Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet (9/13)

[oneneuroticfan]

So here's part ten, and wow I just passed the 50K mark with this fic, how did that happen! Want to say thanks to everyone that's still reading this and for all the lovely comments, they spur me on when I feel like I can't keep going. As usual I want to thank masja_17 for beta-ing and being supportive and just fantastic. Hope you enjoy this section :)

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Admitting he's in love with Jensen, even if it's only to himself, does little to lift Jared's worries, if anything it only seems to add to them, and to his confusion as well. He's finding that the more time he spends with Jensen, and the more he accepts and acknowledges the feelings he's developing, the harder it is to separate the Jensen that's his friend and his team mate, from the Jensen he's sleeping with. They just keep blending over into each other until he can't tell the difference between the two, until it's all just Jensen.

The thing is he can't really complain, because Jensen hasn't really been a dick lately, and Jared feels like something's changed between them, even if he can't quite say what it is. It's just, it's little things, like Jensen will be more touchy feely with him even when Mike and Chris are around, he'll be more thoughtful about things and Jared's noticed that he's becoming more open about himself. He'll tell Jared about his embarrassing stories and he'll ask Jared about himself too and Jared can almost let himself believe that Jensen actually wants to know.

Still he doesn't tell Jensen how he feels and Jensen doesn't say anything about what they are and that's fine. Really it's fine. Or at least it would be if it wasn't driving him crazy.

He throws himself into hockey and training and Jensen and the thing is, the hockey is paying off. He's become more or less a fixed feature of the first line and he can't believe it, he'd hoped he'd do well, of course, but when he'd signed his name on that contract he'd thought he'd spend the first year on the bench or the seconds. He thought he'd have some ice time in the dying minutes of the game, when there was little pressure because they were ahead. He'd never thought that by Christmas, his first season, he'd be a main feature of the Boston Bruins and now he's there he wants to show the critics that he deserves to be there, that he's earned that place and that he's keeping it.

His focus is more determined than it's ever been and he's done letting outside issues bleed through onto the rink. They're sitting at the top of their division, twenty-one wins to only nine losses and, though no one wants to jinx it by saying it aloud, if they carry on the way they are there's a serious possibility of reaching the play-offs and that makes Jared's head spin. To reach the play-offs his first season would be unbelievable, and he almost can't bring himself to think about it.

Mid way through December Sandy calls to invite him to her parents house for Christmas, like she does every year but he just shrugs her off the same way he does every year and tells her he's got plans in Boston. And it's mostly truth, he has plans for a six pack of beer, he really needs to thank Mike for that fake ID, OD-ing on rubbish Christmas TV and generally he'll just spend the day in bed hiding underneath his covers. But she doesn't need to know that.

"Are you sure Jared?" Sandy phones to ask him the next day, it's a dance they do every year without fail and even though he never takes her up on the offer, he's thankful that there is someone that offers. "I could come to Boston for Christmas if you wanted."

"Yeah if I wanted your family to hunt me down you could. You spent thanksgiving with me, you need to spend Christmas with them." She huffs out a sigh down the line and Jared chuckles.

"You could come see them with me. They'd love to have you." Sandy cajoles and Jared prays this isn't one of the years where they actually end up arguing over this.

"You know I can't Sands." Jared grits his teeth, he hasn't been to San Antonio since he left two and a half years ago. Has only been to Texas for games. He promised himself when he got out that he was never going back. "I just... I can't."

"I know." Sandy's voice is full of understanding and when she hangs up she doesn't try to talk him into going again. The thing is, is she wanted to, she probably could talk Jared into anything. He's glad she doesn't use that super power on him very often.

The talk about Christmas plans doesn't come up until the week before Christmas when Jared is blissed out and drowsy, sprawled across Jensen.

"You going home from Christmas?" Jensen asks completely out of the blue and it catches Jared a little off guard. He bets Jensen doesn't even know the mine field he just walked in to. Or well maybe he does, Jensen keeps asking him about his family, just off-hand everyday questions but Jared can't get rid of the feeling that there's more to it.

"Nope." Jared replies, if he was being picky he could've said he already was home, but he hasn't got the energy for more than the one word answer and when he isn't forthcoming with more details Jensen keeps prodding.

"Sandy's?" He queries. "Or is she coming to you?"

"Nope just me." Jared says. "I don't really do Christmas." He adds, as if that explains it all.

Jared feels Jensen shake his head from where it's resting against his shoulder a small "Huh?" escaping his mouth.

Jared lifts his head so he can look down at Jensen. "What?"

"It's just, you know, I figured you'd love it, all the gifts and the candy and the decorations. Just thought that would be right up your street. You get so damn excitable about everything else."

Jared sighs, and rolls away from Jensen to his back so they're lying side by side. Jensen's right, there was a time when Christmas was the most exciting thing he could think of, but these days it's just a reminder of how everything has changed.

"Yeah I used to love it." Jared says, his brain's still too fuzzy for him to really think about his words. He's too comfortable with Jensen these days, he's worried all his secrets are going to come spilling out and he won't even realise. "It's just not the same."

Jensen shifts next him to lie on his side, head resting on his hand, elbow wedges in the pillow and he looks down seriously at Jared. "As what?" He asks. It's different from the usual conversations they have. Often when they get to subjects Jared doesn't want to talk about, he puts up the walls and Jensen lets him, he never pushes. But tonight, something's changed.

"As it was." Jared replies, he can't bring himself to look at Jensen, he can't look into those questioning eyes that he has no defence against.

"Jared." Jensen's tone is still light, but there's an undercurrent of warning and Jared knows evading isn't going to get him very far tonight. He's got two options, he can tell Jensen the truth or he can tell Jensen he doesn't want to talk about it, which he senses is likely to lead to an argument. He's so tired though, of the constant charade of it all and maybe this will change things, maybe it'll ruin everything because all Jensen will be able to see is the broken parts of him but he just needs to get it out and if it ruins it, then it ruins it.

"I can't go home." Jared's voice is sombre and he feels Jensen's eyes on him, he looks at anything but them, he's going to tell Jensen, he's going to put it all out there but if he looks at Jensen whilst he does, if he sees the pity there, he's going to break and he needs to just get it out in one go.

"I'm sur-" Jensen starts.

"They threw me out when I was seventeen." Fingers rub gently along Jared's arm and he closes his eyes against the urge to curl into Jensen, to just forget about it all. Jared can't gauge Jensen's reaction, he doesn't speak, just keeps up that soothing touch against Jared's skin and the quiet. The moment Jared gets to just breathe in that stillness gives him the strength to keep going.

"My family, Mom and Dad, they've always been religious. Catholic. They'd get their best Sunday clothes out and take us to church every week and every week I'd listen. I'd listen to the Father addressing the congregation, telling us about the temptation of sin in this modern world, telling us to not give into it and I tried you know. For years I couldn't admit to myself that I wasn't interested in girls, that the football captain did more for me than the head cheerleader.

I'm not sure when, or why I really accepted the fact that I was gay, but I did and every time I listened to that Father speak I couldn't understand what was so evil about two people loving each other. This wasn't a choice I'd made, this was just the way I was.

They'd always told me. Mom and Dad. That they loved me, no matter what, and I believed that. I spent a month working myself up into telling them, chickened out about five times before I actually sat them down and just said it, I was gay, and I didn't want to hide it anymore.

They didn't, love me no matter what, Mom told me it was a phase, as if I hadn't told myself that so many times. She said -" Jared's voice breaks and Jensen's fingers squeeze against his arm. "She said they'd get me help, that they'd speak to the Father, he'd know how to cure me of this disease. I think I'd been dumbfounded at first, like this wasn't all happening, like I was gonna wake up any minute and then reality hit me. She was still talking, prattling on at me and I just said no. I told her it wasn't a phase, that I didn't want help and this wasn't something they could change.

I looked her straight in the eye and I said I'm still Jared, I'm still your son. She told me to leave. No son of hers would be a sinner, no son of hers would disgrace their family like this. I said I guess I'm no son of yours then and she - she agreed. And the worst, worse than having your own mother tell you you're not her son anymore, is for your own father to sit there and let her. He didn't say a word to me, wouldn't even look at me. I'd been ten feet tall in his eyes and a few words, I'm gay, hadn't even left me worthy of being acknowledged.

It was stupid really, to think they'd be supportive. I think they might've been happier if I'd sat them down to tell them I'd gotten a girl pregnant. It wouldn't have mattered that I would've been throwing my life and any chance of getting to the NHL away, they'd still have been happier about that, than finding out their son was gay."

Jared's not sure when the tears fully started falling, but he realises as he heaves out a breath that his cheeks are wet. He's not sure when Jensen pulled him in close, when he wrapped those arms around him and held on. He can't stop the way his body shakes or the pitiful sobs that escape his mouth. Sandy's the only person he ever told, and then he built that wall high. And now he's taken it down, for Jensen and it's all coming crashing out and he's not sure how to hold himself together. It's been years and it shouldn't hurt this much, it shouldn't feel like he's breaking, like he's losing them all over again.

"And Jeff." Jared continues between sobs. "He said he'd always be there for me. I thought when he came home from college, or even when they told him, he'd call, he'd drop round, he'd want to know how I was doing. He'd want to know I was okay. But I guess - I guess I'm not his brother any more either."

Jensen doesn't speak and Jared's not sure he could handle words right now anyway. He just runs his hand along Jared's back until the tears run themselves out and Jared buries deeper into Jensen, trying to get away from it all. He feels boneless, he should feel embarrassed for breaking like that, for letting Jensen see, but he's just to drained to work up the energy.

"I miss them." He whispers as he feels sleep tug at his consciousness. It's an admission he's never admitted to, even to himself. His breathing begins to even out, the tears drying on his cheeks and his eyelids droop and Jensen just holds him and lets oblivion pull him under.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That last week before Christmas puts Jared in the worst mood, everywhere he turns he sees decorations or advertisements or some other damn thing that makes him remember. He thinks about Meg and the Christmas she got a pink tutu and pirouetted around the living room until she was nearly sick and the way she used to wake him up at five in the morning so she could open her presents, despite his protests she'd just bounce on his bed until he gave up on the hope of falling back to sleep and grudgingly rolled out of bed.

She'd still been young when he left and he wonders what kind of woman she's grown into. Whilst it hurts to not have a family any more he's never really regretted telling them, apart from when he thinks about how much he missed of Megan's life. He hopes maybe someday, when she's older, off to college, or settled down, he'll look her up just to see what her life turned out like.

The constant family reminders drive him further into moping and he thinks of himself as the Grinch these days and as the guys cotton on to his mood and his rants about it being a company driven holiday just trying to get them all to spend their money well, they too start calling him the Grinch.

He notices Jensen giving him sideways looks but it isn't pity he sees. Jared can't really describe what that look is or means. It's just Jensen. For once he doesn't feel quite so alone in it all. They talked about it, Jared's confession, briefly, the next day.

Jensen had cooked breakfast, waited till they were sat, eating and then he'd said. "They were wrong Jay. There's nothing about being gay to be ashamed about. You're the most decent, loving person I've known and if they couldn't see that, that liking a guy instead of girl doesn't make you anyone else but the person you've always been, then they were never worthy of you. You're so strong you know, to have come this far despite everything they put you through." Then Jensen had cleared his throat, blushed a little and added sheepishly. "I'm pretty much in awe of you."

Jared had mumbled something about thank you and sorry and then they'd awkwardly eaten the rest of their breakfast. He'd been shocked, when Jensen had spoken, there'd been a real conviction behind his words, as though he needed Jared to really believe he meant it, and he had. He's not sure he's heard Jensen so passionate about something before.

But if Jared thought the run up to Christmas was difficult, leaving Jensen in Illinois airport on Christmas eve knowing he's not going to see him for the next few days is infinitely worse. It's not like he'd expected Jensen to stay for Christmas, he already had plans, plans with his family, and he hadn't expected Jensen to invite him to go with him either but as they part ways, with little more than a friendly hug, Jensen boarding a plane for Dallas with Chris, and Jared with the rest of the guys that are heading back to Boston, his heart sinks a little lower, because he somehow can't help feeling left behind.

That feeling stays with him through a restless night and an early morning wake-up call when Sandy rings at nine am to check on him, like he's a five-year old or something. He'd planned to sleep in until at least noon, then channel surf until he found a decent Christmas film. Around five he'd break out the beer. Around eleven he'd move onto the whiskey that he knows is his Christmas present from Chris and by midnight he'd be passed out in bed, another Christmas successfully survived. Instead he finds himself sitting at the kitchen table at half nine, with no idea what to do with himself.

He sits there for at least an hour, just staring at the phone in his hands, he finds Jensen's number, considers pressing dial but then keeps on scrolling, before he's really thinking about what he's doing he's dialling, phone pressed to his ear, half praying someone doesn't pick up.

"Hello." Is that Meg's voice? Is that what she sounds like these days? Why is he even putting himself through this. She doesn't say anything else, just listens into the silence, waiting for him to say something maybe.

"Jared?" The voice on the other end of the line is so sweet when it says his name, so full of hope, not the disgust he'd always imagined he might have to face from her. He doesn't say anything just keeps listening, he can hear laughter in the background, conversations, that might be his father's laugh or his brother's, that might be his mother scolding, and Jared wonders if they even notice he isn't there anymore.

"It's okay." She says down the line and Jared thinks it's anything but. "I missed you."

He can't hit disconnect quick enough. Foolish, he thinks, so damn foolish. He'd just wanted that connection, just wanted to feel a part of something. He'd thought his mom would probably pick up, that's what he'd expected, or he'd get the answer machine and listen to their pre-recorded message. He'd just wanted to hear their voices. He hadn't expected Meg. Even more than that he hadn't expected hopeful Meg. He was an even bigger fool to hang up, right?

Glancing at the clock, 9:45, definitely too early for a beer. Isn't it?

Jared doses on the sofa until his stomach rudely awakens him around four, he scrounges up some left over pizza, not sure how long it's been sitting in his fridge, but it isn't furry and it doesn't smell so that's pretty much good enough for him.

He finds Jack Frost on the TV to watch with his pizza and a beer and thinks his plans might just be back on track. Around ten his phone goes off and Jared's relieved to see Jensen's ID rather than his parents. And then he realises that it's Jensen's ID, Jensen is calling him and he hastily grabs the phone to answer.

"Hey." Jensen's voice is even huskier down the line and Jared loves it.

"Hi." Jared replies, voice light, smile on his face for the first time all day, because Jensen rang him. On Christmas, Jensen rang him.

"Sorry I meant to call earlier, but it was too hectic and I couldn't get away." Jensen rang him on Christmas even though he was busy, it really shouldn't make Jared's stomach do weird little flips, it shouldn't.

"It's cool. I know how crazy it can get man." And he does, he remembers how he used to wish for a minute of peace, just one.

"I should have invited you." Jensen says it like he's cursing himself for not doing and Jared doesn't want that, doesn't want Jensen to feel guilty because of his situation, that isn't fair to either of them.

"I wouldn't have come, Sandy invited me to hers and I said no." It's not the whole truth, if Jensen had asked he probably would have gone.

"But I should have asked." They both pause and Jared doesn't know whether to say it doesn't matter or not. "It's just, they don't know I'm gay."

"Oh." Jared says lamely, it's the first time Jensen's admitted he's gay to Jared, he thought maybe he could be bi or just curious. Or well he doesn't know exactly what he thought but it's weird to hear Jensen just say it like that. Really he knew Jensen wasn't out, but he thought maybe he wasn't out in just the press kind of sense, he'd thought that maybe his family knew his orientation. He was probably worried, and then it hits Jared, he'd stupidly gone and told him his horrific coming out story and Jensen probably never wants to tell them now. "Oh." He really needs to think of actual words to say.

"I've been thinking about telling them." It's not for him, Jared tells himself, Jensen's not thinking about doing this for him, he can't let himself indulge in the thought, because once it's there, once it plants its stupid roots of hope he's never going to be rid of it. But a small piece of his heart warms, because maybe Jensen's telling them, because he wants them to know about Jared, he did just say he should have invited him home with him, but Jared had thought he's said that because he was maybe feeling guilty about Jared being alone, now he thinks maybe Jensen actually meant it.

"From what you've told me of you family, I'm sure they'd support you."

"Yeah. Maybe." He sounds so unsure, and it's strange, because usually Jensen has all this confidence.

"I've heard you on the phone with your Mom Jen, she loves you. My situation doesn't happen to everyone, I mean you told me she loved Josh's college friend who was gay, that means they're accepting right? I'm not gonna say it'll be perfect and yeah it might change things, but they'd still love you and they'd still be there for you."

"I know. It's just I put it off for so long, the longer I keep putting it off the harder it seems to be." Jensen sighs, and isn't that the truth.

"It'll only get harder." Jared agrees. "I'm not going to say this is something you should do, I'm not trying to talk you into it Jen, you have to want to do it and you have to want to do it for the right reasons, otherwise you're only gonna to regret it. I don't regret telling my folks, because I was ready Jensen, I was tired of hiding who I was."

Jared's words hang in the quiet static of the line between them, Jared can hear laughter in the background, the hustle of family.

"I got you a present." Jensen says after a few minutes.

"What?" Jared's stomach does this weird little flip.

"You free on Sunday?" Jensen asks.

"Yeah, why?"

"Okay, you'll get it Sunday."

"What? No. You cannot do that man. That's like five days away, I cannot wait five days not knowing what you got me. Come on, gimme a clue." Jared's never been great with waiting to find out what present he's getting, he and Meg used to always look for the Christmas presents, but somehow they never were able to find them.

"Nope."

"What if I guess, will you tell me yes or no." Jared coaxes.

"Nope."

"No fair, you're cruel." Jared whines and wishes Jensen was here so he could use his puppy dog eyes, they always get him what he wants with Jensen.

"Quit whining" Jensen scolds lightly.

Jared just laughs. "I feel bad, I didn't get you anything."

"I'm sure I could let you make that up to me." Jensen's voice drops low, those husky Texas tones coming through and it shoots straight to Jared's gut.

"Oh yeah did you - um - have something in mind?" Jared says, a little hesitant, unsure of his words, fumbling the phone as he switches hands, they've never done this over the phone before, he's never done this over the phone before, are they even doing this over the phone, or did he read that completely wrong and just make an idiot of himself.

"That mouth maybe?" Okay he definitely didn't read it wrong.

"Yeah, what about my mouth?" He asks hastily.

"I'd put it to work Jay." The idea sends a thrill through Jared's body and he hears the click of a door before the background noise from earlier fades away, and fuck, they're really doing this. "God my cock loves your mouth Jay, so hot and wet and you take me so fucking deep. And you love it don't you, love having your mouth full of me?"

Jared feels himself growing harder in his jeans, this is all going so fast, Jensen's hardly said anything and still Jared's getting pretty uncomfortable with the way his dick is straining against the material, but Jensen's got a skill for sending him from zero to a hundred in about a millisecond, he only has to hear that voice, see that face and he's beyond turned on. Jared undoes the top button of his jeans, slides down the zipper. Just to ease the tension, or so he tells himself. "Yeah." He manages to get out, face flaming even if Jensen isn't there to see his reaction, it's just, this feels strange, he's not sure what he's supposed to say, without sounding like a complete idiot.

"Love it when you take just the head of me Jay, when you work your tongue on the underside, find that spot that drives me wild. Want that Jay, want your mouth on me."

Jensen's talked whilst they were in bed before, but he's never mapped out what he wants Jared to do to him simply with words, he's never gotten Jared this hot, this hard, without even touching him, without even being here with him. There's just his voice, that seductive drawl down the line and Jared's always thought Jensen's voice was hot but he's never gotten off on it quite like this before.

"Yeah." Jensen says as he hears Jared's sharp intake of breath. Is that Jensen's zipper, Jared wonders, is Jensen as turned on by this as he is? "And then you can run that tongue further down, across my balls, so hot when you suck them, and you'd suck both of them Jay?"

Jared takes a stuttering breath, presses the palm of his hand against his crotch and whines down the line. It's not enough, to relieve the ache and he closes his fingers around himself, feels his hips jerk and moan escape his lips at the sensation.

"Anything Jen." The words tumble from Jared's mouth, and if he was any more in control he'd feel awkward about the admission. "Anything you want."

"Fuck." Jensen swears. "Wanna feel you inside me Jay. Want you to fuck me." Jared groans as he almost loses it. Over the past few weeks he's thought about what it would feel like to bury himself in Jensen, to feel what Jensen feels when he sinks inside of Jared, to make Jensen feel as hot and needy as Jensen makes him feel when he works inside his ass, but he's never really thought it was an option.

"You like that?" Jensen asks, and Jared's little whimpers dismiss the need for an answer, he can't help himself as he strokes a hand over his dick, hisses at the contact. "You wanna work yourself inside'a me, feel me gripping you. Would you sink in slow Jay, savour it? Or would it be rough, fast, hard?"

"D-Dunno." Jared stutters out and he squeezes his fingers around the base of his cock afraid he's gonna come already, just from the idea of fucking Jensen.

"Sure you do. You wanna take me slow or fast Jay? You wanna draw it out, or make me feel you for days?"

"Fuck." Jared curses, his hand moving again, thumb brushing over the head off his cock, spreading the precome that's leaking out through his fingers, using it to work his hand faster as he starts sliding his palm up and down again, twisting and squeezing a little tighter on the up stroke. "Don't. Know. I never -" He grits out.

Jensen's groan in his ear turns to a growl, a predatory sound that only sends Jared higher. "Jesus, never?" Jared can hear Jensen breathe, heavy and fast, down the line. "You want to?"

Jensen says the words like a promise and Jared prays it is. "God yes."

"You touching yourself and thinking about fucking me Jay?" It's a question neither of them really needed to ask, Jared can hear the sound of flesh sliding against flesh down the line, knows Jensen must be able to hear him too.

"Thinking about the way I'd work myself open with my fingers for you?" Jesus Christ, Jensen's mouth, where is this coming from. Jared's hand moves faster, the need sharper with each wicked word that slips from Jensen's lips.

"Jensen. Jen. I can't - fuck." Jared feels incoherent, jerking himself off has always been good, always felt so damn good, but it's never, it's never made his skin crawl with need like this before.

"You close Jay?" And he is, so close to flying over the edge, but this is so hot, he's not sure he wants it to be over, wishes he could stay on this precipice forever.

"Gonna get off on the thought of my ass and the sound of my voice." There's a taunt to Jensen's words, almost like a challenge.

"Come on. Do it. For me Jay." Those last words from Jensen's lips, the command, the request, the way he whispers Jared's name, has Jared's body tensing, hand flying, and the sensation builds, holds him right there at the peak, muscles straining, back arching, a string of incoherent words falling from his mouth and he flies over the edge. There on the sofa, cock in one hand, phone to his ear with the other, his body convulses as hot ropes of come splash against his skin. And Jensen's voice is still there as he rides it out, as the sensation almost becomes too much.

"Fuck. Wish I could've seen that." Jensen says, his voice getting tighter and Jared can tell he's close. "Love to watch you come apart for me."

Jared's hips buck one last time, a groan ripping from his chest. He wishes he could find the words to give Jensen, to send him spiralling like Jensen did to him.

"Love the sounds you make for me." Jensen's voice is ragged the words strained. "Next time I see you, you're gonna fuck me." A grunt assaults Jared's eardrums and he listens to the sound of flesh against flesh as Jensen works himself to release. Listens to the way his name hisses in his ear, Jensen moaning it over as he wracks in deep breaths and Jared's dick twitches in renewed interest.

"Fuck." Jensen finally lets out. "So hot Jay."

"Yeah, that was - erm - pretty damn - you know." Jared stumbles over his words, he's not quite sure what the etiquette for post phone-sex is, do they go back to normal conversation, do they just hang up. Neither one speaks, they just listen to each other's breath even out.

A muffled knock ends the silence, and Jared hears as someone shouts for Jensen, as Jensen says he'll be out in a minute.

"Shit I gotta go Jay." And Jared smiles at the regret in Jensen's voice at the thought of hanging up.

"It's okay, we've been on the phone a while, they'll be missing you."

"Yeah." Jensen agrees. "See you Sunday yeah?"

"Yeah Sunday." Jared agrees.

"And Jay, Merry Christmas." Jensen adds, before the line goes dead.

"Merry Christmas." Jared says to the dial tone, and for a change he thinks he might actually mean it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Though Jensen texts and calls the next couple of days, though they probably talk more than they would if Jensen was in the same state as Jared, Jared can't help but feel a little lost without him right there. He's gotten used to Jensen just dropping round. He's gotten used to them getting together for beers or watching a game, just being there.

The first day he's moody, the second he mopes, the third he realises he's on a downer, gives in and phones Mike to see if he fancies grabbing a beer.

That's how Jared finds himself halfway to drunk in the middle of a dive bar wondering what the hell Mike's talking about.

"Another round?" The bartender asks and Mike agreed before Jared can think about turning it down. He really should, he doesn't need to deal with a hangover tomorrow, but trying to come between Mike and a beer is never really a good idea.

"So you're in a wonderful mood JT." Mike says and Jared looks at him in question. "You call me up looking for a good time, and then you've just been staring into the bottom of your beer for the past hour."

"Sorry." Jared apologises, eyes still firmly rooted in the bottom of his beer. "I guess I'm just in a mood. Rubbish company. Shouldn't have called you."

"This about Jensen?" Mike asks and Jared feels his heart speed up.

He clears his throat. "What about Jensen?"

"How stupid do you think I am? Or Chris is? We know the two of you are fucking." Jared chokes mid-sip, eyes wide, and really he shouldn't be surprised by Mike's bluntness. Mike is only bluntness.

"I don't think you're stupid Mike. It's just. I didn't know if you knew about Jensen. I didn't wanna say anything in case you didn't."

"It's cool man." Mike says. "Now tell me what's up. You guys have a fight?"

"What?" Jared asks puzzled, and then remembers the earlier part of their conversation, about Jared being piss poor company. "I just miss him."

"Shit JT." Mike laughs.

"What?"

"Got it bad huh?"

"Maybe." Jared shrugs. "Yeah I guess."

"So when you gonna get around to telling him you love him?"

Jared chokes on his beer for the second time that night and thinks maybe it's just safer to not drink at all whilst Mike's talking.

"I'm not - you know -we're not -- it's not like that." Jared tries to work through his alcohol hazed mind to find the words to make Mike back off.

"Here have another beer." Mike says. "A few more and you won't even think to deny it anymore."

Mike's a bad influence, Jared decides, a bad influence that should come with a warning. Mike holds Jared up as they stumble from the bar and Jared hears himself giggle, not a clue what's so funny.

"He's got mermaid eyes, you know." He slurs as Mike drags him a few steps home. "Let's go to Jen's Mike."

"He ain't home JT."

Jared pouts. Why isn't Jensen home, Jared is drunk, and drunk Jared needs Jensen. It's so totally unfair for Jensen to not be there. And that's when Jared's mind decides to remind him of the fact that Jensen is in Dallas.

"Let's go to Dallas. We should totally go to Dallas." Jared says, because right know, brain fuzzy with alcohol that sounds like the best idea he's had all night.

"Yeah, sure JT, once we get you home." Mike placates.

"Wish Jen was here." Jared sighs wistfully.

"Probably a good thing he isn't to be honest, you'd be embarrassed if he heard the words your spouting. Hell he'd probably punch you for half of them." Mike's silly, because Jensen would never punch him and that sets Jared off into another set of giggles, that only makes it harder for Mike to support him.

"Did I tell you bout his mermaid eyes?" Jared says and Mike rolls his own eyes as he tries and almost fails to keep Jared upright.

"Yeah about a million times." Mike's seriously reconsidering getting Jared drunk ever again, unless Jensen's around to hear him, because really that's the only reason this could ever be fun, what in the hell was he thinking?

"Fuckin' love him Mike." And there it is. There's the first time he's voiced aloud his love for Jensen, and it wasn't that damn hard really, why the hell had he been so worried about it?

"Well Hallelujah." Mike laughs and they continue to stumble down the street.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jensen stands nervously on Jared's doorstep, he brings up his hand to knock, then pauses, indecision plaguing him. They'd settled on Sunday, he was supposed to pick Jared up tomorrow so he could go give him his Christmas present, but somehow, when he'd landed back in Boston, instead of heading back to his place, like a sane person would, he'd told the cab driver Jared's address and that's how he finds himself standing in front of Jared's door, about twelve hours early.

He's not sure why he's being such a wuss about this, he's just dropping round, it isn't like he hasn't done it before, it's just, Jensen feels like, despite the fact they still haven't talked about it, things have gotten a little bit serious and he just, he needs this right now, he needs Jared right now. He needs the reassurance that this thing with them is still there and still real and wasn't just made up in his mind by reading into things over telephone calls that weren't actually there. He needs to see Jared smile at him, needs to see his face light up because he's there, needs to see it reach his eyes. He needs to hear Jared's laugh and listen to his rambling words and just touch, just reach out and touch him and find him still there in his grasp. He can't do any of that from this side of the damn door.

He'd told his damn parents. He'd told them he was gay. He'd told them about Jared, not that they didn't already know about him, his mom says he talks about Jared non-stop, it was more he told them what Jared meant to him. It hadn't been awful, they hadn't thrown him out or called him names, but it hadn't been great either, Jensen wasn't getting a big coming out party. He thinks, though they didn't say it, he thinks, he maybe disappointed them and really after everything, he can think of nothing worse than that. His momma had cried, he wasn't supposed to hear it, but he had and it had been his fault.

Jensen feels somewhat lost, somewhat adrift, they said they loved him, his momma had kissed him and told him she loved him when she'd left him at the airport, but somehow, and he isn't sure why, it feels different.

Lifting his hand he brings his fist to the door and bangs, and prays to god that Jay is home. The next few moments seem like some of the longest of his life as he waits silently. He breathes a sigh of relief as the door swings open to reveal Jared, his heart swells, his chest feels warm and heavy the way it always does when he looks at Jared and that niggling feeling he's been carrying since he left his parents in Texas settles at the sight of the man, that he realises now, he loves.

Jared's smile dims as he takes in the sight of Jensen on his doorstep, his mind screaming something isn't right. Jensen's usually so well put together, but his hair is stuck up at odd angles and his face, there's this dejected look in his eye that puts Jared on edge. He takes a step forward and wraps his arms around the man on his doorstep, he has no idea what's hurting him, he just knows what a man who needs someone to hold him looks like, he's seen it enough times in the mirror. And Jensen just sort of crumples into him, as if it was taking all of his effort to keep himself standing, to get himself here and now that he has, it's like he's got nothing left.

"It's okay." Jared hears himself say as he drags Jensen closer, pulls him in tighter all whilst trying to get them both back inside. "Whatever it is, it'll be okay."

His hands shouldn't shake as he leads Jensen over to the sofa, but he can't help it, Jensen, for the most part is always so together, the version of Jensen, the one that's sitting in his living room, it's just a shell of Jensen and really that beyond disconcerting.

"What happened Jen?" Jared says gently, afraid to raise his voice in case he startles him.

There's silence for a few minutes and Jared's heart picks up. "I told them." Jensen says barely louder than a whisper and Jared tries to wrack his brain, should he know who them is, should he know what Jensen told them and then his mind clicks back to that phone conversation on Christmas, to Jensen's off-hand 'I've been thinking about telling them' and Jared has to take a deep breath before he lets himself speak.

"How did they take it?" Jared asks, praying it went well, praying it went better than it had for him.

"They - They love me Jay." Jensen says and Jared thinks it's a little strange to lead with that but doesn't stop him. "But I think, maybe, I disappointed them. I think, maybe, I let them down."

"Don't say that." Jared's voice firm, a little more aggressive then he'd like, but he can't hear that from Jensen. He can't. "Did they say that? Jen, did they say you'd let them down?"

Jensen looks at him finally and there are tears in his eyes just waiting to fall, suddenly he doesn't look twenty-four at all, just a boy, that's a little lost. Jared squeezes Jensen's hand, trying to reassure him that he's here, that it'll be okay.

"No. They didn't - but - I just, after I told them, it was different. I knew it would be, but I just, I just never figured it would hurt that much."

Wrapping an arm around Jensen, Jared pulls him in. "Give them a little time Jen, it was probably a shock, just give them some time to get their heads round it. Your momma loves you, your dad too, it'll be okay again, you'll see." And Jared means it when he says that, because they didn't throw Jensen out, from what he can gather they didn't call him names or try to make him change and they told him they loved him, at least that's what he gathers Jensen's opening statement was about. Jensen's parents are good people, that have been dreaming of what their son would grow up to be, they've seen him in the tabloids with girls and to be told that that isn't the life Jensen wants, that has to come as a bit of a shock. But the way Jensen talks about them, he knows they're accepting and Jared thinks they just need a little time to process.

"I told them about you." Jensen admits.

"What about me?" Jared asks, and he feels shaky now for completely different reasons.

"That we're seeing each other. My mom called you my boyfriend, I didn't stop her." Jensen turns to look Jared fully in the face and Jared sees fear behind the eyes. "Do you wanna be?"

Jared's breath gets stuck somewhere between his lungs and mouth. This can't be real, this can't be happening. Jensen's never been this open with him before, he's never just talked, they've never just talked and Jared's face lights up as he looks back at him.

"Your boyfriend?" Jared asks, smile wide and goofy and he doesn't care. "I'd love to be, yeah."

Jensen smiles for the first time since Jared found him on his doorstep and Jared can't help but dip his head and press his mouth against his boyfriend's. Weird, that sounds so weird, he thinks, but he loves it, he really loves the sound of it in his head, thinks he'll love the sound of it even more when he says it out loud. Jensen's lips open against his, tongue darting forward to tease entrance into Jared's mouth, but Jared just keeps moving his lips slowly against Jensen's, running his hands up and down Jensen's arms and feels the man in his grasp shiver into the touch.

Jensen's reaching for more, pushing for fast and Jared recognises that need to connect, but this time, after everything that's happened, Jared wants more than that, he wants to take Jensen apart one pleasure at a time, he wants to take him to a place beyond thought and worry, he wants to make Jensen feel treasured, feel loved and as he pulls back, one hand lifting to stroke along Jensen's jaw, he promises himself that he can do this, that he can give this to Jensen.

Standing, Jared holds out a hand and Jensen takes it without hesitation, rising and allowing Jared to pull him towards the stairs. They pause midway, for Jared to get another taste, for him to lick along the inseam of Jensen's lips and drag a throaty growl from Jensen. He steps back in delight and then laughs when Jensen pushes him the rest of the way up the stairs.

They tumble onto Jared's bed and Jared pushes Jensen back against the mattress as, straddling Jensen, he looks down at him. He runs a hand along the cotton that covers Jensen's torso, pauses as he reaches the hem, looks up at Jensen, eyes catching and he slips his hand beneath the material to feel hot skin. He runs his fingers higher, the t-shirt bunching, revealing the freckled skin of Jensen's stomach. Jensen's arches, back leaving the bed as Jared's fingers find his nipple and twist just the right side of painful. Jared moans his approval at Jensen's response.

He's only touching, they're still fully clothed but Jared feels heady with the sense of power that comes from having a body like Jensen's beneath him like this. He's never done this, he's never been the one in control, and it makes his hands shake just a little as he pushes Jensen's t-shirt higher, drags it over his head. He stares down at the exposed skin beneath him, runs his hands across it, fingers light, barely touching, like a whisper or a promise and he feels Jensen shift against him.

He follows those fingers with butterfly kisses, sweet and meant to tease and Jensen groans at the barely-there contact.

"Jay." He breathes out and Jared smiles into Jensen's skin at the breathless way Jensen calls his name. He only fumbles slightly with Jensen's belt and he considers it a victory when he pops the button of his Jeans on the first attempt, holds his breath as he draws Jensen's zipper down.

The body beneath his begins to shift restlessly, the need for something more than light touches driving its movement and Jared places a hand firmly to soothe and halt the movement. He uses his other hand to drag Jensen's jeans down, he laughs nervously when he realises Jensen's still got his boots on. A moan of protest fills the room when Jared moves off of Jensen and reaches down to untie his boots. Jensen braces himself on his elbows, his upper body off the bed and he watches Jared as he removes the boots and jeans and Jensen's boxers.

He's still fully clothed, standing at the end of the bed looking down at the naked body below him. His fingers itch to touch, his mouth waters at the thoughts of tasting but Jared tries to reign himself in, this isn't about him tonight, this is about Jensen.

Jensen's fingers reach out for the hem of Jared's t-shirt as he lowers himself over Jensen again, but Jared catches the hand easily, brings it to his lips instead. Jensen looks up at him, eyes wary, and Jared places a kiss to the thundering pulse in Jensen's wrist.

"Just let me show you Jen." He says, and he's thankful his voice doesn't shake as he gets the words out. "Let me show you how you make me feel." That's all he wants, all he needs, to show Jensen how loved he is, and how right this is, how right they are, to just make him forget all the bad, all the worry and focus on this, on them.

His lips dance along the skin Jensen's arm, his teeth nip only to soothe it away with soft press of his tongue. Jensen's body relaxes degree by degree as Jared works his mouth over Jensen's body. He knows all the spots that Jensen loves and he uses them against him. That spot behind his ear, Jared sucks at that, and Jensen bucks light beneath him. When he dips his tongue into the hollow of Jensen's neck, he feels fingers clutch at his back. By the time Jared reaches the sharp jut of Jensen's hip bone, he's writhing beneath Jared and Jared knows he's got Jensen right where he wants him, balancing precariously on the edge of letting go and he wants to see what happens when he does.

Pulling back Jared looks down at the sight before him once more and he can't believe he's lucky enough to have this. Jared shifts further down the bed, his gaze settling between Jensen's thighs and his mouth waters as he takes in Jensen's cock. He hasn't even touched it yet, but it lies full and heavy against Jensen's stomach, the head red and angry and Jared feels another twist of lust as Jensen unconsciously jerks his hips, jostling his dick and spreading precome against his skin.

Jared's hand reaches out, the tip of a finger ghosting up over the length and Jensen's hips rise off the bed seeking better contact. He never expected to like this so much, never expected to crave the feel of Jensen in his hand or the taste of Jensen in his mouth, but ever since that first touch, that first taste, he hasn't been able to get it out of his system. Gripping Jensen at the base Jared leans forward, tongue licking a teasing trail from the base to tip.

"Fuck." Falls from Jensen's mouth and Jared grins as he takes the head fully into his mouth. Jared grips Jensen's hips as he feels him thrust up, trying to slide further into the heat of Jared's mouth, but Jared's in control here, he says how much and when and he just holds Jensen down as he slowly slides Jensen's cock further into his mouth. He hums his approval at the feel of Jensen heavy against his tongue and gets an answering groan from Jensen from the added stimulation.

The tight grip of fingers in his hair pushes Jared's arousal higher and he's glad he left his clothes on else he might have been tempted to just rut himself against Jensen and let go. Jared takes Jensen as deep as he can, feels the head of Jensen's cock bump at the back of his throat before pulling back, running his tongue along the underside, teasing at the bundle of nerves just under the head, with just that pressure that he knows drives Jensen crazy, and then slides back down to do it all over again and all the while he's working his hand, squeezing and twisting and losing himself in the taste and feel of Jensen.

Fingers tighten painful against his scalp and he knows Jensen's about to lose it, so he pushes Jensen's cock deeper, hollows his cheeks and sucks a little harder. "Jared. I can't-" And Jensen doesn't get to finish that sentence as his words fade out into a silent moan, his head falling back, his hips battling with Jared's strength to leave the bed and he spills himself into Jared's mouth. Jared just takes it, swallowing down each spurt of come, working his hand over Jensen as his body trembles with release, only moving away, Jensen slipping from his mouth, when Jensen pushes him forcibly off, the sensation becoming too much.

Jensen just lies there, eyes squeezed shut and Jared watches the rise and fall of Jensen's chest as his breath stutters from his body. He likes Jensen best like this, blissed out, too far gone with pleasure to do anything but lay there. His cock reminds him that the night isn't over yet as it strains against his jeans and Jared hastily strips out of his clothes. He reaches into the nightstand and pulls out lube and a condom and tries to steady his breathing. Jensen's still lying there, hasn't made any indication that he's noticed what Jared is doing and suddenly he has the thought that maybe it isn't okay to do this, that maybe Jensen doesn't actually want this. Maybe the phone sex was just living out a fantasy, maybe that's as far as Jensen wanted to actually take it.

He's jerked out of his current neurosis when he feels Jensen slip the bottle of lube into his fingers. He looks down at his hand, then back up at Jensen, chest tight with awe and worry.

"You sure?" He asks Jensen and watches as a grin spreads across his face, head falling back against the pillows.

"Fuck yeah Jay." Jensen drawls. "Wanna see if you're as good with that cock as you are with your mouth."

Jared's stomach tenses at Jensen's words, his dick begging for just a little attention, but he's worried that if he touches it, he won't be able to stop and he really really doesn't want to get off that way. He wants to be buried deep in Jensen when he comes and the thought that he can have this makes his blood rush a bit faster. Jensen, Jensen is so good when he does this for Jared, but what if, what if he can't do that, what if he messes this all up.

"Tell me." Jared starts, face flush with embarrassment. "Tell me if I hurt you or if I'm doing this wrong."

Reluctantly Jared raises his head to catch Jensen's eyes, he isn't prepared for the brush of Jensen's lips against his own. "You won't, but I'll promise you anyway."

Jensen takes the lube, that Jared's still clutching, from his grip, snaps the cap open and squeezes it out onto Jared's fingers. Then he lays back against the pillows, thighs open and waits for Jared. He can do this, Jared tells himself. Jensen trusts him with this, so he can do it. He moves higher up the bed, settled between Jensen's thighs, left hand resting on Jensen's leg and rubs one finger around Jensen's puckered hole. He keeps glancing up at Jensen's face, trying to decipher the emotions there, ready to stop if he sees anything close to discomfort, but all he sees is bliss.

Taking a deep breath he pushes the finger forward slowly, holds the breath as it sinks into Jensen and lets it out as he hears Jensen groan in pleasure. He leaves it there a few moments before beginning to move, a slow drag out, a slower push in, just the way he thinks Jensen works him open. He crooks his fingers, trying to make this good for Jensen, trying to find that spot that always pushes Jared higher, but he can't seem to find the right angle or depth.

"More, Jay." Jensen mumbles pushing his ass against Jared's finger and Jared pushes a second slick finger against Jensen's rim, it's a little more work than the first, but it slides in easily and continues his same rhythm this time with two fingers. He notices Jensen's cock has begun to fill again and it makes his own jerk at the thought, because surely that means he's doing this right, that Jensen's enjoying this.

He stretches his fingers inside Jensen, feels his body give to the intrusion and is awestruck by the fact that he's got his fingers up Jensen's ass right now, maybe he should be freaked or disgusted but he's not, he's just beyond turned on and if the little mewling noises and twisting of Jensen's body are anything to go by then Jensen's right there with him.

Crooking his fingers upwards again he feels Jensen jerk beneath him, breath shuddering out. "Jesus Christ!" ripping from Jensen's lips and he knows he found it, Jensen's prostate, that bundle of nerves that make stars explode behind his eyelids, he hopes it's the same for Jensen. Working a third finger into Jensen is much more difficult than the first or second and he worries that it's too much, but Jensen just pushes down onto them, telling Jared how fucking good it feels.

"Fuck me Jay." Jensen begs after only a few minutes of having three of Jared's fingers working him open and Jared thinks maybe it isn't enough but when Jensen whines and begs again. "Need you inside me, God!" He can do nothing but give the man he loves what he wants.

Removing his fingers, he struggles to open the condom wrapper, fumbles further when he tries to roll it on himself then spread the lube along his length and he can't look up at Jensen as he asks. "How do you - erm - wanna do this?"

A hand lifts his chin so their eyes meet and Jared settles a little as he sees only lust and want and need staring back at him. Jensen doesn't speak just pulls Jared down on top of him, spreads his legs further and planting his feet in the mattress lifts his hips just a little in invitation. Fuck, Jared thinks, never gonna last.

He kisses Jensen, once, twice just to ground himself, then lines his dick up against Jensen's ass before pushing slowly forward. Jensen's still got his face in his hands, their eyes still locked and Jared wants to close them at the tight hot feel of Jensen opening up around him, but he's too mesmerised by Jensen to want to look anywhere else.

He sees the flash of pain in Jensen's eyes as the head of his cock slips past the tight ring of muscle and he holds himself still, body straining with the urge to move, to thrust, to bury himself in Jensen. He's never felt anything like this, never knew it was possible to feel anything like this. He'd thought Jensen's mouth was hot, he'd thought that was maybe the hottest thing but this, sliding inside of Jensen, feeling him open up, feeling him take him is so much more. It isn't just the pleasure, the sheer need coursing through him, it's that Jensen trusts him enough to let him inside his body. He feels strangely humbled by that thought and it's the only thing holding him back from merely taking his own pleasure.

"Move." Jensen says and it snaps the little control Jared was holding on to.

His body thrusts forwards, probably too fast probably too hard but he can't think through the haze of need and Jensen and more. His mind is lost to the pleasure, to the instinct of movements he had no idea he knew, and rocks himself into Jensen's tight ass.

"Jen. It's so - God - you're - dunno if I can..." Jared grits out, eyes still locked with Jensen's and Jensen doesn't say anything, mouth hanging open, dragging in deep gulps of air but Jared feels Jensen bear down, feels Jensen's ass grip him tighter and he hisses, roughly taking Jensen's mouth with his own.

He has enough brain cells left to think about Jensen's pleasure and Jared works a hand between their bodies gripping Jensen's hard dick in his hand and begins to work him back to orgasm.

"Come on. Come on." He chants as his hips slam harder faster and he prays Jensen's close. He's surprising himself with his ability to hang on, but any control is fast evaporating.

Jared squeezing Jensen tight, thrusts his hips forward once more, deep and hard and realises he must have hit Jensen's prostate as the body under his, tenses, muscle taught, back arching, ass pressing down on Jared's dick, as the one he's working over with his hand jerks.

"Yes." Jensen cries. "Fuck Yes." And he's spilling thick ropes of come over both their stomachs.

Jared's breath heaves, his ability for thought or reason non-existent, all that matter is this, all that he can think about is Jensen and his hips continue to plunge in, out. Three deep thrusts is all it takes, before his hands tighten on Jensen's thighs and his breath stutters. His body shakes as Jensen's body wrings the orgasm from him, the sensation too much and not enough and he chants Jensen's name into the crook of his neck, where his face his buried. He's never felt anything like it, Jensen ass gripping him as he twitches through the last few bursts of his orgasm and he feels like screaming, he feels like shouting or dancing or maybe crying. Instead he takes a few deep breaths as Jensen runs a soothing hand along his back.

Finally when he finds the strength Jared pulls out of Jensen's ass, misses the heat as soon as it's gone. He should get up, get a cloth to clean them both up but he just doesn't have the strength, he simply pulls off the condom, ties off the end and throws it in the direction of the bin before pulling Jensen against his side and the covers up over them. They don't speak, Jared just listens to Jensen's breathing, notices how it eases down and feels his body settle in.

"Thank you." He hears Jensen mumble.

And Jared just lies there with Jensen nestled into the crook of his arm, head resting on his chest against his heart and Jared's overcome with a sense of belonging.

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