THE VERY SEKRIT DIARIES OF SHABBY ALONE-SO.
Are you there God? It’s me, Xabi.
It’s been 214 days, 5,136 hours, 308,160 minutes or 18,489,600 seconds since I left England and in all honesty diary, I can’t take it. I am trying so hard to make this work but there is nothing but a deep chasm in my heart that is forever Liverpool. I am reading up on Eternal Return and the idea makes my heart heavy with sadness. The cyclic revolution of the universe, with its limited state coinciding with the steady marching on of time means that I will have to endure this depression over and over and over again.
As Nietzsche states, “Now, however long a time may pass, according to the eternal laws governing the combinations of this eternal play of repetition, all configurations which have previously existed on this earth must yet meet, attract, repulse, kiss, and corrupt each other again...”
I cannot cope with this.
It may look, to the passive, unassuming viewer on my life that I am happy. You may look at pictures of me hugging and cherishing my current teammates and appearing happy and at one with my family on the streets of Madrid. But only you dear diary, know my inner torment. It simply cannot be endured. But yet it must be. Facades must be maintained, and true feelings must be repressed, and instead I must content myself with looking at pictures of my beloved and our team on Daylife and GettyImages and wishing, praying, hoping that I was still there.
Sigh.