In The Cold Light Of Morning_
After some thought... slight as it may be... Im confused to the fact that I complicate my life needlessly. Or maybe in a purposeful semi-ignorant manner. Now Im hardly the person to act selfish, Im grateful for everything and everybody in my life, even though now and again I deal with difficulties surrounding such oddly , its what keeps me sane. It's about time I start getting what I want (or even need) for a change. Not that Im declaring im bitter, dear me no, but mearly tossing caution to wind of wearing my heart on my sleave. Putting others first has been something along the lines of a mission statement for sometime in my life. Though recieveing nothing in return (that I really wasnt expecting) has taken a bit of a toll on my well being. Usually I'd become sad for a time in such situations and people would'nt even catch a glimpse of it as I act quite jovial in dealing with said situations. Not sure if thats even healthy to shrug off the bad all the time. Almost tired of sacrificing for others ... I just want to walk on by without feeling so goddamn guilty for doing something that makes ME happy. Never thought it'd be so hard.... maybe its not... I do tend to overreact and take things for what they arent. But I do lie to myself quite often.
Change.
Yes I want change.I actually welcome it for once. But I am the onlyone keeping me at a standstill as other such cercumstances could've been avoided or delt with. I say this because I really dont like blaming other people for my shortcommings for I could always do better, which sometimes isnt the case.
*sigh*
I want to move. Not really start over... not really run away. Thats beyond me. Just seperate from certin factors in my life, I believe that would be the only way really. Cant go back to California anymore, that opprotunity has come and gone. I was always thinking that my well being would come from my good intentions and patience for the future. Yet... thats not working out... I get fucked over and used and to some degree I let it and smile with blind optimism of a new day's promises. Only my actions will exact what I need
And I am finally realizing this. (you always knew)
why did it take so long? ( to act on it?)
I very rarely lie to others ... I'd most likely not even say anything... which is probibly best.
But ... Im tired of lying to myself... it hurts too much, and most dont even notice ...
Now it's terribly late, Im not sure exactly why I wrote this at this moment... Im exausted though ...
but it must be said.
for all the bad, for all the situations, for all that I should deserve ...
I declare
My ...
_Year Of Revenge_
Change.
Yes I want change.I actually welcome it for once. But I am the onlyone keeping me at a standstill as other such cercumstances could've been avoided or delt with. I say this because I really dont like blaming other people for my shortcommings for I could always do better, which sometimes isnt the case.
*sigh*
I want to move. Not really start over... not really run away. Thats beyond me. Just seperate from certin factors in my life, I believe that would be the only way really. Cant go back to California anymore, that opprotunity has come and gone. I was always thinking that my well being would come from my good intentions and patience for the future. Yet... thats not working out... I get fucked over and used and to some degree I let it and smile with blind optimism of a new day's promises. Only my actions will exact what I need
And I am finally realizing this. (you always knew)
why did it take so long? ( to act on it?)
I very rarely lie to others ... I'd most likely not even say anything... which is probibly best.
But ... Im tired of lying to myself... it hurts too much, and most dont even notice ...
Now it's terribly late, Im not sure exactly why I wrote this at this moment... Im exausted though ...
but it must be said.
for all the bad, for all the situations, for all that I should deserve ...
I declare
My ...
_Year Of Revenge_