will it ever stop?asyousleepOctober 20 2004, 05:04:02 UTC
i've learned some things in my short short life....
i used to pray for sll the pain to go away, for something to happen and all of it could just vanish. as sad as it may seem...i have come to accept that day may never come--until i get to heaven.
so with that said, i just sort of wanted to throw in the towel and say screw it..no one should ever ever have to feel this pain. this eating away inside of you. this unexplainable darkness that engulfs you. i wouldnt wish it upon my greatest enemy. i wanted to give up...on everything and it seems so much easier. i thought finding God might make all of it go away. sadly that was not the case. and i got bitter and anger and frustrated, and i thought why me...why? please what did i do, let me change it, let me go back, please i can not take this pain..cant handle it..cant breathe..cant do it. i have walked away a few times...but that never made it okay, and it certainly never made it easier. not everyone has to go through these things and i know i willo never fully grasp why i do....and i am slowly learning to be okay with that. i'm learning that yes it will be hard yes i will want to give up yes i will want to walk away...those things those feelings..all of that will happen. am i okay with it...likei said, learning. do i need help, tons and tons of help...yes. does it get better..yes. maybe it wont go away for good...things that have always been there and have not been dealt with...need to be. but yes it will ease up yes it will get better. i have to remind myself of that every morning..just in case. i know what you are feeling because i feel it. and you know i am here. it's hard when i feel it at the same time as you...but i'm still here. i can't say anythign to make it okay, no one can..but i can be there, and i will be. i won't give up on you..no matter how hard you push...why? b/c no matter what hell ki may have put you through these two years..you have been there. i have pushed and pushed and hide away but you have forgiven me, and you have loved me despite that. i want to be that rock for you.
i hope this makes a little bit of sense. i love you.
i used to pray for sll the pain to go away, for something to happen and all of it could just vanish. as sad as it may seem...i have come to accept that day may never come--until i get to heaven.
so with that said, i just sort of wanted to throw in the towel and say screw it..no one should ever ever have to feel this pain. this eating away inside of you. this unexplainable darkness that engulfs you. i wouldnt wish it upon my greatest enemy. i wanted to give up...on everything and it seems so much easier. i thought finding God might make all of it go away. sadly that was not the case. and i got bitter and anger and frustrated, and i thought why me...why? please what did i do, let me change it, let me go back, please i can not take this pain..cant handle it..cant breathe..cant do it. i have walked away a few times...but that never made it okay, and it certainly never made it easier. not everyone has to go through these things and i know i willo never fully grasp why i do....and i am slowly learning to be okay with that. i'm learning that yes it will be hard yes i will want to give up yes i will want to walk away...those things those feelings..all of that will happen. am i okay with it...likei said, learning. do i need help, tons and tons of help...yes. does it get better..yes. maybe it wont go away for good...things that have always been there and have not been dealt with...need to be. but yes it will ease up yes it will get better. i have to remind myself of that every morning..just in case. i know what you are feeling because i feel it. and you know i am here. it's hard when i feel it at the same time as you...but i'm still here. i can't say anythign to make it okay, no one can..but i can be there, and i will be. i won't give up on you..no matter how hard you push...why? b/c no matter what hell ki may have put you through these two years..you have been there. i have pushed and pushed and hide away but you have forgiven me, and you have loved me despite that. i want to be that rock for you.
i hope this makes a little bit of sense. i love you.
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