paso, and became totally distant. maybe it was kind of a good thing because for a while, it was really fun. i could have been any person i wanted to be with them.
i don't know what's wrong with me. i get annoyed with people lately. i hate the fact that the only thing i deserve from the someone i've been thinking about 85% of the time is the "hold-on-i'm-busy-so-i'm-going-to-give-you-the-look-of-shock-and-tell-you-to-hold-on" finger.
a friend told me that i'll never get over him until the next guy comes along, and that really is true. and it makes me sad that it's true, because that kind of makes me feel that i'm just waiting for the next jackass to break my heart. i think that's kind of why i went for the biggest jackass of them all after Fred. i don't really know what attracted me to this guy, except for the fact that he was a distraction from Fred and that he was someone else to think about.
i want to get drunk and drink my petty problems away. i want this year to end. i want to start fresh and brand new, but i know that when 2006 rolls along the problems and the anxiety and the idon'tknowwhat will still be there no matter what year it is. i want to forget about him. i hate that i think about him so much, because he was such a small miniscule part of my life. but maybe that's what makes me so sad. he didn't even give me a chance or a second thought. its like i think about him constantly, and he doesn't even give a second thought about ignoring me. it seriously makes me feel like shit, because what does that really say about me. am i not worth someone's thought? am i not worth someone's time? am i that wierd? FUCK! i hate stupid little boys.
i have no cares in the world, and yet i do. i don't really know how to explain it. its like, i'm very happy about things right now, and i'm not. i'm happy with friends, with family, with no school for a while, with some of the classes i have coming up....in other words, i have stuff to look forward to and stuff i have now that make things good.
so why in the hell have i been feeling like shit lately? i feel like i deserve more, and not materialistic thinking. i feel like i seriously need to just get out of here, and thinking abou that scares me as well. in a way, i'm kind of held back. for instance, why do i have an apartment in Las Cruces, when i'm hear 75% of the time? i have very very few friends in las cruces, and because i have great friends in el paso, i guess i kind of hold back from making friends in Cruces.
the last few friends i made in las cruces didn't turn out to be really good. i shut out my family and my friends in el paso, and became totally distant. maybe it was kind of a good thing because for a while, it was really fun. i could have been any person i wanted to be with them.
i don't know what's wrong with me. i get annoyed with people lately. i hate the fact that the only thing i deserve from the someone i've been thinking about 85% of the time is the "hold-on-i'm-busy-so-i'm-going-to-give-you-the-look-of-shock-and-tell-you-to-hold-on" finger.
a friend told me that i'll never get over him until the next guy comes along, and that really is true. and it makes me sad that it's true, because that kind of makes me feel that i'm just waiting for the next jackass to break my heart. i think that's kind of why i went for the biggest jackass of them all after Fred. i don't really know what attracted me to this guy, except for the fact that he was a distraction from Fred and that he was someone else to think about.
i want to get drunk and drink my petty problems away. i want this year to end. i want to start fresh and brand new, but i know that when 2006 rolls along the problems and the anxiety and the idon'tknowwhat will still be there no matter what year it is. i want to forget about him. i hate that i think about him so much, because he was such a small miniscule part of my life. but maybe that's what makes me so sad. he didn't even give me a chance or a second thought. its like i think about him constantly, and he doesn't even give a second thought about ignoring me. it seriously makes me feel like shit, because what does that really say about me. am i not worth someone's thought? am i not worth someone's time? am i that wierd? FUCK! i hate stupid little boys.