If you don’t love me, let me go. (4/?)
Title: If you don’t love me, let me go. (4/?)
Rating: R
Pairing: YooMin with a large side of JaeHo
Genre: Romance/Humor/Angst
Warnings for this chapter: Lusty thoughts and actions. Some more angst. More JunSu randomness. Only proof-read by me. So. Excuse any mistakes until my beta reads it. Then you can correct me all you like.
Summary: How could I explain to them? How could I tell them that every time I saw them together it made my thoughts turn to YooChun? I wanted every kiss and touch and loving word they shared to be YooChun's and mine, and not JaeJoong and YunHo's. The jealousy was killing me.
Cross-posted to
seuki, and hug______
Part One: The air between us
Part Two: The death of me
Part Three: A word
It felt like my head was about to split in half. I sat up in my bed and pressed my hands to my temples, trying to relieve the pressure. The pain of my headache made me clamp my eyes closed and hiss. I swore out loud that I would never drink again. Not if it meant another hangover. However, secretly, I knew I wouldn’t live up to my promise.
“Morning.” I heard a voice say from the door. The voice sent waves of painful daggers through my skull and I immediately wanted to kill the nearest living thing.
“Hyung… shush….no talkie.” I told YooChun in a hushed voice without moving my hands or opening my eyes.
“Wow. You’ve got it bad.” he whispered, just soft enough for it not to bother me. I heard him move closer to the bed and eventually the mattress dipped, telling me he had sat down. I heard a soft sound of something hitting wood and I braved opening my eyes to see what had made the noise. YooChun had placed a cup on my bedside table. It was filled with a dark red drink and beside it were two large pills.
“Just go away…” I wanted to fall back into my bed, pull my covers up, shut out the world, and let my migraine run its painful course. It sounded like a good plan.
“Take the pills. Drink the drink.” He was still whispering but his voice was as commanding as ever. I squinted at him and gave a reluctant nod.
I took my hands away from my temples and picked up the glass. It was cool to the touch, and the liquid inside was thick and brick red with black specs throughout it. “What is it?”
“It’s gonna help.” His avoidance of actually answering the question made me a little nervous. YooChun must have seen that, because he put a hand on one of my shoulders and gave it a comforting squeeze. Instantly, I relaxed beneath his hand.
I picked up the two pills with my left hand and popped them into my mouth. Screwing my eyes shut, I put the glass to my lips. I tipped it and let the mystery liquid spill into my mouth. It was foul tasting to say the least, and it took every bit of will power I had not to spit it right back out. I swallowed as much as I could of the revolting drink, then put the glass back on the table and wiped my mouth with my hand.
“If that was poison I’m going to be very upset.” I squinted angrily at him.
He smirked. “Don’t you trust me?”
“Not really, no.” I lied. I trusted him more than anyone in the world. Maybe I should’ve trusted him less though, so far all it had given me was a heartache.
“Well it’s not poison.” he said sadly. I could tell he wasn’t expecting the answer I gave.
“Hyung…” I was about to say something, but memories of the night before were flooding back to my mind. Unconsciously, I brought a hand to my mouth and touched my lips with my finger tips. I was suddenly very aware of how close he was, and how very shirtless I was.
YooChun averted his gazed down to the floor, his playful smirk now completely gone. “You should get up. Some food and a shower will help.” He stood up and started moving towards the door. I watched him leave and let out a tired sigh.
Why was he acting this way? First he acts as if nothing had happened, and then he becomes visibly upset and leaves. I flopped back down onto the bed and rubbed my temples with my fingers. ‘What do you want from me YooChun?‘, I thought.
An hour later I was showered and dressed. YooChun was right, having the stink of the club washed from my skin really did help. My headache had lessened, but it was still strong enough to make me squint against the light of the kitchen when I entered it.
“Good morning, ChangMin!” JaeJoong said cheerfully.
“Please not so loud…” I requested as I sat down at the dining table. I rested my arms against the wood and leaned my head down on them.
“This is what happens when you drink, Min.” He sighed but continued mixing whatever he had put together in the bowl he was holding. “Well, at least you don’t get horrible stomach aches like YunHo and JunSu.”
I looked up at him. “What are you making?” I could smell something in the air that I hadn’t noticed before. “Muffins?”
JaeJoong smiled and gave a nod. “Yep. The last batch are lemon. These are blueberry.” He started pouring the mixture into a muffin baking tray. I got up and ventured back into the kitchen, the sweet smell of lemon calling like a siren to my stomach.
“Victory is mine! Victory is mine!” How JunSu could wake up so happy after a night of puking was beyond me. “It’s a beautiful morning… and… victory is mine.”
“Please no shouting…” I chose a muffin from the group and bit into it. “ung! dese ar ‘ood.” I said through a mouthful of food. Jae smiled in appreciation and continued cooking happily.
“I require the finest muffins in all the land, for I am shrouded in glory.” JunSu said proudly and grabbed one from the cake plate.
“Would you stop talking like a knight of the round table?” YunHo entered the room looking disgruntled.
“I shall stop when you stop losing, good sir.” JunSu was doing some kind of shimmying dance around the room with a muffin in each hand.
JaeJoong set the timer on the oven and turned back around to take off his apron. “Let me guess. Soccer?”
YunHo glared at JunSu and gave a nod. “Lost a bet.”
“Another bet.” JunSu corrected. “I believe that means you owe me double.” he cackled happily and shoved a bit of muffin in his mouth.
YunHo sighed and leaned against the counter. JaeJoong came up beside and snaked an arm around his waist. “Where’s YooChun?” JaeJoong asked, trying to change the subject.
“He said he needed some air. He went out for a walk.” YunHo replied.
“He did? Alone?! Doesn’t he have a body guard or something? What if something happens to him?!” the volume of my voice was making my head pound harder, but I didn’t care. We’ve had too many hate letters and death threats to go out unprotected.
“ChangMin,” YunHo said with an eyebrow raised, “stop freaking out.”
JaeJoong nodded, “YooChun’s a big boy he can handle himself.”
“Remember what happened to YunHo?! How could you…”
“Stop.” YunHo said firmly. “YooChun will be fine.”
An awkward silence passed for a moment before JunSu decided to speak. “So,” He started with a nervous smile, “those mystery shakes really do help don’t they?”
“He gave you one too?” I asked.
JunSu nodded, “Yep. Worked like a charm.”
I was suddenly jealous, and I hated it. I shouldn’t care if he helped JunSu as well as me. YooChun wasn’t mine, and even if he was, JunSu was his friend.
“I’m going to my work room. Tell me when it‘s time to leave.” I turned to go down the hall.
For the next hour I busied myself with school work. Every now and then I would stop, finding myself simply staring at the white paper in front of me and thinking about him, remembering fondly his playful teasing and laughter. After another half an hour of barely getting any work done, YunHo opened the door and informed me it was time to get in the van. Apparently YooChun had called and said he was already at the filming studio.
When we arrived at the studio I saw that YooChun was indeed there, lounging in a director’s chair. I felt somewhat foolish for being so worried. However, those feelings were pushed aside when we were pounced on by several stylists. We were directed to a fitting room to have our costumes tailored to perfection. Then we were led to makeup and had our hair and faces done. After a few hours of prep work, we went to the set to film the second portion of our new promotional video. Luckily, this portion was more dramatic hand gestures and emotional facial expressions than actual dancing, and we were able to get through about a dozen takes before we needed a break.
We walked off of the set and sat in some chairs that were set up for us. While we ate lunch, YunHo and JunSu bickered about soccer, JaeJoong ate quietly next to YunHo, and YooChun was staring off into space, seemingly deep in thought. I stared at him for a moment, wondering what he was thinking so intently about. He had been acting this way all day and had continually forgot his steps because he was so distracted. I prayed the reason wasn’t regret, but I knew it probably was.
“Okay! Let’s go boys!” I heard an assistant director call out. We made our way back to the set and were briefly swarmed by makeup artists before we began again.
Ten takes later, the director said we were done for the day. I felt relief wash over me as we all walked out of the dressing room, back in our normal clothes. By the time we arrived home, it was late, and the night sky was pitch black. We were all exhausted, especially YunHo, so we quickly ate some rice to fill our stomachs, then headed off to bed.
Before I could open my bedroom door however, I came to a stop as a hand fell on my shoulder.
“Min.” YooChun turned me around to face him and I leaned back against the door. He raked a hand through his hair and looked away for a moment in thought. Immediately I wanted to grab his waist and pull him close, I wanted to feel his body against me again. Fortunately, I managed with great difficulty to stop myself.
He stared into my eyes and I tried to read what he was thinking from his face, but I couldn’t. “YooChun, what do you want from me?” I had enough of this silence between us. It was time to simply ask. “Tell me. Tell me that you don’t want me. Tell me that you do. Tell me something.”
He looked like he was lost in thought again, staring at my lips. “I’m going crazy, Min.” He smiled sadly, “I feel like my world is spinning through space and I‘m… I‘m just so lost.” His voice cracked at the end of his confession, and knots formed in my throat.
“I don’t understand.“ I said as I pulled him close with my arms circling his waist to try and ease whatever pain he was feeling. “What are you trying to say?“
Suddenly, he turned his head and roughly pressed his lips against mine. I didn’t expect the kiss, but I didn’t reject it either. I kissed him back just as forcefully and parted my lips; his tongue began to explore my mouth. My hands moved up his back to grip his shoulder blades as I tilted my head to achieve a better angle. YooChun held my neck with one hand, helping to go deeper, and the other hand moved up my shirt while it pushed me against the door. His thumb brushed my nipple and I groaned into his mouth at the unexpected touch. He ran his tongue along the roof of my mouth and a sudden wave of new found pleasure made my knees feel weak. I never knew kissing could be like this, feel this passionate. Heat was rushing through my body and settling between my legs. I was beginning to ache with need.
Without warning YooChun pulled away and I heard myself whimper in protest. I leaned forward to try and reclaim his mouth but he stepped away from me completely.
“I shouldn’t have done that.” he muttered.
“You should do it again.” I was dizzy with lust and exhaustion and all I could think about was my own selfish desire. “Why are you fighting it?” I moved closer to him so that I could rest my hands on his shoulders and slip them behind his neck. He swallowed, and my eyes followed his adam’s apple as it moved up and down. I briefly wondered what it would be like to feel it move beneath my tongue.
A second later, I looked up to find him staring intently into my eyes. He shook his head. “I can‘t talk with you now,” he gently removed my hands from his neck. “Not like this. My thoughts aren’t clear.” I registered what he was saying, but I couldn’t stop glancing at his lips. “I need to sleep on it, Min. I need to figure things out.” He turned to go and my hands fell to my sides.
I watched him leave, feeling as if I had missed some important clue. He was so difficult to understand, and even more so when all I had was sex on the brain.
“Another hit and run kiss, leaving me more confused than before.” I sighed in frustration, “Great.”
I woke up the next morning and padded into the living room in my pajama bottoms. It was one of those rare precious days where we had absolutely nothing planed. Usually I would spend the day being as lazy as humanly possible, play a few video games, eat junk food, and watch television. However, I had too much on my mind to do that today.
I had gotten up fairly early, and the only other person awake was our eldest member. He was flipping through a book as he lay on the couch with a blanket over his legs.
“ChangMin, you’re up early.” JaeJoong said, looking up in mild surprise. “It’s a free day, you should be sleeping in.”
“I can’t sleep, hyung. I barely slept at all last night.” I fell back into the couch rubbed my face with my hands.
“Ah.” JaeJoong put his bookmark in his book and closed it. He placed it on the coffee table and sat up. “YooChun?”
I turned my head to look at him and my mouth fell open. “How did you..”
“Well the signs are there.” He shrugged, “Plus I went down the hall last night to get a glass of water, and unexpectedly found him kissing you against your bedroom door. It didn’t seem like you minded though, so I went back to bed.”
“I didn’t even notice you.” I felt my face grow hot and I looked down.
“You were distracted.” He moved to sit closer to me. “I won’t tell the others what I saw.”
I smiled weakly and gave a nod. “Thank you.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” JaeJoong asked.
“Actually, I want to talk with him about it… but it seems like we can’t. We get so close to saying something and then…”
“And then he pushes you away?” JaeJoong finished.
“Yeah.” I was starting to feel more comfortable with the conversation. Having JaeJoong know was a surprising relief. “I don’t understand him. One moment we’re friends, and then something changes as if a switch was flipped. I can’t stop thinking about him, about every part of him. He said he feels like he is going crazy… I feel like I am too.” JaeJoong nodded and waited for me to continue. “JaeJoong hyung, when did you know you were…”
“In love?” a small smile formed on his face.
“Well… that too… but…” he looked at me confused and the smile started to fade. “I was going to ask… When did you know you were gay?” JaeJoong chuckled lightly, “I’m serious, hyung.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” He sighed and thought for a moment. “I could always look at men and women and be able to judge if they were attractive, but sexually I’ve only ever wanted men. At first I thought it was hormones or something, a phase that would pass, but that was just me being afraid of who I really was.”
I nodded and compared his feelings to my own, “I think I’m different. I’ve liked girls… and guys.”
“So you’re bisexual?” he asked.
“I guess so.” I felt my blush grow. “This is embarrassing.”
JaeJoong smiled and shook his head. “There’s no need to feel that way, we’re family after all.”
I took a deep breath. “I know… and about love…”
“Do you think you may be in love with him?” he asked warily.
“I do love him… but I don’t know if I’m in love with him.”
“Well, for me… let me put it this way… I don’t feel complete without YunHo. He’s a part of me now, and I’m a part of him. He has a power over me that I still don’t fully understand.”
“Doesn’t that scare you?” I asked before he could go on.
“No. Because I trust him completely. I trust him with my life… because he is my life.”
“I still don’t know… sometimes I think I’m in love with him. Then he walks away and I hate him. I hate what he does to me.” I felt a slight pricking at the back of my eyes and I shut them quickly. “I’ve been jealous of you and YunHo. Horribly jealous. You seem so in love and happy. I can’t stand to see it.”
“I know.. It’s okay. .” He placed an arm around my shoulders comfortingly. “ChangMin, you need to talk to him as soon as possible. You need to know how he feels.”
I nodded, and with that JaeJoong patted my back. “If you need to talk about this later, just ask. The others will be up soon however, and you shouldn’t get yourself all upset. Why don’t you go take a hot shower and I’ll make you some food.” He smiled a little. “Think about what to say to him though. If you have a plan, it’ll be easier.”
He got up to head for the kitchen, and immediately I tried to think about what I should do. ‘Why can’t this be simpler?’ I thought as I walked to the bathroom.
A/N:
1. Woohoo! longest chapter I’ve ever written! *dance*
2. That whole thing about JunSu being victorious was inspired by the show The West Wing. No joke, that show rules.
3. Hope you’re all still enjoying it, and thanks for all the wonderful comments. ^__^
4. ... I wasn't very happy with this chapter... >> oh well.
Rating: R
Pairing: YooMin with a large side of JaeHo
Genre: Romance/Humor/Angst
Warnings for this chapter: Lusty thoughts and actions. Some more angst. More JunSu randomness. Only proof-read by me. So. Excuse any mistakes until my beta reads it. Then you can correct me all you like.
Summary: How could I explain to them? How could I tell them that every time I saw them together it made my thoughts turn to YooChun? I wanted every kiss and touch and loving word they shared to be YooChun's and mine, and not JaeJoong and YunHo's. The jealousy was killing me.
Cross-posted to
seuki, and hug______
Part One: The air between us
Part Two: The death of me
Part Three: A word
It felt like my head was about to split in half. I sat up in my bed and pressed my hands to my temples, trying to relieve the pressure. The pain of my headache made me clamp my eyes closed and hiss. I swore out loud that I would never drink again. Not if it meant another hangover. However, secretly, I knew I wouldn’t live up to my promise.
“Morning.” I heard a voice say from the door. The voice sent waves of painful daggers through my skull and I immediately wanted to kill the nearest living thing.
“Hyung… shush….no talkie.” I told YooChun in a hushed voice without moving my hands or opening my eyes.
“Wow. You’ve got it bad.” he whispered, just soft enough for it not to bother me. I heard him move closer to the bed and eventually the mattress dipped, telling me he had sat down. I heard a soft sound of something hitting wood and I braved opening my eyes to see what had made the noise. YooChun had placed a cup on my bedside table. It was filled with a dark red drink and beside it were two large pills.
“Just go away…” I wanted to fall back into my bed, pull my covers up, shut out the world, and let my migraine run its painful course. It sounded like a good plan.
“Take the pills. Drink the drink.” He was still whispering but his voice was as commanding as ever. I squinted at him and gave a reluctant nod.
I took my hands away from my temples and picked up the glass. It was cool to the touch, and the liquid inside was thick and brick red with black specs throughout it. “What is it?”
“It’s gonna help.” His avoidance of actually answering the question made me a little nervous. YooChun must have seen that, because he put a hand on one of my shoulders and gave it a comforting squeeze. Instantly, I relaxed beneath his hand.
I picked up the two pills with my left hand and popped them into my mouth. Screwing my eyes shut, I put the glass to my lips. I tipped it and let the mystery liquid spill into my mouth. It was foul tasting to say the least, and it took every bit of will power I had not to spit it right back out. I swallowed as much as I could of the revolting drink, then put the glass back on the table and wiped my mouth with my hand.
“If that was poison I’m going to be very upset.” I squinted angrily at him.
He smirked. “Don’t you trust me?”
“Not really, no.” I lied. I trusted him more than anyone in the world. Maybe I should’ve trusted him less though, so far all it had given me was a heartache.
“Well it’s not poison.” he said sadly. I could tell he wasn’t expecting the answer I gave.
“Hyung…” I was about to say something, but memories of the night before were flooding back to my mind. Unconsciously, I brought a hand to my mouth and touched my lips with my finger tips. I was suddenly very aware of how close he was, and how very shirtless I was.
YooChun averted his gazed down to the floor, his playful smirk now completely gone. “You should get up. Some food and a shower will help.” He stood up and started moving towards the door. I watched him leave and let out a tired sigh.
Why was he acting this way? First he acts as if nothing had happened, and then he becomes visibly upset and leaves. I flopped back down onto the bed and rubbed my temples with my fingers. ‘What do you want from me YooChun?‘, I thought.
An hour later I was showered and dressed. YooChun was right, having the stink of the club washed from my skin really did help. My headache had lessened, but it was still strong enough to make me squint against the light of the kitchen when I entered it.
“Good morning, ChangMin!” JaeJoong said cheerfully.
“Please not so loud…” I requested as I sat down at the dining table. I rested my arms against the wood and leaned my head down on them.
“This is what happens when you drink, Min.” He sighed but continued mixing whatever he had put together in the bowl he was holding. “Well, at least you don’t get horrible stomach aches like YunHo and JunSu.”
I looked up at him. “What are you making?” I could smell something in the air that I hadn’t noticed before. “Muffins?”
JaeJoong smiled and gave a nod. “Yep. The last batch are lemon. These are blueberry.” He started pouring the mixture into a muffin baking tray. I got up and ventured back into the kitchen, the sweet smell of lemon calling like a siren to my stomach.
“Victory is mine! Victory is mine!” How JunSu could wake up so happy after a night of puking was beyond me. “It’s a beautiful morning… and… victory is mine.”
“Please no shouting…” I chose a muffin from the group and bit into it. “ung! dese ar ‘ood.” I said through a mouthful of food. Jae smiled in appreciation and continued cooking happily.
“I require the finest muffins in all the land, for I am shrouded in glory.” JunSu said proudly and grabbed one from the cake plate.
“Would you stop talking like a knight of the round table?” YunHo entered the room looking disgruntled.
“I shall stop when you stop losing, good sir.” JunSu was doing some kind of shimmying dance around the room with a muffin in each hand.
JaeJoong set the timer on the oven and turned back around to take off his apron. “Let me guess. Soccer?”
YunHo glared at JunSu and gave a nod. “Lost a bet.”
“Another bet.” JunSu corrected. “I believe that means you owe me double.” he cackled happily and shoved a bit of muffin in his mouth.
YunHo sighed and leaned against the counter. JaeJoong came up beside and snaked an arm around his waist. “Where’s YooChun?” JaeJoong asked, trying to change the subject.
“He said he needed some air. He went out for a walk.” YunHo replied.
“He did? Alone?! Doesn’t he have a body guard or something? What if something happens to him?!” the volume of my voice was making my head pound harder, but I didn’t care. We’ve had too many hate letters and death threats to go out unprotected.
“ChangMin,” YunHo said with an eyebrow raised, “stop freaking out.”
JaeJoong nodded, “YooChun’s a big boy he can handle himself.”
“Remember what happened to YunHo?! How could you…”
“Stop.” YunHo said firmly. “YooChun will be fine.”
An awkward silence passed for a moment before JunSu decided to speak. “So,” He started with a nervous smile, “those mystery shakes really do help don’t they?”
“He gave you one too?” I asked.
JunSu nodded, “Yep. Worked like a charm.”
I was suddenly jealous, and I hated it. I shouldn’t care if he helped JunSu as well as me. YooChun wasn’t mine, and even if he was, JunSu was his friend.
“I’m going to my work room. Tell me when it‘s time to leave.” I turned to go down the hall.
For the next hour I busied myself with school work. Every now and then I would stop, finding myself simply staring at the white paper in front of me and thinking about him, remembering fondly his playful teasing and laughter. After another half an hour of barely getting any work done, YunHo opened the door and informed me it was time to get in the van. Apparently YooChun had called and said he was already at the filming studio.
When we arrived at the studio I saw that YooChun was indeed there, lounging in a director’s chair. I felt somewhat foolish for being so worried. However, those feelings were pushed aside when we were pounced on by several stylists. We were directed to a fitting room to have our costumes tailored to perfection. Then we were led to makeup and had our hair and faces done. After a few hours of prep work, we went to the set to film the second portion of our new promotional video. Luckily, this portion was more dramatic hand gestures and emotional facial expressions than actual dancing, and we were able to get through about a dozen takes before we needed a break.
We walked off of the set and sat in some chairs that were set up for us. While we ate lunch, YunHo and JunSu bickered about soccer, JaeJoong ate quietly next to YunHo, and YooChun was staring off into space, seemingly deep in thought. I stared at him for a moment, wondering what he was thinking so intently about. He had been acting this way all day and had continually forgot his steps because he was so distracted. I prayed the reason wasn’t regret, but I knew it probably was.
“Okay! Let’s go boys!” I heard an assistant director call out. We made our way back to the set and were briefly swarmed by makeup artists before we began again.
Ten takes later, the director said we were done for the day. I felt relief wash over me as we all walked out of the dressing room, back in our normal clothes. By the time we arrived home, it was late, and the night sky was pitch black. We were all exhausted, especially YunHo, so we quickly ate some rice to fill our stomachs, then headed off to bed.
Before I could open my bedroom door however, I came to a stop as a hand fell on my shoulder.
“Min.” YooChun turned me around to face him and I leaned back against the door. He raked a hand through his hair and looked away for a moment in thought. Immediately I wanted to grab his waist and pull him close, I wanted to feel his body against me again. Fortunately, I managed with great difficulty to stop myself.
He stared into my eyes and I tried to read what he was thinking from his face, but I couldn’t. “YooChun, what do you want from me?” I had enough of this silence between us. It was time to simply ask. “Tell me. Tell me that you don’t want me. Tell me that you do. Tell me something.”
He looked like he was lost in thought again, staring at my lips. “I’m going crazy, Min.” He smiled sadly, “I feel like my world is spinning through space and I‘m… I‘m just so lost.” His voice cracked at the end of his confession, and knots formed in my throat.
“I don’t understand.“ I said as I pulled him close with my arms circling his waist to try and ease whatever pain he was feeling. “What are you trying to say?“
Suddenly, he turned his head and roughly pressed his lips against mine. I didn’t expect the kiss, but I didn’t reject it either. I kissed him back just as forcefully and parted my lips; his tongue began to explore my mouth. My hands moved up his back to grip his shoulder blades as I tilted my head to achieve a better angle. YooChun held my neck with one hand, helping to go deeper, and the other hand moved up my shirt while it pushed me against the door. His thumb brushed my nipple and I groaned into his mouth at the unexpected touch. He ran his tongue along the roof of my mouth and a sudden wave of new found pleasure made my knees feel weak. I never knew kissing could be like this, feel this passionate. Heat was rushing through my body and settling between my legs. I was beginning to ache with need.
Without warning YooChun pulled away and I heard myself whimper in protest. I leaned forward to try and reclaim his mouth but he stepped away from me completely.
“I shouldn’t have done that.” he muttered.
“You should do it again.” I was dizzy with lust and exhaustion and all I could think about was my own selfish desire. “Why are you fighting it?” I moved closer to him so that I could rest my hands on his shoulders and slip them behind his neck. He swallowed, and my eyes followed his adam’s apple as it moved up and down. I briefly wondered what it would be like to feel it move beneath my tongue.
A second later, I looked up to find him staring intently into my eyes. He shook his head. “I can‘t talk with you now,” he gently removed my hands from his neck. “Not like this. My thoughts aren’t clear.” I registered what he was saying, but I couldn’t stop glancing at his lips. “I need to sleep on it, Min. I need to figure things out.” He turned to go and my hands fell to my sides.
I watched him leave, feeling as if I had missed some important clue. He was so difficult to understand, and even more so when all I had was sex on the brain.
“Another hit and run kiss, leaving me more confused than before.” I sighed in frustration, “Great.”
I woke up the next morning and padded into the living room in my pajama bottoms. It was one of those rare precious days where we had absolutely nothing planed. Usually I would spend the day being as lazy as humanly possible, play a few video games, eat junk food, and watch television. However, I had too much on my mind to do that today.
I had gotten up fairly early, and the only other person awake was our eldest member. He was flipping through a book as he lay on the couch with a blanket over his legs.
“ChangMin, you’re up early.” JaeJoong said, looking up in mild surprise. “It’s a free day, you should be sleeping in.”
“I can’t sleep, hyung. I barely slept at all last night.” I fell back into the couch rubbed my face with my hands.
“Ah.” JaeJoong put his bookmark in his book and closed it. He placed it on the coffee table and sat up. “YooChun?”
I turned my head to look at him and my mouth fell open. “How did you..”
“Well the signs are there.” He shrugged, “Plus I went down the hall last night to get a glass of water, and unexpectedly found him kissing you against your bedroom door. It didn’t seem like you minded though, so I went back to bed.”
“I didn’t even notice you.” I felt my face grow hot and I looked down.
“You were distracted.” He moved to sit closer to me. “I won’t tell the others what I saw.”
I smiled weakly and gave a nod. “Thank you.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” JaeJoong asked.
“Actually, I want to talk with him about it… but it seems like we can’t. We get so close to saying something and then…”
“And then he pushes you away?” JaeJoong finished.
“Yeah.” I was starting to feel more comfortable with the conversation. Having JaeJoong know was a surprising relief. “I don’t understand him. One moment we’re friends, and then something changes as if a switch was flipped. I can’t stop thinking about him, about every part of him. He said he feels like he is going crazy… I feel like I am too.” JaeJoong nodded and waited for me to continue. “JaeJoong hyung, when did you know you were…”
“In love?” a small smile formed on his face.
“Well… that too… but…” he looked at me confused and the smile started to fade. “I was going to ask… When did you know you were gay?” JaeJoong chuckled lightly, “I’m serious, hyung.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” He sighed and thought for a moment. “I could always look at men and women and be able to judge if they were attractive, but sexually I’ve only ever wanted men. At first I thought it was hormones or something, a phase that would pass, but that was just me being afraid of who I really was.”
I nodded and compared his feelings to my own, “I think I’m different. I’ve liked girls… and guys.”
“So you’re bisexual?” he asked.
“I guess so.” I felt my blush grow. “This is embarrassing.”
JaeJoong smiled and shook his head. “There’s no need to feel that way, we’re family after all.”
I took a deep breath. “I know… and about love…”
“Do you think you may be in love with him?” he asked warily.
“I do love him… but I don’t know if I’m in love with him.”
“Well, for me… let me put it this way… I don’t feel complete without YunHo. He’s a part of me now, and I’m a part of him. He has a power over me that I still don’t fully understand.”
“Doesn’t that scare you?” I asked before he could go on.
“No. Because I trust him completely. I trust him with my life… because he is my life.”
“I still don’t know… sometimes I think I’m in love with him. Then he walks away and I hate him. I hate what he does to me.” I felt a slight pricking at the back of my eyes and I shut them quickly. “I’ve been jealous of you and YunHo. Horribly jealous. You seem so in love and happy. I can’t stand to see it.”
“I know.. It’s okay. .” He placed an arm around my shoulders comfortingly. “ChangMin, you need to talk to him as soon as possible. You need to know how he feels.”
I nodded, and with that JaeJoong patted my back. “If you need to talk about this later, just ask. The others will be up soon however, and you shouldn’t get yourself all upset. Why don’t you go take a hot shower and I’ll make you some food.” He smiled a little. “Think about what to say to him though. If you have a plan, it’ll be easier.”
He got up to head for the kitchen, and immediately I tried to think about what I should do. ‘Why can’t this be simpler?’ I thought as I walked to the bathroom.
A/N:
1. Woohoo! longest chapter I’ve ever written! *dance*
2. That whole thing about JunSu being victorious was inspired by the show The West Wing. No joke, that show rules.
3. Hope you’re all still enjoying it, and thanks for all the wonderful comments. ^__^
4. ... I wasn't very happy with this chapter... >> oh well.