for those of you who did not what was wrong
R.I.P. PUPPY
and still is...
i havent been able to say this to even my closest friends because of "interruptions" that took over and my stuff got pushed to the side. when i needed somebody, not everybody was there. but its ok. tony was there and it felt nice.
so if you want to know a really depressing event in my life then keep on reading. because i sure as fuck aren't telling you guys in person. no offense, but everyone had their chance and it's too hard to repeat it to everybody.
so here it goes.
i am home and up late. i can't go to sleep nor do i want to for some reason, yet i work the next day....i get a phone call from my Aunt Karen at 12:30. I thought this is odd but i'll answer. she's crying. i ask what's wrong. she says sam drowned in the pool. (look under my heroes and you'll find the almost 16 yr old puppy in her white coat looking happy as ever). she said my mom took sam and drove off and isn't answering. she asks me to see if i can get a hold of my mom. i hold up until i get off the phone and fall apart when i hang up. i immediately call my dad and am balling. he tells me to relax and its ok and to not drive to find my mom. he tells me to call her and call him back. she picks up and sounds like a wreck, she's at the fv police station asking for directions to take sam's body. i call my aunt 4 times and text her to see where my mom and dad took bear when they had to put her down. she doesnt pick up or call back. i find the place from my phone while at the shell gas station and call them telling them we need to bring in a dog that's dead. to put it blatantly. i have my mom follow me there. i go to her passenger door to grab sam, and she tells me that she's too heavy and she had to drag her. there was no fucking way in hell i was letting someone else take her. she was wrapped in 2 soaking wet chlorine smelling blankets. my mom said "what about your jacket? it's leather" i said i didnt care it's water resistant. as i tried to pick her up, i feel how cold she is. how stiff she is. i can hear her bones start to crack because of the cold and death. i felt like i was hurting her, but she was already gone, but i couldnt accept it. i was able to roll her up, with her wet fur and blankets that made her twice as heavy. i held her, i couldnt focus on where to take her. i was just holding her. so bony it felt like. but she had so much fluffy fur how could she be just lifeles bones and dead weight??? thats when i had to suck up my tears and be strong for my mom. she couldnt stop crying. sam's face was covered. i got weak and i barely made it to the table. i unwrapped her foot, still wet. i was too scared to look at any other part of her. her muscles were already gone so yes, there was no holding back. my mom cried and said, "i cleaned her eyes for the last time today." yes, that thing that most of you guys think to be a hassle she was going to miss inevitably. my poor mom, so angry and heart broken. i slowly and nervously unwrapped sam's face. i couldn't say goodbye to a paw....i couldnt even massage her foot like she used to love because it was so cold and stiff. the bones cracking just echoed in my mind as i unwrapped her face slowly. my mom warned me saying she didnt know how sam would look. i made the mistake of touching her nose through the blanket, it was so broken. just smashed up. you know, the little black part at the tip of a dog's mouth. the nose. it was so stiff. it wasn't warm or dry or wet, it was stiff like a bone. her eyes were closed. a peaceful last gasp for breath. JESUS it's so hard to think of dying that way. alone, nobody to help you. left outside, practically fucking pushed in the god damn pull you mother fucking assholes!!!!!!! prectically holding her head under the mother fucking water to drown like ur a god damn mother fucking murderer you pieces of shit!!!!!! and why? what for? are you guys fucking happy? i hope so. you paid a pretty fucking penny for your happiness and other's loss of a life and love and sparkle in their eye. anyway, back to where i was. he eyes were closed, then i unwrapped too far because my hopes were high. there was blood on her face. and my mom saw. it was so hard to not fucking cry! to be strong and say everything happens for a reason and shes in a better place. NO FUCK THAT SHIT. I WAS ANGRY AND HURT AND I STILL FUCKING AM!!!! i opened her mouth and her tongue was blue. and this is what i want to do, this will be part of my fucking job in life. it was so hard to be composed and level headed and not lash out. what the FUCK has my mom ever done but try her best for you guys to do this shit to her???!!!!! we signed the paperwork to have her cremated and have her ashes spread over the ocean. why have them back? what good will that do? a reminder of an evil and almost unforgivable act!!!! my mom said that my aunt hit her.
here's how it happened from my mom's point of view:
she was on her way home from work. she came inside and to her room where sam sleeps and waits to wag her tail because my mom is home. no puppy. after a search through the house she goes in the backyward to find her lifeless body in the shallow side of the pool and her leash wrapped around her collar (because i'm sure the noise was a nusiance for my POS grandma). HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FIND YOUR DOG LIKE THAT???!!! everybody knows that they have to watch her when she goes outside to go potty because she can't see so well. and if poop is left in the backyward my grandma will hold a grudge for a month and never let it go. SO. my mom said she wished she could have died with the dog. she was hurting, shes never selfish and it's ok for her to be at this moment. my aunt hits her (slaps) across the face repeatedly calling her a spoiled brat in front of her daughter (jacqueline who is six and crying and screaming) and knocked my mom's glasses on the floor to where she couldn't find them. (they were on the table a few days later with a nice couple of scratches). my mom hit her back and called her a bitch. mean while my grandma is standing and letting my aunt take the blame for which i'm sure my grandma probably did. somebody put her outside, turned off the light, and locked the door. FUCKING BITCH!!!!
now, the last few days (days after the incident) have been tough. i was somber at work, probably bitchy. i couldnt wait to leave. i told jim the day i was leaving what had happened. my mom and i had gone home to clean up sam's stuff. i cut out a piece of blanket, one for mom and one for me, that smelt like sam :(
the last time i was over there i almost didnt say bye to her because i didn't want to wake her up. something pulled me back and i gave her a kiss and hug and a mini massage.
i picked her out at the pet store. i carried her everywhere until my 5 year old arms couldn't anymore. i still remember that day vividly. she went an entire week with out having a name because we couldnt think of one. i suggested sarah and i loved the name samanthat (wished it was mine) and thats what we named her. sooo many memories and i remember all of them because i was old enough.
next day i dropped rent off for my aunt and kissed the carpet where sam's bed and happy body used to lay. how horrible to die, waiting for someone to rescue you, having hope in your eyes, and all u get is a cold shoulder and light being turned off and door being locked. how lonely and helpless. she wasnt strong enough to swim. i just cant think about it and how horrible it is.
i tried to talk to my best friend but the same issue that always breaks us apart did, and there was no effort to stop it and just listen. yes, she has listened a lot. but i really needed u and you didnt do a damn thing to tell laura that we were talking and would be done in 5 or ten minutes. no. instead you let it go and listened to her ramble about packing and her job and presents and herself like always. it wasnt my place to say anything. we werent at my house and she wasnt my friend talking to me. so i played along. and there was no effort to try to pick up where we left off or say sorry for laura or anything. it kind of hurt. and i didnt want to tell you but i didnt want to hold it in either.
so. on lunch at work i would sit in my car and break down. it was so hard to keep a positive and composed image in that hell hole on any day, let alone after all of this. i went to tony's for secret santa and went straight to his room where he followed me and i just broke again. finally, somebody i could cry to and just let it out and not be judged and be listened to and understood and just get it out and not have to be strong. finally, i could lean on somebody.
Christmas was hard. first time in 16 years that she wasn't there. and my little cousin says to my mom" you and my mom are separated" and we didnt get it at first. then she goes on saying" i know who did it." allll while we are eating dinner. sooo subject changer. then my mom gets a card she can barely see a samoyed and hands it to my trying not to cry saying she doesnt want to see it. everybody got pictures of the dog they murdered, but it was out of happiness my mom did it, whereas i would have been spiteful. my mom and i talk until 2 am and i go home.
then its a drive to big bear, and as soon as i am almost to the cabin i start to cry. i try to hold it back but then i just start to hyperventilate (sp?) while trying to drive on a mountain. i compose myself enough to walk in the door and see my dad for the first time since everything has happened. he gives me a hug and i lose it....again. it's just so hard. i cant cry once and get it out....nooo it just keeps on coming.....
so there, that's what happened and i dont want to talk about it and i dont want opinions or your personal input. its just too difficult.
and still is...
i havent been able to say this to even my closest friends because of "interruptions" that took over and my stuff got pushed to the side. when i needed somebody, not everybody was there. but its ok. tony was there and it felt nice.
so if you want to know a really depressing event in my life then keep on reading. because i sure as fuck aren't telling you guys in person. no offense, but everyone had their chance and it's too hard to repeat it to everybody.
so here it goes.
i am home and up late. i can't go to sleep nor do i want to for some reason, yet i work the next day....i get a phone call from my Aunt Karen at 12:30. I thought this is odd but i'll answer. she's crying. i ask what's wrong. she says sam drowned in the pool. (look under my heroes and you'll find the almost 16 yr old puppy in her white coat looking happy as ever). she said my mom took sam and drove off and isn't answering. she asks me to see if i can get a hold of my mom. i hold up until i get off the phone and fall apart when i hang up. i immediately call my dad and am balling. he tells me to relax and its ok and to not drive to find my mom. he tells me to call her and call him back. she picks up and sounds like a wreck, she's at the fv police station asking for directions to take sam's body. i call my aunt 4 times and text her to see where my mom and dad took bear when they had to put her down. she doesnt pick up or call back. i find the place from my phone while at the shell gas station and call them telling them we need to bring in a dog that's dead. to put it blatantly. i have my mom follow me there. i go to her passenger door to grab sam, and she tells me that she's too heavy and she had to drag her. there was no fucking way in hell i was letting someone else take her. she was wrapped in 2 soaking wet chlorine smelling blankets. my mom said "what about your jacket? it's leather" i said i didnt care it's water resistant. as i tried to pick her up, i feel how cold she is. how stiff she is. i can hear her bones start to crack because of the cold and death. i felt like i was hurting her, but she was already gone, but i couldnt accept it. i was able to roll her up, with her wet fur and blankets that made her twice as heavy. i held her, i couldnt focus on where to take her. i was just holding her. so bony it felt like. but she had so much fluffy fur how could she be just lifeles bones and dead weight??? thats when i had to suck up my tears and be strong for my mom. she couldnt stop crying. sam's face was covered. i got weak and i barely made it to the table. i unwrapped her foot, still wet. i was too scared to look at any other part of her. her muscles were already gone so yes, there was no holding back. my mom cried and said, "i cleaned her eyes for the last time today." yes, that thing that most of you guys think to be a hassle she was going to miss inevitably. my poor mom, so angry and heart broken. i slowly and nervously unwrapped sam's face. i couldn't say goodbye to a paw....i couldnt even massage her foot like she used to love because it was so cold and stiff. the bones cracking just echoed in my mind as i unwrapped her face slowly. my mom warned me saying she didnt know how sam would look. i made the mistake of touching her nose through the blanket, it was so broken. just smashed up. you know, the little black part at the tip of a dog's mouth. the nose. it was so stiff. it wasn't warm or dry or wet, it was stiff like a bone. her eyes were closed. a peaceful last gasp for breath. JESUS it's so hard to think of dying that way. alone, nobody to help you. left outside, practically fucking pushed in the god damn pull you mother fucking assholes!!!!!!! prectically holding her head under the mother fucking water to drown like ur a god damn mother fucking murderer you pieces of shit!!!!!! and why? what for? are you guys fucking happy? i hope so. you paid a pretty fucking penny for your happiness and other's loss of a life and love and sparkle in their eye. anyway, back to where i was. he eyes were closed, then i unwrapped too far because my hopes were high. there was blood on her face. and my mom saw. it was so hard to not fucking cry! to be strong and say everything happens for a reason and shes in a better place. NO FUCK THAT SHIT. I WAS ANGRY AND HURT AND I STILL FUCKING AM!!!! i opened her mouth and her tongue was blue. and this is what i want to do, this will be part of my fucking job in life. it was so hard to be composed and level headed and not lash out. what the FUCK has my mom ever done but try her best for you guys to do this shit to her???!!!!! we signed the paperwork to have her cremated and have her ashes spread over the ocean. why have them back? what good will that do? a reminder of an evil and almost unforgivable act!!!! my mom said that my aunt hit her.
here's how it happened from my mom's point of view:
she was on her way home from work. she came inside and to her room where sam sleeps and waits to wag her tail because my mom is home. no puppy. after a search through the house she goes in the backyward to find her lifeless body in the shallow side of the pool and her leash wrapped around her collar (because i'm sure the noise was a nusiance for my POS grandma). HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FIND YOUR DOG LIKE THAT???!!! everybody knows that they have to watch her when she goes outside to go potty because she can't see so well. and if poop is left in the backyward my grandma will hold a grudge for a month and never let it go. SO. my mom said she wished she could have died with the dog. she was hurting, shes never selfish and it's ok for her to be at this moment. my aunt hits her (slaps) across the face repeatedly calling her a spoiled brat in front of her daughter (jacqueline who is six and crying and screaming) and knocked my mom's glasses on the floor to where she couldn't find them. (they were on the table a few days later with a nice couple of scratches). my mom hit her back and called her a bitch. mean while my grandma is standing and letting my aunt take the blame for which i'm sure my grandma probably did. somebody put her outside, turned off the light, and locked the door. FUCKING BITCH!!!!
now, the last few days (days after the incident) have been tough. i was somber at work, probably bitchy. i couldnt wait to leave. i told jim the day i was leaving what had happened. my mom and i had gone home to clean up sam's stuff. i cut out a piece of blanket, one for mom and one for me, that smelt like sam :(
the last time i was over there i almost didnt say bye to her because i didn't want to wake her up. something pulled me back and i gave her a kiss and hug and a mini massage.
i picked her out at the pet store. i carried her everywhere until my 5 year old arms couldn't anymore. i still remember that day vividly. she went an entire week with out having a name because we couldnt think of one. i suggested sarah and i loved the name samanthat (wished it was mine) and thats what we named her. sooo many memories and i remember all of them because i was old enough.
next day i dropped rent off for my aunt and kissed the carpet where sam's bed and happy body used to lay. how horrible to die, waiting for someone to rescue you, having hope in your eyes, and all u get is a cold shoulder and light being turned off and door being locked. how lonely and helpless. she wasnt strong enough to swim. i just cant think about it and how horrible it is.
i tried to talk to my best friend but the same issue that always breaks us apart did, and there was no effort to stop it and just listen. yes, she has listened a lot. but i really needed u and you didnt do a damn thing to tell laura that we were talking and would be done in 5 or ten minutes. no. instead you let it go and listened to her ramble about packing and her job and presents and herself like always. it wasnt my place to say anything. we werent at my house and she wasnt my friend talking to me. so i played along. and there was no effort to try to pick up where we left off or say sorry for laura or anything. it kind of hurt. and i didnt want to tell you but i didnt want to hold it in either.
so. on lunch at work i would sit in my car and break down. it was so hard to keep a positive and composed image in that hell hole on any day, let alone after all of this. i went to tony's for secret santa and went straight to his room where he followed me and i just broke again. finally, somebody i could cry to and just let it out and not be judged and be listened to and understood and just get it out and not have to be strong. finally, i could lean on somebody.
Christmas was hard. first time in 16 years that she wasn't there. and my little cousin says to my mom" you and my mom are separated" and we didnt get it at first. then she goes on saying" i know who did it." allll while we are eating dinner. sooo subject changer. then my mom gets a card she can barely see a samoyed and hands it to my trying not to cry saying she doesnt want to see it. everybody got pictures of the dog they murdered, but it was out of happiness my mom did it, whereas i would have been spiteful. my mom and i talk until 2 am and i go home.
then its a drive to big bear, and as soon as i am almost to the cabin i start to cry. i try to hold it back but then i just start to hyperventilate (sp?) while trying to drive on a mountain. i compose myself enough to walk in the door and see my dad for the first time since everything has happened. he gives me a hug and i lose it....again. it's just so hard. i cant cry once and get it out....nooo it just keeps on coming.....
so there, that's what happened and i dont want to talk about it and i dont want opinions or your personal input. its just too difficult.