Human Qualities - Parks and Rec - 3/?
Title: Human Qualities
Author: modernxxmyth
Rating: PG-13 (NC-17 in future parts)
Fandom: Parks and Recreation
Pairing: Ben/Leslie, April/Andy, Ben/April friendship
Warnings: Language?
Notes: This is a big one. Hope you enjoy!
Word Count: ~4700
Summary: Set after 4.01 I Am Leslie Knope. After the break-up, Ben decides he'll never be able to move on from Leslie if he stays in Pawnee and chooses to move back to Indianapolis. (P.S. Don't worry, they're still endgame.)
Chapter One. Chapter Two.
Chapter Three
When Ben got to the Snakehole Lounge two and a half hours later, the place was completely decked out in Entertainment 720 swag. There was a banner above the 'Snakehole Lounge' sign that said, "Tonight's festivities brought to you by ENTERTAINMENT 720, your one-shot multimedia conglomerate!"
He took a moment to wonder exactly what it was that Tom's company actually did.
Ben shrugged and headed inside the club, unsurprised to find it crowded and full of loud music.
"BENJAMIN!" a lanky looking guy ran up to him. After a few moments, Ben placed him as Tom's best friend/business partner.
"Jean-Ralphio, right?"
"That's right, my man, that's right, and thanks for remembering. I hear you're moving!"
"Yep," Ben nodded, shifting uncomfortably. "Indianapolis."
"Oh, shit!" Jean-Ralphio exclaimed. "You're moving to Indy? I love Indianapolis. I once dated a woman from Indy. She was crazy good in the sack. Missing a few teeth, though."
Ben blanched. "Uh…great. I'm going to go grab a beer, alright?"
"No problem, my man, you go get yourself a drink. This is your big night."
He'd only been at the bar for a moment before Donna was beside him, handing him a shot.
Ben accepted the drink and frowned. "Um…thanks?"
"We've got to get this party going, Wyatt," she explained. "C'mon," she gestured to his shot, holding up her own, "Let's do this."
Donna downed hers with an easy smirk.
Ben coughed and spluttered. "Dear lord, what was that?"
"Absinthe," she told him in a no-nonsense voice.
"WHAT?"
"Geez, Ben, relax, it wasn't really absinthe. Did that shot look green to you? Did I give you a sugar cube? It was Patron. Clearly the likes of that fine liquor was wasted on you. Now why don't you sip on your Miller Light there," she said the name with clear disdain, "while I order myself a double whisky and you and I have a little talk."
"Is that really…do we need to…I think Tom wants you," Ben tried in a move of panic.
Donna glanced in Tom's direction, where he was clearly hitting on a group of at least five young women.
"You know, Wyatt, I highly doubt that's true. So why don't you tell me about why you're moving? And why so abruptly?"
Ben shrugged. "It was just time for a change. And my old boss has some job opportunities up there for me."
"Uh huh," she replied in a skeptical voice. "Alright, Wyatt, you don't have to tell me the real reason if you don't want to. I get it. I'm sure you have your reasons. But we're gonna miss you around here. Especially Leslie. I know you guys are close."
He felt himself nodding robotically.
"Don't be a stranger, alright? Come visit. Oh, and you owe me a dance later. Get ready."
An expression of fear flickered across his face as Donna walked away, making her way to the VIP shareholder section of the club.
Ben was half-way through his Miller when he spotted Leslie walking into the club.
She looked beautiful.
Beautiful, but sad.
She had a wide smile on her face, waving and greeting everyone in sight, but it was all clearly for show. Clear to him, at least. Ben knew what a genuine Leslie Knope smile looked like, and that certainly wasn't it.
Ann was right next to her, glued to her side. She whispered something into Leslie's ear, who looked serious for a moment and then nodded resolutely.
She met his eyes from across the room. She didn't smile.
Ben swallowed. He didn't break eye contact.
It was like they were frozen in place in their opposite sides of the club.
"Hey man!" Jean-Ralphio grabbed him by the shoulders, breaking his connection with Leslie. When Ben turned his head to look at her again, she'd disappeared somewhere into the crowd.
"Uh, hi," Ben replied, shaking himself.
"Do you want me to write a rap about your name?"
Ben blinked and shook his head. "I'm good."
"Alright, man, maybe later, maybe later. Can I get you another drink? How about some Snakejuice?"
Ben's eyes widened. "No thanks, man. Not tonight. I think I'm going to stick with my beer for now."
April showed up with Andy in tow a few minutes later.
"Hey loser," she greeted him when she approached the bar. "Buy me a drink?"
Ben squinted at her. "Shouldn't it be the other way around? It's my party."
She gave him a death stare.
"Triple whisky, neat," he ordered from the bartender a moment later.
"Oh, dude!" Andy exclaimed. "Are you buying us drinks? That's so cool of you. Can I have a jack and coke?"
Ben sighed and ordered him the drink.
"Dude, you're the best roommate ever, I'm gonna miss you so much. You were way better to live with than Burly. He might be moving back in now that you're leaving. He's okay, but he's not gonna pay as much in rent, and he doesn't have as much stuff, so the house is gonna be really empty. But you're gonna come back and visit, right? You can sleep on the couch! I'd offer you the bed, but there's only really enough room for me and April in there, you know? But you've fallen asleep on the couch before, you know it's super comfy. That's why we like to have sex on it."
Ben closed his eyes and willed the images away.
"Thanks for the offer," he replied.
The bartender handed Andy and April their drinks and passed Ben another Miller Light.
Ben turned to April. "Ready to admit you're going to miss me?"
She shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips that she didn't seem to notice. "No, but I am going to miss conning you out of money. Maybe we'll take a cab to Indy for a long weekend and make you pay for cab fare as soon as we get there."
"Yeah, that's not happening."
"Sure it's not," she told him.
An hour or so passed, everyone drinking and chatting and dancing. Donna approached him during his third beer and dragged a very terrified Ben towards the dance floor.
Ann intercepted them.
Ben wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"I need to talk to you," she told him seriously.
Donna quirked an eyebrow. "Off you go, Wyatt. Take of yo' business."
He sighed and followed Ann to a back corner of the room, away from the crowd.
Ann crossed her arms, an angry expression on her face. "You need to talk to Leslie."
"I do?"
She punched him in the arm. Hard. He was pretty sure it was going to bruise.
"Ouch! Good lord. Okay! I know I do. I want…I want to say goodbye."
Ann sighed. "You're being an idiot, you know. This whole leaving thing? You're going to regret it. You're hurting her, Ben. That's not okay."
"I know," he whispered. "I don't…god, I don't want to hurt her. But staying here…I can't do it. I can't see her all the time like this. It's hurting me. She has so much in Pawnee without me. She's running for her dream job! She's going to be fine without me."
Ann shook her head sadly. "She's not."
Ben gave her a small, self-deprecating smile. "She'll be fine. She's tough. She can do anything. This sucks right now, but she'll be fine."
"You really don't get it, do you?"
He frowned. "Get what?"
"That she loves you."
Ben's breathing hitched. "Did she…did she tell you that?"
"She didn't have to."
He looked at the ground. "Whether or not that's true…I still have to go. We still can't be together, and I can't be here anymore."
"At least say goodbye to her," she told him. "You owe her that much."
"I was planning to."
"Good. Try not to become an even bigger jackass while you're in Indianapolis, Ben."
Ben let out a choked sound - a cross between a laugh and a sob. "I'll do my best."
* * *
"Hey," Ben greeted Leslie an hour later, sitting down next to her at a table.
"Hi," she replied quietly.
"Can I…um…can I talk to you?" he asked, awkwardly stuttering through the words.
"Yeah, of course."
"I just," Ben started, "I wanted to say…that I'm really going to miss you."
"I'm sorry that I make you feel like you have to leave."
"Don't…Leslie, don't be sorry. It's not your fault."
"How is it not my fault? You're leaving because of me!"
"But that doesn't make it your fault! It's just…it just is. It's self-preservation, Leslie."
"And you need to preserve yourself from me?"
"Well…honestly, yes. Not in a bad way! Not in an 'it's your fault' way. Just in an 'I can't get over you if I keep seeing you all the time' kind of way. I don't want you to blame yourself or anything. It's not your fault at all. It's just…it's just the situation we've been put in. It makes things difficult."
Leslie snorted with derision. "Yeah, I'd say so."
Ben cracked a smile. "Are we…okay?"
"Yeah!" she replied instantly, overly-bright and too enthusiastic.
"Really?" he asked skeptically.
Leslie's expression softened to something a little more honest and sad. "Well…I want us to be."
"So do I. It's part of why I'm leaving."
Leslie pursed her lips. "I don't understand."
"Leslie…if I stay here…I'm just going to end up resenting you. And that is the absolute last thing you could ever deserve. Especially from me. I don't want that to happen. It's not fair to you, not when you've done nothing wrong. You have a dream. That's amazing. I am so happy for you. I'm so…proud of you."
She covered a choked sob with a cough.
Ben continued, "I want you to have it all. You deserve it. But staying here and watching you get it while I can't be with you? It will just lead me to resent you. And I really, really don't want that."
She nodded and pressed her lips into a thin line. "I get that."
"Yeah?" he asked with a little too much hope.
"Yeah," she agreed, grudgingly. "Doesn't mean I like it, though."
A tiny smile played on Ben's lips. "I didn't expect you to."
Leslie smiled sadly and nodded. "Friends, right?"
"Friends," he agreed.
Ben stood up and started to head towards the bar.
"Don't be a stranger, Mr. Mayor!" Leslie called after him.
He thought he might feel tears welling up in his eyes when his head whipped around and he flashed her a grin.
* * *
Ben was drunk.
He actually wasn't quite sure how it had happened.
It had only been an hour since his conversation with Leslie, and he'd been feeling fairly sober then.
But right after he left, Leslie, Tom, Jean-Ralphio, and Donna found him and seemed to have it in their heads that his going away party required that he also get hammered. They were buying him shots right and left, and they did not seem to take no for an answer.
Moral of the story, Ben was a bit sloshed.
Okay, more than a bit.
"You look like an idiot," April told him, approaching him while he was bopping his head to the music.
"Thanks," he replied easily, loosening his skinny tie.
"Give me that shot," she instructed. "You clearly don't need it."
He handed her the shot of whisky Donna had just passed his way.
"Hey!" Donna exclaimed. "That was for the beanpole over there."
"He didn't need it. He's already going to be so hungover tomorrow that we'll be cleaning puke off his carpet for weeks."
Donna looked disgusted. "Suit yourself. I'll just go find myself a man to dance with."
"Where's Andy?" Ben asked April as soon as Donna left, grabbing a guy Ben had never seen's hand and dragging him off to the dance floor.
"He's talking to Leslie," April replied dryly. She took the shot of whisky without a wince.
Ben looked around the club and spotted them over on a couch with Ann, laughing, and clutching mixed drinks. Chris soon joined them and sat down next to Andy, joining in on whatever their conversation was about.
"Oh," Ben said stupidly.
April rolled her eyes. "You talked to her earlier, right?"
He nodded silently.
"Is she okay?"
Ben looked at her curiously. April was openly concerned about someone. Maybe she'd had more to drink he realized.
He shrugged. "I think? I mean, she's not pleased with the situation, but…she's tough. It won't phase her for long."
April shook her head but said nothing.
"You're going to regret it," she told him.
"What?" Ben asked.
"Moving," she clarified with a roll of her eyes. "You're going to regret it."
He pursed his lips. "Maybe. But I need to do this."
"Andy is going to miss you," she told him for the second time that week.
"Yeah?" he asked with a hint of a smile.
"Yeah."
"I'm going to miss Andy, too."
April snagged the beer sitting next to him. "C'mon," she told him, grabbing his hand and forcefully dragging him. "We're joining them."
Ben trailed behind her, albeit a bit unwillingly.
April plopped down next to Andy, dragging Ben along with her, to where he was seated in between her and Chris.
Ann gave him a displeased look when their eyes met, and Leslie gave him a tiny smile.
Chris grabbed his attention by putting his hand on Ben's shoulder, telling him how sincerely and intensely he was going to miss him, starting a tangent about the new cleanse he was on, and telling him about his new hot yoga teacher. Ben tuned him out.
Ben watched Ann whisper something in Leslie's ear, and Leslie nodded. Ann left the area and headed to the bar, presumably getting them some more drinks.
She returned a few minutes later, Tom in tow, carrying a couple shots. Tom was holding two beers. Apparently they were both for Ann and Leslie because as soon as they downed the shots, Ann had taken the beers from Tom's hands, thanked him, and passed one to Leslie.
Andy struck up a conversation with Ben a few minutes later, and he was nice and distracted for the next half hour. People were starting to call it quits and deciding to go home when Ben chose to use the bathroom. Just as he was coming out of the restroom door, he froze. Leslie was standing outside the ladies room, presumably waiting in line.
Leslie's eyes widened in surprise. "Uh…hi."
Ben blinked, readjusting to the lighting in the club. "Hi."
"I'm drunk," Leslie blurted at him. "Um. Hah. I don't even know why I told you that. I'm just really drunk. Ann kept buying me drunks. Drinks," she corrected herself. "Ann's not buying me drunks. That could be considered human trafficking."
"It's okay," said Ben with a confused frown. "I'm drunk, too. There are two of you."
He pointed back and forth between the air and Leslie.
"You're both very attractive," Ben added.
"You should…you should sit down," Leslie told him in what seemed to be an attempt at a no-nonsense voice but in actuality was just sort of an adorable slur.
He shook his head quickly. "I'm good. I'll just…I'll lean up against the wall right here."
Ben took a few steps backwards and leaned against the nearest wall, a couple feet from where Leslie was waiting in line. He stumbled slightly.
Leslie giggled. "Are you okay?"
"I'm good! I'm good."
"You're good?" she asked in a teasing voice.
"I'm good," he nodded, grinning at her.
She laughed a little breathlessly, eyes bright and shiny, smile wide. Then she seemed to realize herself, and she looked at the floor.
"Leslie…" Ben whispered heavily, the tone of the conversation taking a quick turn.
"Don't," she said quietly. "Don't do the whole…just…"
She took a step towards him and continued, "Just…"
She was only a few inches away from him now.
Ben leaned forward at the same time as Leslie, and their lips met in a frantic, desperate kiss. He grabbed at her hair, pouring himself into the kiss, and she clutched at his shirt and at his tie, bunching it in her fists in an effort to bring him closer to her.
He spun them around, changing their places, and pinned her against the wall, kissing her deeply. Leslie's hands were fisted in his hair, and his hands were on her hips, drawing her close.
Just as things were starting to really get heated, the women's bathroom door opened.
They broke apart quickly, trying to put some space between them, but it was for nothing.
Donna was standing next to them with comically wide eyes, raised eyebrows, and a knowing expression on her face.
Then she laughed. "Okay then," was all she said, with a shrug of her shoulders.
Leslie buried her face in her hands.
"Listen, Donna…" Ben started.
But she waved her hand in front of herself, cutting him off. "I got it, Wyatt. I won't tell anyone. Y'all already know it would be a scandal."
Donna gave him a once over. "But you should probably fix your tie. And a few of your shirt buttons."
She looked at Leslie, who had finally raised her head from her hands. "And your hair, girl. "
Leslie nodded.
"I'm getting another drink before last call," Donna told them. "You guys make yourselves presentable."
She wandered off.
Ben and Leslie looked at each other, a bit guiltily.
"I'm sorry," Leslie apologized.
"No, I'm sorry," he replied with a shake of his head. "I shouldn't have…well. You know."
"Yeah," she agreed. "Me too."
Ben adjusted his tie, and Leslie smoothed down her hair.
She gestured to the bathroom, "Um…I should…"
He nodded. "Yeah. I'll, uh…I'll see you later."
Leslie entered the bathroom, and Ben took a deep, calming breath. He ran a hand through his hair, smoothed out his shirt, and headed towards the bar, shaking himself.
He sat down on a barstool and requested a water from the bartender, thinking he'd certainly had more than enough alcohol for the evening.
April sat down next to him, giving him an unnerving stare.
Ben sighed and swallowed a gulp of his water after the bartender passed it to him.
She gave him a weary look. "Either you've decided to make some life changes and start wearing lipstick within the last ten minutes, or you just made out with Leslie in the bathroom."
He frowned. "We weren't in the bathroom."
She rolled her eyes. "Fine, near the bathroom."
He shrugged, not knowing what to say.
"That wasn't nice of you," April said.
"Because you of all people know so much about being nice," Ben slighted, giving her an irritated look.
"At least I know where to draw the line," she told him.
"God dammit, April," Ben said angrily, catching April off guard. "Stop making Leslie out to be the only victim in this! We broke up because of her! I just cut her to the chase! Her city council race is more important than me, and that's fine. That's okay. That's understandable. I don't blame her for it. I knew her career was important to her going in. But I'm still the one who got dropped for her career, so stop making Leslie out as the only victim in this situation. Like this isn't hard for me, too. Because it's probably the hardest fucking thing I have ever been through. So cut the shit and give me a break, April."
She shot him a hard look. "What're you going to cry now?"
Ben shook his head, sadly. "You know, April, you're mean. Everyone knows it. That's fine, though, because most of us know that for the most part it's just an act. But sometimes, you can be downright cruel."
He finished off his water and walked away, leaving April alone, mouth gaping.
Ben said some quick goodbyes to Tom, Chris, Donna, and the rest of the gang (minus Ann and Leslie, who seemed to have disappeared), and headed out, grabbing a cab home, cursing himself for getting into a fight with April while still at the bar. They could have shared cab fair.
Then again, he realized, he would have just ended up paying for the whole ride, anyway. April had a talent for getting Ben to spend his money on her.
He passed the cab driver a few bills when they pulled up in front of his house, and Ben stumbled through the front door, dropping his jacket on the floor near the door, and heading for the bathroom. He popped an aspirin, hoping it might help prevent some of the oncoming headache he could feel pounding behind his ears. He wiped his blearily eyes, splashed some water onto his face, and collapsed on top of his bed.
He passed out within a minute, still fully clothed and on top of his bedspread.
* * *
Ben groggily opened his eyes around 8:30 the next day, sensitive to the light, head pounding, and disoriented.
He stumbled into the shower, clothes strewn all around the bathroom, and stood under the hot water until it ran out, hoping it would somehow cleanse him of his god awful hangover.
He leaned his head against the ceramic wall and simply breathed for several moments, trying to quell his nausea and shitty mood. God, he felt horrible. And he had so much to do today. He had to finish his packing - a feat that would seem to be getting more and more difficult by the moment.
After a long twenty minutes in the shower, Ben toweled off and got dressed, then he headed into the kitchen, limbs moving slowly.
April was there already, much to Ben's surprise, looking exhausted. He glanced at the cup of coffee in her hand and asked, "Is there any more?"
"No," she told him. "I only made enough for me."
Figures, he thought.
Then April heaved a sigh and handed him the cup she'd been nursing with a closed look on her face.
"This was my third cup, anyway," she explained.
Ben knew it was her version of an apology for their fight last night.
He smiled against the cup as he took a sip. "Thanks, April," he told her.
She shrugged.
He spent the rest of the day fighting off his hangover, drinking equal parts water and coffee, and packing up the last of his belongings. He disassembled his bed, putting it into the moving van he'd rented for tomorrow, along with his nightstand and a few other larger belongings. He'd already put things like his DVDs and supplies in other boxes, loading them into the van. All he had left in the house by the end of the day were the necessities - change of clothes, toothbrush and toothpaste, etc.
Ben, April, and Andy had decided to have one last roommate dinner together that evening which essentially consisted of an extra large pizza and some beer that Ben wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole after last night's drinking activities at the bar.
Andy insisted on the three of them playing video games together 'just like old times' he'd said, which caused Ben to frown in confusion, as they'd played video games together about a grand total of three times since he'd moved in the six months he'd lived with them. They were more of TV or movie watchers when they were together as a group, but Ben shrugged and accepted the controller when Andy passed it too him with an excited grin on his face.
April and Andy both easily beat him, but Ben had an easy smile on his face and was laughing again, so all in all, it was a night well spent. As difficult as it was to live with them sometimes, he really was going to miss his roommates.
He thought of the empty apartment waiting for him in Indianapolis and the first time felt a pang of regret. He knew he had some friends in Indy, but…no one he was close to. And definitely no one who understood Pawnee.
It'll be good for you, he reminded himself. It's been hell for you here since the break-up. Leslie won Pawnee in the divorce, and it was time for him to relocate.
"You're gonna come visit us, right?" Andy asked with a goofy smile on his face, all childlike optimism as usual.
"Yeah, man," Ben agreed. "Sure. And you guys can feel free to come up to Indy and crash at my place whenever you want."
Andy's eyes lit up and he turned to his wife, excitement radiating off of him.
Ben swallowed and suddenly wondered if saying that had been a horrible idea.
Oh well. There was nothing to be done for it now. Besides, it would be nice to have a little piece of his Pawnee life in Indy that didn't constantly remind him of Leslie.
Ben bid April and Andy goodnight around midnight, still exhausted from his day and the previous evening. He promised to wake them up tomorrow before he left so they could say their goodbyes (per Andy's request), and he headed off to bed (well, floor, rather, seeing as that was where he was sleeping for the evening).
He did nothing but toss and turn for several hours. It seemed that nothing could help it. Sleep was not going to come easily. His mind was racing with thoughts of the move and thoughts of leaving Pawnee and thoughts of his empty apartment and thoughts of Leslie.
Ben grabbed his phone from beside him, where it was placed on it's charger.
He scrolled through his contacts and let it rest on Leslie's name, highlighted and standing out from the rest. He contemplated calling her for several minutes, knowing that she was most likely awake, but he ended up sighing and exiting out of his contacts before he had the guts to press the call button. Instead, Ben opened up the photo album on his phone. He scrolled through picture upon picture from his time in Pawnee, smiling a bit nostalgically.
Ben swallowed hard when he reached the pictures from when he and Leslie were dating. There was no evidence of their relationship at all anywhere to be found in Pawnee except for, Ben suspected, their phones. Maybe their email accounts, if you really did some digging. No one had known they were dating except for Ann, but Ben had still wanted to document their relationship in some way.
He landed on a picture of Leslie in bed, naked, but with the covers pulled up to her shoulders. Her hair was clearly sex mussed, and she had an embarrassed, lazy grin on her face, clearly nervous about the picture he had been taking. It was taken on their first night together, the day after their road trip, when he'd kissed her outside his office.
She'd never looked more beautiful.
Her make-up was smudged and her hair was everywhere, and Ben could remember feeling like when he looked at her, she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. That she was the best thing that had ever been his.
He hated himself a little bit when his eyes welled up with tears. He ran a hand over his face in frustration and wiped away a couple stray tears that he hadn't managed to keep at bay.
He exited out of his photo album and tossed his phone across the room, no longer wanting it in his reach.
Ben closed his eyes and resigned himself to a sleepless night ahead of him.
* * *
Ben knocked on April and Andy's door at 10:00 AM, deciding that they'd had long enough to sleep, and he wanted to get on the road.
"Go away!" April shouted groggily.
He knocked again. "Guys, I need to get going."
"Babe," he heard Andy say through the door. "We need to get up, though, because Ben's leaving, and we have to say goodbye."
As soon as they opened the door, Andy tackled Ben in a bear hug and refused to let go, despite how tense and scared he got.
"DUDE!" Andy exclaimed. "I'M GONNA MISS YOU SO MUCH! YOU NEED TO COME BACK SOON AND VISIT, OKAY, BECAUSE YOU GOTTA COME TO MY NEXT MOUSERAT SHOW, AND TO ROOMMATE DINNER AND TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING…"
April dragged her husband off of Ben, "Andy, I don't think he's gonna do all that stuff…"
"Well he's gotta at least come to the MouseRat gig, right?"
"I'll try and make it," Ben told him.
Andy nodded. "Alright, man."
They walked him to the front door.
April looked a little withdrawn.
Ben turned to face her, "So April, you gonna miss me?"
She frowned unpleasantly. "Maybe a little."
Ben smiled. "I'll miss you, too."
He pulled her in for a hug, which April protested half-heartedly with mutters of 'Ew, let go, I don't want to catch your old' and 'I resent this' but she relaxed into the hug, anyway.
Ben released her, and April backed away, pretending to be annoyed by the sign of affection. "Okay, now go away," she told him, but she had a hint of a smile on her face as she said it.
They walked him out to his van, waving him off, and April told him through his window just as he was driving off, "Hope you know we're just going to show up randomly one day and demand to stay the weekend and have you pay for everything!"
Then she went back into the house, and Ben pulled away from the curb with a hint of fear in his eyes.
Author: modernxxmyth
Rating: PG-13 (NC-17 in future parts)
Fandom: Parks and Recreation
Pairing: Ben/Leslie, April/Andy, Ben/April friendship
Warnings: Language?
Notes: This is a big one. Hope you enjoy!
Word Count: ~4700
Summary: Set after 4.01 I Am Leslie Knope. After the break-up, Ben decides he'll never be able to move on from Leslie if he stays in Pawnee and chooses to move back to Indianapolis. (P.S. Don't worry, they're still endgame.)
Chapter One. Chapter Two.
Chapter Three
When Ben got to the Snakehole Lounge two and a half hours later, the place was completely decked out in Entertainment 720 swag. There was a banner above the 'Snakehole Lounge' sign that said, "Tonight's festivities brought to you by ENTERTAINMENT 720, your one-shot multimedia conglomerate!"
He took a moment to wonder exactly what it was that Tom's company actually did.
Ben shrugged and headed inside the club, unsurprised to find it crowded and full of loud music.
"BENJAMIN!" a lanky looking guy ran up to him. After a few moments, Ben placed him as Tom's best friend/business partner.
"Jean-Ralphio, right?"
"That's right, my man, that's right, and thanks for remembering. I hear you're moving!"
"Yep," Ben nodded, shifting uncomfortably. "Indianapolis."
"Oh, shit!" Jean-Ralphio exclaimed. "You're moving to Indy? I love Indianapolis. I once dated a woman from Indy. She was crazy good in the sack. Missing a few teeth, though."
Ben blanched. "Uh…great. I'm going to go grab a beer, alright?"
"No problem, my man, you go get yourself a drink. This is your big night."
He'd only been at the bar for a moment before Donna was beside him, handing him a shot.
Ben accepted the drink and frowned. "Um…thanks?"
"We've got to get this party going, Wyatt," she explained. "C'mon," she gestured to his shot, holding up her own, "Let's do this."
Donna downed hers with an easy smirk.
Ben coughed and spluttered. "Dear lord, what was that?"
"Absinthe," she told him in a no-nonsense voice.
"WHAT?"
"Geez, Ben, relax, it wasn't really absinthe. Did that shot look green to you? Did I give you a sugar cube? It was Patron. Clearly the likes of that fine liquor was wasted on you. Now why don't you sip on your Miller Light there," she said the name with clear disdain, "while I order myself a double whisky and you and I have a little talk."
"Is that really…do we need to…I think Tom wants you," Ben tried in a move of panic.
Donna glanced in Tom's direction, where he was clearly hitting on a group of at least five young women.
"You know, Wyatt, I highly doubt that's true. So why don't you tell me about why you're moving? And why so abruptly?"
Ben shrugged. "It was just time for a change. And my old boss has some job opportunities up there for me."
"Uh huh," she replied in a skeptical voice. "Alright, Wyatt, you don't have to tell me the real reason if you don't want to. I get it. I'm sure you have your reasons. But we're gonna miss you around here. Especially Leslie. I know you guys are close."
He felt himself nodding robotically.
"Don't be a stranger, alright? Come visit. Oh, and you owe me a dance later. Get ready."
An expression of fear flickered across his face as Donna walked away, making her way to the VIP shareholder section of the club.
Ben was half-way through his Miller when he spotted Leslie walking into the club.
She looked beautiful.
Beautiful, but sad.
She had a wide smile on her face, waving and greeting everyone in sight, but it was all clearly for show. Clear to him, at least. Ben knew what a genuine Leslie Knope smile looked like, and that certainly wasn't it.
Ann was right next to her, glued to her side. She whispered something into Leslie's ear, who looked serious for a moment and then nodded resolutely.
She met his eyes from across the room. She didn't smile.
Ben swallowed. He didn't break eye contact.
It was like they were frozen in place in their opposite sides of the club.
"Hey man!" Jean-Ralphio grabbed him by the shoulders, breaking his connection with Leslie. When Ben turned his head to look at her again, she'd disappeared somewhere into the crowd.
"Uh, hi," Ben replied, shaking himself.
"Do you want me to write a rap about your name?"
Ben blinked and shook his head. "I'm good."
"Alright, man, maybe later, maybe later. Can I get you another drink? How about some Snakejuice?"
Ben's eyes widened. "No thanks, man. Not tonight. I think I'm going to stick with my beer for now."
April showed up with Andy in tow a few minutes later.
"Hey loser," she greeted him when she approached the bar. "Buy me a drink?"
Ben squinted at her. "Shouldn't it be the other way around? It's my party."
She gave him a death stare.
"Triple whisky, neat," he ordered from the bartender a moment later.
"Oh, dude!" Andy exclaimed. "Are you buying us drinks? That's so cool of you. Can I have a jack and coke?"
Ben sighed and ordered him the drink.
"Dude, you're the best roommate ever, I'm gonna miss you so much. You were way better to live with than Burly. He might be moving back in now that you're leaving. He's okay, but he's not gonna pay as much in rent, and he doesn't have as much stuff, so the house is gonna be really empty. But you're gonna come back and visit, right? You can sleep on the couch! I'd offer you the bed, but there's only really enough room for me and April in there, you know? But you've fallen asleep on the couch before, you know it's super comfy. That's why we like to have sex on it."
Ben closed his eyes and willed the images away.
"Thanks for the offer," he replied.
The bartender handed Andy and April their drinks and passed Ben another Miller Light.
Ben turned to April. "Ready to admit you're going to miss me?"
She shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips that she didn't seem to notice. "No, but I am going to miss conning you out of money. Maybe we'll take a cab to Indy for a long weekend and make you pay for cab fare as soon as we get there."
"Yeah, that's not happening."
"Sure it's not," she told him.
An hour or so passed, everyone drinking and chatting and dancing. Donna approached him during his third beer and dragged a very terrified Ben towards the dance floor.
Ann intercepted them.
Ben wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"I need to talk to you," she told him seriously.
Donna quirked an eyebrow. "Off you go, Wyatt. Take of yo' business."
He sighed and followed Ann to a back corner of the room, away from the crowd.
Ann crossed her arms, an angry expression on her face. "You need to talk to Leslie."
"I do?"
She punched him in the arm. Hard. He was pretty sure it was going to bruise.
"Ouch! Good lord. Okay! I know I do. I want…I want to say goodbye."
Ann sighed. "You're being an idiot, you know. This whole leaving thing? You're going to regret it. You're hurting her, Ben. That's not okay."
"I know," he whispered. "I don't…god, I don't want to hurt her. But staying here…I can't do it. I can't see her all the time like this. It's hurting me. She has so much in Pawnee without me. She's running for her dream job! She's going to be fine without me."
Ann shook her head sadly. "She's not."
Ben gave her a small, self-deprecating smile. "She'll be fine. She's tough. She can do anything. This sucks right now, but she'll be fine."
"You really don't get it, do you?"
He frowned. "Get what?"
"That she loves you."
Ben's breathing hitched. "Did she…did she tell you that?"
"She didn't have to."
He looked at the ground. "Whether or not that's true…I still have to go. We still can't be together, and I can't be here anymore."
"At least say goodbye to her," she told him. "You owe her that much."
"I was planning to."
"Good. Try not to become an even bigger jackass while you're in Indianapolis, Ben."
Ben let out a choked sound - a cross between a laugh and a sob. "I'll do my best."
* * *
"Hey," Ben greeted Leslie an hour later, sitting down next to her at a table.
"Hi," she replied quietly.
"Can I…um…can I talk to you?" he asked, awkwardly stuttering through the words.
"Yeah, of course."
"I just," Ben started, "I wanted to say…that I'm really going to miss you."
"I'm sorry that I make you feel like you have to leave."
"Don't…Leslie, don't be sorry. It's not your fault."
"How is it not my fault? You're leaving because of me!"
"But that doesn't make it your fault! It's just…it just is. It's self-preservation, Leslie."
"And you need to preserve yourself from me?"
"Well…honestly, yes. Not in a bad way! Not in an 'it's your fault' way. Just in an 'I can't get over you if I keep seeing you all the time' kind of way. I don't want you to blame yourself or anything. It's not your fault at all. It's just…it's just the situation we've been put in. It makes things difficult."
Leslie snorted with derision. "Yeah, I'd say so."
Ben cracked a smile. "Are we…okay?"
"Yeah!" she replied instantly, overly-bright and too enthusiastic.
"Really?" he asked skeptically.
Leslie's expression softened to something a little more honest and sad. "Well…I want us to be."
"So do I. It's part of why I'm leaving."
Leslie pursed her lips. "I don't understand."
"Leslie…if I stay here…I'm just going to end up resenting you. And that is the absolute last thing you could ever deserve. Especially from me. I don't want that to happen. It's not fair to you, not when you've done nothing wrong. You have a dream. That's amazing. I am so happy for you. I'm so…proud of you."
She covered a choked sob with a cough.
Ben continued, "I want you to have it all. You deserve it. But staying here and watching you get it while I can't be with you? It will just lead me to resent you. And I really, really don't want that."
She nodded and pressed her lips into a thin line. "I get that."
"Yeah?" he asked with a little too much hope.
"Yeah," she agreed, grudgingly. "Doesn't mean I like it, though."
A tiny smile played on Ben's lips. "I didn't expect you to."
Leslie smiled sadly and nodded. "Friends, right?"
"Friends," he agreed.
Ben stood up and started to head towards the bar.
"Don't be a stranger, Mr. Mayor!" Leslie called after him.
He thought he might feel tears welling up in his eyes when his head whipped around and he flashed her a grin.
* * *
Ben was drunk.
He actually wasn't quite sure how it had happened.
It had only been an hour since his conversation with Leslie, and he'd been feeling fairly sober then.
But right after he left, Leslie, Tom, Jean-Ralphio, and Donna found him and seemed to have it in their heads that his going away party required that he also get hammered. They were buying him shots right and left, and they did not seem to take no for an answer.
Moral of the story, Ben was a bit sloshed.
Okay, more than a bit.
"You look like an idiot," April told him, approaching him while he was bopping his head to the music.
"Thanks," he replied easily, loosening his skinny tie.
"Give me that shot," she instructed. "You clearly don't need it."
He handed her the shot of whisky Donna had just passed his way.
"Hey!" Donna exclaimed. "That was for the beanpole over there."
"He didn't need it. He's already going to be so hungover tomorrow that we'll be cleaning puke off his carpet for weeks."
Donna looked disgusted. "Suit yourself. I'll just go find myself a man to dance with."
"Where's Andy?" Ben asked April as soon as Donna left, grabbing a guy Ben had never seen's hand and dragging him off to the dance floor.
"He's talking to Leslie," April replied dryly. She took the shot of whisky without a wince.
Ben looked around the club and spotted them over on a couch with Ann, laughing, and clutching mixed drinks. Chris soon joined them and sat down next to Andy, joining in on whatever their conversation was about.
"Oh," Ben said stupidly.
April rolled her eyes. "You talked to her earlier, right?"
He nodded silently.
"Is she okay?"
Ben looked at her curiously. April was openly concerned about someone. Maybe she'd had more to drink he realized.
He shrugged. "I think? I mean, she's not pleased with the situation, but…she's tough. It won't phase her for long."
April shook her head but said nothing.
"You're going to regret it," she told him.
"What?" Ben asked.
"Moving," she clarified with a roll of her eyes. "You're going to regret it."
He pursed his lips. "Maybe. But I need to do this."
"Andy is going to miss you," she told him for the second time that week.
"Yeah?" he asked with a hint of a smile.
"Yeah."
"I'm going to miss Andy, too."
April snagged the beer sitting next to him. "C'mon," she told him, grabbing his hand and forcefully dragging him. "We're joining them."
Ben trailed behind her, albeit a bit unwillingly.
April plopped down next to Andy, dragging Ben along with her, to where he was seated in between her and Chris.
Ann gave him a displeased look when their eyes met, and Leslie gave him a tiny smile.
Chris grabbed his attention by putting his hand on Ben's shoulder, telling him how sincerely and intensely he was going to miss him, starting a tangent about the new cleanse he was on, and telling him about his new hot yoga teacher. Ben tuned him out.
Ben watched Ann whisper something in Leslie's ear, and Leslie nodded. Ann left the area and headed to the bar, presumably getting them some more drinks.
She returned a few minutes later, Tom in tow, carrying a couple shots. Tom was holding two beers. Apparently they were both for Ann and Leslie because as soon as they downed the shots, Ann had taken the beers from Tom's hands, thanked him, and passed one to Leslie.
Andy struck up a conversation with Ben a few minutes later, and he was nice and distracted for the next half hour. People were starting to call it quits and deciding to go home when Ben chose to use the bathroom. Just as he was coming out of the restroom door, he froze. Leslie was standing outside the ladies room, presumably waiting in line.
Leslie's eyes widened in surprise. "Uh…hi."
Ben blinked, readjusting to the lighting in the club. "Hi."
"I'm drunk," Leslie blurted at him. "Um. Hah. I don't even know why I told you that. I'm just really drunk. Ann kept buying me drunks. Drinks," she corrected herself. "Ann's not buying me drunks. That could be considered human trafficking."
"It's okay," said Ben with a confused frown. "I'm drunk, too. There are two of you."
He pointed back and forth between the air and Leslie.
"You're both very attractive," Ben added.
"You should…you should sit down," Leslie told him in what seemed to be an attempt at a no-nonsense voice but in actuality was just sort of an adorable slur.
He shook his head quickly. "I'm good. I'll just…I'll lean up against the wall right here."
Ben took a few steps backwards and leaned against the nearest wall, a couple feet from where Leslie was waiting in line. He stumbled slightly.
Leslie giggled. "Are you okay?"
"I'm good! I'm good."
"You're good?" she asked in a teasing voice.
"I'm good," he nodded, grinning at her.
She laughed a little breathlessly, eyes bright and shiny, smile wide. Then she seemed to realize herself, and she looked at the floor.
"Leslie…" Ben whispered heavily, the tone of the conversation taking a quick turn.
"Don't," she said quietly. "Don't do the whole…just…"
She took a step towards him and continued, "Just…"
She was only a few inches away from him now.
Ben leaned forward at the same time as Leslie, and their lips met in a frantic, desperate kiss. He grabbed at her hair, pouring himself into the kiss, and she clutched at his shirt and at his tie, bunching it in her fists in an effort to bring him closer to her.
He spun them around, changing their places, and pinned her against the wall, kissing her deeply. Leslie's hands were fisted in his hair, and his hands were on her hips, drawing her close.
Just as things were starting to really get heated, the women's bathroom door opened.
They broke apart quickly, trying to put some space between them, but it was for nothing.
Donna was standing next to them with comically wide eyes, raised eyebrows, and a knowing expression on her face.
Then she laughed. "Okay then," was all she said, with a shrug of her shoulders.
Leslie buried her face in her hands.
"Listen, Donna…" Ben started.
But she waved her hand in front of herself, cutting him off. "I got it, Wyatt. I won't tell anyone. Y'all already know it would be a scandal."
Donna gave him a once over. "But you should probably fix your tie. And a few of your shirt buttons."
She looked at Leslie, who had finally raised her head from her hands. "And your hair, girl. "
Leslie nodded.
"I'm getting another drink before last call," Donna told them. "You guys make yourselves presentable."
She wandered off.
Ben and Leslie looked at each other, a bit guiltily.
"I'm sorry," Leslie apologized.
"No, I'm sorry," he replied with a shake of his head. "I shouldn't have…well. You know."
"Yeah," she agreed. "Me too."
Ben adjusted his tie, and Leslie smoothed down her hair.
She gestured to the bathroom, "Um…I should…"
He nodded. "Yeah. I'll, uh…I'll see you later."
Leslie entered the bathroom, and Ben took a deep, calming breath. He ran a hand through his hair, smoothed out his shirt, and headed towards the bar, shaking himself.
He sat down on a barstool and requested a water from the bartender, thinking he'd certainly had more than enough alcohol for the evening.
April sat down next to him, giving him an unnerving stare.
Ben sighed and swallowed a gulp of his water after the bartender passed it to him.
She gave him a weary look. "Either you've decided to make some life changes and start wearing lipstick within the last ten minutes, or you just made out with Leslie in the bathroom."
He frowned. "We weren't in the bathroom."
She rolled her eyes. "Fine, near the bathroom."
He shrugged, not knowing what to say.
"That wasn't nice of you," April said.
"Because you of all people know so much about being nice," Ben slighted, giving her an irritated look.
"At least I know where to draw the line," she told him.
"God dammit, April," Ben said angrily, catching April off guard. "Stop making Leslie out to be the only victim in this! We broke up because of her! I just cut her to the chase! Her city council race is more important than me, and that's fine. That's okay. That's understandable. I don't blame her for it. I knew her career was important to her going in. But I'm still the one who got dropped for her career, so stop making Leslie out as the only victim in this situation. Like this isn't hard for me, too. Because it's probably the hardest fucking thing I have ever been through. So cut the shit and give me a break, April."
She shot him a hard look. "What're you going to cry now?"
Ben shook his head, sadly. "You know, April, you're mean. Everyone knows it. That's fine, though, because most of us know that for the most part it's just an act. But sometimes, you can be downright cruel."
He finished off his water and walked away, leaving April alone, mouth gaping.
Ben said some quick goodbyes to Tom, Chris, Donna, and the rest of the gang (minus Ann and Leslie, who seemed to have disappeared), and headed out, grabbing a cab home, cursing himself for getting into a fight with April while still at the bar. They could have shared cab fair.
Then again, he realized, he would have just ended up paying for the whole ride, anyway. April had a talent for getting Ben to spend his money on her.
He passed the cab driver a few bills when they pulled up in front of his house, and Ben stumbled through the front door, dropping his jacket on the floor near the door, and heading for the bathroom. He popped an aspirin, hoping it might help prevent some of the oncoming headache he could feel pounding behind his ears. He wiped his blearily eyes, splashed some water onto his face, and collapsed on top of his bed.
He passed out within a minute, still fully clothed and on top of his bedspread.
* * *
Ben groggily opened his eyes around 8:30 the next day, sensitive to the light, head pounding, and disoriented.
He stumbled into the shower, clothes strewn all around the bathroom, and stood under the hot water until it ran out, hoping it would somehow cleanse him of his god awful hangover.
He leaned his head against the ceramic wall and simply breathed for several moments, trying to quell his nausea and shitty mood. God, he felt horrible. And he had so much to do today. He had to finish his packing - a feat that would seem to be getting more and more difficult by the moment.
After a long twenty minutes in the shower, Ben toweled off and got dressed, then he headed into the kitchen, limbs moving slowly.
April was there already, much to Ben's surprise, looking exhausted. He glanced at the cup of coffee in her hand and asked, "Is there any more?"
"No," she told him. "I only made enough for me."
Figures, he thought.
Then April heaved a sigh and handed him the cup she'd been nursing with a closed look on her face.
"This was my third cup, anyway," she explained.
Ben knew it was her version of an apology for their fight last night.
He smiled against the cup as he took a sip. "Thanks, April," he told her.
She shrugged.
He spent the rest of the day fighting off his hangover, drinking equal parts water and coffee, and packing up the last of his belongings. He disassembled his bed, putting it into the moving van he'd rented for tomorrow, along with his nightstand and a few other larger belongings. He'd already put things like his DVDs and supplies in other boxes, loading them into the van. All he had left in the house by the end of the day were the necessities - change of clothes, toothbrush and toothpaste, etc.
Ben, April, and Andy had decided to have one last roommate dinner together that evening which essentially consisted of an extra large pizza and some beer that Ben wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole after last night's drinking activities at the bar.
Andy insisted on the three of them playing video games together 'just like old times' he'd said, which caused Ben to frown in confusion, as they'd played video games together about a grand total of three times since he'd moved in the six months he'd lived with them. They were more of TV or movie watchers when they were together as a group, but Ben shrugged and accepted the controller when Andy passed it too him with an excited grin on his face.
April and Andy both easily beat him, but Ben had an easy smile on his face and was laughing again, so all in all, it was a night well spent. As difficult as it was to live with them sometimes, he really was going to miss his roommates.
He thought of the empty apartment waiting for him in Indianapolis and the first time felt a pang of regret. He knew he had some friends in Indy, but…no one he was close to. And definitely no one who understood Pawnee.
It'll be good for you, he reminded himself. It's been hell for you here since the break-up. Leslie won Pawnee in the divorce, and it was time for him to relocate.
"You're gonna come visit us, right?" Andy asked with a goofy smile on his face, all childlike optimism as usual.
"Yeah, man," Ben agreed. "Sure. And you guys can feel free to come up to Indy and crash at my place whenever you want."
Andy's eyes lit up and he turned to his wife, excitement radiating off of him.
Ben swallowed and suddenly wondered if saying that had been a horrible idea.
Oh well. There was nothing to be done for it now. Besides, it would be nice to have a little piece of his Pawnee life in Indy that didn't constantly remind him of Leslie.
Ben bid April and Andy goodnight around midnight, still exhausted from his day and the previous evening. He promised to wake them up tomorrow before he left so they could say their goodbyes (per Andy's request), and he headed off to bed (well, floor, rather, seeing as that was where he was sleeping for the evening).
He did nothing but toss and turn for several hours. It seemed that nothing could help it. Sleep was not going to come easily. His mind was racing with thoughts of the move and thoughts of leaving Pawnee and thoughts of his empty apartment and thoughts of Leslie.
Ben grabbed his phone from beside him, where it was placed on it's charger.
He scrolled through his contacts and let it rest on Leslie's name, highlighted and standing out from the rest. He contemplated calling her for several minutes, knowing that she was most likely awake, but he ended up sighing and exiting out of his contacts before he had the guts to press the call button. Instead, Ben opened up the photo album on his phone. He scrolled through picture upon picture from his time in Pawnee, smiling a bit nostalgically.
Ben swallowed hard when he reached the pictures from when he and Leslie were dating. There was no evidence of their relationship at all anywhere to be found in Pawnee except for, Ben suspected, their phones. Maybe their email accounts, if you really did some digging. No one had known they were dating except for Ann, but Ben had still wanted to document their relationship in some way.
He landed on a picture of Leslie in bed, naked, but with the covers pulled up to her shoulders. Her hair was clearly sex mussed, and she had an embarrassed, lazy grin on her face, clearly nervous about the picture he had been taking. It was taken on their first night together, the day after their road trip, when he'd kissed her outside his office.
She'd never looked more beautiful.
Her make-up was smudged and her hair was everywhere, and Ben could remember feeling like when he looked at her, she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. That she was the best thing that had ever been his.
He hated himself a little bit when his eyes welled up with tears. He ran a hand over his face in frustration and wiped away a couple stray tears that he hadn't managed to keep at bay.
He exited out of his photo album and tossed his phone across the room, no longer wanting it in his reach.
Ben closed his eyes and resigned himself to a sleepless night ahead of him.
* * *
Ben knocked on April and Andy's door at 10:00 AM, deciding that they'd had long enough to sleep, and he wanted to get on the road.
"Go away!" April shouted groggily.
He knocked again. "Guys, I need to get going."
"Babe," he heard Andy say through the door. "We need to get up, though, because Ben's leaving, and we have to say goodbye."
As soon as they opened the door, Andy tackled Ben in a bear hug and refused to let go, despite how tense and scared he got.
"DUDE!" Andy exclaimed. "I'M GONNA MISS YOU SO MUCH! YOU NEED TO COME BACK SOON AND VISIT, OKAY, BECAUSE YOU GOTTA COME TO MY NEXT MOUSERAT SHOW, AND TO ROOMMATE DINNER AND TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING…"
April dragged her husband off of Ben, "Andy, I don't think he's gonna do all that stuff…"
"Well he's gotta at least come to the MouseRat gig, right?"
"I'll try and make it," Ben told him.
Andy nodded. "Alright, man."
They walked him to the front door.
April looked a little withdrawn.
Ben turned to face her, "So April, you gonna miss me?"
She frowned unpleasantly. "Maybe a little."
Ben smiled. "I'll miss you, too."
He pulled her in for a hug, which April protested half-heartedly with mutters of 'Ew, let go, I don't want to catch your old' and 'I resent this' but she relaxed into the hug, anyway.
Ben released her, and April backed away, pretending to be annoyed by the sign of affection. "Okay, now go away," she told him, but she had a hint of a smile on her face as she said it.
They walked him out to his van, waving him off, and April told him through his window just as he was driving off, "Hope you know we're just going to show up randomly one day and demand to stay the weekend and have you pay for everything!"
Then she went back into the house, and Ben pulled away from the curb with a hint of fear in his eyes.