(no subject)
I’ve started this several times and everything feels too formal. I don’t want it to feel like a newsletter where I run down everything that’s happened since I last showed my face. I think we-humanity as a whole-were in the midst of a collective panic attack. It’s not surprising some of us dropped off into nothingness. I miss each and every one of you, and I hope the last nearly three years have been gentle on you. Bare with me as I ramble a stream of consciousness.
I had a moment around the beginning of the year-it was a kind of existential, dissociative moment-where I was thinking about how much things change over time but how time doesn’t stop. Sometimes it feels very much like a march, especially after the time change in the fall. “The years start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’”. There’s your earworm for tonight.
My kid recently got one of the new 1999 historical American Girl dolls and she asked me to play her some “old” music that Nicki (the doll character) would have listened to. Together we went down a musical rabbit hole from Smash Mouth to Limp Bizkit to Cake to Alanis Morissette to Green Day.
Annika is almost 11 now. Santana will be 8 in a few weeks. MJ will be 7. My little man is almost 4. My kids mean everything to me and I wish life could allow for me to do the job I love as a musician and be the parent I wish I could be. I feel guilty all the time. Over the last few years, I’ve developed a close relationship with my mother-in-law, and she has taken a much larger role in my kids’ lives. She’s filled in where my own mother is absent, and I’m grateful for her love.
Sebastian has been working as an FDNY EMT for almost a year now. He still wants to get to Paramedic status, but he’s not in a rush. Maybe when the kids are older. He loves what he’s doing and he’s actually met a Paramedic from another borough who has a similar background. They became fast friends.
I have new music that just came out and I’m not even in New York right now. This is where that Mommy guilt kicks in. I just got some pictures from my husband of him and the kids after he collected them from school. He brought the dog and they went to a park. But for as much guilt as I have, I also have perspective and can keep moving forward with joy. I’m not who I was three, four years ago. I’m older. More mature.
We said goodbye to so many over the last few years. Not just my family, but everyone. Jobs changed. Hard decisions were made that make me grateful we live in a state where we can still make those decisions. We said goodbye to my little orange cat, the one with one eye. We said goodbye to Abuela. I said goodbye, in a professional sense, to my manager. Things happened, life moves on. I barely remember 2020, and I can't say that anyone else does, either. 2021 was just a blur. 2022 things started happening again, the way life was supposed to. I've moved away from typing out every aspect of my life, and moved towards a more private, old-fashioned notebook. Social media will always be there, but the details won't.
And so I will leave you with this. This is that new music I was talking about. This video is a compilation shows in Europe last fall. We opened for Evanescence--a band that was hugely influential on me growing up. This came out of the pandemic, and was fueled by healing. The crown jewel of 2022.
It's only upwards from here. That I can promise you.
This is what I wanted.
Nothing's gonna change it.
This is what it's all about.
Gotta keep believing.
This is why I am breathing,
nothing else on my mind.
Suddenly I see that time has been running out
Lord I feel like it coming,
under my skin.
I can feel the change,
under my skin.
No more hesitating
I don't wanna face it
This is all I've ever known.
All my doubts are fading
Rushing to the edge and I let myself go.
And I feel that my heart's going crazy now.
I am not gonna break, can't be taken down?
No i'm not going under,
it's going down with the thunder.
I feel the fire within burning high
With the thunder.
No, I'm not going under.
It's going down with the thunder.
It's going down with the thunder.
This can not be taken.
All I have been facing.
I will never let it go.
Feel the liberation.
It won't be forsaken.
Never gonna shout it out.
Suddenly I see that this is not the end.
Lord, I feel like it coming under my skin (?)
I can feel the change,
Under my skin.
All my doubts are fading.
I feel my mind is straining
Rushing to the edge and I let myself go.
And I feel that my heart's going crazy now.
I am not gonna break, can't be taken down?
No i'm not going under,
it's going down with the thunder.
I feel the fire within burning high
With the thunder.
No, I'm not going under.
It's going down with the thunder.
It's going down with the thunder.
I am what I am.
I'm not heaven sent.
I am what I am.
Here we go again.
Down with the thunder.
And I feel that my heart's going crazy now.
I am not gonna break, can't be taken down?
No i'm not going under,
it's going down with the thunder.
I feel the fire within burning high
With the thunder.
No, I'm not going under.
It's going down with the thunder.
I had a moment around the beginning of the year-it was a kind of existential, dissociative moment-where I was thinking about how much things change over time but how time doesn’t stop. Sometimes it feels very much like a march, especially after the time change in the fall. “The years start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’”. There’s your earworm for tonight.
My kid recently got one of the new 1999 historical American Girl dolls and she asked me to play her some “old” music that Nicki (the doll character) would have listened to. Together we went down a musical rabbit hole from Smash Mouth to Limp Bizkit to Cake to Alanis Morissette to Green Day.
Annika is almost 11 now. Santana will be 8 in a few weeks. MJ will be 7. My little man is almost 4. My kids mean everything to me and I wish life could allow for me to do the job I love as a musician and be the parent I wish I could be. I feel guilty all the time. Over the last few years, I’ve developed a close relationship with my mother-in-law, and she has taken a much larger role in my kids’ lives. She’s filled in where my own mother is absent, and I’m grateful for her love.
Sebastian has been working as an FDNY EMT for almost a year now. He still wants to get to Paramedic status, but he’s not in a rush. Maybe when the kids are older. He loves what he’s doing and he’s actually met a Paramedic from another borough who has a similar background. They became fast friends.
I have new music that just came out and I’m not even in New York right now. This is where that Mommy guilt kicks in. I just got some pictures from my husband of him and the kids after he collected them from school. He brought the dog and they went to a park. But for as much guilt as I have, I also have perspective and can keep moving forward with joy. I’m not who I was three, four years ago. I’m older. More mature.
We said goodbye to so many over the last few years. Not just my family, but everyone. Jobs changed. Hard decisions were made that make me grateful we live in a state where we can still make those decisions. We said goodbye to my little orange cat, the one with one eye. We said goodbye to Abuela. I said goodbye, in a professional sense, to my manager. Things happened, life moves on. I barely remember 2020, and I can't say that anyone else does, either. 2021 was just a blur. 2022 things started happening again, the way life was supposed to. I've moved away from typing out every aspect of my life, and moved towards a more private, old-fashioned notebook. Social media will always be there, but the details won't.
And so I will leave you with this. This is that new music I was talking about. This video is a compilation shows in Europe last fall. We opened for Evanescence--a band that was hugely influential on me growing up. This came out of the pandemic, and was fueled by healing. The crown jewel of 2022.
It's only upwards from here. That I can promise you.
Click to viewThis is what I wanted.
Nothing's gonna change it.
This is what it's all about.
Gotta keep believing.
This is why I am breathing,
nothing else on my mind.
Suddenly I see that time has been running out
Lord I feel like it coming,
under my skin.
I can feel the change,
under my skin.
No more hesitating
I don't wanna face it
This is all I've ever known.
All my doubts are fading
Rushing to the edge and I let myself go.
And I feel that my heart's going crazy now.
I am not gonna break, can't be taken down?
No i'm not going under,
it's going down with the thunder.
I feel the fire within burning high
With the thunder.
No, I'm not going under.
It's going down with the thunder.
It's going down with the thunder.
This can not be taken.
All I have been facing.
I will never let it go.
Feel the liberation.
It won't be forsaken.
Never gonna shout it out.
Suddenly I see that this is not the end.
Lord, I feel like it coming under my skin (?)
I can feel the change,
Under my skin.
All my doubts are fading.
I feel my mind is straining
Rushing to the edge and I let myself go.
And I feel that my heart's going crazy now.
I am not gonna break, can't be taken down?
No i'm not going under,
it's going down with the thunder.
I feel the fire within burning high
With the thunder.
No, I'm not going under.
It's going down with the thunder.
It's going down with the thunder.
I am what I am.
I'm not heaven sent.
I am what I am.
Here we go again.
Down with the thunder.
And I feel that my heart's going crazy now.
I am not gonna break, can't be taken down?
No i'm not going under,
it's going down with the thunder.
I feel the fire within burning high
With the thunder.
No, I'm not going under.
It's going down with the thunder.