EDITOR part twotoxic_apiaceaeMarch 13 2011, 15:26:13 UTC
“Oh, yeah, like no one in the movies has ever thought of that before and failed.”
Haha! I love Amy! She’s so delightfully snarky.
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, then, let’s just stand here until you come up with a better idea. Or maybe even find a phone that we can actually use.”
He glared at her one more time before they both turned around to face the path that brought them there. Their jaws both dropped in shock when they realized they were facing two almost identical paths leading to two different directions.
Watch out for repetition, especially in such a short piece. Here, “both” is used in back-to-back sentences. I think the second one could be changed to something like “Their jaws dropped in unison” instead to break this up.
“Er, Will? Do you remember which way we came from?”
“Ha!” he countered. “This coming from the person who got us lost in the maze in the first place.”
I’d like to suggest moving the dialogue tag to the very end of this rather than sticking it after “Ha!” Ha isn’t much of a rebuttal, whereas the rest of it is.
“Alright, I’m sorry, okay?” Amy said, sitting down on the grass in defeat. “It’s not like I wanted to get stuck here.” Knowing how stubborn his sister was about being right, Will knew that this was her form of an apology.
Actually … it is an apology. She said sorry straight off the bat. Be careful with consistency.
“I know that,” he replied grudgingly.
Again, watch for repetition. “Replied” is getting used a LOT, which is fine if this were a longer piece. Seeing as it’s pretty short, what ends up happening is that it starts to read stale. There are other ways of tagging dialogue to not only give better variance but also to indicate how something is said. Sighed, grumbled, muttered, whispered, groused, etc. All of those would work very well, especially for bickering twins.
“If we ever get back, remind me to tell grandma and grandpa to take this place down. I mean, how builds a giant maze in the middle of their yard anymore, anyway? It’s so 1800’s.”
I think you meant to say “…who builds a giant maze…”
“Will! Amy!” their mother said.
Same thing with “said” as well. It’s getting very overused by this point. Also, considering there are exclamation points in the dialogue, I think “said” is a bit weak for a tag. Exclamation points imply excitement, anger - something more emotive than just said.
“So…” Amy said, breaking the silence. “Does anyone have a working phone?”
HAHA! I love how this ties back to the beginning again, as any solid conclusion should. Nicely done!
EDITOR Part Threetoxic_apiaceaeMarch 13 2011, 15:26:29 UTC
Overall Impressions:
I thought this was a very charming piece! I do agree with Thora and Keppie completely about a few points:
1. Your writing style if very light and has excellent flow from start to finish. Each concept moved smoothly into the next and your characters were not only believable siblings but also a lot of fun to read. This piece was very dialogue heavy, which is mostly fine for sibling bickering, but I think fleshing it out with some scenic description would have helped as well. 2. I do think that the prompt needed to shine through just a little clearer than it did. I read your comment about how the prompt was interpreted, but I do think sashay could have been used a bit better.
The one area I might argue is that there is no plot. There is a simple plot to it that can maybe be strengthened with just a few changes. I don’t really think there needs to be an underlying drive or thing that prods them along, such as a family treasure or something. It’s a labyrinth. In their grandparent’s backyard. What kid WOULDN’T want to go exploring that for fun?
I think you could strengthen the character development aspect in Amy and Will very easily though, which will help solidify your plot. Like, for example, play up the fact that Amy doesn’t apologize very well. Maybe make their time inside the labyrinth longer so that the shadows are growing longer and longer and they’re hungry and tired and just want to go home. By extending their current predicament, you’ll be opening the doors for some more serious conflict/arguing between them that culminates in Amy apologizing - something she NEVER does, which surprises Will to no end. I do agree with Thora that maybe adding some details about the maze being kind of creepy might build a better sense of urgency to get out for them, which is their ultimate goal. That goes back to adding more description though.
I also rather like the idea that their parents get stuck in there with them and can’t find their way out. Mazes are meant to boggle the mind and disorient a person. I personally really love the idea of this coming full circle back to that concept.
So, overall, I think you created a very charming, adorable story with solid character dynamics and clever, snarky dialogue. Nicely done!
Re: EDITOR Part ThreeopenedlocketMarch 13 2011, 22:30:50 UTC
Hello Tox! Nice to officially 'meet' you. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised to find these edits when I opened my email this morning. I have to tell you how grateful I am for how thoroughly you edited all of this.
Alright so my reply to the edits:
Now that you pointed it out, I have to agree that I've made that first line a little too bulky...will fix that.
Will is very very close to pulling Amy's pigtails all throughout that first part, which he would've done if she had pigtails and didn't have phone she could throw at him in self-defense ;)
I understand what you mean about the description. I guess I lack description in most aspects of this piece. I'll be sure to fix that as well.
Oh no! The dreaded return of the repetitive words. I've been trying to avoid using words over and over again but I guess I rushed this too much and let these slip. Repeating words seems to be a problem for me...
Forget pulling her pigtails, Will. Stick gum in her hair and rub it about. *nods*
You're a GENIUS! Okay, just had to say that.
Your overall comments are a big help. I think I grasp the concept of fleshing out my story a bit better now. I keep thinking that I made this story a bit too 'safe' and just went straight to dialogue without the scenic descriptions because I find it harder to write descriptions than dialogue. I tend to overthink descriptions alot.
I'll keep those tips you gave me in mind. Thanks so much for this edit :) I know you might not have been expecting to get such a random reply but answering your edit was a lot of fun and it helped me figure out how I'm going to apply the edits you gave me.
Haha! I love Amy! She’s so delightfully snarky.
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, then, let’s just stand here until you come up with a better idea. Or maybe even find a phone that we can actually use.”
He glared at her one more time before they both turned around to face the path that brought them there. Their jaws both dropped in shock when they realized they were facing two almost identical paths leading to two different directions.
Watch out for repetition, especially in such a short piece. Here, “both” is used in back-to-back sentences. I think the second one could be changed to something like “Their jaws dropped in unison” instead to break this up.
“Er, Will? Do you remember which way we came from?”
“Ha!” he countered. “This coming from the person who got us lost in the maze in the first place.”
I’d like to suggest moving the dialogue tag to the very end of this rather than sticking it after “Ha!” Ha isn’t much of a rebuttal, whereas the rest of it is.
“Alright, I’m sorry, okay?” Amy said, sitting down on the grass in defeat. “It’s not like I wanted to get stuck here.” Knowing how stubborn his sister was about being right, Will knew that this was her form of an apology.
Actually … it is an apology. She said sorry straight off the bat. Be careful with consistency.
“I know that,” he replied grudgingly.
Again, watch for repetition. “Replied” is getting used a LOT, which is fine if this were a longer piece. Seeing as it’s pretty short, what ends up happening is that it starts to read stale. There are other ways of tagging dialogue to not only give better variance but also to indicate how something is said. Sighed, grumbled, muttered, whispered, groused, etc. All of those would work very well, especially for bickering twins.
“If we ever get back, remind me to tell grandma and grandpa to take this place down. I mean, how builds a giant maze in the middle of their yard anymore, anyway? It’s so 1800’s.”
I think you meant to say “…who builds a giant maze…”
“Will! Amy!” their mother said.
Same thing with “said” as well. It’s getting very overused by this point. Also, considering there are exclamation points in the dialogue, I think “said” is a bit weak for a tag. Exclamation points imply excitement, anger - something more emotive than just said.
“So…” Amy said, breaking the silence. “Does anyone have a working phone?”
HAHA! I love how this ties back to the beginning again, as any solid conclusion should. Nicely done!
Reply
I thought this was a very charming piece! I do agree with Thora and Keppie completely about a few points:
1. Your writing style if very light and has excellent flow from start to finish. Each concept moved smoothly into the next and your characters were not only believable siblings but also a lot of fun to read. This piece was very dialogue heavy, which is mostly fine for sibling bickering, but I think fleshing it out with some scenic description would have helped as well.
2. I do think that the prompt needed to shine through just a little clearer than it did. I read your comment about how the prompt was interpreted, but I do think sashay could have been used a bit better.
The one area I might argue is that there is no plot. There is a simple plot to it that can maybe be strengthened with just a few changes. I don’t really think there needs to be an underlying drive or thing that prods them along, such as a family treasure or something. It’s a labyrinth. In their grandparent’s backyard. What kid WOULDN’T want to go exploring that for fun?
I think you could strengthen the character development aspect in Amy and Will very easily though, which will help solidify your plot. Like, for example, play up the fact that Amy doesn’t apologize very well. Maybe make their time inside the labyrinth longer so that the shadows are growing longer and longer and they’re hungry and tired and just want to go home. By extending their current predicament, you’ll be opening the doors for some more serious conflict/arguing between them that culminates in Amy apologizing - something she NEVER does, which surprises Will to no end. I do agree with Thora that maybe adding some details about the maze being kind of creepy might build a better sense of urgency to get out for them, which is their ultimate goal. That goes back to adding more description though.
I also rather like the idea that their parents get stuck in there with them and can’t find their way out. Mazes are meant to boggle the mind and disorient a person. I personally really love the idea of this coming full circle back to that concept.
So, overall, I think you created a very charming, adorable story with solid character dynamics and clever, snarky dialogue. Nicely done!
Reply
Alright so my reply to the edits:
Now that you pointed it out, I have to agree that I've made that first line a little too bulky...will fix that.
Will is very very close to pulling Amy's pigtails all throughout that first part, which he would've done if she had pigtails and didn't have phone she could throw at him in self-defense ;)
I understand what you mean about the description. I guess I lack description in most aspects of this piece. I'll be sure to fix that as well.
Oh no! The dreaded return of the repetitive words. I've been trying to avoid using words over and over again but I guess I rushed this too much and let these slip. Repeating words seems to be a problem for me...
Forget pulling her pigtails, Will. Stick gum in her hair and rub it about. *nods*
You're a GENIUS! Okay, just had to say that.
Your overall comments are a big help. I think I grasp the concept of fleshing out my story a bit better now. I keep thinking that I made this story a bit too 'safe' and just went straight to dialogue without the scenic descriptions because I find it harder to write descriptions than dialogue. I tend to overthink descriptions alot.
I'll keep those tips you gave me in mind. Thanks so much for this edit :) I know you might not have been expecting to get such a random reply but answering your edit was a lot of fun and it helped me figure out how I'm going to apply the edits you gave me.
Thanks again for all the help! :D
Reply
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