(no subject)
I've always thought of myself as an introvert, but I didn't start out life that way. I was super extroverted as a young child. I would approach strangers in restaurants. People in our apartment complexes knew my parents as "Felicia's parents." I would wander around and make friends with all of the adults. Which is a little stomach churning when I think about how completely unsupervised my childhood was and how lucky I am that nothing dreadful happened to me.
I can't pinpoint when I became shy and withdrawn. Sometime after becoming "the manager's daughter" at the mobile home community and becoming bullied. And then SUPER bullied in 6th grade, after one of my spacey staring into space instances led some tough boys to start teasing one of their kind that I liked him. The entire fucking class called me names for the rest of the year. I flitted between social circles in junior high and high school, but I never fully recovered and I never truly fit in anywhere. Naively, I thought I just needed to become an adult and everything would change. So stupid. Shallow mean inconsequential kids usually turn into shallow mean adults. Adults really should stop lying to misfit kids about this. Bowling for soup was on the nose - high school never ends.
Lately I've been trying to come up with specific memories of my mom, and I'm coming up short, and it's such a fucking bummer. I guess I should be thankful I didn't suffer that much outright abuse as a kid. No, my parents were just emotionally negligent and overall indifferent. I know I should be in therapy, honestly. I've always known I'm not wanted, and I've never fully outgrown that mindset. It's so fucking awful how I have really specific memories about meaningless things from my childhood. Really random seemingly inconsequential moments. But try to remember something specific about my mom and I come up blank. I don't even remember her voice.