Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness... I need to calculate what creates my own madness...
And I'm addicted to your punishment... and you're the master... and I am waiting for disaster... I feel irrational, so confrontational, to tell the truth I am, getting away with murder, It isn't possible, to ever tell the truth, but the reality is, I am getting away with murder, getting away, getting away, getting away... I'll drink my drink... and I don't even want to... I think my thoughts when, I don't even need to... I never look back... because I don't even want to, and I don't need to... cause I'm getting away with murder... I feel irrational, so confrontational, to tell the truth I am, is I'm getting away with murder, It is impossible, to never tell the truth, but the reality is, that I am getting away with murder, getting away, getting away, getting away, getting away, getting away, getting away, getting away with murder... And somewhere beyond happiness and sadness... I need to calculate... what creates my own madness... and I'm addicted to your punishment... and you're the master... and I am craving this disaster... I feel irrational, so confrontational, to tell the truth, I am getting away with murder, It isn't possible, to ever tell the truth, but the reality is, I am getting away with murder, getting away, getting away, getting away, I feel irrational, so confrontational, to tell the truth I am getting away with murder, It isn't possible, to ever tell the truth, but the reality is, I am getting away with murder...
Papa Roach - Getting Away With Murder
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Well, it has been a little while... a month or so I guess... lets start with the worst, since it explains a lot... I have walked away from Becky and I's relationship... because despite what her father believes, I do not wish to hold her back... Recently her father found out that Becky and Shea have asked me to come up to visit her at Pittsburgh... and despite what I believed, Becky hadn't been having her roommates sign the papers that let me be there... After one of the roommates mothers visited she called Shea's mother... who called Becky's father... made up a ton of lies that I know Shea also had a hand in... and then Becky's dad called Becky and gave her that ultimatum that I be out by the morning ( I was actually there when this occured) or he calls security and has me arressted... gotta love the man... well it doesn't end there... I also found out he threatened to cut the loan he co-signed for Becky so she COULD GO TO SCHOOL... Now, let us think... who is holding her back then?... me?... who has supported her through this, despiting missing her... me who even helped her decide she should go to school in the field she is in, because she will be good at it... or me who has helped her to be herself, without ruling her life or making her include me... All in all, I do think that everything that has happened to her, is my fault... thus after speaking... I asked her to dismiss me... You see I make good on every promise I can humanly do so... in fact, I believe as the ancient samurai... I don't even have to say "I promise"... merely saying "I will" is a promise... I promised her I would never leave her, so I simply used a loophole and asked her to ask me to leave... I am too afraid that her father's blind hatred of me, for reasons I do not know... will result in Becky's future being impeded... now I did break one promise to her... I didn't disappear... as so many girls know I do... I told her if ever she left me I would disappear... well I am still supporting her... I still love her...
Well now that all that is minorly explained... I am now a complete insomniac... no no, nocturnal... I find comfort in darkness... as it stands, I am up when my son is home... asleep when he is not... I get him up and dressed for day care... see him out to the car... come in and go to sleep... I quit Kaufmann's, if that is the question anyone is thinking... I quit due to a harrassment charge I filed being mistreated, and leading to my being harrassed more... Found out why I was harrassed to, the manager wanted to get her friend's son my job... ooops I took it before his lazy ass got up to go to the interview... I always wondered why I was told I didn't need to know what I did... or why knowing so much wasn't needed... I am going to miss working there, but I knew that even if I reported it to HQ... they wouldn't deal with it either... but yes, back to the point... then I am here when he gets home... I feed him, do all that other fun stuff... and play with him... he is my roommate... and probably the only person I can attribute my not feeling completely lonely to...
I am lonely... I am probably depressed... I sit up many nights holding the gift Becky got me for our 2 year annerversary... and crying... I have recently taken to drawing, doing webwork, writing, watching movies, and playing lots of games over and over again... as my ways of trying to cope... I find it difficult to talk to Becky... when all I do is think of how much I miss her... how much I wish things were different... I watch cute little movies... and think "why couldn't things have been that way?"... I fall into the pattern even I said was stupid and ridiculous... "Life in every breathe"... What life?... I have applied at a few places... and not gotten called back... even seasonal stuff... so I've decided to try for school... well the Shea thing ended that... her mother and Becky's father pretty much threatened that if ever I go to PIttsburgh, even if I don't see their daughters or anything... they will call the cops... I know that I could technically get both on emotional/psychological damages, terroristic threats, and slander/liable... but I don't want to bog down the court system any more than it already is... I'd rather just... fuck my life over yet again... oh ironically... I was accepted to a few schools in Pittsburgh... lol funny huh?...
I am so alone... only the darkness and Damien left to comfort me... only Becky and her roommate to really talk to... ah yes... the few good things to come of this... Becky's roommate is a sweetheart... who whole heartidly despises the situation... and likes me... she is an exceptionally great person... I enjoy her a great deal and she intrigues me... She is very very very much like myself... which may not be a great thing ;-)... Well yes... I must go exercise... I have a few more hours till bed... I hope all is well with everyone else... I miss so many of my old friends so much... and I know so many of them are off doing great things... I wish them nothing but the best... well... God bless... later all...
Papa Roach - Getting Away With Murder
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, it has been a little while... a month or so I guess... lets start with the worst, since it explains a lot... I have walked away from Becky and I's relationship... because despite what her father believes, I do not wish to hold her back... Recently her father found out that Becky and Shea have asked me to come up to visit her at Pittsburgh... and despite what I believed, Becky hadn't been having her roommates sign the papers that let me be there... After one of the roommates mothers visited she called Shea's mother... who called Becky's father... made up a ton of lies that I know Shea also had a hand in... and then Becky's dad called Becky and gave her that ultimatum that I be out by the morning ( I was actually there when this occured) or he calls security and has me arressted... gotta love the man... well it doesn't end there... I also found out he threatened to cut the loan he co-signed for Becky so she COULD GO TO SCHOOL... Now, let us think... who is holding her back then?... me?... who has supported her through this, despiting missing her... me who even helped her decide she should go to school in the field she is in, because she will be good at it... or me who has helped her to be herself, without ruling her life or making her include me... All in all, I do think that everything that has happened to her, is my fault... thus after speaking... I asked her to dismiss me... You see I make good on every promise I can humanly do so... in fact, I believe as the ancient samurai... I don't even have to say "I promise"... merely saying "I will" is a promise... I promised her I would never leave her, so I simply used a loophole and asked her to ask me to leave... I am too afraid that her father's blind hatred of me, for reasons I do not know... will result in Becky's future being impeded... now I did break one promise to her... I didn't disappear... as so many girls know I do... I told her if ever she left me I would disappear... well I am still supporting her... I still love her...
Well now that all that is minorly explained... I am now a complete insomniac... no no, nocturnal... I find comfort in darkness... as it stands, I am up when my son is home... asleep when he is not... I get him up and dressed for day care... see him out to the car... come in and go to sleep... I quit Kaufmann's, if that is the question anyone is thinking... I quit due to a harrassment charge I filed being mistreated, and leading to my being harrassed more... Found out why I was harrassed to, the manager wanted to get her friend's son my job... ooops I took it before his lazy ass got up to go to the interview... I always wondered why I was told I didn't need to know what I did... or why knowing so much wasn't needed... I am going to miss working there, but I knew that even if I reported it to HQ... they wouldn't deal with it either... but yes, back to the point... then I am here when he gets home... I feed him, do all that other fun stuff... and play with him... he is my roommate... and probably the only person I can attribute my not feeling completely lonely to...
I am lonely... I am probably depressed... I sit up many nights holding the gift Becky got me for our 2 year annerversary... and crying... I have recently taken to drawing, doing webwork, writing, watching movies, and playing lots of games over and over again... as my ways of trying to cope... I find it difficult to talk to Becky... when all I do is think of how much I miss her... how much I wish things were different... I watch cute little movies... and think "why couldn't things have been that way?"... I fall into the pattern even I said was stupid and ridiculous... "Life in every breathe"... What life?... I have applied at a few places... and not gotten called back... even seasonal stuff... so I've decided to try for school... well the Shea thing ended that... her mother and Becky's father pretty much threatened that if ever I go to PIttsburgh, even if I don't see their daughters or anything... they will call the cops... I know that I could technically get both on emotional/psychological damages, terroristic threats, and slander/liable... but I don't want to bog down the court system any more than it already is... I'd rather just... fuck my life over yet again... oh ironically... I was accepted to a few schools in Pittsburgh... lol funny huh?...
I am so alone... only the darkness and Damien left to comfort me... only Becky and her roommate to really talk to... ah yes... the few good things to come of this... Becky's roommate is a sweetheart... who whole heartidly despises the situation... and likes me... she is an exceptionally great person... I enjoy her a great deal and she intrigues me... She is very very very much like myself... which may not be a great thing ;-)... Well yes... I must go exercise... I have a few more hours till bed... I hope all is well with everyone else... I miss so many of my old friends so much... and I know so many of them are off doing great things... I wish them nothing but the best... well... God bless... later all...