fic: In a Yellow Mood [M] part IV - Janeway/Chakotay (VOY)

[oparu]

Title: In a Yellow Mood
Author: oparu
Rating: Mature
Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Spoilers: none
Summary: After the season two episode "Deadlock", the duplicate Kathryn Janeway survives the destruction of her ship and is rescued by her other crew. Can she adapt to a universe that already has one of her? What does this mean for both of their relationships with Chakotay? Carries through "Resolutions"
Notes: Betaed by the phenomenal Quantumsilver. Written for scifibigbang. Art by yappichick

chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four || chapter five



The Doctor's hands hung useless by his sides. If there was a heart within his holographic form, Kate thought she heard it breaking.

"We'll have to leave them. They can't leave the planet," the Doctor continued for her and Tuvok. "I can't fight the virus they've been infected with. It's been seventeen days since we put them in stasis and I haven't deactivated myself for a month or treated another patient. This is all I have done and I could not cure it. We should contact the Vidiians."

"The captain has forbidden that course of action." Tuvok pointed out. "If you have failed, Doctor, we are at an impasse." He turned his dark eyes to Kate and she knew that look. She'd had that look from him when she was still captain.

She wasn't worthy to be so again.

"Thank you, Doctor." Holographic or not, his pain at having failed two of his crew was written all over his face. "I'm sure they both appreciate all that you have tried for to do for them. No one could have done more."

"It wasn't enough, Commander," the Doctor sighed, utterly defeated. He slunk back to his office.

Kes nodded to her and Tuvok. "He's pushed himself so hard, Commander."

"The entire crew will feel the loss of Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay most keenly," Tuvok said. "I for one will be most aware of their absence on our long journey."

"Me too Tuvok," Kes replied softly, forcing away tears from her huge eyes. "Commander, Lieutenant."

Tuvok watched her go then turned to Kate. "Would you accompany me, Commander Janeway?"

"Of course."

Kate fell in step beside him. Tuvok put himself a step behind, as he had when she was captain of her own ship. Tuvok had been using the ready room in the captain's absence and it still felt strange to stand on the other side of her desk.

This time, he didn't take the chair. Instead, her- Kathryn's old friend, stood before the desk at her side. Together they contemplated the gaping hole Captain Janeway's absence had left. Already, the wound had begun to sting.

"Logically, you will assume command."

Tuvok wasn't going to spend much time on ceremony. Voyager needed a captain. She was the ranking officer; no doubt Kathryn would agree.

Kate's heart sank into her stomach. She had no business being in command. She wore blue now, not red; she was a scientist, because Kathryn needed a good one, and that was all. Her crew was dead. She'd outlived them all and she existed now as a shadow. A shadow needed the light, and with Kathryn down on the planet, the light was gone. A wraith couldn't be captain. A shadow couldn't lead a crew.

"I respectfully suggest that you allow me to serve as first officer," Tuvok continued. "Lieutenants Torres and Paris will be needed at their posts, and I am the only one with the necessary command experience."

"You're right, Tuvok, of course." She nodded weakly, staring at the chair she'd tried to forget. "Captain Janeway will make an announcement. I'm sure she'll agree with you."

Tuvok headed for the replicator and asked for Vulcan spice tea. "You shall have to return to being Captain Janeway."

"I will." Following him up, she sank into the sofa at his side. "She's still in here somewhere, isn't she?"

"Kathryn Janeway has always found the strength to do what is require of her," Tuvok replied, passing her a cup of tea. "You are no exception."

"Your support, is greatly appreciated, as always, Tuvok."

Staring down at her tea, Kate looked back over at her desk. "I'm a different person when I sit there. Not just literally. Captain Janeway is reserved. She lives by herself. She doesn't talk to her crew. She eats by herself."

"Becoming the captain does not mean you have to reassume the behavioural patterns you had when you were in that position before. You are free to captain the ship as you wish."

Sighing heavily, she rolled her head on her shoulders. The headache she hadn't had for the last month was settling in again, where it had lived in her former life.

"Maybe that's the problem. Captain Janeway, the other Captain Janeway, ran the ship exactly the same way I did, but now I can't do that. I don't even want to. I know them now, Tuvok, in a way I never thought of before. Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, Kes- I see them differently. They don't have me up on that pedestal. Kes asks me dating advice. I beat Tom in pool every Tuesday. B'Elanna's trying to turn me into a decent hoverball player and Harry, he wants to teach me the saxophone."

Tuvok impassively watched her flit between emotions.

"You might enjoy learning an instrument. I find it very centring."

She needed to be soothed but Kate doubted her heart would even loosen up again. She was about to become the captain. She'd promised to get this crew home, and she'd have to do just that, without Kathryn and without him. She felt Chakotay's absence as keenly as that of the other her, perhaps even more so. Not that she didn't appreciate Tuvok's counsel, it was- she'd become so accustomed to Chakotay.

Maybe more than accustomed.

Kate stood and headed for that damned desk. She was going to have to sit in it. It was hers, the ship was hers and all of the responsibility was squarely back on her shoulders.

"Someone has to get this ship home and it looks like it's going to be me."

Sitting in her chair behind the desk sent a phantom rivulet of ice water down her spine. She rested her hands on her desk and looked up in surprise when Tuvok set her tea down on it.

"You were, and shall continue to be, a most excellent captain."

So much for Vulcans making lousy cheerleaders. Kate forced herself to take her tea in hand and reach for the first PADD of command logs she'd touched in over a month.

"Your opinion and confidence, as always Tuvok, are highly appreciated."

Her eyes landed on the first line. Kathryn's final good bye to her crew: tomorrow, fourteen hundred hours. The last thing the real Captain Janeway would do before her shadow started leading her crew home. Her heart ached for her double. Kathryn would have go through the same process of grieving her crew, and since they were still living, it would undoubtedly be worse.

Kathryn was asking her crew to abandon her, to leave her behind. She was removing herself from their journey, and she'd have to finish the rest of her life without them. Kate was acutely aware of that pain. It didn't matter if it was a virus or a twist of subspace, any situation where the captain abandoned her crew was unacceptable.

Absentmindedly fingering the space on her collar where her fourth pip had been, Kate sighed and straightened up in her chair. Tuvok was waiting for her to become herself again. They all were.

"We'll get them home."

She owed herself that much.

Kathryn was trying not to cry. Chakotay suspected she would later, and wished he could do something to make it acceptable for her to cry with him there. They were about to start sharing a very small living space, and her emotions, like both of their secrets, were going to be very much with them.

"She'll get them home, Captain," he promised her. Grabbing a crate, he headed towards the shelter, so she didn't have to take the time to respond if she didn't want to.

"Kathryn," she corrected his habit. The tears assaulted her control again and still she fought them back. "I'd much rather you called me Kathryn."

He'd just said good bye to the best home he'd ever had, and he was thrown by the idea of her using her first name. Chakotay's amusement escaped in a chuckle. "That might take awhile."

"We have time," she replied.

Beneath the trace of sarcasm, Chakotay heard the pain. Everyone they'd left behind on Voyager and subsequently lost the chance of seeing when they returned home would haunt them both. He had no doubt Kate would put as much work into getting her crew home as Kathryn would have. Maybe even more, with her history. Losing one ship was unthinkable, losing another--

Her hand touched his shoulder, shocking him out of his thoughts. Kathryn's fingers squeezed tight. She was comforting him.

"I hope you don't mind cooking."

Her smile was somewhere between forced and genuine. She was making an effort to be cheerful, but there was some truth in it. The least he could do was play along.

"I take it we won't live long if I don't?"

"We'll live. Just not well."

He saw the ghost of a smile behind the joke. There was hope there and it would be his new responsibility to kindle it into something Kathryn could live for.

The first time she put it on it felt wrong. The red patches on her shoulders weren't hers anymore. Kate had been wearing the blue long enough that it was part of her identity. Science officers had nothing to prove, only the burden of truth came with a blue uniform.

Kathryn wore red, she was the captain; Voyager and everyone on it was her responsibility. Putting on the red uniform and snapping that damn fourth pip back on her collar meant Voyager was hers. Pulling on her jacket meant assuming that burden. One-hundred-forty-two lives were back on her shoulders and she had to get them home.

She didn't see herself in the mirror in her quarters. Kate saw her, the great Kathryn Janeway, looking like her uniform was too big.

Captains had to lie and stretch the truth and pull the universe together in whatever way kept their crew safe. She would have to fight and claw through the darkness out there until they reached Earth. No matter what it took, or how much it took from her. She'd already lost her own ship, losing this one was unacceptable. The Kathryn down on the planet wouldn't have to suffer that loss. She'd had to be able to count on knowing that her crew would make it home.

Hopefully Chakotay could help her let go.

Kate pulled her hair back, clipping it into a neat, more serviceable than elegant, pony-tail. She couldn't begrudge her other self Chakotay. Kathryn could find her own path, if she stopped being such a self-sacrificial idiot. She and Chakotay could explore something that all three of them had been orbiting slowly.

Mark would expect his fiancé to come home, so Kate would be her. She would greet Kathryn's mother, and hug Kathryn's dog and be everything Kathryn Janeway was expected to be. She'd do it for her because she loved her.

Leaving the reflection of the captain in the mirror, Kate headed down the corridor towards the turbolift. After that was the bridge and as hard as she'd looked in the mirror, the bridge was going to be worse.

She paced in the lift and her feet found none of the answers she wanted. Kate pulled herself together, holding still behind the doors so that when they opened, she'd be ready. Not that she'd ever be ready to have all their eyes on her again, but for Kathryn, she'd fake it. She walk out there and--

"Captain on the bridge."

Tuvok's voice sealed her fate. The chair in the centre of the bridge was hers now and everything else her life had been was second to that.

Sitting up in bed, her back against the headboard he'd made, Kathryn couldn't sleep. Chakotay's observation that she read in bed was accurate. She had trouble falling asleep until her body dragged her under out of necessity. Reading helped, especially when it was the same book over and over when she had the text memorised and could recite it in her sleep.

Sleep wasn't working. Nightmares had been an occasional visitor on Voyager but here she only had cool blackness. Her thoughts were empty, as were her thoughts of the future. Maybe she could find a cure, given years of work and the right amount of luck, but it wasn't likely. She wasn't going home. Well, not her, exactly.

Kate would bring her ship home. She'd walk across the lawn in Indiana and be swept up by her mother. She'd see Molly, find Mark and return to her life. It was Kate's life now: her family, her dog and her fiancé. All the time she'd spent convincing herself that the two of them could somehow share what had been one life; now she understood.

One of them could never go home. One of them belonged elsewhere, and maybe she belonged to the Delta Quadrant. It was where Kate had been born.

Now the Delta Quadrant wanted her.

Leaving the bed, Kathryn grabbed her flashlight from the shelf, pulled her robe on over her nightgown and headed for the door. Opening it and shutting it as quietly as she could, she left the shelter to stand in the dark night around them.

The night hummed with unknown insects and the occasional rustling noise she couldn't place. Kathryn wasn't good with wilderness. She knew what advanced survival training had taught her about finding water and food, and that was what she needed to know. She'd never intended to live in one.

The unfamiliar was oddly comforting. Something would have had to be dreadfully wrong for her to feel this lost on Voyager or at her mother's house in Indiana. Here she was the wanderer, the lost one, and eventually this night would become easier. She be able to put an insect with the high pitched whirr and match one of those little primates to the crunching of leaves in the darkness. She'd adapt, somehow.

Kathryn pulled her robe tighter, shutting out the dampness in the air around her. It smelled like rain, and the water was on the breeze. She should go back inside. Find shelter from the skies before they opened up.

It wasn't a thunderstorm, the air was only slightly heavier than normal. When the rain began to fall, it fell like mist, soaking down slowly. Kathryn looked up at the black sky and cool water came to claim her face. Beyond the clouds were the stars, and somewhere beyond that, her home. As fast as they could, up there, light-years away, Voyager was going home. She was going home.

But she was home, trapped on this planet. Through some bizarre quirk of the universe, she could walk two paths, each as real as the first. Kate was going back to Earth, so Kathryn's mother didn't need her. Mark didn't need her. She would stay. She had put down the weight of Voyager and the lives aboard. They were no longer her responsibility.

The rain was enough to swallow her tears. Though each tear was larger than the droplets from the sky, they faded into the water already on her face. The rain whispered among the leaves and began to fall harder, starting to patter on the metal of the shelter. She should go inside. Her robe was wet through to her skin on her arms and shoulders, and the cold crept deeper within her. There was no bath to run hot and crawl into. The sonic shower would dry her, but she wasn't sure if she'd ever be warm.

She was redundant. The galaxy's punchline to a joke about two captains. One got her crew lost, one watched them die, one would fight to get them home until her heart stopped beating and one had lost that privilege. She'd trapped her crew here, but Kathryn would never see them home. It was over. Done. She had to stop fighting it. Finding a cure for a virus this insidious took real medical doctors years of research and she hadn't even found a sample of the insect that had bitten them. They'd never leave in time to find Voyager. This was their home now, because without the hope of reaching Voyager, one rock in the Delta Quadrant was as good as the next one.

Sinking down, reaching past her cold feet in the wet grass, she sank her fingers into it. Had she ever wanted grass under her feet instead of the deck? Maybe as a vacation, or a trip to her mother's for dinner. She didn't want this forced imprisonment on an empty little planet. The whole universe was out there and she was stuck with rocks, trees and the soil beneath her feet.

If this was her penance, if her entrapment brought her crew home, somehow, she'd gladly pay it. She'd die here if it brought Voyager closer to the families they'd all left behind.

Chakotay was innocent. She'd doomed him with along with herself when she cheerfully brought him along on her away team. Kathryn could still remember smiling at him and teasing him about finding food in the wilderness. He was going to give her a head start.

By the time they'd realised they'd even been bitten, their limbs were shaking and their lips were going blue in Voyager's sickbay. Then their journey was over. This planet was both prison and memorial marker. Here the great Captain Janeway was stopped by an insect on her quest to bring her crew home.

Her chest hurt. Kathryn had her hands balled into fists in the dirt and her legs were starting to go numb beneath her. It was ludicrous to stay out in the rain, but she couldn't face what waited inside the shelter. How many times had they not spoken to each other? How many looks across the dinner table meant far more than either of them could say?

Had he been with her? Had he left her behind?

Chakotay and Kate were friendly. They ate together and spent more of their free time together than Kathryn had to spare. They made a good team. He'd helped Kate find her inner strength again. She smiled when she was with him.

If he was--

She couldn't even entertain the thought. She was grieving Mark with one tear and hating herself for not having Chakotay with the next. Mark was sweet, intelligent, patient; he was a good man.

Chakotay was dangerous. He was the light over the abyss that could draw her in close to the edge. He roused parts of her soul that should have died with Justin, but hadn't. She was the most foolish woman to ever be born, and her heart was set on rectifying it by ending her life. Her heart wanted to die, sobbing, burnt and utterly destroyed by love.

Her mind knew better. Love should be kept neat and tidy, within lines that protected her from herself.

Kate was the one safe. She was the one flying her ship home to Mark's gentle smile, to Molly and their mother.

Kathryn was the one out in the rain, wondering why it wouldn't pour hard enough to wash everything away.

When she finally came back in, Kathryn was soaked to the skin. Even in the weak glow of the night light from their tiny washroom, he could see how her nightgown and robe clung to her body. Chakotay closed his eyes. He had no right to see, as much as he ached to watch her undress. He couldn't invade her privacy. All they had left was each other, and he'd be damned before he ruined it by leering at her.

Kathryn's night clothes sloshed to the floor. He listened to the scrape of a dry towel on damp skin and the slow, tumbling sound of her drying her hair. It would be too wavy tomorrow, and she'd tie it back with that frown that he found irresistibly adorable.

It was bound to a be a long exile if Chakotay spent each day thinking about the things she did. She was something he'd managed to resist on board Voyager because she'd needed him to be her first officer more than she'd needed anything else. She depended on his unconditional support.

He could love her that way, in gesture and glances, because there was no room for anything more. He didn't love Kate in the same way. The darkness she carried was so overwhelming that to offer her more than sincere, friendly affection would have been cruel. She was more his sister and she had his prayers that she'd find her way home and in doing, a way to lighten her heart. That was what he could give her, and neither of them had questioned it.

She wasn't Kathryn, and ignoring his better judgement, Kathryn was the one he loved. Now he was trapped, with her, alone on a beautiful planet in the middle of the Delta Quadrant. The universe had an odd way of providing new challenges.

Chakotay rolled to his back, kept his eyes firmly shut and listened as Kathryn redressed in her other nightgown. Even though he tried his best, his mind guessed what she'd look like and held on to that incredibly pleasant thought as his dreams took it and flew.

"We have to bring them back, Captain."

Harry still made standing at attention so stiff it looked painful.

Kate pulled her feet down from her desk, placed her hands on it instead and looked up at him expectantly.

"Sick of me already Harry?"

"No, Captain."

She smiled at him and earned half of one in return.

"Permission to speak freely, Capt-"

"Three 'captains' in the last two minutes is a little much, Ensign. Even for you." Kate pushed off from the desk, in search of more coffee. "Speak your mind, Harry."

"We haven't left anyone else behind. The other captain and Chakotay are part of this crew. We can't abandon them there, even if those were her- your- orders. We could contact the Vidiians, see if they have a cure. The Doctor's friend, Doctor Pel, she might be able to help us if we ask."

The Vidiians were the stuff of nightmares: half-alive, half-rotting, thieves of life and living flesh. They'd killed Chakotay.

Unable to look at Harry, Kate stared down at the coffee pot in her hand.

Chakotay dived in front of her, knocking her back. He'd saved her and Chakotay had paid with his life. Both of them had been down there on deck fifteen to protect the young man in front of her now. They had to keep Harry alive because this ship needed him. Voyager had to have a Harry Kim, and a Naomi Wildman. They belonged here.

Unlike her.

No matter how well she played the role of captain, or fit in with the crew. She was alive and alone because the Vidiians had killed her Chakotay. She'd watched him die. She'd seen the light fade from his eyes as he looked up at her and smiled because she was safe. He had smiled. She'd thought back then that she would follow him. That she'd be dead too a moment later.

She'd never thought she'd be sitting here, looking at Harry, on the other Voyager where death wasn't an option because they needed her.

"We can save them. We can bring them back home with us. The two of them belong here, with us. If we can save them, Captain, we have to."

"You want me to risk this ship, this crew, to save Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay. Even though, that would be in direct violation of her last order, you want me to risk all of us, to save those two."

"They're part of us. We're a family. We don't leave parts of our family behind." Harry stopped, trembling through his control as he stood before her. "You taught me that, Captain. If anyone can understand how important it is that we save them. It's you."

Kate set down her cup so hard that it shivered on the desk. The liquid inside rolled and splashed up onto her hand. She shook it off, wincing from the heat.

"Enough, Ensign. Enough." Kate held up her hand to stop him. "I'll take it under advisement."

"Captain--"

"Harry, let me think, please." She shook her head and dropped her hands to her hips. She couldn't be two people, not Kate and the captain. The captain had to come first. She lifted her gaze and let it scorch him.

"Under advisement means you are dismissed, Ensign."

The door hissed open and shut as he left. At least Harry had the good sense to do that.

Kate sighed and wiped her hand on her uniform. Picking up her coffee again, she stared at it in disgust. Why did it have to be the Vidiians? Why not the Kazon and that damned traitor Seska? She gulped down her coffee, letting it sting her throat.

How much of a favour was she doing her by pulling Kathryn away from that planet? It wasn't Voyager, but it was quiet, even idyllic. Kathryn would get to lay down her burdens: laugh, even smile. No one but Chakotay needed her, and all he needed was her. He didn't need his captain to put her life between him and the darkness; he wanted her.

Maybe they'd--

In spite of herself, she smirked down at her coffee. Now that was an idea. Maybe one of them was finally having a little fun.

Fingering the fourth pip on her collar, Kate stopped fighting herself and let her decision sink through her. Kathryn and Chakotay were part of this family. If that meant taking them away, and facing down the Vidiians, she had to do it. She was the captain, and that meant the choice was hers and hers alone. They were her crew and she was going to bring them home.

The snap of a broken twig stole her attention, and Kathryn turned from the insect trap in her hand.

Chakotay smiled sheepishly at her. "Sorry."

"Keeping me company today? Or are you bored with your work?" Putting her hands on her hips, she smiled back. There it was again. That electric thrill down her spine ran cold, then burned in her hips.

"I thought I'd do your rounds with you."

Innocent enough. Two people going for a walk. Perfectly normal.

"Must be my lucky day." Kathryn let her smile grow. Shutting the trap, she pointed down the path. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I'm trying to clear my head." Chakotay reached out to move a branch from their way on the little path she followed on her trail from trap to trap.

Ducking beneath it, she shivered when he put his hand on her arm. As they rounded the corner, Chakotay's hand moved around to her back. They were face to face when they came to the next trap.

"Is clearing your head something you needed to do today?"

She was breathing too fast. They had only been walking, but her heart was racing, her hands were starting to sweat and if he kept looking at her like that...

Chakotay sheepishly ran his hand through his hair. "After I almost cut off my thumb with a wood planer, I thought I needed a break."

Glancing down at his hands, Kathryn reached for them before she thought the better of it. Unfortunately, by the time her mind caught up with her hands, she was stroking his fingers. Her mind fell farther behind her body and she leaned closer to him.

"You do so much for us with these hands. Maybe you should be careful with them or at least work on what has you so distracted."

His lips were centimetres away and all she'd have to do was tilt her head.

Chakotay pulled his hand free and lovingly brushed his fingertips across her cheek. Everything had a point of no return. A flashpoint, an event horizon, a point where everything fell away and the only answer was forward. He was ahead of her. He was the singularity and she couldn't have escaped, even if she wanted to.

Her only choice was to kiss him. Stand on her tiptoes and bring her lips to hers before one of them flinched. First was the heat, then the searching pressure of his lips finding hers. She threw her arms around his neck, pulling him close, then closer still.

It had been nearly two years since she'd been kissed. She'd gone longer, but it didn't feel that way this time. She wanted him, more than she'd let herself want anything. Here, in the woods, or back in the cabin, it didn't matter. What mattered was contact: the press of his body against hers and the heat of his tongue. They kept kissing, pushing , exploring; his hand was on her breast when the wind changed. At first, Kathryn thought it was her, then he broke them apart.

"The wind's changing."

Something flashed green and the trees began to rattle. The wind picked up even further and his hand went protectively around her shoulders.

"Some kind of storm, come on."

Chakotay dragged her back, helping her carry the case of samples when the wind grew so strong it half-knocked them over. Stumbling and crawling through the trees, they were helpless as the sky cracked and rumbled above them. Chakotay shouted to her, but she couldn't hear him. She clung to him, frozen in her own fear. They had to drop the case. Tree branches crashed around them and the scrape of wood against the metal shelter screamed through the air.

A clap of thunder and the plasma lightning behind it knocked them both flat to the wet grass. Chakotay covered her with his body, crawled with her into the shelter. In the green flashes of plasma lightning, they made it to the table. He held her, wrapping his arms around her while the sky opened and the air shook around them.

While the plasma storm raged around them, the kiss kept drifting into her mind. The shelter could have been collapsing, or the forest on fire around them, and she'd still have that kiss.

Tuvok knew when she walked out of the ready room. He knew her well enough that he could see her decision in the way she walked. Kate stopped in front of the captain's chair, studying it before she looked across her crew. Her eyes lingered on the faces around her, touching each one.

"We have our orders from the former Captain Janeway. She never wanted us to make contact with the Vidiians and she made that very clear."

Ensign Kim was already disappointed. His gaze dropped back to his console. He did not know the captain as Tuvok did.

"However, I am the captain, and one thing about being the captain is that sometimes you don't have to explain why you make the choices you do, even to the former captain. The way I see it, Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay are two members of this family that we need to bring back into the fold. If we have to contact the Vidiians to do it, then that is what we'll do. Mr. Kim, please begin scanning for Vidian signals. Mr. Paris, the last we've knew, Doctor Pel's ship was headed towards that outlying Vidian colony we passed a few light years back. Let's set a course. Warp six."

Kate circled the bridge, tossing her auburn braid over her shoulder as she passed Ensign Kim's station. He was doing his best not to smile, and he was pleased. It was good for him to be pleased. Kim worked better when he was contented.

She tapped Tuvok's station and she smiled. It was unnecessary and he merely nodded back. It was an illogical choice, but she was the captain, and it was her choice to make. It was consistent with both of the Captain Janeway's he had known to want to keep the crew together.

He had little doubt that she could do it and began to prepare contingency plans in case the Vidiians responded with hostility or greed.

chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four || chapter five