Doesn't anyone ever stay awake all night?
It's weird. No matter where I go, even if it's mostly inhabited by people who live halfway across the world, it's hard to do anything interesting in the middle of the night. (Unless you happen to be lucky enough to have someone to do kinky stuff with all night long. And a BED. And a bedROOM.)
Maybe the problem is never having anything to do, thus no particular time I have to do it. So I just sit around online hoping something interesting comes along, and if it doesn't, well there's always solitaire. (My aunt used to bitch about me never going downstairs unless the comp was broken or the internet wasn't working. She never seemed to realize it had a lot more to do with not wanting to put up with all the arguments they're always having down there than with my useless obsessions.)
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have a life. To be happily married (does that happen anymore?!), maybe have some kids and pets (or maybe just pets), go see a movie or out to eat once in a while, stuff like that. Or maybe to be single and have friends to hang out with like all the college kids do, maybe sometimes partying with people I can stand when we're sober, maybe sometimes just sitting around drinking coffee and malebashing. And then I get scared. I think well shit that'd require a job, tax forms, doing laundry, cleaning the house once in a while, and all that crap I can get away with not doing for the time being. Why is it always the details that get in the way? Why am I so afraid of that shit anyway? Everyone else seems to do it ok and it doesn't kill them. Sometimes I think I'm just lazy, sometimes I think I'm shallow enough to only want to do something if it's fun. But why does it scare me though? I can understand going ugh, that's what everyone else does from time to time, but when it comes down to it I just get freaked out by the very idea of all the minutae of a "normal" life.
Maybe I don't wanna hafta find out if I'm not good enough to live up to my own standards. Or, for that matter, anyone else's. Maybe I'm afraid of losing myself in the big confusing capitalist society we live in. Maybe I'm afraid of being like the doctor who works 80 hours a week and dies at the age of 40 from too much stress, or the exercise nut who keels over dead on the Nordic Track. Maybe it's a little bit of all of them.
And then...maybe I'm afraid of being like everyone else. I'm not sure how laundry threatens my individuality, but it seems like every little chunk of my life I spend doing something everyone else does is one less chunk I spend doing something original. I think I spend a lot of time going hey look at me, this is who I am, and I'm damn proud of (most of) it. And the simple fact is most people don't give a damn. No one would give a shit who George Bush was as a person if he wasn't the President. I want to be noticed, I want to connect with people as me rather than some prefabricated non-personality. I don't want someone to be able to confuse me with their friend Joe because there's so few aspects in either personality that stand out.
And what does all this have to do with jobs and tax forms and laundry and everything else? I have no idea.
Maybe the problem is never having anything to do, thus no particular time I have to do it. So I just sit around online hoping something interesting comes along, and if it doesn't, well there's always solitaire. (My aunt used to bitch about me never going downstairs unless the comp was broken or the internet wasn't working. She never seemed to realize it had a lot more to do with not wanting to put up with all the arguments they're always having down there than with my useless obsessions.)
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have a life. To be happily married (does that happen anymore?!), maybe have some kids and pets (or maybe just pets), go see a movie or out to eat once in a while, stuff like that. Or maybe to be single and have friends to hang out with like all the college kids do, maybe sometimes partying with people I can stand when we're sober, maybe sometimes just sitting around drinking coffee and malebashing. And then I get scared. I think well shit that'd require a job, tax forms, doing laundry, cleaning the house once in a while, and all that crap I can get away with not doing for the time being. Why is it always the details that get in the way? Why am I so afraid of that shit anyway? Everyone else seems to do it ok and it doesn't kill them. Sometimes I think I'm just lazy, sometimes I think I'm shallow enough to only want to do something if it's fun. But why does it scare me though? I can understand going ugh, that's what everyone else does from time to time, but when it comes down to it I just get freaked out by the very idea of all the minutae of a "normal" life.
Maybe I don't wanna hafta find out if I'm not good enough to live up to my own standards. Or, for that matter, anyone else's. Maybe I'm afraid of losing myself in the big confusing capitalist society we live in. Maybe I'm afraid of being like the doctor who works 80 hours a week and dies at the age of 40 from too much stress, or the exercise nut who keels over dead on the Nordic Track. Maybe it's a little bit of all of them.
And then...maybe I'm afraid of being like everyone else. I'm not sure how laundry threatens my individuality, but it seems like every little chunk of my life I spend doing something everyone else does is one less chunk I spend doing something original. I think I spend a lot of time going hey look at me, this is who I am, and I'm damn proud of (most of) it. And the simple fact is most people don't give a damn. No one would give a shit who George Bush was as a person if he wasn't the President. I want to be noticed, I want to connect with people as me rather than some prefabricated non-personality. I don't want someone to be able to confuse me with their friend Joe because there's so few aspects in either personality that stand out.
And what does all this have to do with jobs and tax forms and laundry and everything else? I have no idea.