(no subject)
I kind of feel as though my friends hate me sometimes. Today when I was hanging out with Rachel and John, I kind of felt awkward for a while. I mean here is the situation. I'm good friends with John. Rachel is good friends with John. However, if it is ever JUST me and Rachel in the room, it's awkward. We don't really talk. All I could think was WOW, we used to be such good friends last year and junior year. We would talk almost every day. WTF happened?
Tbh, I feel like it is all my fault. I tend to be a huge people pleaser. I hate seeing other people sad. Last year, I kept trying to help out Adam who really really liked her. (Not to try to get with her just to be friends with her again.) Those two ended up hating each other. Unfortunately, I ended up talking to him more than I talked to her. I also really wanted Joe to go out with her even though she did not feel the same way about him. I felt really bad for these people who wanted to be with her and started listening to their problems without considering her feelings too much, I guess. I don't know. I feel like I was a huge dick in high school. I suck. It's all my fault and I'm such a horrible friend. I just wanted everyone to be happy but obviously, I helped no one.
Don't get me wrong, Rachel and I did talk and opened up to each other a bit. However, I think I've lost her trust. I doubt she really wants to be friend all that much. I mean, it's my own fault so I guess I can't really get mad at her. I feel bad and I want to make up for being such a shitty friend. I guess for once in my life, I'm going to actually try to put some effort into a friendship. (I'm usually a loner who puts no effort into any form of friendship unless the other person puts any form of effort into the friendship first. This happens even if I'm the one who REALLY wants to be friends with them.)
Tbh, I feel like it is all my fault. I tend to be a huge people pleaser. I hate seeing other people sad. Last year, I kept trying to help out Adam who really really liked her. (Not to try to get with her just to be friends with her again.) Those two ended up hating each other. Unfortunately, I ended up talking to him more than I talked to her. I also really wanted Joe to go out with her even though she did not feel the same way about him. I felt really bad for these people who wanted to be with her and started listening to their problems without considering her feelings too much, I guess. I don't know. I feel like I was a huge dick in high school. I suck. It's all my fault and I'm such a horrible friend. I just wanted everyone to be happy but obviously, I helped no one.
Don't get me wrong, Rachel and I did talk and opened up to each other a bit. However, I think I've lost her trust. I doubt she really wants to be friend all that much. I mean, it's my own fault so I guess I can't really get mad at her. I feel bad and I want to make up for being such a shitty friend. I guess for once in my life, I'm going to actually try to put some effort into a friendship. (I'm usually a loner who puts no effort into any form of friendship unless the other person puts any form of effort into the friendship first. This happens even if I'm the one who REALLY wants to be friends with them.)