Learn to play piano; host a radio show; write a song better than John Lennon; fistfight Andrew Dice Clay; teach a kid how to read; paint a self-portrait; get to know my mother; win the lottery; adopt a child; murder a midget; be Bruce Springsteen; party with a Hilton sister; learn to apologize; forgive my brother; get to know my sister; drink with ( Read more... )

I tried to figure out how much money I've spent on heroin in my life. I'm guessing fifty grand. Just a guess. I really miss those days, most junkies won't tell you that. They won't tell you why they were strung out, why they started in the first place. I liked seeing the needle pierce my skin. I couldn't move but I could fucking fly. I had a great ( Read more... )

Everyone the world over needs to call this number

1-336-213-5422

They sent a text message to my wife and she doesn't know who it is. Plus, they won't answer the phone when we call them back. Phone-spam them, involve your friends and family, and let's think globally.

Thanks for all you do,
open_third_eye

p.s. snootch to the nootch

Top 5 movies to watch with a girl, to make her fall for you. These are fool-proof you just have to know what to say, and when ( Read more... )

If you play "Hit me baby, one more time" backwards at the point where she says

"when I'm not with you I lose my mind"

she says "sleep with me I'm not too young"-that's cool.

also the pokemon rap "gotta catch 'em all" says "love satan"-that's even cooler.

-go to jeffmilner.com

It goes on and on and on and on ( Read more... )

Aspen and I searched through tons of personals today. Why? Because it's the funniest things on the net. I've noticed something though, it's always the real fat girls who are the bitches. They are also the ones whos profiles make no sense, here's an example ( Read more... )

I just saw my ex's webpage and a poem about me is on said page. We broke up three years ago...does that creep anyone else out ( Read more... )

( Read more... )

I work with a girl who is hearing impaired. Today she asked me out on a date. It was pretty awkward. I'm the most offensive and rude person that I know, so why would someone with a disability have a crush on me ( Read more... )