[je_hols] [I found you drowning on the ocean's floor --> Pin] 2/2
Jin woke up early the next morning, Yamapi’s alarm clock ringing loudly. He groaned as he tried to turn it off, failing and finally deciding to take the offending machine to his friend. It took the other man a few moments to react, startled and sleepy, but he managed to turn it off. He sent Jin to the shower, preparing breakfast for them meanwhile. He had to help his friend change his bandages and force him to take another painkiller before dashing into the shower and dressing as quickly as he could in order not to be late for work. Jin had put the plates away when he stepped out of the bedroom again. He had not moved from the kitchen, apparently still uncomfortable in the house. Yamapi sighed, looking for his spare key. Jin had still been moody in the morning, though he had looked better than the night before, but Yamapi hoped they could talk things over when he came back at night. He handed Jin the spare key, smiling.
“Look, I have to go to work now. I won’t be back until dinner, but there’s food in the fridge. If you need anything, help yourself to it. You have the key, if you need to go out... Really, feel at home. We can talk at night, okay? Try to rest some more, and have a nice day!”
He patted Jin’s shoulder lightly on his way out, but the other man just nodded at him with the tiniest trace of a smile on his lips. That little gesture, along with his friend’s general gloomy mood left Yamapi worried for the rest of the day. He chewed on his lower lip absently while he worked, and barely resisted the urge to dial his own house’s number on his mobile phone, thinking that Jin would take it as an offence, and with the man’s mood that was the last thing he needed.
The train back home seemed to take three times longer to arrive to his usual station, and Yamapi had to remind himself to walk at a normal pace every five minutes. He did not even know what was wrong with him, from where the urge to check Jin was alright came from. His friend was already an adult, a grown man who knew how to take care of himself, probably much better than Yamapi, yet he could not suppress the feeling that made him want to run all the way home.
“Jin?” Yamapi pushed the door to close after him as he knocked his shoes off. “Jin? Are you home?”
He had no answer as he walked into the house. He felt his heart beating faster as it seemed to be empty, Jin’s shoes missing on the genkan. He threw his coat onto the coach as he walked further inside, looking around. Jin had made the bed up and washed the dishes, that were piled up on the counter, but counting them Yamapi realized the man had not had lunch, which could only mean he had not taken his painkillers either, since they could not be taken without having eaten first. Yamapi cursed loudly, only finding the note resting on the table when he looked away from the plates.
It was a post-it taken from the stack Yamapi had stuck on the fridge, messy shaky words inked in blue over the yellow paper. Jin’s handwriting was similar to a kid’s, plagued with misspelled words and grammatical mistakes, but it was clear enough for the man to understand it. Jin apologized for all the trouble he had caused Yamapi the previous day and assured him he would be alright, adding in the post data that he had left the spare key under the mat. Yamapi had not even finished reading the note when he dashed out of the door, barely stopping for a few seconds to put on his shoes and check the key was indeed were the paper said.
Yamapi arrived at the park in record time, but Jin wasn’t there. He called out for him, running around as he tried to find his friend. The park was not that big and Jin lived there, he should be able to find him... Unless Jin was trying to purposely avoid him, in which case, Yamapi realized with dread, he would never be able to find him. Jin had no permanent residence, no mobile phone, and he had not the slightest idea where he could be...
Yamapi plopped down on a bench an hour later, exhausted. He propped his elbows up on his knees, burying his face in his hands with a long heavy sigh, eyes closed tightly. He was shivering in cold, not having grabbed his coat before leaving the house, but he did not even feel it. He just could not believe what was happening. He could not believe Jin was gone like that, and he could not even imagine what he had done for Jin to leave him without a word of explanation nor as much as a goodbye, only a note scribbled on a post-it...
The man forced himself to take a deep breath and calm down. He was just overreacting. Jin was an adult, a grown man that could already take care of himself. If he had left, he surely had his reasons, and Yamapi ought to respect them. Jin had been beaten up less than a day ago, so maybe he just wanted some time alone. Yamapi got up from the bench, hugging himself and rubbing his arms vigorously to warm himself up as he started to walk back home. His steps were loud against the hard concrete, and despite his determination to respect Jin’s decision he could not stop himself from looking back with a worried frown every now and then. He was still trying to convince himself that it would be alright when he pushed his bed covers over his body, promising himself they would talk things through as soon as he found his friend.
Much to his dismay, he could not find Jin the next day either. It was Saturday, so he decided to go searching for him again but, as he soon realized, he had no clue where to look for him. He checked the park a few times before going to the station. He took the line that went to the station where he had first found Jin playing the guitar, but having lost the musical instrument his friend was not there either. However, Yamapi ate at the same cafeteria where they had gone together, and tried again in the afternoon. It was dark by the time he went back home, and the park was as deserted as ever. When Sunday proved just as useless as the day before Yamapi’s anxiety only grew, and he started considering going to the closest police station to declare the man’s disappearance.
He had hoped work would help to distract him, but it did not. Yamapi kept squirming on his seat, getting up to drink and getting distracted, his heart skipping a beat as he jumped a little every time he heard an ambulance rushing past the street. Not knowing where Jin was, or even if he was alright, was driving him crazy with worry. He could not help looking around for any traces of his friend when he walked around the streets, rode the trains or walked in or out of the stations, and he had started walking through the park in the mornings too, waking up earlier than usual. The worry made him toss around in bed, suffer from nightmares and lose hours of sleep.
It was obvious in the way he was behaving that there was something wrong with him, and soon enough his co-workers noticed it. They ganged up on him at the end of the week and told him to tag along for a few drinks, pushing him until he finally accepted. The bar was crowded with men like them, dressed in dark suits and carrying their briefcases, drinking to forget the hardships of the week. It was warm and lively inside the local, and though he could barely move without bumping against other people, the atmosphere was nice. As the toasts passed from group to group the glasses promptly piled up on the counter, and a few drinks became enough to make him feel suddenly giddy and light-headed.
It was already late when they finally decided to go back home, so there were no more trains and they were all too drunk to even consider driving. Thankfully enough they managed to stop a taxi, huddling close to each other in the tight space they had. Yamapi ended up pressed against the window, the cold glass against his warm cheek. He looked outside as the taxi started moving, lights and cars quickly passing by. Even though it was almost midnight, the traffic was still dense and pretty crowded. The noises and the passing lights were making Yamapi dizzy, so he pressed his forehead against the cool glass. At least he was thankful that he could not think clearly anymore. Forgetting felt good.
There were construction works on the road, fences with bright yellow lights surrounding the perimeter to separate it from the traffic. The enormous machines looked like sleeping monsters, their metal spades all but fangs and claws as their metal shined under the dancing shadows and coloured lights of the city. The image made him giggle as his intoxicated state was obvious even for himself. As the taxi got closer Yamapi could see the men holding bright cones to direct the traffic away from the works. He shivered only thinking about being in their situation, freezing outside in the cold night, standing for hours without pause for a ridiculous pay...
A gasp left Yamapi’s lips when they passed by the men, and he pressed himself closer against the glass. The closer one to them was Jin? He looked so much like him, it had to be him! The purple hoodie was the same Jin always wore and his face... Yamapi could swear it was him, but it was only a fleeting moment before the taxi left the works behind. He tried to roll the window down to call out for him, but his hands were clumsy because of the alcohol, and his co-workers started complaining in loud voices as soon as he managed to do it, hands reaching for the knob to roll it up again.
Yamapi pressed himself against the window, wide eyes scanning the street eagerly, but they were already too far, the only trace of the construction works he could see a couple of light in the distace, mixing with those of the buildings and cars. He sunk into his seat with a defeated sigh, burying his face in his palms. He felt a soft clapping on his shoulder, one of his co-workers suggesting he should leave the car if he was getting dizzy. Yamapi shook his head and closed his eyes. He was drunk. It probably had not been Jin, he had just imagined it. He was not thinking clearly and he missed his friend, it must have been that.
- - -
Yamapi woke up the next day with the mother of all headaches, start exploding behind his eyes every time he moved his head. He did not even remember how he had got home last night, though that would explain why he had woken on the couch and was still wearing his suit. His back hurt as he dragged himself toward the bathroom, but he was actually feeling a lot better after a cold shower, a coffee and a painkiller. He had just started cooking lunch when someone rang the doorbell.
He almost closed the door again out of surprise when he found Jin standing outside. He felt his jaw dropping as he stared at the man, and could only sputter wordlessly, moving away to let his friend in. Jin stood in the genkan, not even taking his shoes off as he twisted his hands nervously.
“Jin, what... Where have you been? I was so worried... A- Are you alright?”
“Yeah, just fine.”
Yamapi looked at him. It was obvious than the man was lying. He stood uncomfortably, resting his weight mostly on his left leg, as the limp Yamapi had expected to have disappeared was back. He looked exhausted, shoulders hunched forward and big dark bags under his eyes. He was avoiding Yamapi’s gaze, eyebrows knotted in a frown since the moment he had stepped in. His clothes looked dirtier than usual, and considerably more torn. He fidgeted a little as he pulled a white envelope from the back pocket of his jeans, handing it to Yamapi, who took it with a questioning look.
“That... There’s around 12,500 yen in there. The hospital fees and the painkillers... I guess it’s about enough to pay you back for that.”
“B- But the money... How...?”
“It doesn’t matter. Thank you for everything.”
Yamapi stared at the envelope dumbfounded as Jin gave him a polite bow. He only reacted when he heard Jin turning around to open the door. Stumbling forward he grabbed his friend’s shoulder and spun him around roughly. Jin’s eyes were cold as he looked at him, though he did not miss the hurt laying behind the man’s pretended indifference as Jin shook his hand off.
“I have told you before. I don’t need your pity. Goodbye.”
Yamapi was not thinking when he slammed Jin against the door. The man gasped in pain, trying to break free, but he was in no condition to fight against his friend. He looked at Yamapi with shocked eyes, but the other was far too angry to notice. He pushed Jin inside harshly, not even caring if he was still wearing his shoes, and forced the man to sit down on the couch. He threw the envelope at his friend’s chest, fist closed tightly at his sides. He had to take a deep breath not to start shouting, and even then his voice sounded tight and furious.
“What the fuck have you done to get this, Jin.”
“What...?”
“The money. How. Did you. Get it.”
Jin’s face darkened, obviously catching up with Yamapi’s brain. He crossed his arms over his chest, looking away. “None of your business.”
“Jin!”
“I’m not a kid, Yamashita! What I did only concerns me. You have your money now, so I’m leaving already. Bye.”
It flashed through Yamapi’s mind as Jin got up, images from the night before he had thought forgotten. Traffic lights, cars and streets bubbling with activity, construction works on the road and men holding bright signals to divert the traffic, a familiar face among them. Yamapi sighed, running a hand through his hair and reaching to grab Jin’s arm again, stopping the man.
“Jin... You worked on the construction site?” The surprise that the man’s face reflected was all the answer Yamapi needed, and he sighed again, shaking his head. “Didn’t you hear the doctor? You were supposed to rest until you recovered...”
“I have priorities, Yamshita. There were things that needed to be done. You have your money now, I will rest if that is what worries you so much. I can take care of myself.”
Before he could think about what he was doing Yamapi had his arms around Jin’s body, pressing it close to his own. Jin gasped in surprise, looking down at his friend, but as it seemed Yamapi was not going to release him anytime soon he wrapped his arms around his friend’s shoulders in a doubtful gesture. The embrace was awkward and kind of uncomfortable, and Yamapi rushed to break it when Jin moaned a little in pain at the pressure of his arms. Realizing what he had done the man shifted a little, clearing his throat and scratching the back of his head as a light blush crept over his cheeks.
“Look... W- Why don’t you go to take a bath? You’ll find towels stacked on the bathroom shelf, take all the time you need...”
“Pi, I -”
“Don’t say anything! Ju- just... Take a bath, okay? We can have lunch when you’re done and talk all of this over... Please?”
Jin sighed, letting his head drop forward and closing his eyes. He had gone to return Yamapi his money and to tell him he did not need his pity; he could not accept what the other was offering. He had his pride as a man and he could not give it up just because he was tired... And yet the offer of a warm bath and food sounded so tempting. He had not eaten in days, trying to save as much money as possible, and he had been working in shifts of twelve hours. barely resting, and his body felt at its limit... He was exhausted, physically and mentally, he did not have the strength to deal with that right then...
He lost consciousness for a moment, and his body swayed dangerously back and forth, almost making him fall. Strong arms caught him before he could, but it still took him a moment to open his eyes, blinking slowly. He shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind, but it only made his dizzy feeling grow. Before he noticed it, Yamapi had led him to the bathroom and the bathtub was slowly filling, steam rising from the water. The man was looking at him with concern, pressing a hand to his forehead.
“Jin? Are you alright? Can you undress alone?” Jin nodded slowly, though his mind still felt dense, like his head was filled will rocks. He grabbed his hoodie, clumsily pulling it over his head, though at the end he did need some help to take it off. Yamapi smiled softly and shut off the faucet before heading for the door. “Take your time, okay? Call me if you need anything.”
It took over an hour for Jin to get out of the bathtub, a towel tightly wrapped around his waist as he stepped into the living room. Yamapi had to actually bite back a curse at the sight of his friend’s protruding ribs, having obviously lost a considerable amount of weight. He rushed to hand the man some clothes, and filled his plate with some extra rice while Jin was changing.
Lunch was silent, both of them barely daring to look up from their plates as they ate. The atmosphere was tense and uncomfortable, filled with too many unspoken words that neither one dared to say first. However, they knew the situation could not be pushed much further, so Jin decided not to complain when Yamapi pushed a painkiller toward him over the table, taking it and moving to sit on the couch while the man put the plates away, joining him shortly with a heavy sigh. It was uncomfortable as neither of them knew how to start. Yamapi took the white envelope from the couch, toying with it distractedly between his fingers as he sighed again.
“Jin... Here. Take it, you have worked hard to earn it...”
Jin frowned, pushing the envelope back toward his friends. “It’s yours. To pay back for the hospital fees, it’s only fair...”
“No, it’s not, Jin, and it’s not necessary!”
“Of course it is!” Jin had raised his voice, sounding angry and offended, a hurt frown knotting his brows together. “I don’t need your pity, Yamashi -”
“God, will you stop that?!” The man’s yell startled Jin, who jumped a little where he was sitting. “It’s not pity, Jin! When will you finally understand that?! I don’t pity you! Do you think I’d feed every homeless I met?! Let them into my house just like that?! It’s not pity, Jin, it’s friendship! I care about you because you’re my friend, not because I pity you!”
Yamapi was breathing raggedly when he stopped, chest rising and falling quickly. He was frowning, and his eyes burnt with anger as he glared at Jin. The man seemed to have become smaller on the couch at the shouts, knees pulled up to his chest in a defensive stance. He had lowered his head, looking cautiously at Yamapi through his fringe. Yamapi took a deep breath, willing himself to calm down, and cleared his throat before starting again.
“I want you to understand this, Jin. Because if you don’t, this friendship can’t work. If I had only pitied you I would have given you some money when passing you on the street, smiled and continued my way. If you are here, sitting on my couch, wearing my clothes and sharing my food, if I paid for your hospital fees and offered you to sleep in my bed it is not because I pity you, Jin. Maybe I did, at first. But not anymore. Now... We’re friends, Jin, and you said it yourself. Friends should be equal. You helped me the first time we met, and I know you would do it again if I ever needed it. But it’s you who needs help now, Jin, and if I’m trying to give you hand here you can’t keep refusing me! I’m your friend, Jin. Please, let me help you.”
Jin had sunk into the couch during Yamapi’s speech, and was resting his chin on his knees. The short sleeved t-shirt Yamapi had given him to wear left his arms bare, revealing the dark bruises that still covered the skin. When his friend ran his fingertips softly over them Jin leaned into the touch with a sigh. He rested his body against his friend’s slowly, almost carefully, as if expecting to be pushed away. He cuddled closer to Yamapi when the man wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and smiled up at him. Yamapi rested his cheek ontop Jin’s head.
“I want you to move in.”
“Pi...”
“Jin, wait. Let me finish. If you don’t feel like... Just accepting it, you can pay me rent. I know a guy who owns a conbini, he could hire you. If you don’t mind cleaning the floors and arranging the shelves... The pay isn’t exactly amazing, but it’d be enough to pay me a rent and save some money. Jin, please... Accept this. Let me help you. Please.”
Yamapi felt his heart beating madly for the moment it took Jin to nod slowly against his chest. He released the breath he had not realized he had been holding. Jin shuffled a little and Yamapi raised his arm a little, thinking he might be trying to get free of his embrace, but Jin did not move away, only looked up to smile softly at him.
“Thank you, Pi.”
Yamapi nodded, a sudden lump in his throat killing his words, and tightened his embrace around his friend.
- - -
It took them some time to get used to living with each other. Jin slept on the couch, and at the end Yamapi decided to buy a bed-sofa, though Jin complained that it was alright. Despite Yamapi’s attempts, Jin ended up paying half of the price, arguing that it was him who was going to sleep on it, hence it was only fair he paid for it. He also insisted on buying his own share of food and pay for house products, smiling happily while flashing his brand new salary. Jin was punctual, polite and hardworking. While most of the workers at the conbini were just students who found the job boring, Jin’s attitude impressed his boss so much that he was given more responsibilities after only a week.
However, living with Jin proved more difficult than Yamapi had thought. He was not sure when exactly he start to feel attracted to Jin, but soon he could not help a blush taking over his cheeks whenever Jin stepped out of the shower half naked, nor the pleasant tug at his heart when he saw his flatmate’s sleep tousled hair and disoriented blinking early in the morning, though he tried hard to hide it and behave normally around Jin. The new clothes the man had bought did not exactly help him, since he seemed to look amazing in every new garment he got. He was glad Jin did not own any suits, because the day he had tried one of Yamapi’s just for a laugh, he had look drop-dead gorgeous.
It was one of the first days of December, and they had been drinking all evening. The empty cans of beer were piling up on the coffee table, and they were nursing the last two ones from the fridge. They had opened the bed-sofa to be more comfortable, but with the two of them sprawled on the mattress the space seemed smaller, bodies close and touching. At some point Jin ended up lying half on top of him, breath hot on his neck as he giggled and Yamapi could not help but squirm and tense up, terribly uncomfortable with his friend’s proximity but at the same time not wanting the warm weight gone.
Yamapi was not really sure how it happened. They shifted at the same time, Jin tyring to find a more comfortable position and his friend moving to adjust to him. Suddenly his hand brushed over Jin’s collarbone and there was a loud squeak. Jin thrashed violently and next thing they knew Jin was sprawled on top of him, eyes wide and lips against lips. Yamapi blinked up at him, eyes crossing with the effort of looking at him from so close. Jin looked equally confused, a small frown adorning his face as if he was not very sure of what was going on, on why there were lips moving against his own.
It took them a few moments to react. Jin pulled away suddenly, and Yamapi regretted it immediately, missing the soft full lips the moment they were gone. Jin was licking them nervously, but his friend did not realize he was mirroring the action. It was embarrasing as they looked at each other, blushing to the tips of their ears and rearranging themselves on the bed-sofa so they were not touching anymore. Jin grabbed the remote control and turned the TV on, settling for a re-run of an old drama.
Neither of them were very sure of how nor when they fell asleep, but they woke up curled against each other, limbs entangled, backs sore and aching. They groaned and stretched as they woke up slowly. They blushed as they turned to look at each other, quickly scrambling out of the mattress and shifting uncomfortably, not daring to look at each other. Yamapi was the first to speak.
“Uhm... I- I think I’ll go to... Uh... Sh- shower.”
“R- right. I... Uhm... Oh, ma- make breakfast.”
When they sat down to eat Jin was smiling as if nothing had happened, and Yamapi decided to act like the kiss had never occured, but it was obvious for the next few days that neither of them had forgotten it.
- - -
Yamapi had seen Jin looking at the paper the few times they had passed by the club, a white sheet with big black letters stuck on the wall. He had not stopped to read it before, but he decided to ask about it one day when he passed by alone on his way to work. As he was told about the conditions of the job he could not stop a smile from taking over his lips; it was no wonder Jin had been interested. He considered the situation for a moment, and finally decided to ignore the consequences. It was almost Christmas anyway. He asked for a pamphlet, tucked it in his trousers pocket and headed for work with a excited smile.
Jin looked curiously at the sheet of paper laying on the kitchen table when he came back home, Yamapi having arrived earlier than him for once. He blinked when he recognized it, shooting his friend a confused glance that Yamapi returned with a wide smile. The paper offered musicians to earn some extra money playing at the club two nights a week, with the possibility to get a higher pay if the public liked it.
“I saw you looking at it. I think you should take it.”
“B- But Pi... I can’t. I mean, what would I play with? My guitar...”
“That can be solved.”
Jin blinked at him, a small frown forming on his face as he started to catch up with his friend’s intentions. “... What have you done, Pi?”
“I have a present for you~”
Before Jin could even start complaining, Yamapi pulled a black guitar case from behind the couch, a bright red ribbon tied around it. He pushed it toward Jin, who took it carefully, running his hands over the case until he found the zipper. He looked at Yamapi with wide eyes.
“I... I ca- can’t accept this, Pi! I... I- It’s too much, I can’t...”
“Oh, come on! Don’t be silly, of course you can. Take it as an early Christmas present, okay?”
“But Pi! It’s too much!”
“No, it’s not. I want you to have it, okay? Come on, open it!”
Jin looked back an forth between the case and his friend a couple of times, gulping before slowly pulling the zipper down. The guitar was beautiful, dark shiny wood with black edges, smooth and cold under his fingers. The strings vibrated when he pulled softly on them, skillfull digits playing a sweet short melody. Jin’s eyes were wet and full of emotion when he looked up, biting on his lip. Yamapi laughed, ruffling his friend’s hair playfully.
“Don’t tell me you’re going to cry? Don’t be such a girl, idiot! Do you like it?”
Yamapi stumbled back and fell sitting on the couch, a pained gasp leaving his lips at the unexpected weight of his friend’s body colliding against his in an asphyxiating hug that he was happy to return, arms tightening around the shaking shoulders as he took a little too much pleasure in the sweet smell of his friend’s shampoo close to his face.
- - -
Jin had been behaving nervously for the whole week before Christmas, working more hours than normally and being unusually silent around Yamapi, so the man was not really surprised when Jin insisted on inviting him out for dinner on Christmas Day, already suspecting Jin was up to something. He accepted with a smile, sensing the blush that crept onto his cheeks, identical to the one he could see on Jin, at the implications of a dinner out on precisely that day.
When it was actually down to the 25th Jin was almost in hysterics. He had woken even before Yamapi left for work, even though he had asked for a free day at the conbini, which he had gotten without problems. By lunch time he had called three times to the restaurant to check his table was indeed booked, and had his clothes laid out on the couch, making sure he had everything. He took longer than usual in the bathroom, shaving and trying to tame down his hair, making sure it was as perfect as possible. He checked the kitchen’s clock nervously when he was fairly content with the result, and rushed to get dressed, since Yamapi was just about to come back.
Playing at the pub a couple of nights per week, plus the tips he got and the job at the conbini he had managed to save enough to book a table at a good restaurant, not exactly luxurious but decent. He had also bought new clothes, light blue jeans, a white and blue stripped shirt and an elegant navy blue jacket, as well as new shoes. He looked at himself on the full lenght mirror in Yamapi’s bedroom, turning around slowly to check his image. He got so engrossed that he did not notice the front door opening and closing, and only realized Yamapi had arrived when the man whistled appreciatively at the sight in his bedroom.
Jin whipped around, red to the tips of his ears as he greeted Yamapi, stammering. His friend was smiling from ear to ear as he walked up to Jin and rearranged his jacket, making the man blush darker. He took a few steps back to evaluate the sight again, making Jin shift uncomfortably as he thought for a moment before raising a hand in a triumphant gesture and going to fetch a tie from the drawer. He wrapped it around Jin’s collar, doing the knot and closing the jacket once he was done. He stepped back again, smiling.
“There, much sexier now.”
Jin sputtered something indignantly, face burning now as he pushed Yamapi unceremoniously toward the bathroom. While the man was showering Jin stuffed the little box that held his friend’s gift into his pocket and checked his image again, a shy smile creeping to his lips as he ran his fingers lightly over the tie. He spent some minutes counting the money in his wallet, making sure it was enough to pay for the dinner. He checked it a couple of times, counting slowly to not make a mistake and even using a calculator, though he put it away quickly so Yamapi would not see him.
The walk to the restaurant was a silent one, since Jin was so nervous he kept stammering over his words, and as much as Yamapi was trying to hide it he was not much better. He had been trying to suppress the thought, but two people going out for dinner on Christmas sounded like such a... romantic plan. He felt himself blushing every time he thought about it, and it was getting ridiculous. He was not a teenager anymore, he should not react like that. In fact, he should have confessed to Jin already... He had learnt with the years that love was not to be bottled inside. He knew he should tell Jin how he felt, but would Jin not feel disgusted? They were men. Yamapi had came to terms with it a long time ago but Jin... He did not want to lose his friend.
The restaurant was not very big, but it was filled with a nice atmosphere. The Christmas decorations were nice and shiny, adding to the warm feeling of the local. The food was nice too, Italian and accompained with an expensive delicious wine that surprised Yamapi. The drink allowed them to relax too, and soon they were chatting animatedly over the food and laughing. The waiters did shoot them a couple of weird glances, two guys having dinner alone on Christmas, but they were too engrossed in each other to notice.
It was already dark when they went out, Christmas lights shining everywhere. It was cold, their breath turning into white puffs in front of them. They started walking closer unconsciously, seeking for each other’s warmth. They had their hands tucked into their pockets, noses red and cheeks flushed with cold. The lights hanging over the streets were beautiful and colorful, bells, ribbons, candy canes and Santas shining over them. The trees were decorated with blue and golden lights, and even the people rushing in the streets contributed to the magic feeling, their thick coats, gloves, hats and scarfs all but reinforcing the Christmas athmosphere. Jin smiled as a kid ran by them, squealing happily as he pulled on his mother’s hand and pointed excitedly to a shop’s window.
They ended up in a nice square surronded by trees. It was not very big, kind of isolated from the main streets, so it was empty. However, there was a big Christmas tree in its middle, prettily decorated with lights and baubles and a star on its top. Yamapi stopped to admire it, and Jin halted behind him too. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment to encourage himself. When he opened them again Yamapi had turned around to look at him with a half amused, half confused look, eyebrows raising in a questioning gesture. Jin gave him a doubtful smile, and pulled the little box out of his pocket, shoving it into his friend’s gloved hands before he could lose his resolution.
“Merry Christmas!”
Yamapi blinked at the black little box, surprised. He looked back at Jin, who was nodding for him to open it. There was a small noise as he lifted the lid, and then the shine of something silver under the Christmas lights. He took it out a little shocked, a tiny pair of silver sunglasses hanging from a thin chain. He smiled widely after the initial shock faded away, looking up at Jin.
“This is cool, Jin! I love them, thank you!”
Jin smiled too, looking down. “I- I’m glad you do... I was thinking of getting you a ring b- but that would be corny a- and... Ilikeyou.”
Yamapi gasped at Jin’s words, eyes widening as the man’s head sunk lower between his shoulders, cheeks blushing madly. When he did not say anything, Jin looked up at him with a hint of fear in his eyes, only to divert his sight immediately with a pained expression.
“Lo- look, I’m sorry... I- I know I shouldn’t have said that so ju- just... Ignore it? I don’t want to lose you as a friend so please... I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me, just pretend I never said anything, I didn't mean it, I- I... just got... carried away and thought that ma- maybe you too... B- but it’s fine, just...”
“Jin.” Yamapi cut Jin’s rambling, taking a step closer to his friend. “Jin, look at me.”
When the man did not Yamapi raised a hand to cup Jin’s face, raising his face slowly. His friend’s eyes were dark and bottomless, wavering with so many emotions Yamapi almost got lost in them. He brushed his thumb lovingly over Jin’s cheek, smiling softly at the surprise in his expression. He was kind of confused at how calm he was. Having thought that Jin would never like him back, Yamapi had always imagined that he would be the one surprised and stammering if Jin confessed, yet he felt totally serene, calm happiness spreading through his whole being instead of the wavering mix of emotions he had expected.
“It’s fine, Jin. I like you too. It’s fine.”
Jin opened his mouth in a gasp, maybe to say something that was lost forever as Yamapi leaned forward to close his lips over the other man’s. He felt Jin’s body jerking in surprise at the action, but he only pulled the man closer to himself, arms tightening around him in a warm embrace as he continued to kiss him, and soon enough Jin started responding. It was sweet and slow, time forgotten as their lips moved against each other, pouring emotions that had been bottled inside them for too long, and not even when they broke the kiss did reality start again. The white puffs of their breathing mixing together as Yamapi rested his forehead against Jin’s, cheeks flushed and hot against the cold night, hands tightening over coats as if they feared the other would leave. Jin was looking at him a little dazed, chest rising in heavy pants as he was still trying to regain his breath. Yamapi nudged his nose against his with a contented sight.
“It’s fine.” He repeated, gaze unwavered and filled with love as he fixed it on Jin’s eyes. “I love you. It’s fine.”
It finally sunk into Jin’s brain, his arms tightening their embrace around Yamapi. He wanted to talk, to find the right words to express what he was feeling, the warmth suddenly spreading through his body as the other’s breath brushed over his own face, close and comforting, yet not close enough. There was a lump in his throat that killed his words, the ones he could not find in the spinning crazyness of his mind, and he could only think about the happiness filling him, the smell of Yamapi’s cologne surrounding him and the surreal feeling of it all, like the little square had turned into a different world, one that was their own, where the cold faded into warmth, a sky with a hundred brightly coloured stars hanging over them.
Jin closed his eyes for a moment, and when he looked back at Yamapi it was enough; the shine in his eyes expressing everything he could not say. This time it was Jin who raised his hands to cup the other’s face, palms cold against flushed cheeks, and meshed their lips together, smiles matching each other’s as they kissed again, long and slow, two lovers standing alone in the cold night under the glistening mistletoe.
“Look, I have to go to work now. I won’t be back until dinner, but there’s food in the fridge. If you need anything, help yourself to it. You have the key, if you need to go out... Really, feel at home. We can talk at night, okay? Try to rest some more, and have a nice day!”
He patted Jin’s shoulder lightly on his way out, but the other man just nodded at him with the tiniest trace of a smile on his lips. That little gesture, along with his friend’s general gloomy mood left Yamapi worried for the rest of the day. He chewed on his lower lip absently while he worked, and barely resisted the urge to dial his own house’s number on his mobile phone, thinking that Jin would take it as an offence, and with the man’s mood that was the last thing he needed.
The train back home seemed to take three times longer to arrive to his usual station, and Yamapi had to remind himself to walk at a normal pace every five minutes. He did not even know what was wrong with him, from where the urge to check Jin was alright came from. His friend was already an adult, a grown man who knew how to take care of himself, probably much better than Yamapi, yet he could not suppress the feeling that made him want to run all the way home.
“Jin?” Yamapi pushed the door to close after him as he knocked his shoes off. “Jin? Are you home?”
He had no answer as he walked into the house. He felt his heart beating faster as it seemed to be empty, Jin’s shoes missing on the genkan. He threw his coat onto the coach as he walked further inside, looking around. Jin had made the bed up and washed the dishes, that were piled up on the counter, but counting them Yamapi realized the man had not had lunch, which could only mean he had not taken his painkillers either, since they could not be taken without having eaten first. Yamapi cursed loudly, only finding the note resting on the table when he looked away from the plates.
It was a post-it taken from the stack Yamapi had stuck on the fridge, messy shaky words inked in blue over the yellow paper. Jin’s handwriting was similar to a kid’s, plagued with misspelled words and grammatical mistakes, but it was clear enough for the man to understand it. Jin apologized for all the trouble he had caused Yamapi the previous day and assured him he would be alright, adding in the post data that he had left the spare key under the mat. Yamapi had not even finished reading the note when he dashed out of the door, barely stopping for a few seconds to put on his shoes and check the key was indeed were the paper said.
Yamapi arrived at the park in record time, but Jin wasn’t there. He called out for him, running around as he tried to find his friend. The park was not that big and Jin lived there, he should be able to find him... Unless Jin was trying to purposely avoid him, in which case, Yamapi realized with dread, he would never be able to find him. Jin had no permanent residence, no mobile phone, and he had not the slightest idea where he could be...
Yamapi plopped down on a bench an hour later, exhausted. He propped his elbows up on his knees, burying his face in his hands with a long heavy sigh, eyes closed tightly. He was shivering in cold, not having grabbed his coat before leaving the house, but he did not even feel it. He just could not believe what was happening. He could not believe Jin was gone like that, and he could not even imagine what he had done for Jin to leave him without a word of explanation nor as much as a goodbye, only a note scribbled on a post-it...
The man forced himself to take a deep breath and calm down. He was just overreacting. Jin was an adult, a grown man that could already take care of himself. If he had left, he surely had his reasons, and Yamapi ought to respect them. Jin had been beaten up less than a day ago, so maybe he just wanted some time alone. Yamapi got up from the bench, hugging himself and rubbing his arms vigorously to warm himself up as he started to walk back home. His steps were loud against the hard concrete, and despite his determination to respect Jin’s decision he could not stop himself from looking back with a worried frown every now and then. He was still trying to convince himself that it would be alright when he pushed his bed covers over his body, promising himself they would talk things through as soon as he found his friend.
Much to his dismay, he could not find Jin the next day either. It was Saturday, so he decided to go searching for him again but, as he soon realized, he had no clue where to look for him. He checked the park a few times before going to the station. He took the line that went to the station where he had first found Jin playing the guitar, but having lost the musical instrument his friend was not there either. However, Yamapi ate at the same cafeteria where they had gone together, and tried again in the afternoon. It was dark by the time he went back home, and the park was as deserted as ever. When Sunday proved just as useless as the day before Yamapi’s anxiety only grew, and he started considering going to the closest police station to declare the man’s disappearance.
He had hoped work would help to distract him, but it did not. Yamapi kept squirming on his seat, getting up to drink and getting distracted, his heart skipping a beat as he jumped a little every time he heard an ambulance rushing past the street. Not knowing where Jin was, or even if he was alright, was driving him crazy with worry. He could not help looking around for any traces of his friend when he walked around the streets, rode the trains or walked in or out of the stations, and he had started walking through the park in the mornings too, waking up earlier than usual. The worry made him toss around in bed, suffer from nightmares and lose hours of sleep.
It was obvious in the way he was behaving that there was something wrong with him, and soon enough his co-workers noticed it. They ganged up on him at the end of the week and told him to tag along for a few drinks, pushing him until he finally accepted. The bar was crowded with men like them, dressed in dark suits and carrying their briefcases, drinking to forget the hardships of the week. It was warm and lively inside the local, and though he could barely move without bumping against other people, the atmosphere was nice. As the toasts passed from group to group the glasses promptly piled up on the counter, and a few drinks became enough to make him feel suddenly giddy and light-headed.
It was already late when they finally decided to go back home, so there were no more trains and they were all too drunk to even consider driving. Thankfully enough they managed to stop a taxi, huddling close to each other in the tight space they had. Yamapi ended up pressed against the window, the cold glass against his warm cheek. He looked outside as the taxi started moving, lights and cars quickly passing by. Even though it was almost midnight, the traffic was still dense and pretty crowded. The noises and the passing lights were making Yamapi dizzy, so he pressed his forehead against the cool glass. At least he was thankful that he could not think clearly anymore. Forgetting felt good.
There were construction works on the road, fences with bright yellow lights surrounding the perimeter to separate it from the traffic. The enormous machines looked like sleeping monsters, their metal spades all but fangs and claws as their metal shined under the dancing shadows and coloured lights of the city. The image made him giggle as his intoxicated state was obvious even for himself. As the taxi got closer Yamapi could see the men holding bright cones to direct the traffic away from the works. He shivered only thinking about being in their situation, freezing outside in the cold night, standing for hours without pause for a ridiculous pay...
A gasp left Yamapi’s lips when they passed by the men, and he pressed himself closer against the glass. The closer one to them was Jin? He looked so much like him, it had to be him! The purple hoodie was the same Jin always wore and his face... Yamapi could swear it was him, but it was only a fleeting moment before the taxi left the works behind. He tried to roll the window down to call out for him, but his hands were clumsy because of the alcohol, and his co-workers started complaining in loud voices as soon as he managed to do it, hands reaching for the knob to roll it up again.
Yamapi pressed himself against the window, wide eyes scanning the street eagerly, but they were already too far, the only trace of the construction works he could see a couple of light in the distace, mixing with those of the buildings and cars. He sunk into his seat with a defeated sigh, burying his face in his palms. He felt a soft clapping on his shoulder, one of his co-workers suggesting he should leave the car if he was getting dizzy. Yamapi shook his head and closed his eyes. He was drunk. It probably had not been Jin, he had just imagined it. He was not thinking clearly and he missed his friend, it must have been that.
- - -
Yamapi woke up the next day with the mother of all headaches, start exploding behind his eyes every time he moved his head. He did not even remember how he had got home last night, though that would explain why he had woken on the couch and was still wearing his suit. His back hurt as he dragged himself toward the bathroom, but he was actually feeling a lot better after a cold shower, a coffee and a painkiller. He had just started cooking lunch when someone rang the doorbell.
He almost closed the door again out of surprise when he found Jin standing outside. He felt his jaw dropping as he stared at the man, and could only sputter wordlessly, moving away to let his friend in. Jin stood in the genkan, not even taking his shoes off as he twisted his hands nervously.
“Jin, what... Where have you been? I was so worried... A- Are you alright?”
“Yeah, just fine.”
Yamapi looked at him. It was obvious than the man was lying. He stood uncomfortably, resting his weight mostly on his left leg, as the limp Yamapi had expected to have disappeared was back. He looked exhausted, shoulders hunched forward and big dark bags under his eyes. He was avoiding Yamapi’s gaze, eyebrows knotted in a frown since the moment he had stepped in. His clothes looked dirtier than usual, and considerably more torn. He fidgeted a little as he pulled a white envelope from the back pocket of his jeans, handing it to Yamapi, who took it with a questioning look.
“That... There’s around 12,500 yen in there. The hospital fees and the painkillers... I guess it’s about enough to pay you back for that.”
“B- But the money... How...?”
“It doesn’t matter. Thank you for everything.”
Yamapi stared at the envelope dumbfounded as Jin gave him a polite bow. He only reacted when he heard Jin turning around to open the door. Stumbling forward he grabbed his friend’s shoulder and spun him around roughly. Jin’s eyes were cold as he looked at him, though he did not miss the hurt laying behind the man’s pretended indifference as Jin shook his hand off.
“I have told you before. I don’t need your pity. Goodbye.”
Yamapi was not thinking when he slammed Jin against the door. The man gasped in pain, trying to break free, but he was in no condition to fight against his friend. He looked at Yamapi with shocked eyes, but the other was far too angry to notice. He pushed Jin inside harshly, not even caring if he was still wearing his shoes, and forced the man to sit down on the couch. He threw the envelope at his friend’s chest, fist closed tightly at his sides. He had to take a deep breath not to start shouting, and even then his voice sounded tight and furious.
“What the fuck have you done to get this, Jin.”
“What...?”
“The money. How. Did you. Get it.”
Jin’s face darkened, obviously catching up with Yamapi’s brain. He crossed his arms over his chest, looking away. “None of your business.”
“Jin!”
“I’m not a kid, Yamashita! What I did only concerns me. You have your money now, so I’m leaving already. Bye.”
It flashed through Yamapi’s mind as Jin got up, images from the night before he had thought forgotten. Traffic lights, cars and streets bubbling with activity, construction works on the road and men holding bright signals to divert the traffic, a familiar face among them. Yamapi sighed, running a hand through his hair and reaching to grab Jin’s arm again, stopping the man.
“Jin... You worked on the construction site?” The surprise that the man’s face reflected was all the answer Yamapi needed, and he sighed again, shaking his head. “Didn’t you hear the doctor? You were supposed to rest until you recovered...”
“I have priorities, Yamshita. There were things that needed to be done. You have your money now, I will rest if that is what worries you so much. I can take care of myself.”
Before he could think about what he was doing Yamapi had his arms around Jin’s body, pressing it close to his own. Jin gasped in surprise, looking down at his friend, but as it seemed Yamapi was not going to release him anytime soon he wrapped his arms around his friend’s shoulders in a doubtful gesture. The embrace was awkward and kind of uncomfortable, and Yamapi rushed to break it when Jin moaned a little in pain at the pressure of his arms. Realizing what he had done the man shifted a little, clearing his throat and scratching the back of his head as a light blush crept over his cheeks.
“Look... W- Why don’t you go to take a bath? You’ll find towels stacked on the bathroom shelf, take all the time you need...”
“Pi, I -”
“Don’t say anything! Ju- just... Take a bath, okay? We can have lunch when you’re done and talk all of this over... Please?”
Jin sighed, letting his head drop forward and closing his eyes. He had gone to return Yamapi his money and to tell him he did not need his pity; he could not accept what the other was offering. He had his pride as a man and he could not give it up just because he was tired... And yet the offer of a warm bath and food sounded so tempting. He had not eaten in days, trying to save as much money as possible, and he had been working in shifts of twelve hours. barely resting, and his body felt at its limit... He was exhausted, physically and mentally, he did not have the strength to deal with that right then...
He lost consciousness for a moment, and his body swayed dangerously back and forth, almost making him fall. Strong arms caught him before he could, but it still took him a moment to open his eyes, blinking slowly. He shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind, but it only made his dizzy feeling grow. Before he noticed it, Yamapi had led him to the bathroom and the bathtub was slowly filling, steam rising from the water. The man was looking at him with concern, pressing a hand to his forehead.
“Jin? Are you alright? Can you undress alone?” Jin nodded slowly, though his mind still felt dense, like his head was filled will rocks. He grabbed his hoodie, clumsily pulling it over his head, though at the end he did need some help to take it off. Yamapi smiled softly and shut off the faucet before heading for the door. “Take your time, okay? Call me if you need anything.”
It took over an hour for Jin to get out of the bathtub, a towel tightly wrapped around his waist as he stepped into the living room. Yamapi had to actually bite back a curse at the sight of his friend’s protruding ribs, having obviously lost a considerable amount of weight. He rushed to hand the man some clothes, and filled his plate with some extra rice while Jin was changing.
Lunch was silent, both of them barely daring to look up from their plates as they ate. The atmosphere was tense and uncomfortable, filled with too many unspoken words that neither one dared to say first. However, they knew the situation could not be pushed much further, so Jin decided not to complain when Yamapi pushed a painkiller toward him over the table, taking it and moving to sit on the couch while the man put the plates away, joining him shortly with a heavy sigh. It was uncomfortable as neither of them knew how to start. Yamapi took the white envelope from the couch, toying with it distractedly between his fingers as he sighed again.
“Jin... Here. Take it, you have worked hard to earn it...”
Jin frowned, pushing the envelope back toward his friends. “It’s yours. To pay back for the hospital fees, it’s only fair...”
“No, it’s not, Jin, and it’s not necessary!”
“Of course it is!” Jin had raised his voice, sounding angry and offended, a hurt frown knotting his brows together. “I don’t need your pity, Yamashi -”
“God, will you stop that?!” The man’s yell startled Jin, who jumped a little where he was sitting. “It’s not pity, Jin! When will you finally understand that?! I don’t pity you! Do you think I’d feed every homeless I met?! Let them into my house just like that?! It’s not pity, Jin, it’s friendship! I care about you because you’re my friend, not because I pity you!”
Yamapi was breathing raggedly when he stopped, chest rising and falling quickly. He was frowning, and his eyes burnt with anger as he glared at Jin. The man seemed to have become smaller on the couch at the shouts, knees pulled up to his chest in a defensive stance. He had lowered his head, looking cautiously at Yamapi through his fringe. Yamapi took a deep breath, willing himself to calm down, and cleared his throat before starting again.
“I want you to understand this, Jin. Because if you don’t, this friendship can’t work. If I had only pitied you I would have given you some money when passing you on the street, smiled and continued my way. If you are here, sitting on my couch, wearing my clothes and sharing my food, if I paid for your hospital fees and offered you to sleep in my bed it is not because I pity you, Jin. Maybe I did, at first. But not anymore. Now... We’re friends, Jin, and you said it yourself. Friends should be equal. You helped me the first time we met, and I know you would do it again if I ever needed it. But it’s you who needs help now, Jin, and if I’m trying to give you hand here you can’t keep refusing me! I’m your friend, Jin. Please, let me help you.”
Jin had sunk into the couch during Yamapi’s speech, and was resting his chin on his knees. The short sleeved t-shirt Yamapi had given him to wear left his arms bare, revealing the dark bruises that still covered the skin. When his friend ran his fingertips softly over them Jin leaned into the touch with a sigh. He rested his body against his friend’s slowly, almost carefully, as if expecting to be pushed away. He cuddled closer to Yamapi when the man wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and smiled up at him. Yamapi rested his cheek ontop Jin’s head.
“I want you to move in.”
“Pi...”
“Jin, wait. Let me finish. If you don’t feel like... Just accepting it, you can pay me rent. I know a guy who owns a conbini, he could hire you. If you don’t mind cleaning the floors and arranging the shelves... The pay isn’t exactly amazing, but it’d be enough to pay me a rent and save some money. Jin, please... Accept this. Let me help you. Please.”
Yamapi felt his heart beating madly for the moment it took Jin to nod slowly against his chest. He released the breath he had not realized he had been holding. Jin shuffled a little and Yamapi raised his arm a little, thinking he might be trying to get free of his embrace, but Jin did not move away, only looked up to smile softly at him.
“Thank you, Pi.”
Yamapi nodded, a sudden lump in his throat killing his words, and tightened his embrace around his friend.
- - -
It took them some time to get used to living with each other. Jin slept on the couch, and at the end Yamapi decided to buy a bed-sofa, though Jin complained that it was alright. Despite Yamapi’s attempts, Jin ended up paying half of the price, arguing that it was him who was going to sleep on it, hence it was only fair he paid for it. He also insisted on buying his own share of food and pay for house products, smiling happily while flashing his brand new salary. Jin was punctual, polite and hardworking. While most of the workers at the conbini were just students who found the job boring, Jin’s attitude impressed his boss so much that he was given more responsibilities after only a week.
However, living with Jin proved more difficult than Yamapi had thought. He was not sure when exactly he start to feel attracted to Jin, but soon he could not help a blush taking over his cheeks whenever Jin stepped out of the shower half naked, nor the pleasant tug at his heart when he saw his flatmate’s sleep tousled hair and disoriented blinking early in the morning, though he tried hard to hide it and behave normally around Jin. The new clothes the man had bought did not exactly help him, since he seemed to look amazing in every new garment he got. He was glad Jin did not own any suits, because the day he had tried one of Yamapi’s just for a laugh, he had look drop-dead gorgeous.
It was one of the first days of December, and they had been drinking all evening. The empty cans of beer were piling up on the coffee table, and they were nursing the last two ones from the fridge. They had opened the bed-sofa to be more comfortable, but with the two of them sprawled on the mattress the space seemed smaller, bodies close and touching. At some point Jin ended up lying half on top of him, breath hot on his neck as he giggled and Yamapi could not help but squirm and tense up, terribly uncomfortable with his friend’s proximity but at the same time not wanting the warm weight gone.
Yamapi was not really sure how it happened. They shifted at the same time, Jin tyring to find a more comfortable position and his friend moving to adjust to him. Suddenly his hand brushed over Jin’s collarbone and there was a loud squeak. Jin thrashed violently and next thing they knew Jin was sprawled on top of him, eyes wide and lips against lips. Yamapi blinked up at him, eyes crossing with the effort of looking at him from so close. Jin looked equally confused, a small frown adorning his face as if he was not very sure of what was going on, on why there were lips moving against his own.
It took them a few moments to react. Jin pulled away suddenly, and Yamapi regretted it immediately, missing the soft full lips the moment they were gone. Jin was licking them nervously, but his friend did not realize he was mirroring the action. It was embarrasing as they looked at each other, blushing to the tips of their ears and rearranging themselves on the bed-sofa so they were not touching anymore. Jin grabbed the remote control and turned the TV on, settling for a re-run of an old drama.
Neither of them were very sure of how nor when they fell asleep, but they woke up curled against each other, limbs entangled, backs sore and aching. They groaned and stretched as they woke up slowly. They blushed as they turned to look at each other, quickly scrambling out of the mattress and shifting uncomfortably, not daring to look at each other. Yamapi was the first to speak.
“Uhm... I- I think I’ll go to... Uh... Sh- shower.”
“R- right. I... Uhm... Oh, ma- make breakfast.”
When they sat down to eat Jin was smiling as if nothing had happened, and Yamapi decided to act like the kiss had never occured, but it was obvious for the next few days that neither of them had forgotten it.
- - -
Yamapi had seen Jin looking at the paper the few times they had passed by the club, a white sheet with big black letters stuck on the wall. He had not stopped to read it before, but he decided to ask about it one day when he passed by alone on his way to work. As he was told about the conditions of the job he could not stop a smile from taking over his lips; it was no wonder Jin had been interested. He considered the situation for a moment, and finally decided to ignore the consequences. It was almost Christmas anyway. He asked for a pamphlet, tucked it in his trousers pocket and headed for work with a excited smile.
Jin looked curiously at the sheet of paper laying on the kitchen table when he came back home, Yamapi having arrived earlier than him for once. He blinked when he recognized it, shooting his friend a confused glance that Yamapi returned with a wide smile. The paper offered musicians to earn some extra money playing at the club two nights a week, with the possibility to get a higher pay if the public liked it.
“I saw you looking at it. I think you should take it.”
“B- But Pi... I can’t. I mean, what would I play with? My guitar...”
“That can be solved.”
Jin blinked at him, a small frown forming on his face as he started to catch up with his friend’s intentions. “... What have you done, Pi?”
“I have a present for you~”
Before Jin could even start complaining, Yamapi pulled a black guitar case from behind the couch, a bright red ribbon tied around it. He pushed it toward Jin, who took it carefully, running his hands over the case until he found the zipper. He looked at Yamapi with wide eyes.
“I... I ca- can’t accept this, Pi! I... I- It’s too much, I can’t...”
“Oh, come on! Don’t be silly, of course you can. Take it as an early Christmas present, okay?”
“But Pi! It’s too much!”
“No, it’s not. I want you to have it, okay? Come on, open it!”
Jin looked back an forth between the case and his friend a couple of times, gulping before slowly pulling the zipper down. The guitar was beautiful, dark shiny wood with black edges, smooth and cold under his fingers. The strings vibrated when he pulled softly on them, skillfull digits playing a sweet short melody. Jin’s eyes were wet and full of emotion when he looked up, biting on his lip. Yamapi laughed, ruffling his friend’s hair playfully.
“Don’t tell me you’re going to cry? Don’t be such a girl, idiot! Do you like it?”
Yamapi stumbled back and fell sitting on the couch, a pained gasp leaving his lips at the unexpected weight of his friend’s body colliding against his in an asphyxiating hug that he was happy to return, arms tightening around the shaking shoulders as he took a little too much pleasure in the sweet smell of his friend’s shampoo close to his face.
- - -
Jin had been behaving nervously for the whole week before Christmas, working more hours than normally and being unusually silent around Yamapi, so the man was not really surprised when Jin insisted on inviting him out for dinner on Christmas Day, already suspecting Jin was up to something. He accepted with a smile, sensing the blush that crept onto his cheeks, identical to the one he could see on Jin, at the implications of a dinner out on precisely that day.
When it was actually down to the 25th Jin was almost in hysterics. He had woken even before Yamapi left for work, even though he had asked for a free day at the conbini, which he had gotten without problems. By lunch time he had called three times to the restaurant to check his table was indeed booked, and had his clothes laid out on the couch, making sure he had everything. He took longer than usual in the bathroom, shaving and trying to tame down his hair, making sure it was as perfect as possible. He checked the kitchen’s clock nervously when he was fairly content with the result, and rushed to get dressed, since Yamapi was just about to come back.
Playing at the pub a couple of nights per week, plus the tips he got and the job at the conbini he had managed to save enough to book a table at a good restaurant, not exactly luxurious but decent. He had also bought new clothes, light blue jeans, a white and blue stripped shirt and an elegant navy blue jacket, as well as new shoes. He looked at himself on the full lenght mirror in Yamapi’s bedroom, turning around slowly to check his image. He got so engrossed that he did not notice the front door opening and closing, and only realized Yamapi had arrived when the man whistled appreciatively at the sight in his bedroom.
Jin whipped around, red to the tips of his ears as he greeted Yamapi, stammering. His friend was smiling from ear to ear as he walked up to Jin and rearranged his jacket, making the man blush darker. He took a few steps back to evaluate the sight again, making Jin shift uncomfortably as he thought for a moment before raising a hand in a triumphant gesture and going to fetch a tie from the drawer. He wrapped it around Jin’s collar, doing the knot and closing the jacket once he was done. He stepped back again, smiling.
“There, much sexier now.”
Jin sputtered something indignantly, face burning now as he pushed Yamapi unceremoniously toward the bathroom. While the man was showering Jin stuffed the little box that held his friend’s gift into his pocket and checked his image again, a shy smile creeping to his lips as he ran his fingers lightly over the tie. He spent some minutes counting the money in his wallet, making sure it was enough to pay for the dinner. He checked it a couple of times, counting slowly to not make a mistake and even using a calculator, though he put it away quickly so Yamapi would not see him.
The walk to the restaurant was a silent one, since Jin was so nervous he kept stammering over his words, and as much as Yamapi was trying to hide it he was not much better. He had been trying to suppress the thought, but two people going out for dinner on Christmas sounded like such a... romantic plan. He felt himself blushing every time he thought about it, and it was getting ridiculous. He was not a teenager anymore, he should not react like that. In fact, he should have confessed to Jin already... He had learnt with the years that love was not to be bottled inside. He knew he should tell Jin how he felt, but would Jin not feel disgusted? They were men. Yamapi had came to terms with it a long time ago but Jin... He did not want to lose his friend.
The restaurant was not very big, but it was filled with a nice atmosphere. The Christmas decorations were nice and shiny, adding to the warm feeling of the local. The food was nice too, Italian and accompained with an expensive delicious wine that surprised Yamapi. The drink allowed them to relax too, and soon they were chatting animatedly over the food and laughing. The waiters did shoot them a couple of weird glances, two guys having dinner alone on Christmas, but they were too engrossed in each other to notice.
It was already dark when they went out, Christmas lights shining everywhere. It was cold, their breath turning into white puffs in front of them. They started walking closer unconsciously, seeking for each other’s warmth. They had their hands tucked into their pockets, noses red and cheeks flushed with cold. The lights hanging over the streets were beautiful and colorful, bells, ribbons, candy canes and Santas shining over them. The trees were decorated with blue and golden lights, and even the people rushing in the streets contributed to the magic feeling, their thick coats, gloves, hats and scarfs all but reinforcing the Christmas athmosphere. Jin smiled as a kid ran by them, squealing happily as he pulled on his mother’s hand and pointed excitedly to a shop’s window.
They ended up in a nice square surronded by trees. It was not very big, kind of isolated from the main streets, so it was empty. However, there was a big Christmas tree in its middle, prettily decorated with lights and baubles and a star on its top. Yamapi stopped to admire it, and Jin halted behind him too. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment to encourage himself. When he opened them again Yamapi had turned around to look at him with a half amused, half confused look, eyebrows raising in a questioning gesture. Jin gave him a doubtful smile, and pulled the little box out of his pocket, shoving it into his friend’s gloved hands before he could lose his resolution.
“Merry Christmas!”
Yamapi blinked at the black little box, surprised. He looked back at Jin, who was nodding for him to open it. There was a small noise as he lifted the lid, and then the shine of something silver under the Christmas lights. He took it out a little shocked, a tiny pair of silver sunglasses hanging from a thin chain. He smiled widely after the initial shock faded away, looking up at Jin.
“This is cool, Jin! I love them, thank you!”
Jin smiled too, looking down. “I- I’m glad you do... I was thinking of getting you a ring b- but that would be corny a- and... Ilikeyou.”
Yamapi gasped at Jin’s words, eyes widening as the man’s head sunk lower between his shoulders, cheeks blushing madly. When he did not say anything, Jin looked up at him with a hint of fear in his eyes, only to divert his sight immediately with a pained expression.
“Lo- look, I’m sorry... I- I know I shouldn’t have said that so ju- just... Ignore it? I don’t want to lose you as a friend so please... I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me, just pretend I never said anything, I didn't mean it, I- I... just got... carried away and thought that ma- maybe you too... B- but it’s fine, just...”
“Jin.” Yamapi cut Jin’s rambling, taking a step closer to his friend. “Jin, look at me.”
When the man did not Yamapi raised a hand to cup Jin’s face, raising his face slowly. His friend’s eyes were dark and bottomless, wavering with so many emotions Yamapi almost got lost in them. He brushed his thumb lovingly over Jin’s cheek, smiling softly at the surprise in his expression. He was kind of confused at how calm he was. Having thought that Jin would never like him back, Yamapi had always imagined that he would be the one surprised and stammering if Jin confessed, yet he felt totally serene, calm happiness spreading through his whole being instead of the wavering mix of emotions he had expected.
“It’s fine, Jin. I like you too. It’s fine.”
Jin opened his mouth in a gasp, maybe to say something that was lost forever as Yamapi leaned forward to close his lips over the other man’s. He felt Jin’s body jerking in surprise at the action, but he only pulled the man closer to himself, arms tightening around him in a warm embrace as he continued to kiss him, and soon enough Jin started responding. It was sweet and slow, time forgotten as their lips moved against each other, pouring emotions that had been bottled inside them for too long, and not even when they broke the kiss did reality start again. The white puffs of their breathing mixing together as Yamapi rested his forehead against Jin’s, cheeks flushed and hot against the cold night, hands tightening over coats as if they feared the other would leave. Jin was looking at him a little dazed, chest rising in heavy pants as he was still trying to regain his breath. Yamapi nudged his nose against his with a contented sight.
“It’s fine.” He repeated, gaze unwavered and filled with love as he fixed it on Jin’s eyes. “I love you. It’s fine.”
It finally sunk into Jin’s brain, his arms tightening their embrace around Yamapi. He wanted to talk, to find the right words to express what he was feeling, the warmth suddenly spreading through his body as the other’s breath brushed over his own face, close and comforting, yet not close enough. There was a lump in his throat that killed his words, the ones he could not find in the spinning crazyness of his mind, and he could only think about the happiness filling him, the smell of Yamapi’s cologne surrounding him and the surreal feeling of it all, like the little square had turned into a different world, one that was their own, where the cold faded into warmth, a sky with a hundred brightly coloured stars hanging over them.
Jin closed his eyes for a moment, and when he looked back at Yamapi it was enough; the shine in his eyes expressing everything he could not say. This time it was Jin who raised his hands to cup the other’s face, palms cold against flushed cheeks, and meshed their lips together, smiles matching each other’s as they kissed again, long and slow, two lovers standing alone in the cold night under the glistening mistletoe.