Navel-gazing and whining
So today's been a long day. One of my flatmates asked me to go out to one of the bars with them (at like 9:30, while I was in the middle of dinner), but they all left before I had finished my meal and washed up. So now I'm trying to decide if I really want to walk all the way over there, in the dark, at 10:00 at night, when they were all planning on going to the LCR afterwards anyway, and I don't have tickets for that. I don't even know what's going on in there tonight. Did I mention it's dark? But I've been rather down all day, and I just got an email from my uncle, which made me sad. And I missed one of my classes today, one that I was really looking forward to, because I thought it was at 4 when it was really at 3. I'm feeling a bit demoralized, in other words. I don't really want to go out. And the last time I went out when I really didn't feel like it, I was miserable the entire time and hated myself for a good while afterwards, but that was an entirely different situation. Anyway, I guess I'm not going. I feel bad now. And the guy who told me to come is really sweet, and has been telling me about how homesick he is, and has just been really nice to me, so I feel like I'm letting him down. And that just makes me feel pathetic. I figure it being 10:00 and dark and having to walk over there by myself is a good enough excuse, right?
Yeah, I've been kind of homesick lately. By that I mean really homesick, which is never really something I've experienced before. I've always had someone around, or had been doing enough, to distract me from the fact that I'm not at home. Like when I went off to St. Olaf--they had so much stuff for us planned, and once that was done, I had class every day. I've only got class on Mondays and Thursdays this semester. I have plenty of free time to think over what I've done. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've never been homesick before, and now I am, and it's scaring me. And it doesn't help with the solitary, yet completely dependent on other people aspect of my personality at all.
It's 10:00 exactly now. I could leave and get to the Blue Bar by 10:10, 10:15, depending on how fast I walk. Then I'd have to find my flatmates. And it's dark. Okay, if I'm trying this hard for excuses, I think I'll just stay in.