(no subject)
I’ve been listening to Nahko, courtesy of Sterling, my handyman and friend. Nahko’s like a Michael Franti, maybe even more earthy or maybe just younger.
Last night it poured and was cold; today was drier but felt super cold, it was actually damp. To thicken my blood and because it seemed warmer, I wore less layers than I have been cause it was in the 40’s but the reality was it felt like the 30’s. I dropped Zia at daycare which always makes me happy and sad, cause it’s an incredibly cool place but I miss him, and the drive is beautiful which makes me miss Joe, miss having someone, miss feeling secure, miss not having to find a job urgently, It’s an emotional few minutes.
Before I pulled out of Bark More Park, I looked at my email. Sam from Accounttemps had written an email that said without saying these words, that they can’t find me anything, even what I’m qualified for but he’s sure they will soon and to please stay in touch.
I had applied to a job posted by them on Saturday and then sent Sam and team an email asking if we could discuss this position on Monday. But Sam, clearly saw zero need to discuss anything with me. They haven’t called with a single job or positive forecast. They aren’t like the agencies in CA or even FL, they at least called with jobs. Or hope.
The pain I felt, enveloped me. I cried as I drove to Whole Foods, then Harris Teeter, then Trader Joe’s for just a few things but takes 3 stores to complete list. It hurts when I spend money but I’m not buying anything I don’t need. I’m scared that everything is related to sadness. I’m scared of the loneliness, it’s so familiar.
In between each store, in the car, I let myself cry, weep, give in. And wondered how long do I pretend I’m strong? Or is that just what we do, we pretend? It’s so much easier when there’s a partner. There was that brief time when I believed that I was loved and adored and would not be abandoned. But it came. The abandonment came. And the truth was, a lot of our time together was horrible. At least now, I feel.
I got unbelievably chilled as I walked in and out of each store and of course each store was cold. And in each store, I smiled and said, I’m well thank you, how are you, when asked. I’m cold to my bones, I’m crying in the car, and smiling in the store. I can sort of imagine, when asked how I am, saying, I feel bad today, I’d like to hug and then hug and be hugged. Isn’t that better?
When I got home, I had a sick headache. I pictured going on the art district walk with the meet up group that I had RSVP’d to and then going to Fran’s on Wednesday and fighting off whatever winter and emotion-based illness is lurking in me. I put on another layer and called the group leader saying I couldn’t make it due to headache. It sounded lame but wasn’t an excuse. I cannot imagine being outside walking for 3 hours today.
I warmed up, my lamenting turned to action. I applied for a couple administrative jobs, (expanded my circle) with cover letters I put some thought into, wrote a review on Thumbtack for my handyman, wrote a review on Amazon for what is my best purchase of 2019 so far, Zen Garden grass for the balcony, for Zia, then wrote this.
I read some articles about how to get a job when over 50. One idea, change your email address it said, AOL and yahoo mean you’re outdated. Well, yes, I have a yahoo account and although I’m ageless, apparently, I’m out of date. I switched my LinkIn to my gmail account and updated my resume. Now I’m current. Are you listening Universe?