moving on
I've heard from many that the most drastic changes in one's self occur the first year you live away from home. I am creating a new journal to hopefully chart the direction I am heading. I am moving. The flights are booked for September 3rd, I move into residence on the 4th and after a couple days of orientation and traditional "froshing", classes will begin on the 7th. I am excited, anxious, and nervous to be moving away. In some ways I feel as if I'm leaving so much behind, yet at the same time I feel like I have nothing here to hold on to.
I've been preparing myself for this move for four years. Even before high school I knew I wanted to go away for university. Laurentian never fit me well, at no point did I ever consider it an option for me. It was my full intention to, by any means, make it possible for me to go away for school. I wanted to get away from Sudbury and all its familiarity. I knew I wanted to get away from the safety net of friendships that have since disintegrated before my eyes. In so many ways my life is so different from this time last year. I've grown a lot, my priorities changed, as did my perspective on a lot of things: life, relationships, friens, family, my self identity, and who I thought I was. It seems weird looking back, how I used to see things, how I approached people. In some ways things are better, a lot better than they were before, but nothing is refined yet - I still have ways to go. Things will continue to change, that's the way life is.
It's hard for me to be excited about moving without getting heavy-hearted about Mark. I've grown so close to Mark, in some ways I feel so attached to him. There is something missing though and I believe it is conscious. Before we started dating, we had our fate decided. I can't say that I love him, and believe every idea of the word. I didn't let myself fall in love with him, though I believe I very well could have. Practically speaking, 2000 miles for 4+ years is too far and long for a 5 month relationship to survive. It's not that I wouldn't trust him, I wouldn't trust myself. I've learned so much about myself by being with him. It's hard to be with him now, how intimate we are when we're together, and know that this is a relationship on a stopwatch. I haven't let myself worry about the end of the summer, I want to enjoy the last month with him for what it is, and forget how hard it will be to lose him.
I've been preparing myself for this move for four years. Even before high school I knew I wanted to go away for university. Laurentian never fit me well, at no point did I ever consider it an option for me. It was my full intention to, by any means, make it possible for me to go away for school. I wanted to get away from Sudbury and all its familiarity. I knew I wanted to get away from the safety net of friendships that have since disintegrated before my eyes. In so many ways my life is so different from this time last year. I've grown a lot, my priorities changed, as did my perspective on a lot of things: life, relationships, friens, family, my self identity, and who I thought I was. It seems weird looking back, how I used to see things, how I approached people. In some ways things are better, a lot better than they were before, but nothing is refined yet - I still have ways to go. Things will continue to change, that's the way life is.
It's hard for me to be excited about moving without getting heavy-hearted about Mark. I've grown so close to Mark, in some ways I feel so attached to him. There is something missing though and I believe it is conscious. Before we started dating, we had our fate decided. I can't say that I love him, and believe every idea of the word. I didn't let myself fall in love with him, though I believe I very well could have. Practically speaking, 2000 miles for 4+ years is too far and long for a 5 month relationship to survive. It's not that I wouldn't trust him, I wouldn't trust myself. I've learned so much about myself by being with him. It's hard to be with him now, how intimate we are when we're together, and know that this is a relationship on a stopwatch. I haven't let myself worry about the end of the summer, I want to enjoy the last month with him for what it is, and forget how hard it will be to lose him.