If you don’t love me, let me go. (3/?)
Title: If you don’t love me, let me go. (3/?)
Rating: R
Pairing: YooMin with a large side of JaeHo
Genre: Romance/Humor/Angst
Warnings for this chapter: Cursing. More one-sided. Lusty thoughts and actions. Only proof-read by me. So. Excuse any mistakes until my beta reads it. Then you can correct me all you like.
Summary: How could I explain to them? How could I tell them that every time I saw them together it made my thoughts turn to YooChun? I wanted every kiss and touch and loving word they shared to be YooChun's and mine, and not JaeJoong and YunHo's. The jealousy was killing me.
Cross-posted to
jaeho_detox, seuki, and hug______
Part One: The air between us
Part Two: The death of me
Our new single was about to be released, so our schedules were as hectic as ever. Unfortunately, our busy lives made the days go quicker, and with their passing came the horrible nights. I had gotten barely any sleep in the past month. My only comfort was to tell myself that with time, I would get over my feelings for him. Somehow though, I knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.
By some miracle, we found the time and energy on Friday night to go to a club. When we arrived, we were directed to a VIP room by the manager. The secluded room had hanging red curtains that closed it off, in the center was a long wooden table about two feet high, and all around it were large purple and blue cushions to sit and relax on. I had always enjoyed the club’s comfortable private rooms and exciting music. However, that night, I wasn’t there for the cushions or the thumping beat.
“I need a drink.” I reached for the center of the table. I tried to grab one of the many bottles that sat there, only to have the one I was aiming for snatched up by JunSu.
“No way Min. We all know what happens when you drink.” He took a long swig of the beer and then let it rest back on the table. His hand wrapped around the glass neck. I contemplated prying his fingers away from the bottle and downing the beer in one go, but decided against it.
“I know what happens when I drink too. I get drunk. Then I pass out. What makes you think that’s not what I want?”
“Have you gone insane?” Junsu asked then burped rather loudly.
“ChangMin, you shouldn’t be drinking.” JaeJoong said suddenly from where he stood near the door. YunHo was gently tugging on the back of Jae’s shirt, trying to lead him out of the room and onto the dance floor. JaeJoong was putting on a show of fighting off his hands, but his giggling gave him away. Some lucky girl would be dancing between those two men tonight. She would help to keep up the charade that they were only friends having a good time. Except friends don’t end up in the same bed at the end of the evening.
JaeJoong and YunHo left after a few shared whispers and smiles. The curtain fell closed behind them, leaving only JunSu and I on two dark purple cushions.
“How long do you think he’ll be?” I asked JunSu after a moment.
He turned to me. I could see that the alcohol he had consumed so far was already having an effect on him, his stupid grin was evidence enough. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“YooChun.” I crossed my arms against the table and leaned my forehead against them. I thought that maybe, I should just go home.
“Oh! Yeah. I dunno. You know how he is when he drinks. He’s probably dancing with seven girls at once. The horny devil.” with that he broke into a fit of giggles and poured himself a shot. I grabbed the shot glass from him and in a second the liquid was burning the back of my throat as it slid down to my stomach.
He pushed a few bottles towards me, “Fine. Drink all you want. I’m not carrying you to the car or fighting off the paparazzi when they catch you all drunk... like.”
“Why aren’t you out there dancing?” I asked him.
“Why aren’t you?”
“Because… I’m tired.”
“Because you want to pass out.” He burst into another fit of giggles.
“Yeah.” I downed another shot. I prayed as I swallowed the alcohol that it would do it’s job soon. I wanted so badly to be numb.
“Well I’m drunk…” he said proudly, “so I’m going to go make a fool of myself now.” He stood and left the room, tripping over a few pillows and his own feet on the way. I shook my head at his retreating back. Hopefully JunSu would remember what had happened tomorrow so I could hear the story. Maybe it would cheer me up.
I sat alone, sipping at a beer bottle. YooChun was out there in that music. With a smile he was probably rubbing against some strange girl. He didn’t even know her name but she was there, sweet talking him and leading him on. It could have been me. I could’ve done better then some girl.
“What are you doing all by yourself?“
YooChun came in the room looking somewhat disheveled and drunk. His thin white shirt clung to his body, showing off his defined shoulders. His skin was flushed and glistening from dancing. The room suddenly felt warmer with him in it. “Stop staring at me like that, Psycho.” His voice had a threatening tone, making shivers run down my spine and a blush creep onto my cheeks.
“Don’t call me that, and I’m not staring.” I quickly looked down at the table in front of me. “Who did you dance with?”
“Myself. Who else?” he sounded closer now so I looked up. YooChun knelt down beside me and onto a pillow, then sat down, supporting himself on his knees and ankles.
I gripped my bottle harder as my eyes drifted down to take in his body. My gaze lingered on his arms, thin muscle and pale skin rapped around bone. I looked up to see him watching me and quickly poured myself a shot. “Why are you looking at me like that, Minnie? Tell me.”
“You look like you’ve lost some muscle is all.” I had gotten good at lying.
“Maybe.” I felt one of his hands grab my right upper arm and push me roughly down against the cushion beneath me. His other hand quickly grabbed my left wrist and pinned it down beside my head. He was hovering above me, and I was lying beneath him. I was stunned and my brain didn’t have time to react, so I laid still. YooChun grinned triumphantly, “I can still take you though.”
I wasn’t thinking clearly, I suppose it was the alcohol in my system, so I began struggling against YooChun’s hands with all my might. I brought up my leg and pushed his abdomen with my knee until he we rolled off the cushions and onto the hard wood floor. I rolled with him.
I was on top of him now, and my hips were pressed against his. He was still holding onto my wrist beside his head and I held onto his other arm with my free hand. He struggled against me, and his moving hips caused delicious friction against my body. Heat spread through me and then pooled between my legs. We were so close I could feel his panted breath on my neck. YooChun tightened his grip on my wrist and moved against me again. It was then that I heard myself groan.
“ChangMin…?” I looked into his eyes and ignored the confusion that I found there. Instead, I crashed against him. My lips pressed against his and my eyes shut out of their own accord. It felt like I was breathing in deeply after being suffocated by the emptiness I had been feeling. I wanted to take him in quickly, take as much air as I could, before it disappeared.
He let go of my wrist and pushed against my chest until he could see my face again. Here it comes, he’s going to ask me if I‘ve gone insane, or maybe he was going to hit me. I think part of me wanted that.
His head rose off the floor and he reclaimed my mouth with his. I felt one of his hands come behind my neck and pull me closer. I kissed him back eagerly as I felt my skin grow hot with excitement. It was actually happening. I could feel his body move beneath mine, the heat of his skin, his fingers on my neck, his soft lips against my own. I opened my mouth a little, curious as to what he would do. His lips parted beneath mine and I felt his tongue slip in and begin to rub against my own. I heard my second groan of the night, but this time it was different, flowing into his mouth and muffled by our kiss.
I wanted to hear him. I wanted to know he needed this as much as I did. My hand trailed down his chest and stomach. Finally it came between his legs and I pressed down. I felt a growing hardness there. Immense satisfaction swept through me. I had caused it. I was making him need me.
YooChun didn’t make a sound. Instead he pushed me off of him. “I need a drink.” was all he said, barely above a whisper. He wasn’t looking at me. He used his legs to push himself up and sit back on a cushion.
I sat back and leaned against the wall, my eyes fixed on his back. He ran his hands through his hair and nervously rubbed the back of his neck. He was confused. I knew I was as well, but I was also terrified. So terrified my hands were trembling. I didn’t know what to say, or even if I should say anything at all. Should I apologize? Is that what he wanted? What did he want from me?
The others were quick to come back. JunSu was about to collapse into a heap of exhaustion and inebriation. As for the two lovers, they were about to collapse on the nearest flat surface and go at it like rabbits.
I had to suffer through them making out in the back of the van all the way home. Thank God for tinted glass and JaeJoong’s extra large jacket hood, or the whole of Korea would know about their lust filled activities by morning.
We arrived home with their secret still safe and my hands still shaky. JunSu babbled about a bald man at the bar and how he had to battle him, then ran to the bathroom. By the retching and coughing I heard, I guessed he was sick. JaeJoong and YunHo practically ran to their bedroom, as expected. YooChun was still taking off his shoes and jacket. He had a far off look about him. Like he wasn’t really there.
“Hyung…?” I hung up my jacket and turned to him. He was crouched down on one knee, trying desperately to untie his sneaker.
“Fucking shoes.” he ripped the sneaker off of his foot and threw it in the closet, causing several pairs of YunHo’s shoes to fall over.
I jumped, but didn’t dare question his anger. “I’m sorry.” I blurted out and turned to go. It just seemed like apologizing was the only thing to do at the moment. It was what I thought he wanted.
“So am I…” I heard him mumble.
“What?” I turned back to look at him. I felt hope rise in my heart like dandelion seeds, so easily blown away with a soft breeze. Or a word.
“No.” there it was, and with it my heart sank into my stomach.
“No…no what?”
“No ChangMin. What happened... I was drunk. That’s all.” He had stood up now, and was looking at me. He looked exhausted and drained. I couldn’t help but notice though, the desperation in his voice.
“Is that really all? A few beers and you kiss me?”
“I didn’t kiss you!” He shouted. He stopped and looked around. After he was satisfied no one was listening in, probably due to the sounds of JunSu puking and JaeJoong’s playful giggles, he said again in a whisper, “I didn’t kiss you.”
“Liar.” I don’t know where my courage came from but I walked up closer to him. He watched me like a deer in the headlights as I approached, and with a gentle shove to his shoulders, YooChun was against the wall with a soft thud. “Kiss me. Like before.”
He stayed silent. I stared into his eyes and held my breath. What was I doing? For a moment it felt like the space between us was getting smaller. I desperately wanted to feel him against me. I wanted to breath him in, every touch, every look, every sound, until he was a part of me. I didn't know if I could do that with a kiss, but I could sure as hell try.
I felt his hands on my chest and he pushed me away, just as gently as I had pushed him against the wall.
“No.” His voice was firm, and left nothing else to be said. YooChun left, without a second glace, and headed back to his room.
It wasn’t until I heard the bedroom door close that I moved, stumbling towards my bedroom. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest and I was starting to feel dizzy. Side affects of alcohol and heart ache I supposed. I shut the door of my room and stripped down to my boxers, leaving my dirty clothes wherever they landed.
“He kissed me.” I breathed out and fell onto my bed. After all of his rejection I still had that. At least it was something to hold onto. I knew YooChun was lying, the kiss wasn’t just some drunken play. There was something else there. There had to be. I rubbed my eyes and prayed for sleep to claim me quickly. I couldn’t have another sleepless night of spiraling thoughts. It was exhausting.
A/N:
1. This one was hard to write… the relationship is changing… and will continue to do so… the transition is difficult to describe. I hope it worked out well.
2. SORRY that this update took so long! Hopefully the next one will come sooner.
3. Little David Bowie reference in there from the song “Queen Bitch”. I was listening to it at the time, and it was describing almost exactly what ChangMin was going through during part of this chapter. Praise Bowie and iTunes for their awesome power. EDIT: HERE is the song if you want it. ^^
4: Thanks for the comments so far! They make me crazy happy. ^^
Rating: R
Pairing: YooMin with a large side of JaeHo
Genre: Romance/Humor/Angst
Warnings for this chapter: Cursing. More one-sided. Lusty thoughts and actions. Only proof-read by me. So. Excuse any mistakes until my beta reads it. Then you can correct me all you like.
Summary: How could I explain to them? How could I tell them that every time I saw them together it made my thoughts turn to YooChun? I wanted every kiss and touch and loving word they shared to be YooChun's and mine, and not JaeJoong and YunHo's. The jealousy was killing me.
Cross-posted to
jaeho_detox, seuki, and hug______
Part One: The air between us
Part Two: The death of me
Our new single was about to be released, so our schedules were as hectic as ever. Unfortunately, our busy lives made the days go quicker, and with their passing came the horrible nights. I had gotten barely any sleep in the past month. My only comfort was to tell myself that with time, I would get over my feelings for him. Somehow though, I knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.
By some miracle, we found the time and energy on Friday night to go to a club. When we arrived, we were directed to a VIP room by the manager. The secluded room had hanging red curtains that closed it off, in the center was a long wooden table about two feet high, and all around it were large purple and blue cushions to sit and relax on. I had always enjoyed the club’s comfortable private rooms and exciting music. However, that night, I wasn’t there for the cushions or the thumping beat.
“I need a drink.” I reached for the center of the table. I tried to grab one of the many bottles that sat there, only to have the one I was aiming for snatched up by JunSu.
“No way Min. We all know what happens when you drink.” He took a long swig of the beer and then let it rest back on the table. His hand wrapped around the glass neck. I contemplated prying his fingers away from the bottle and downing the beer in one go, but decided against it.
“I know what happens when I drink too. I get drunk. Then I pass out. What makes you think that’s not what I want?”
“Have you gone insane?” Junsu asked then burped rather loudly.
“ChangMin, you shouldn’t be drinking.” JaeJoong said suddenly from where he stood near the door. YunHo was gently tugging on the back of Jae’s shirt, trying to lead him out of the room and onto the dance floor. JaeJoong was putting on a show of fighting off his hands, but his giggling gave him away. Some lucky girl would be dancing between those two men tonight. She would help to keep up the charade that they were only friends having a good time. Except friends don’t end up in the same bed at the end of the evening.
JaeJoong and YunHo left after a few shared whispers and smiles. The curtain fell closed behind them, leaving only JunSu and I on two dark purple cushions.
“How long do you think he’ll be?” I asked JunSu after a moment.
He turned to me. I could see that the alcohol he had consumed so far was already having an effect on him, his stupid grin was evidence enough. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“YooChun.” I crossed my arms against the table and leaned my forehead against them. I thought that maybe, I should just go home.
“Oh! Yeah. I dunno. You know how he is when he drinks. He’s probably dancing with seven girls at once. The horny devil.” with that he broke into a fit of giggles and poured himself a shot. I grabbed the shot glass from him and in a second the liquid was burning the back of my throat as it slid down to my stomach.
He pushed a few bottles towards me, “Fine. Drink all you want. I’m not carrying you to the car or fighting off the paparazzi when they catch you all drunk... like.”
“Why aren’t you out there dancing?” I asked him.
“Why aren’t you?”
“Because… I’m tired.”
“Because you want to pass out.” He burst into another fit of giggles.
“Yeah.” I downed another shot. I prayed as I swallowed the alcohol that it would do it’s job soon. I wanted so badly to be numb.
“Well I’m drunk…” he said proudly, “so I’m going to go make a fool of myself now.” He stood and left the room, tripping over a few pillows and his own feet on the way. I shook my head at his retreating back. Hopefully JunSu would remember what had happened tomorrow so I could hear the story. Maybe it would cheer me up.
I sat alone, sipping at a beer bottle. YooChun was out there in that music. With a smile he was probably rubbing against some strange girl. He didn’t even know her name but she was there, sweet talking him and leading him on. It could have been me. I could’ve done better then some girl.
“What are you doing all by yourself?“
YooChun came in the room looking somewhat disheveled and drunk. His thin white shirt clung to his body, showing off his defined shoulders. His skin was flushed and glistening from dancing. The room suddenly felt warmer with him in it. “Stop staring at me like that, Psycho.” His voice had a threatening tone, making shivers run down my spine and a blush creep onto my cheeks.
“Don’t call me that, and I’m not staring.” I quickly looked down at the table in front of me. “Who did you dance with?”
“Myself. Who else?” he sounded closer now so I looked up. YooChun knelt down beside me and onto a pillow, then sat down, supporting himself on his knees and ankles.
I gripped my bottle harder as my eyes drifted down to take in his body. My gaze lingered on his arms, thin muscle and pale skin rapped around bone. I looked up to see him watching me and quickly poured myself a shot. “Why are you looking at me like that, Minnie? Tell me.”
“You look like you’ve lost some muscle is all.” I had gotten good at lying.
“Maybe.” I felt one of his hands grab my right upper arm and push me roughly down against the cushion beneath me. His other hand quickly grabbed my left wrist and pinned it down beside my head. He was hovering above me, and I was lying beneath him. I was stunned and my brain didn’t have time to react, so I laid still. YooChun grinned triumphantly, “I can still take you though.”
I wasn’t thinking clearly, I suppose it was the alcohol in my system, so I began struggling against YooChun’s hands with all my might. I brought up my leg and pushed his abdomen with my knee until he we rolled off the cushions and onto the hard wood floor. I rolled with him.
I was on top of him now, and my hips were pressed against his. He was still holding onto my wrist beside his head and I held onto his other arm with my free hand. He struggled against me, and his moving hips caused delicious friction against my body. Heat spread through me and then pooled between my legs. We were so close I could feel his panted breath on my neck. YooChun tightened his grip on my wrist and moved against me again. It was then that I heard myself groan.
“ChangMin…?” I looked into his eyes and ignored the confusion that I found there. Instead, I crashed against him. My lips pressed against his and my eyes shut out of their own accord. It felt like I was breathing in deeply after being suffocated by the emptiness I had been feeling. I wanted to take him in quickly, take as much air as I could, before it disappeared.
He let go of my wrist and pushed against my chest until he could see my face again. Here it comes, he’s going to ask me if I‘ve gone insane, or maybe he was going to hit me. I think part of me wanted that.
His head rose off the floor and he reclaimed my mouth with his. I felt one of his hands come behind my neck and pull me closer. I kissed him back eagerly as I felt my skin grow hot with excitement. It was actually happening. I could feel his body move beneath mine, the heat of his skin, his fingers on my neck, his soft lips against my own. I opened my mouth a little, curious as to what he would do. His lips parted beneath mine and I felt his tongue slip in and begin to rub against my own. I heard my second groan of the night, but this time it was different, flowing into his mouth and muffled by our kiss.
I wanted to hear him. I wanted to know he needed this as much as I did. My hand trailed down his chest and stomach. Finally it came between his legs and I pressed down. I felt a growing hardness there. Immense satisfaction swept through me. I had caused it. I was making him need me.
YooChun didn’t make a sound. Instead he pushed me off of him. “I need a drink.” was all he said, barely above a whisper. He wasn’t looking at me. He used his legs to push himself up and sit back on a cushion.
I sat back and leaned against the wall, my eyes fixed on his back. He ran his hands through his hair and nervously rubbed the back of his neck. He was confused. I knew I was as well, but I was also terrified. So terrified my hands were trembling. I didn’t know what to say, or even if I should say anything at all. Should I apologize? Is that what he wanted? What did he want from me?
The others were quick to come back. JunSu was about to collapse into a heap of exhaustion and inebriation. As for the two lovers, they were about to collapse on the nearest flat surface and go at it like rabbits.
I had to suffer through them making out in the back of the van all the way home. Thank God for tinted glass and JaeJoong’s extra large jacket hood, or the whole of Korea would know about their lust filled activities by morning.
We arrived home with their secret still safe and my hands still shaky. JunSu babbled about a bald man at the bar and how he had to battle him, then ran to the bathroom. By the retching and coughing I heard, I guessed he was sick. JaeJoong and YunHo practically ran to their bedroom, as expected. YooChun was still taking off his shoes and jacket. He had a far off look about him. Like he wasn’t really there.
“Hyung…?” I hung up my jacket and turned to him. He was crouched down on one knee, trying desperately to untie his sneaker.
“Fucking shoes.” he ripped the sneaker off of his foot and threw it in the closet, causing several pairs of YunHo’s shoes to fall over.
I jumped, but didn’t dare question his anger. “I’m sorry.” I blurted out and turned to go. It just seemed like apologizing was the only thing to do at the moment. It was what I thought he wanted.
“So am I…” I heard him mumble.
“What?” I turned back to look at him. I felt hope rise in my heart like dandelion seeds, so easily blown away with a soft breeze. Or a word.
“No.” there it was, and with it my heart sank into my stomach.
“No…no what?”
“No ChangMin. What happened... I was drunk. That’s all.” He had stood up now, and was looking at me. He looked exhausted and drained. I couldn’t help but notice though, the desperation in his voice.
“Is that really all? A few beers and you kiss me?”
“I didn’t kiss you!” He shouted. He stopped and looked around. After he was satisfied no one was listening in, probably due to the sounds of JunSu puking and JaeJoong’s playful giggles, he said again in a whisper, “I didn’t kiss you.”
“Liar.” I don’t know where my courage came from but I walked up closer to him. He watched me like a deer in the headlights as I approached, and with a gentle shove to his shoulders, YooChun was against the wall with a soft thud. “Kiss me. Like before.”
He stayed silent. I stared into his eyes and held my breath. What was I doing? For a moment it felt like the space between us was getting smaller. I desperately wanted to feel him against me. I wanted to breath him in, every touch, every look, every sound, until he was a part of me. I didn't know if I could do that with a kiss, but I could sure as hell try.
I felt his hands on my chest and he pushed me away, just as gently as I had pushed him against the wall.
“No.” His voice was firm, and left nothing else to be said. YooChun left, without a second glace, and headed back to his room.
It wasn’t until I heard the bedroom door close that I moved, stumbling towards my bedroom. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest and I was starting to feel dizzy. Side affects of alcohol and heart ache I supposed. I shut the door of my room and stripped down to my boxers, leaving my dirty clothes wherever they landed.
“He kissed me.” I breathed out and fell onto my bed. After all of his rejection I still had that. At least it was something to hold onto. I knew YooChun was lying, the kiss wasn’t just some drunken play. There was something else there. There had to be. I rubbed my eyes and prayed for sleep to claim me quickly. I couldn’t have another sleepless night of spiraling thoughts. It was exhausting.
A/N:
1. This one was hard to write… the relationship is changing… and will continue to do so… the transition is difficult to describe. I hope it worked out well.
2. SORRY that this update took so long! Hopefully the next one will come sooner.
3. Little David Bowie reference in there from the song “Queen Bitch”. I was listening to it at the time, and it was describing almost exactly what ChangMin was going through during part of this chapter. Praise Bowie and iTunes for their awesome power. EDIT: HERE is the song if you want it. ^^
4: Thanks for the comments so far! They make me crazy happy. ^^