Compassion is not just for sissies.
Lee Harvey Oswald was an idealist, and most of his life can be explained by his desperate search for those ideals, and the anger that arose with the world's repeated disappointments. Though history may not paint him as such, he was a compassionate person who was outraged at the injustice of the world around him.
There are times in my life when I realize that there is more to me than I realize. Sometimes it's a period of self reflection, and sometimes it's suggested by people around me. In this case, it was reading.
I've always been interested in Astrology. I'm not going to get into all the reasons why right now, so just trust me. If you want the whole long explanation, it'll be a story for another day.
Anyway, I found a book I hadn't read in a while about birthdays when I visited my mom. (This is after I have spent months, probably over a year even, drifting in and out of a sort of melancholy introspection very similar to depression). The weaknesses associated with my birthday were the words "rigid," "closed," "isolationist". I never understood that the first time around, because I had always thought I was pretty easy to get along with. I know that I had a tendency to keep to myself, but my personal motto is "live and let live." (Emphasis on "let live"- i.e. don't infringe on another person's right to "live" (thrive).) In other words, unless someone is hurting or otherwise imposing on another's free will and rights, I could care less what they do. So, the word "cold" really threw me the first time around. This past year, however, I have had more than one close friend use it to describe me. Well, I guess that's something I have to come to terms with. I am not who I thought I was.
Rereading the book a few months later, I found something else that I had missed or failed to understand the first time around; this is also the real reason behind this post. In the description of "Cancer I" 's, it describes "a natural aggressiveness that they can have difficulty channeling into positive expression."
Wait, what? Really? Hm. I never thought of it that way. I have never thought of myself as an aggressive person. Cancers are always described as caring, sensitive, kind, moody, sentimental, protective, emotional... The list goes on. The fact that it is a cardinal sign is the only other part of any cancer definition that really expressed their potential for strength and leadership. Though, it said that they have no interest in leading/commanding others, but will not stand for being led, or controlled in any way.
This all got me thinking, and I did more reading. A book I just got actually mentioned something I remember reading a long time ago, and if it weren't so gross outside, I would be digging through my books at this very moment. It's another book about birthdays, but it mentions root numbers, which again, I don't feel like explaining right now. All that is important now is what it said about mine (9), which is the number for compassion.
"Nines are born fighters, and you're not afraid of anything or anyone. You refuse to tolerate injustice and can usually be found in the forefront of any battle against discrimination and inequity."
I'm an idealist. It's not that I am being told who I am, I am being made aware of things that I already knew but was not able to realize or express. When I was young, I always had this feeling that I was meant to do great things. It's really difficult to describe, and I don't know where something like that comes from. Maybe it's all delusions of grandeur, or the way a (maladaptive) perfectionists mind works. Maybe it's a desperate plea from my subconscious self to prevent a life of monotony and obscurity. I can't help but think it's more than that, even to the point of destiny.
I am not a pushover, and though it's never easy to adapt your ways, it's something I need to do, to become the kind of person an idealist like me can be proud of.
People change, and it has nothing to do with compromising who they are or trying to be something they are not. A child may be described as having a blunt personality, but if they learn to control it as they grow, they may as an adult be described as forthright, or sincere. Personality is not static, and each person has the right, and almost an obligation, to strengthen their weaknesses and cultivate their strengths. The person I want to be when I die will be described as having a very different personality than I do now. There is nothing wrong with that, because through it all, I am still me, because I can't be someone else. This is not insecurity. It's self-awareness. If anything, I am so secure in who I am and what I believe that I can take action against my failings. I can take responsibility for the things that I have trouble with, and take action to change them. Personality traits should never be an excuse. The phrase, "Sorry, it's just my personality" or "I can't change who I am" is a cop out, an excuse to do nothing, and demonstrates the complete lack of respect such a person has for themselves and for the rest of humanity. It underestimates the ability of humankind to grow, learn, and adapt.
I want to be the kind of person who never has to say "I'm sorry" for the way I am, because I can't think of anything more humiliating than that.
I had more to say about idealism, but it will have to wait until after work, or another time.
There are times in my life when I realize that there is more to me than I realize. Sometimes it's a period of self reflection, and sometimes it's suggested by people around me. In this case, it was reading.
I've always been interested in Astrology. I'm not going to get into all the reasons why right now, so just trust me. If you want the whole long explanation, it'll be a story for another day.
Anyway, I found a book I hadn't read in a while about birthdays when I visited my mom. (This is after I have spent months, probably over a year even, drifting in and out of a sort of melancholy introspection very similar to depression). The weaknesses associated with my birthday were the words "rigid," "closed," "isolationist". I never understood that the first time around, because I had always thought I was pretty easy to get along with. I know that I had a tendency to keep to myself, but my personal motto is "live and let live." (Emphasis on "let live"- i.e. don't infringe on another person's right to "live" (thrive).) In other words, unless someone is hurting or otherwise imposing on another's free will and rights, I could care less what they do. So, the word "cold" really threw me the first time around. This past year, however, I have had more than one close friend use it to describe me. Well, I guess that's something I have to come to terms with. I am not who I thought I was.
Rereading the book a few months later, I found something else that I had missed or failed to understand the first time around; this is also the real reason behind this post. In the description of "Cancer I" 's, it describes "a natural aggressiveness that they can have difficulty channeling into positive expression."
Wait, what? Really? Hm. I never thought of it that way. I have never thought of myself as an aggressive person. Cancers are always described as caring, sensitive, kind, moody, sentimental, protective, emotional... The list goes on. The fact that it is a cardinal sign is the only other part of any cancer definition that really expressed their potential for strength and leadership. Though, it said that they have no interest in leading/commanding others, but will not stand for being led, or controlled in any way.
This all got me thinking, and I did more reading. A book I just got actually mentioned something I remember reading a long time ago, and if it weren't so gross outside, I would be digging through my books at this very moment. It's another book about birthdays, but it mentions root numbers, which again, I don't feel like explaining right now. All that is important now is what it said about mine (9), which is the number for compassion.
"Nines are born fighters, and you're not afraid of anything or anyone. You refuse to tolerate injustice and can usually be found in the forefront of any battle against discrimination and inequity."
I'm an idealist. It's not that I am being told who I am, I am being made aware of things that I already knew but was not able to realize or express. When I was young, I always had this feeling that I was meant to do great things. It's really difficult to describe, and I don't know where something like that comes from. Maybe it's all delusions of grandeur, or the way a (maladaptive) perfectionists mind works. Maybe it's a desperate plea from my subconscious self to prevent a life of monotony and obscurity. I can't help but think it's more than that, even to the point of destiny.
I am not a pushover, and though it's never easy to adapt your ways, it's something I need to do, to become the kind of person an idealist like me can be proud of.
People change, and it has nothing to do with compromising who they are or trying to be something they are not. A child may be described as having a blunt personality, but if they learn to control it as they grow, they may as an adult be described as forthright, or sincere. Personality is not static, and each person has the right, and almost an obligation, to strengthen their weaknesses and cultivate their strengths. The person I want to be when I die will be described as having a very different personality than I do now. There is nothing wrong with that, because through it all, I am still me, because I can't be someone else. This is not insecurity. It's self-awareness. If anything, I am so secure in who I am and what I believe that I can take action against my failings. I can take responsibility for the things that I have trouble with, and take action to change them. Personality traits should never be an excuse. The phrase, "Sorry, it's just my personality" or "I can't change who I am" is a cop out, an excuse to do nothing, and demonstrates the complete lack of respect such a person has for themselves and for the rest of humanity. It underestimates the ability of humankind to grow, learn, and adapt.
I want to be the kind of person who never has to say "I'm sorry" for the way I am, because I can't think of anything more humiliating than that.
I had more to say about idealism, but it will have to wait until after work, or another time.