Lady in Waiting
So... my mom pretty much kicked me out yesterday.... and Brandon got like, his 7th speeding ticket about an hour ago :\
We started moving my shit into the apartment.... 30 days ahead of schedule... and still have a TON left.
Anyone wanna spend their Saturday night helping me move?
Do I have any friends that actually love me that much?
(I doubt it.)
Anyway, Brandon and I are at his parent's house, doing laundry... he gave me my key today... and damn.... freedom has never tasted so fucking good.
This is a treacherous road I have ahead of me... we're living together.... sleeping together... and uhhh.... that's about it. "When I'm ready to date someone... you'll know..... because it'll be you."
I seriously hope it is.
Seeing him fuck another girl will be emotionally detremental... however... if he actually commits to someone else.... I'll shatter. Right then and there... into a million fucking pieces. And just like humpty dumpty, no one will be able to piece my fragile parts back together.
.::Sigh::. so yeah, Alex and I picked up right where we left off... which in all honesty, might not be the mistake I thought it was a few days ago. It gives me options, and a little leverage... yes, I know I'm horrible and manipulative, but it's essential for survival. And anyone who disagrees is obviously the fucked, not the fucker. No, I am not mallicious... and harbor absolutely no ill intent... I'm just keeping myself safe... and evening the playing field.
I have no strings attatched, and all the rules of the game have been clearly and thoroughly explained to all the players.
I could think of myself as being alone... but right now, I'm really not. Think about it... I have good, close friends that I care about... and I still get my cuddle time.
After the whole Eddie thing, I'm in absolutely no rush for a commitment.... and if I bound myself to one person, sexually or emotionally, I'd end up in another mind fuck. I don't need that.
Brandon and I still have a lot to learn about eachother, and Alex and I have a lot of trust issues. (IE the whole fat head situation.)
All in all, I could honestly fall madly in love with Brandon... and almost started to...
And with Alex... Like Luke, I somehow doubt that Alex is capable of true human emotions. I've only ever felt like a piece of meat to him. Maybe it's because we've been friends for so long, and I can't fathom him having feelings for me... but then again, as long as I have known Alex, I've never seen him in love. He says he's been there... and he may think he has... but I doubt it. I'm not ripping on him... just giving an honest opinion.
This is a true test of strength for me... the question is, will I be strong enough to handle Brandon bringing random girls over? And yeah, the walls are paper thin. On the same note, he's faced with the same thing... we've talked, and we know we'll both be jealous... but frustration/jealousy is much easier to overcome than the pain that accompanys.
For the first time in my life, I actually don't want to play the 'what if' game. I'm going to sit back, relax, take my time, and see what happens. I'm not even going to try to play my cards right, I'm just going to accept whatever fate has in store for me.
Well, I'm out... I'll write more, later... if I have the chance to.
(We don't get internet or cable untill the 17th.)
If you desperately need to get a hold of me, call my house and ask for Link's number.
We started moving my shit into the apartment.... 30 days ahead of schedule... and still have a TON left.
Anyone wanna spend their Saturday night helping me move?
Do I have any friends that actually love me that much?
(I doubt it.)
Anyway, Brandon and I are at his parent's house, doing laundry... he gave me my key today... and damn.... freedom has never tasted so fucking good.
This is a treacherous road I have ahead of me... we're living together.... sleeping together... and uhhh.... that's about it. "When I'm ready to date someone... you'll know..... because it'll be you."
I seriously hope it is.
Seeing him fuck another girl will be emotionally detremental... however... if he actually commits to someone else.... I'll shatter. Right then and there... into a million fucking pieces. And just like humpty dumpty, no one will be able to piece my fragile parts back together.
.::Sigh::. so yeah, Alex and I picked up right where we left off... which in all honesty, might not be the mistake I thought it was a few days ago. It gives me options, and a little leverage... yes, I know I'm horrible and manipulative, but it's essential for survival. And anyone who disagrees is obviously the fucked, not the fucker. No, I am not mallicious... and harbor absolutely no ill intent... I'm just keeping myself safe... and evening the playing field.
I have no strings attatched, and all the rules of the game have been clearly and thoroughly explained to all the players.
I could think of myself as being alone... but right now, I'm really not. Think about it... I have good, close friends that I care about... and I still get my cuddle time.
After the whole Eddie thing, I'm in absolutely no rush for a commitment.... and if I bound myself to one person, sexually or emotionally, I'd end up in another mind fuck. I don't need that.
Brandon and I still have a lot to learn about eachother, and Alex and I have a lot of trust issues. (IE the whole fat head situation.)
All in all, I could honestly fall madly in love with Brandon... and almost started to...
And with Alex... Like Luke, I somehow doubt that Alex is capable of true human emotions. I've only ever felt like a piece of meat to him. Maybe it's because we've been friends for so long, and I can't fathom him having feelings for me... but then again, as long as I have known Alex, I've never seen him in love. He says he's been there... and he may think he has... but I doubt it. I'm not ripping on him... just giving an honest opinion.
This is a true test of strength for me... the question is, will I be strong enough to handle Brandon bringing random girls over? And yeah, the walls are paper thin. On the same note, he's faced with the same thing... we've talked, and we know we'll both be jealous... but frustration/jealousy is much easier to overcome than the pain that accompanys.
For the first time in my life, I actually don't want to play the 'what if' game. I'm going to sit back, relax, take my time, and see what happens. I'm not even going to try to play my cards right, I'm just going to accept whatever fate has in store for me.
Well, I'm out... I'll write more, later... if I have the chance to.
(We don't get internet or cable untill the 17th.)
If you desperately need to get a hold of me, call my house and ask for Link's number.