(no subject)
written 6/11
i am going to try toi start here for completion. i have decided that there is no betterr ending than a sad fucked up start. i need to remember to keep vulgar language to a minimum but thnen again vulgarity can be used to create something beautiful in that ironic artistic sense. but vulgarity must be kept to a minimum for the sake of emphasis i no longer want my words to resemble that little boy who cried wolf. i want every aspect of my life accounted for w/ reality w/ something pofg substance w/ something tangible. it's hard relying on something you can't trust....ie yourself. mysxelf. i do believe that even this whole third person concept was....is? a way of escaping. it was never me. angela. i. me. being part of a whole. so how am i supposed to ween myself into the world in which everyone else lives in. logically i was always a part of your world but you were never a part of mine at least not in my sense of "realism" at the time. i wish this had the capability to flow more coherently but "self sabotage" isn't the right word but it's the first which comes to mind. take that as you may. i can no longer escape into myself w/ synthetic/and or natural substances....they have proven their lack of necessity. if i really wanted to i could choose addiction. because addicts have "control". they inadverdently know what their ultimate demise will be. their choice of habit. it's a crutch. i had....have many.
writen today
i am 173.5, not as bad as i thought. need to work on it. today was a semi good day. i ate 200 cals at most and then a shit load of sandia. i didn't smoke today. i think that's why. i just took 4 tylenol pm so i am hoping that will put me to sleep.
i am going to try toi start here for completion. i have decided that there is no betterr ending than a sad fucked up start. i need to remember to keep vulgar language to a minimum but thnen again vulgarity can be used to create something beautiful in that ironic artistic sense. but vulgarity must be kept to a minimum for the sake of emphasis i no longer want my words to resemble that little boy who cried wolf. i want every aspect of my life accounted for w/ reality w/ something pofg substance w/ something tangible. it's hard relying on something you can't trust....ie yourself. mysxelf. i do believe that even this whole third person concept was....is? a way of escaping. it was never me. angela. i. me. being part of a whole. so how am i supposed to ween myself into the world in which everyone else lives in. logically i was always a part of your world but you were never a part of mine at least not in my sense of "realism" at the time. i wish this had the capability to flow more coherently but "self sabotage" isn't the right word but it's the first which comes to mind. take that as you may. i can no longer escape into myself w/ synthetic/and or natural substances....they have proven their lack of necessity. if i really wanted to i could choose addiction. because addicts have "control". they inadverdently know what their ultimate demise will be. their choice of habit. it's a crutch. i had....have many.
writen today
i am 173.5, not as bad as i thought. need to work on it. today was a semi good day. i ate 200 cals at most and then a shit load of sandia. i didn't smoke today. i think that's why. i just took 4 tylenol pm so i am hoping that will put me to sleep.