Which to bury, us or the hatchet (10/13)

[oneneuroticfan]

Hey so I'm sorry that this took so long to write and get to you guys, I really don't know why it did, but it's here know and I hope you enjoy it. Again thanks to the wonderful masja_17 for the beta, although all mistakes are my own because I did a little playing once she was through with it, so I could add a little something, she knows which bit I mean ;) Anyway enjoy and thanks for reading.

Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11


Turning in the tangle of sheets Jared stretches tired muscles, realising he can't move one of his arms he opens his eyes to see his boyfriend, and man that still sounds weird, curled up against his side and the current source of his pinned status. Looking down at sun-kissed freckled skin and dusty blonde hair, ruffled from sex and sleep, Jared can't help the smile that plays across his lips.
He could get used to this.

Maybe not to the dead weight that's currently trapping his arm, because he can't actually feel his fingers right now, and surely prolonged exposure to those kind of situations is likely to lead to a constant non-feeling and Jared, well, he kind of likes the use of his hands. But this, Jensen lying next to him, in his bed, in his home. Yeah he could get used to that.

It's strange, Jared thinks, because this isn't the first time he's had Jensen in his bed, it isn't the first morning he's woken up with that body almost smothering him, but somehow, this morning, it all seems to hold more meaning. It's as if, when he didn't really know if he meant anything to Jensen, and surely he means something now because Jensen asked him to be his boyfriend, but back when he thought he was in this all alone, he hadn't dared to let himself have moments like this. Moments where there's only the quiet and calm, and Jensen sleeps by his side so peacefully that Jared can almost believe they're the only two people for miles. Indulging in that kind of thing before, well, yesterday, terrified him, because each time he let it happen Jensen somehow wiggled his way just a little deeper into his heart and so the more he let himself see and feel and accept those moments the more afraid he became that he'd never be able to let them go.

God I'm turning into a girl he chastises, but it doesn't stop him curling just a little closer into Jensen and closing his eyes, the light is barely peeking through the curtains, he can let himself spend a little while longer believing it's just the two of them.
When he opens his eyes from sleep for the second time that morning, some hours later if the now bright light in the room is anything to go by, he's greeted by green eyes and a full smile.

"Morning." Jensen hums as he presses a kiss to Jared's lips.

"Hmm." Jared mumbles as Jensen sinks into him and then groans in distress when those lips pull back too soon, eyes still on Jensen he pushes forward trying to chase those lips as Jensen swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Gotta get up Jay." Jensen chuckles as he dodges Jared's attempts at pulling Jensen back down next to him. Jared hears the chuckle die out into a low groan as Jensen settles his weight on his ass and Jared's heart leaps into his throat. He reaches out with more purpose this time, the teasing from just a few minutes earlier forgotten and holds Jensen still, pushing himself up to sit next to him.

"Did I..." He starts, flustered with trying to find the words and needing to know the answer. "Are you okay, Jen?"
Jensen turns to look at him, confusion evident on his face and Jared grits his teeth in frustration closing his eyes and letting the words fall out in one fast mumble that he isn't really sure is understandable.

"DidIhurtyou?"

Jensen just stares back at him for a few seconds before his face changes completely as realisation of what's currently racing through Jared's mind hits him, concerned eyes on Jared Jensen settles a hand lightly on his thigh and squeezes in reassurance.

"Jay? No. I'm just a bit sore. It had erm - well, been a while." And this time for once it's Jensen's turn to blush. Usually that would light Jared up inside, that he could make the cool, experienced Jensen blush would leave him awestruck. Jensen is so rarely bashful about anything that Jared loves to press his buttons when he discovers them and has, on many occasion, just to see what can make him squirm but right now all he feels is this dread in the pit of his stomach.

"But you're okay?" he questions. Jared remembers his first time, with Jensen, who'd been pretty gentle and he'd worked Jared open slowly but still he'd felt it the whole week after and sure it wasn't Jensen's first time, but Jensen had said that it had been a while and Jared, he should maybe have been a bit gentler right? It's just, it was Jensen, he seems to have no control when it comes to Jensen.

"More than okay." Jensen's smirk quells the immediate worry, makes his face light up, because he loves the way Jensen's voice gets deep, and the Texas seeps out just a little stronger when it's laced with innuendo. Hearing Jensen liked it, enjoyed it, calms a little of his insecurities, but still it niggles at him.

"Okay. You'd tell me if I did?" Jared asks and there's something of the broken boy Jensen sees from time to time in Jared, nothing of the man and Jensen brings his other hand up to rest against Jared's jaw.

"You couldn't hurt me Jay." Jensen says gently but it doesn't sway Jared's conscience or ease the worried look from his eyes and Jensen must notice because he continues. "But I'd tell you."

Jared nods and they sit there a few minutes, the room suddenly a little too serious and Jared starts to feel a little uncomfortable with the way the morning turned out, maybe he ruined it, but he chastises himself, because he needs to stop thinking like that, too damn paranoid. Jensen wants him, and he tries to hold on to that knowledge.

"Maybe we should clean up." Jensen wrinkles his nose gesturing to their naked bodies and Jared realises their stomachs are still crusted in Jensen's come. Yeah clean up is definitely needed and if he's lucky he may just wrangle Jensen into cleaning up together, shared showers is really one of Jared's favourite things.

"Got a present to get to, remember?" Jensen smiles, pushing Jared into his en-suite and then shutting the door between them. So no shower sex. Jared groans before letting it go and stepping into the shower because hey, maybe he's not getting shower sex but he is getting a present. And if there's one thing he loves more than orgasms, it's probably presents. Excitement bubbles inside of him because with everything that had happened the night before, and he still hasn't gotten the image of Jensen looking so lost on his doorway, doubts he ever really will, he'd completely forgotten their Sunday plans and his mind races with ideas of just what Jensen might have gotten him.

An hour later, Jared's still none the wiser and just a little bit moodier because Jensen is no fun. He really doesn't understand the whole giving a surprise thing, at least not the way Jared does surprises because he won't even give Jared clues or answer any of his questions he just smiles over at him indulgently, it almost makes Jared feel like a bratty teenager again, because that look is far too similar to the one his mother has given him over the years and it makes him want to wipe that smile off his face, but he just sits there as they continue to drive into the centre of Boston.

"Please Jen. Just one little clue." Jared whines and looks through lowered eyes at Jensen, it isn't the first time on the drive that he's resorted to what Sandy terms his 'damn puppy-dog eyes'. And that reminds him of Sandy, he really should call her and tell her he has a boyfriend now and maybe say sorry for being just a little bit of a jerk.

"Jensen?" Jared asks puzzled as they pull up at the curb. There's a few small shops to his left, houses to his right and Jared wonders why the hell they've stopped here. Jensen just sighs as he opens the car door.

"You coming?" He asks when Jared is still sitting there a few minutes later and Jared fumbles with the door handle as he gets out of Jensen's truck.

"It's just up here, a few minutes." Jensen says and Jared's getting bored with this whole secrecy thing and surprises. He really wants to just demand to know what it is and what's going on because he needs to know, but at the same time, he's kind of enjoying it too, in a really messed up way and he just can't bring himself to spoil this.

The walk isn't far, just a couple of minutes until Jensen suddenly stops and gestures his arm at the store front they're currently standing outside of, as if to say this is it. Jared's looks at the store and then back at Jensen his confusion evident on his face.

"Jen, you brought me to see the dogs?" Jared asks as he looks at the sign for the rescue centre in front of him and sure, whilst it isn't the present he'd been thinking about for the past, what feels like hours, it's nice, he thinks it's pretty damn awesome actually.

"No. Jay." Jensen tells him and Jared feels a frown work across his face.

"Huh?" Jared cocks his head to the side, he feels like he's being slow, like there's something really obvious happening and he's just not grasping it.

"You get to take one home." Jensen tells him, the smile he's wearing since they stepped up to the store falls a little, as if he's suddenly unsure this was the right thing to do. "If you want to?"

Standing on the pavement, Jared's pretty sure he looks like a goldfish the way his mouth keeps opening to say something before he closes it shut without uttering a sound. It's just, he's pretty damn speechless right now. This, getting a dog, he's been talking about it and planning to do it for months and somehow there's always been something standing in his way. But Jensen, wonderful thoughtful Jensen, he knew how much he wanted this and his boyfriend, his fantastic boyfriend is giving him this.

Jared can't stop the way he takes a step closer to Jensen, the way he sinks his fingers in to clutch at Jensen's t-shirt before pulling him close, before pressing their lips together, the need to show Jensen just what this means to him too much.

He feels Jensen tense at the contact immediately. He doesn't push Jared away, but when they part Jared notices the way his eyes survey the area and suddenly what felt so right, pulling his boyfriend in for a kiss, doesn't feel like that anymore.

Jared isn't one for PDA, but at the same time, he's not ashamed, if the situation calls for a kiss, a hug, and this one really did then he's going to do it, be damned who's watching. But maybe Jensen isn't like this. Jared knows he told his mom he was his boyfriend but maybe that's it, maybe he doesn't want to shout it from the rooftops like Jared does.

"So we going in?" Clearing his throat Jensen asks, and Jared doesn't miss the way he shifts awkwardly on his heels. It's the second time today Jared's felt so off balance but he follows Jensen into the store without saying anything, feeling too unsure about himself to question Jensen.

Jared tries to push the uneasiness, that somehow seems to have crawled inside his gut, away as they walk around the centre but it just seems to settle there, and the air between the two of them seems tenser than it's ever been. It doesn't dissipate until Jared's eyes fall on a quiet bitch with doe eyes and sandy fur.

"Hey, Sadie." He coos rolling the name tag of her collar in his fingers as he reads the name, and Jensen rolls his eyes at the lilt his voice takes on. "You're a pretty girl aren't ya." He continues, ignoring Jensen's barely stifled laugh.

Scratching the bitch under the chin, a soft whine works from the back of her throat and tail wagging she bumps her nose against his hand and licks and it only takes a moment but Jared knows he can't leave her here.

"Now that's high praise." The lady who'd greeted them, Stella was it, as they'd arrived, stops by Jensen's side to oversee the introduction. "Kinda skittish that one, never seen her take to a stranger like that before."

"What do you think Jen?" Jared asks, and he's not so sure why it suddenly matters that Jensen loves this dog as much as he does, but it does.

Jensen bends at the knees to reach the dog's level, a hand reaching out to stroke along her back over soft fur and Sadie turns to him then, head nuzzling into Jensen's hand and he openly laughs. "She's great Jay." And the tightening that had started around Jared's chest loosens at the sheer delight he hears in Jensen's voice.

It doesn't take long for him to become completely sure that he's taking Sadie home with him. Hell, it probably only took one look. It happens just like it did with the house. Just one moment was all it took for him to know, for him to get that strange feeling in his chest, that loosening of this weight that he never seems to quite rid himself of.

He plays with Sadie for a good twenty minutes before Jensen decides they maybe need to see someone about 'I dunno, buying this dog' and that's when Jared is enthusiastically greeted by what he pins down to be a Mastiff, all wet licks and bouncing paws.

"Sorry. Man, I'm sorry. He just loves saying hi to everyone." The guy walking the overzealous dog apologises whilst griping the lead and trying to calm him. Jared waves off the apology crouching down to take the dog's head in both hands before scratching behind the ears. There's that loosening again as the dog lurches forward and licks a wide stripe up Jared's cheek and shit now he's half in love with this one too.

He looks up through pleading eyes at Jensen from his spot on the floor.

"Well shit." Jensen chuckles. "I hope you didn't really like your house."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So I may or may not have the most awesome boyfriend." Jared tells Sandy when she finally picks up the phone.

"Ha! Why? Wait... Did you say boyfriend?" And Jared can feel her excitement down the line.

"I did." Jared smiles, really, he's never going to get used to it and so what if he currently feels like a crushing thirteen year-old school girl, he likes it.

"Jensen?" She asks dreamily.

"Hmm, hmm." His reply mirrors her tone before he winces at the squeal that follows it.

"Jesus. One of these you're gonna make me deaf."

"When? How? What did he say?" Sandy bombards him with questions and Jared just chuckles back at her enthusiasm, he can feel her happiness for him and it settles a few of the niggling thoughts about that kiss in the street earlier, because he really isn't going to read into it or dwell on it, he's just going to let it go and maybe not do that again.

"Saturday, he turned up on my doorstep looking kind of lost. I swear I've never seen him look like that before. I really don't wanna see him like that ever again." And isn't that the truth, it had almost been like looking at a reflection of himself, he'd seen the beginning of those haunting memories, but he knows, it isn't going to be the same for Jensen as it was for him. His family love him and once they take a step back and think about it all, accept it all, everything will be okay. "He erm... he'd told his folks, about being gay and his Mom, she'd asked if I was his boyfriend and he'd told her yes. And he just told me that, just like that and then asked me if I wanted to be."

"He came out to his folks for you?" Sandy squeals again. "Damn that boy's head over heels."

"It wasn't for me Sands." It wasn't for me, he repeats to himself. Sure it might be nice, if he had, but Jared doesn't want it to be like that, he'd told Jensen, and he'd meant it, that he needed to do it for himself. Jared doesn't wait to hear Sandy tell him of course he did or some other string of words that are only going to slide into his heart past those last few barriers he's still managing to hold up and crumble them completely, so he takes a breath and tells her more.

"I told him, about, San Antonio and everything." Jared hears Sandy suck in a breath.

"Everything?" She questions, voice showing just a little strain.

"Yeah. Apart from you, he's the only one, really, that knows it all."

"How did he take it?"

"Well. Really pretty well. And he could still look at me afterwards you know. I was so afraid and now that I've done it I'm not really sure what I was afraid of, but it was just, I've spent so much of my life hiding that part of it, became so scared that people knowing would somehow change things. I mean I cried, Sands, I fucking balled my eyes out and we were fucking naked, and that's just beyond mortifying but he just held on and I think it was the first moment that I thought that maybe he really could care."

"You know you're worthy of that Jay." Jared can hear the thickness of tears in her voice, but he wouldn't ever call her on it, he knows the past is as much his burden to carry as it is hers. He knows he hasn't made her life easy and to be honest she hasn't made his, but if he had it to do over again he wouldn't give either of them easy because he wouldn't have Sandy, and he could never have made it this far without her. "At some point you have to let them go. You have to stop waiting for them to accept you."

She knows him so well. Sees the parts of him that he will never admit to. Sees the thoughts he keeps hidden even from himself and that's one of them, the one he tells himself isn't true. He tells himself he doesn't need them, that it doesn't matter, that he's better off without them, but that broken boy inside of him? Sometimes that boy just wants his parents, and really he can't blame himself for that, because what little boy doesn't?

"What the hell was that?" Sandy asks, a large crash from Jared's living room interrupting the suddenly emotionally awkward turn of the conversation.

"Oh that." Jared laughs, trying to shake-off her words, it doesn't really work. "That's actually the reason behind me having the best boyfriend in the world, or well reasons."

"Stop talking in riddles please."

"I got two dogs. No, wait. Jensen got me two dogs. For Christmas." Jared doesn't endorse dogs as Christmas presents, he really doesn't, but he has to admit this is probably the best Christmas present he's ever gotten.

"Holy shit. I've been trying to get that to happen since you moved in!" She says in exasperation.

"I know. He just. He took me to the shelter to pick one, and I saw Sadie, this German Shepherd, and she took one look at me and I was a goner. I finally understand what you mean about not being able to say no to the puppy-dog eyes now. And then we were leaving and Harley just, well, ran right into me and it just all happened again and I couldn't choose so I brought them both home."

"Why am I not surprised?" She sighs before chuckling lightly as another crash comes down the line.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was just a knee-jerk reaction, the way he'd tensed when Jared had kissed him. He hadn't had time to realise what was going to happen before Jared's mouth had suddenly been pressed against his and he'd frozen. Like an idiot. His mind had begun all these stupid scenarios, like maybe there would just happen to be a photographer right there, or someone he knew or they both knew would be walking down the street, which he knows now is completely ridiculous, his luck really isn't that bad and then come to think of it, really, what would be wrong with any of that happening anyway. He isn't proud of it okay but he'd panicked and he keeps trying to tell himself that it doesn't matter, that he hasn't done anything wrong, hell he'd only been out to his parents for a grand total of forty eight hours, he hadn't had the chance to adjust to the kind of thinking that kissing a guy in public isn't something he has to hide anymore. But it doesn't really work, it doesn't erase the disheartened look he'd seen on Jared's face. It doesn't change the fact that he hurt Jared, no matter how unintentionally it may have been. He still did it and he feels like shit for that.

Jensen had hoped, despite the fact that Jared had noticed Jensen's cock-up, that it would just maybe blow over, and maybe at first it had. But now, now he's not so sure. Okay, sure, things seem to be okay when it's just the two of them. Things are fine, things are the same. But in public or at training it's changed. Jared, he's become, well, more restrained. He's always been a pretty touchy feely guy, a hand on the shoulder or a slap on the back were a common occurrence but this week, it's as though he's conscious of not touching Jensen in public at all. It's beginning to drive him crazy.

Jensen's pretty much had it, he's tried being the touchy-feely one for them, he thought maybe that would let Jay know that this was okay, that he was okay with it, but Jensen, he just isn't that kind of guy and so the arm slung round the shoulder or the pat on the back, they somehow just come out awkward and stilted and if anything it seems to add to the tension between the two of them, not alleviate it.

Damn, he wishes he could call his mother. He would've done. Just a week ago, he wouldn't have hesitated to pick up that phone but now, now he finds himself wondering whether that's really the best thing to do. They needed time, to adjust to this or whatever, so maybe calling his mother to ask for advice about his boyfriend, that maybe isn't giving his mother the space she needs. He just, he doesn't like having to second guess what he can tell her, isn't that why he hasn't called her since he got home, because it's easier to say nothing, than to say the wrong thing and mess it all up.

Jensen sighs as he slouches into his couch, life used to be so much easier. Six months ago he didn't have all this drama in his life. Sure there was the lying, and the dating girls he didn't like, and the awkward hook ups with guys he wasn't really interested in and there was the shame, the shame that was constantly eating at him and maybe that wasn't actually any better than his life is now, but it was familiar, he understood that life, he could deal with that life, and a little part of his brain thinks, almost wishes for the easiness of it all.

But then he thinks of Jared. Of the way he has this smile just for Jensen, dimples out in full force and the genuine emotion of it reaching his eyes unlike it does with most, and yeah as sappy as it sounds he wouldn't trade that smile for anything.
And that's why he has to call his Mother and ask for advice, no matter how terrible that might turn out, he has to fix this thing with Jared before it becomes unfixable.

"Hey hunny." His mother greets him, the same smile to her tone that he always hears and he hadn't really realised that he wasn't expecting it to still be there until it is.

"Hey Mom." Jensen says voice faltering just a little on the words.

"Saw Monday's game, tough game, but you played so well." His mother praises, she does this every time he calls, no matter whether he lost his last match or not she always says he played so well. She's maybe justified to be a tad biased what with him being her son and all.

"Thanks Ma." Jensen has to clear his throat before he continues, he guesses he'd really expected this to be awkward, even now he still expects them to turn away from him. "Josh and Mac driving you crazy yet?"

His mother chuckles. "Not at all, you know me and your dad love having you kids home for the holidays. Not that I won't relish a little peace and quiet once the holidays are over, but no one needs to know that. So." His mother pauses. "How's Jared?"
Jensen's heart feels like it's doing a damn tap-dance in his chest. "He's erm... He's good."

"Good." Another pause and Jensen stifles a groan at how awkward it is to talk to your mother about your boyfriend. "We're going to want to meet him you know."

Jensen almost chokes on the words he'd been working up to say. Something about not having to talk about Jared if it makes his mother uncomfortable, but then she just spits that one out, invites Jared to visit, as if they're talking about something as inconsequential as the weather.

"It's erm... I dunno Mom." Jensen answers lamely.

"Jensen Ross. He's your boyfriend isn't he?" His mother's voice holds the no-nonsense tone of his youth, it shouldn't make him feel nostalgic to be scolded by her, but it does.

"Yeah." Jensen says with a wince.

"Then you have to invite him to come meet your family."

"I can't." He says, his voice a little rougher than intended.

"Give me one good reason why not?" She demands.

He almost doesn't want to say it, he knows if he voices his concerns it's likely going to hurt his Mom, and he doesn't want that. It's just. Jensen isn't sure how they're really doing with the gay thing and it's fine if they give him the cold shoulder, it's fine if it's awkward and tense, but he isn't going to willingly put Jared in that situation. He's been hurt enough by people not accepting him he doesn't need to add to that with his own damn family.

When he doesn't answer, his mother's voice comes down the line, softer this time. "Is everything okay between the two of you?"

"Yes everything's fine." Jensen grits out before resting his head in his free hand, hadn't he called her because things weren't okay.

"Actually, no, it's not fine. But that isn't the reason I'm not bringing him."

"Okay, Jensen, first you are going to tell me why you're too ashamed of your family to bring your boyfriend to meet us and then you are going to tell me what is going on between the two of you." He thinks he hears her mumble on the other side of the line about him being a damn stubborn idiot but he decides to let that one go.

"It's - I know it was a shock for you okay." Jensen starts, he feels his palms begin to sweat, fear edging in the back of his mind. "And I know you need some time to get used to the idea or come round to it or something. And that's okay, you taking that time, I understand, as much as I don't like that things are different I understand. But I can't, I can't put Jared in that situation again. He's been - enough people have hurt him by not accepting him and I can't knowingly do that to him."

There's silence for a few minutes and Jensen's worried he's finally sent his mother over the edge. "Well I feel like I should be a little offended because you think I'd invite someone into our home and then mistreat him, do you really think I could do that Jensen?"

"I don't know." Jensen says in exasperation. "I know you wouldn't do it intentionally, I know you wouldn't and to be honest, I'm pretty sure you'd fall in love with him the moment you saw him and just mother him the whole time he's there, but there's still that chance, and I just I don't know if I can take it yet."

"If you care about Jared, then we're going to care about him too sweetheart, because you do. I think maybe this adjusting isn't just on our end. Maybe you need a little time too. Bring him when you're ready. That's all I'll ask, okay?"

"Thanks Ma. I promise I will."

"Is - can I ask about Jared?" His mother says gently.

"It's not really my pain to tell Mom."

"But you're hurting for him?" And Jensen hears the worry she doesn't voice in that simple truth.

"Of course I am. He's my boyfriend and I..." I love him. He can't bring himself to say it, but he feels the honesty of those words in the tightness of his chest as he holds them back. "You know."

"So, tell me what you did to mess things up between the two of you."

"Why do you assume I did something?" Jensen chagrins, just the hint of a whine to his voice.

"Jensen." His mother warns.

"Okay okay." Jensen huffs, his mother knows him far too well. "He kinda, he kissed me, in public and we hadn't done that before and I got all awkward and tense and I really didn't mean to, and I thought things were okay, but this week, he hasn't come anywhere close to touching me, even in just like platonic, normal ways."

"Are you bothered about people seeing you Jensen? Do you want to keep this a secret?"

"No. God no. It was just, I didn't think and I - he caught me off guard okay."

"Good. I think I would've had to come down there to knock some sense into you if you'd said yes." She chuckles down the line. "You need to speak him, and you didn't need me to tell you that, you already knew, you were just being your usual stubborn self."

"Okay."

"Promise me, otherwise I will have to come up there."

"I promise Ma, I'll talk to him today."

It's pretty easy after that to carry on the conversation. His Mom tells him what his brother and sister have been up to over the break, talks about the neighbours and people he knew from school, who's getting married and who's having kids and it's almost like nothing changed. He tells her stories about Jared, about the dogs he got him and how ridiculously sweet it is that Jared loves them so much. He's almost sad when he has to put the phone down.

Despite the conversation and the advice from his mother that he already really knew, he still feels a little silly having to have a conversation with his boyfriend to ask him to touch him, he feels like a needy little girl. But really this isn't about him, he wants Jared to feel comfortable, to be himself, not this quasi partially restrained version.

Jensen's trying, he really is, he wants to be what Jared needs and part of telling his family was about that. He couldn't really be with Jared if they didn't know and that wasn't really fair on either of them, and now, he can't really be with Jared if the team don't know.
It just, that's another damn big step, he's spent the last few years with these guys, day in and day out and he's let them believe something about himself and he's not sure how accepting they're going to be when he comes clean. It's not that he's worried they'll have an issue with him being gay, most of the guys didn't bat an eyelash at Jared coming out, no he's more worried they'll feel betrayed because he lied to them about it for so long.

Still he needs to do this, he needs to make things right.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It had been a strange week, a week of constantly second guessing himself. Jared hadn't meant to let it get to him, he'd told himself he could let Jensen's hesitancy go, and he had, hadn't he? It's not like he'd brought it up, or pushed Jensen, but he'd let it wiggle its way into his psyche. Damn it was messing with him, with everything. He just couldn't help it. Every time he'd gone to touch Jensen, even if it was in a way he would with any of the other guys, he'd only been able to see that look that had come over Jensen's face when he'd frozen, and he'd found himself holding back. It's just, he's not sure what's allowed anymore, what will cause another situation like it and he's driving himself half crazy worrying over it.

But it's going to stop. Today. He can't keep doing this to himself, he can't keep second guessing whatever it is they have, if Jensen doesn't want to be him then he wouldn't be with him. Right?

He's got to stop thinking that every little thing he does is going to make this fall apart or else it will do. He's wiping the slate clean, and he's starting today, tonight. It's New Year's eve and really he can't think of a better time to make a fresh start.

They haven't really talked about plans for tonight and as Jared changes into his hockey gear, raring himself up to face the Islanders, he wonders if they can just spend the time together. Maybe at his, maybe at Jensen's? Just the two of them and the pups. It always seems like they're on even footing when it's just them, like everything will work out.

"JT." Mike greets him with a pat to the back. Jared had wondered if things would become awkward with Mike after that whole drunken night out where he'd said things he hopes will never ever be repeated, in fact he was pretty sure it would become awkward, he'd done far less to lose friends in the past, but Mike had just shrugged it off as if it was all pretty normal, which, thinking about Mike it might have actually been too normal.

"So where's mermaid eyes." Mike asks and Jared groans inwardly, so maybe there are some things about that night that Mike is less willing to let go of, things that he hopes never reach the ears of Jensen.

"Not sure he's here yet." Jared says and really he'd been beginning to wonder where Jensen was himself.

"Huh! Thought you two were attached at the hip or something." Mike teases.

"Shut up man." And that's when he hears the tell tale sound of Jensen's laugh, full and open and he turns to see Jensen's arm slung around Chris both of them chuckling about something. It's relaxed and honest in a way that he wishes he could be with Jensen and it rips at something inside of him. Fresh slate, he reminds himself. He can have that, he's going to let himself have that.

He shares a smile with Jensen as he and Chris join their section of the locker room. They don't really talk as they get ready, some light banter but that's it, each of them getting into their own head space for the match, it isn't uncommon really, well for them anyway.
Jared listens to Kripke's pre-game talk and like always most of it goes in one ear and right out of the other, it's not that he doesn't respect their coach or value his advice, it's just that this close to a game, minutes before he's about to step out there he likes to find that inner calm, he likes to block out all the insecurities all the worries and just focus on what he knows he can do with a hockey stick and a pair of skates. That's why he's pretty startled when Jensen pulls him aside moments before they're about to step out.

There's something in Jensen's eyes that Jared doesn't recognize at first, but as he shifts his weight to his other foot and clears his throat, he realises Jensen's nervous, anxious about something.

"Can we, can we talk later?" Jensen asks and Jared wonders how a simple question can floor him.

Mumbling out a nonchalant 'yeah sure' he passes by Jensen and out into the rink, it doesn't stop his heart from beating wildly in his chest or the feeling of dread to settle into the pit of his stomach.

Mike eyes him warily as he joins him on the bench, knocks their knees together as he asks. "You okay man?"

"Yeah fine." He grits the words out, doesn't believe them.

Can we talk later? What does that mean? With the weirdness of this week Jared's beginning to think it can only mean one thing, right? Does Jensen want to end things? Jared doesn't want to think that, he really doesn't, he's minutes away from stepping out for a game, a game he needs to be focussed for and he really can't let those thoughts in without breaking.

Despite his focus and the fact that Jared's sure he just played the best he has all season he still finds himself sitting in the locker room having lost 3-2. He can't really bring himself to be overly annoyed about it, yeah, sure, he likes to win, he plays to win but if he plays his best and he loses then really, yeah it sucks, but there isn't much more he can do and he's not going to beat himself up over it either.

After showering, he dresses slowly, the room fairly quiet, there's tension in the air, the kind that always makes itself known after a defeat. Some of the guys will make jokes to try to ease it and on good days, if the loss doesn't hurt too bad, a simple bit of laughter will ease all their moods.

It seems like Chris is the guy to try that tonight, and Jared isn't really surprised when Chris stands on the bench motioning everyone round and telling them to shut their damn mouths. Still Jared eyes him warily, Chris making announcements can only really mean one thing. A party. And damn, he'd forgotten, he had completely forgotten that Chris had mentioned, off -hand that he might be able to get them some tickets somewhere for New Year's. Jared wonders if he can just slip out the back, maybe grab Jensen on the way so he can find out what's going on before he goes insane analysing all the possible things Jensen could want to talk about.

"So I got us all on the list for an awesome New Year's party, like I told y'all I would, so I don't wanna hear any excuses from anyone, y'all got thirty minutes to be ready or I'm dragging you outta here buck naked." Chris pauses for effect before adding. "Don't think I won't."

Jared notices that that last sentence is directed at Jensen and he thinks huh what's up with that. It's also pretty damn clear that he isn't getting out of going to this thing. Which sucks. He glances down at his grey slacks and black shirt, it's his game outfit, he forgot to bring anything else with him, wasn't intending on going out afterwards, he sighs and guesses he'll just have to make do with this.
He tries to grab a moment with Jensen before they leave, just to put his mind a little bit more at ease but Chris quickly intercepts, winding his arm around Jensen's shoulders and Jared doesn't hold back the scowl that works over his features, he's really having no damn luck today.

"Pretty boy here's with me." Chris says before calling to Tom and Justin that he's their ride there and trying to herd them along. Jensen gives him an apologetic smile as Chris leads him out but he doesn't stop him or say anything and Jared feels his worry start to claw at him.

A hand to his arm stops him from just walking over there, dragging Jensen away and demanding him to tell him what the hell is going on. He turns to look back at Mike and he swears he sees pity in those eyes and that, that just makes Jared's anger step up a notch. He doesn't need pity, he's seen enough of it to last a life time.

"You're with me." Mike tells him. "Leave your car here, pick it up tomorrow." And before Jared can think of protesting, of putting his foot down and saying he's going home, Mike's already gone, off in the direction of the cars. What a fun night this is gonna be, he thinks.

Jared doesn't even need to use his fake ID when they head into the club, the bouncer just steps aside, shares a laugh with Chris and then lets them all file in. Does Chris know everybody? It certainly feels that way sometimes.

Once inside the guys break off into groups a few heading for the dance floor, another group chance their luck at the tables where a bunch of girls are celebrating, Jared decides to join Chris, Mike, Jensen and the rest of their group at the bar as Chris orders the first round of shots.

He hands them out before turning to Jared.

"So a soda for you?" He jokes, holding Jared's shot just out of reach.

"As long as there's a healthy shot of JD in it yeah." Jared laughs before reaching out to grab the shot from him. Chris willingly hands it over before settling by Jensen's side that damn arm draped around his shoulder again. This is okay, Jared tells himself, they can have a few drinks and then he can find a quiet corner to talk with Jensen, because it can't be that bad. It can't. Sure the past week has been a little strange, but when they've been together it's still been good. Jensen can't be ending this. New slate, he tells himself, new slate where he gives Jensen the benefit of the doubt. New slate where he stops sabotaging things before they actually go wrong. New slate where... Jensen is into girls?

His skin crawls as he looks up to see Danneel plastered up tight against Jensen's other side, mouth pressed against his ear and Jensen is just smiling at her, a real smile. Not those fake ones he gives to most people.

Jared almost chokes on his drink when he sees them and there's something heavy and hot in his chest, that's growing, as he watches them. He doesn't really care for the feeling. He watches as Danneel steps back from Jensen and the two start talking. He could take a step forward and he'd probably be able to make out the words, but he's not sure he wants to. The room suddenly feels too warm and all Jared's earlier anxieties come back to him, Jensen's 'can we talk' looping round his head.

"I'm gonna..." Jared mumbles to Mike motioning somewhere on the other side of the room before turning and walking, well, anywhere, just away from that and the fact that his heart currently feels like it's crumbling and he doesn't know why.

He hears Mike call out to him but he just blends into the crowd on the dance floor, stooping his shoulders so he can get lost in them. He thinks he maybe understands Mike's pity from earlier, did he know about this. About Danneel. Are they together again? Did Jensen change his mind after all?

When he finds a set of stairs he climbs them, the upper level of the club is a little quieter, more tables, another bar and he sits himself on a stool and motions for the bartender.

"Something strong." He tells him and the guy just nods before he sets a drink in front of him.

His gut churns as he replays the scene downstairs. He'd never really thought that Jensen was a complete dick. He'd thought for sure that Jensen did things that made him look like a dick, but he'd never actually thought he was one. But now, now that's all he can think. He can't get the thought that Jensen couldn't even wait to break up with him, and it makes Jared seethe, or maybe that was the break up, maybe letting Danneel mark her territory like that was his way of letting Jared know this was over.

With the mixture of alcohol and anxiety his mind is going crazy and he can't help thinking who else knew, Chris? Mike? Justin? They must've all been laughing behind his back. What an idiot. He knows better. He knew better. And still he let Jensen get close. And even as he's thinking that, he doesn't want to let himself believe it. Somewhere inside, beneath the hurt and confusion and the sheer endless conclusions he's jumping to, he can't let himself believe that the guy he loves would do this to him. The guy that bought him two dogs for Christmas, wouldn't do this, would he?

He knocks back the drink, winces as it burns on its way down and signals to the bartender to keep them coming. He's not sure how long he sits there, but he thinks he hears a few of his teammates across the room after a while. He doesn't turn to look, not sure he's ready for what he might see.

It all just blurs past him, he's lost in his mind until he hears the crowd begin to chant, the countdown to the New Year starts and Jared chuckles to himself without humour, he'd thought maybe this one would be different, he'd been a fool to think that. Pretty lousy to not even have someone to kiss on New Year's he thinks and then someone's hand is on his shoulder, another on his jaw turning his face and he doesn't get a chance to think through his alcohol glazed mind about what's happening until there are lips pressed against his, lips that feel distinctly familiar, and that taste as a tongue licks into his mouth, of beer and mints but underneath that, that delicious taste is Jensen. He doesn't think about where they are, or who might see, he doesn't think about what happened earlier, or his own insecurities, he's just wrapped up in Jensen and this moment and how much he wants this, how much he needs this and how much he can't let this go.

He doesn't hear the cat-calls from the across the room until Jensen pulls back and the bright smile on Jensen's lips dies a little as they filter through to him as well. Jared feels his own face fall, because it's obvious Jensen doesn't want this, that he's still awkward about this, what is this, what was that, goodbye? Or was he proving a point, still playing with him, for the guys? Jared's gaze flicks over to the guys and then he tries to turn his head away, but Jensen just holds him steady.

"I should've asked." He says. "Before I did that I should've asked if this, if them knowing was okay."

Jared stares back in disbelief, because he doesn't understand.

"But - " Jared starts shaking his head, trying to get some brain cells to work. "Danneel?"

"What?" Jensen says and has the gall to look at him as if he doesn't know what Jared's talking about.

Jared pushes him back a step, needing a little air.

"I thought." Jared doesn't know what to say, he doesn't understand what's going on. "Danneel?"

It's Jensen's turn to look at Jared in disbelief and Jared just scoffs trying to turn away. If he stays here he's going to break and he can't, he really can't give Jensen that, but Jensen just won't let him go, won't let this go.

"She came up to me, and she plastered herself on me before I had a chance to stop her. But I did Jay, and then I told her, that I was with someone, that I was with you and then I spent the rest of the night looking for your sorry ass." Jensen looks exasperated as he talks.

"You're not breaking up with me?" Jared asks warily.

"Why the hell would you think that?" Jensen asks incredulously.

"It's just, well you said we needed to talk and that often doesn't mean good things Jensen, and then I saw Danneel and I thought you two were, I dunno, back together."

"Shit. I wanted to talk, to tell you that I was sorry for last week, that I wanted to be open about this relationship, but then Chris fucking dragged me here and I didn't get the chance to. Me and Danneel back together? That's crazy man, where did you get that from. I may be a lot of things Jay, but I don't cheat." Jensen rakes a hand through the short strands of his hair, a habit Jared's comes to realise means he isn't quite comfortable. "I just kissed you in front of the team Jay. Would I do that if I didn't want this?"

It truly hits Jared then that Jensen does want this, and the man himself is looking at Jared as if the next words from his lips might break him. He doesn't say anything at all, just lets his fingers clutch in the soft material of Jensen's shirt, and Jensen leans into the touch as Jared pulls him forward taking his mouth with his once again and any thought of not wanting this, any doubts of what this is between them, dies out with that kiss.

"I'm sorry." Jared apologises as they break away from each other.

"Don't." Jensen stops him, leaning down to rest their foreheads against each other. "I should be the one that's sorry. I screwed this up. I'm not great with talking about how I feel Jay. It's just..." Jared loves the feel of Jensen pushing his hair back from his face, loves the way his eyes bore into him, and Jared knows Jensen doesn't have the words to say how he feels because neither does he. How can he describe the way his chest feels tight when he looks at him, how he feels light and giddy just being near Jensen, how the thought of this being over breaks something inside of him. How it's all of those things and so much more.

"So what do you say to getting out of here, and I can make tonight up to you."

Pushing Jensen back, Jared's breath is short and shallow as he looks at him, really looks. Clean slate he reminds himself. "I suppose I could be persuaded."

Jensen chuckles pulling Jared in close. Jensen waves a hand in acknowledgement to their friends as he leads Jared away from the bar. Jared's fairly certain he hears a wolf-whistle as they leave and he's pretty sure that that whistle belongs to Chris, but he doesn't turn to look back just keeps on walking with Jensen, a slight blush rising over his features, because hey, it's kind of awkward, that now all their friends know they're going home to have sex.

"Sorry about Chris man." Jensen apologises as he trails to hail a cab. "He was being such a douchebag earlier, he knew I didn't want to go out tonight and he knew if I got in a car I was going to talk you into just going home so we could talk, and I'm going to kill him later for not letting me."

Jared thinks he might like to join in on the killing thing, because without Chris there wouldn't have been the Danneel incident and Jensen getting to see all of his crazy, he's still not sure how he feels about having let it out, and they could've been at home and talked and be much more naked right now.

"That's why Mike made me ride with him too right?" Jared says.

"Yeah probably, they knew if you didn't turn up I'd just take off. They thought something was up with us." A cab finally pulls up to the curb where they're standing and Jensen opens the door, waits for Jared to slide in before he does, and things like that shouldn't make Jared's heart race, because he isn't a girl, he doesn't need Jensen to be chivalrous and open doors and do things for him, but he can't help it, he really kind of likes it.

"Hmm, sorry about that. I've been kind of..." Jared circles his finger close to his temple, that he hopes resembles his craziness. "This week."

Jensen snorts at the motion and Jared's words. "Tell me about it." He teases.

"Hey!" Jared replies indignantly shoving Jensen even as a laugh bubbles its way out of his throat.

"Just - " Jensen starts, his voice a little shakier, the humour completely gone. "We should be able to talk right." His eyes dart to the cabbie in the front and Jared thinks Jensen's about to forget all about whatever it is he's working up to but then he just throws Jared a smile, one that says 'fuck it' and he just carries right on. "So if I've got a problem. Or you've got a problem. We just say it, okay, and then we deal with it."

Jared eyes Jensen curiously, before inclining his head in agreement, it sounds like a pretty good idea to him. Pretty straight forward in theory, who knows how it'll play out.

The ride isn't long and Jared's thankful, he can't wait to find out all the ways Jensen feels like apologising to him, but when he unlocks the door, instead of heading up to Jared's room, Jensen's moving in the direction of the living room as the dogs come to greet them. He raises a brow when he looks at Jared and sees his confusion.

"I thought we were gonna." Jared motions his head in the direction of the stairs. "You know."

"Oh I know. But you gotta let the dogs out before they destroy the place, come on." He pulls Jared away from the stairs as the dogs circle round them, bumping their noses into legs and urging the two of them to the back of the house.

Jared opens the back door and contemplates just leaving it like that and dragging Jensen to bed, because he really, really wants Jensen underneath him right now, but Jensen doesn't give him a chance, just tugs on his arm and pulls him out onto the porch.
The dogs chase wildly through the long grass, Jared thinks he might never cut it and he can't help but laugh as he watches them and settle in to Jensen's arm wrapped around his waist. They're going to be soaked from the moisture and Jensen's probably going to bitch when they jump up at him all wet paws but he doesn't care. He's just taking a moment to enjoy this. The cool night air and the quiet, the only sound that of the playful yips of the dogs and Jensen's breath in his ear. He aches from the sheer joy it brings him and it's almost painful, but this almost feels like family.

"So I remember someone promising to make something up to me." Jared teases shifting his hip against Jensen's side.

"Oh yeah?" Jensen replies turning into Jared's body and just crowding him up against the wall, mouthing at Jared's jaw shooting a thrill though Jared's body. "I think I might recall something about that."

Jared squirms against Jensen's grip as the vibration of Jensen's words are absorbed by his skin, nerves going a little haywire from the sensation. Reluctantly he draws back to shout over to the dogs and they come running after only a few calls, and really that's a pretty good improvement, soon they might even come the first time he calls.

Jensen watches him all hungry eyed and Jared tries to settle the dogs as fast as possible, because all he wants right now is naked Jensen and his hands on that skin, but it's like they sense his excitement or something and Jensen just chuckles at his failed attempts to settle them down.

Jared's buzzing with need and want by the time he actually manages to drag Jensen up the stairs.

"Off." Jared demands, tugging at Jensen's shirt as they fall through the door to Jared's room. Between quick touches and light kisses they shed their clothes until they're both stood, breath a little heavy, naked, hard, in the middle of the room.

Jared might feel uncomfortable around someone else, he's never been one to walk around naked, but there's something about the way Jensen looks at him, eyes roaming his body, drinking him in, like he's been starved of it for so long, and it lights this fire under Jared's skin, which only burns brighter when Jensen stops just looking and reaches out to touch.

Warm skin slides against warm skin as Jensen leans up, resting on the tips of his toes, to press kisses to the corner of Jared's mouth. Fingers ghost along his forearms, sending a shiver down his spine as Jensen draws them closer, a moan of blissful pleasure escaping his lips as their cocks rub against each other.

"Wanna taste you Jay." Jensen murmurs between kisses, pressing Jared back and down onto the mattress, crawling over him until he's straddling his hips. "Then, I'm gonna ride you."

Jared's hips jerk forward as the meaning of Jensen's words ring through him. Hot, is all Jared can think, that sounds beyond hot.

"I'll do all the work Jay." Jensen's lips trail over Jared's pecs, tongue laving over Jared's sensitive nipples, causing his back to arch, hips rising up off the bed. He moves lower, and Jared sucks in a breath as Jensen's tongue dips into the hollow of his belly button, squirms at the jolt of need it sends through him.

"Won't have to do anything."

Jared's eyes slip closed as Jensen's hand wraps round the base of his cock, squeezes and the breath comes rushing out of him in response.

"Just lie there and take it."

And then Jensen's tongue licks along the underside of his cock and it's all Jared can do to keep still. Jensen's mouth, just the thought of that mouth, has him rock hard, but that tongue working over him, dipping into the slit at the head, teasing over him and those words, it's almost too much. He's lost to anything but the feel of Jensen's mouth on him.

He has to grip his hands in the bedding to ground himself when he feels himself slide into the wet heat of Jensen's mouth, feels lips tight around him, smooth and soft. A hand holds his hips into the bed to stop him pushing forward, to stop him from burying himself completely down Jensen's throat, and he would, that's how far Jensen can take him with his mouth, he can make him lose his mind completely until all he sees is his need and the coiling tension demanding to be released.

It's not enough and too much when Jensen slides his mouth off, looks up at Jared with hungry eyes a hum of satisfaction vibrating from him before shifting to fully straddle Jared hips again.

Jared isn't prepared when he feels the head of his cock brushing against the crack of Jensen's ass, he's even more unprepared for the slick feel of lube and his breath gets caught in his chest, his muscles tense as he realises what that means.

"Did you open yourself up whilst you were sucking me off?" Jared asks in pure disbelief, really how could he have missed that.

"I might have." Jensen says before bearing down on Jared's dick. They've only done this once before, Jared sliding into the slick heat of Jensen and somehow, as he pushes past that first barrier, buries himself a couple of inches inside, he thinks it feels better than the first time, and really he didn't think that was even possible.

"Uh - God - I." Struggling to find the words to tell Jensen just how hot and tight and unbelievable this feels he grips Jensen's hips tighter than really necessary, raises his hips and slides in another inch.

"Holy - fuck." Jensen curses as the sensation of being filled hits him full force, but he doesn't stop Jared, just lowers himself a little further until he's taking all of him.

They stay like that for a moment, Jared buried in Jensen, heaving breaths the only sound in the room, and then Jensen moves, not much, just this slight swivel of his hips, and Jared grits his teeth as pleasure washes over him. It hits him then, why this feels so good, why it's so different.

"Shit. Jen. Condom." He's not sure he makes sense, but it's taking everything to find a few brain cells that aren't focussed on how damn good it feels to have his cock surrounded by Jensen to form just those few syllables.

Jensen leans down head resting against Jared's before he manages to speak. "So good." He lets out on moan. "Never - I'm clean. Never - shit - you?"

What Jared takes from that is that Jensen's pretty much as far gone right now as he is, and he doesn't seem to care about a condom, he's clean, and Jared trusts that and really this just feels too damn good to stop.

"Yeah. Me too." Jared breathes out and then all hope of conversation or stopping is lost as Jensen begins to move, slow drawn out drags up before using his body weight to slam himself back down, sending Jared's body into overdrive with each movement.
It's uncoordinated, fumbling, each riding their selfish need to release and Jared thinks it might be the best thing he's ever felt. He manhandles Jensen forward into a kiss, holds the body above his steady before he begins to thrust in earnest, hard and fast and unrelenting. Something about the angle or position or just the moment has Jensen keening on top of him sending Jared's arousal higher with each sound.

"There - holy fuck -ah - right there Jay." Jensen's fingers clutch into Jared's biceps, likely leaving marks, and Jared likes the idea of that a little too much. He listens to the change in Jensen's breathing, feels the way his body tightens around his cock and he knows Jensen's close, but before he can even get a hand between them to help Jensen get there, Jensen's whole body tenses, fingers dig in further and he grinds down on Jared's cock as he spills across both their stomachs.

It snaps something in Jared, that release, something primal and his hips jerk faster into Jensen working him through the orgasm, milking everything from him and each time Jensen's muscles contract around him it just sends him closer to the edge. Untouched, Jared thinks, just came fucking untouched and it's that thought that has him burying as deep as possible into Jensen, dragging a cry from the guy as he grazes over over-sensitized nerves and it all becomes too much. Jared presses his lips into Jensen's, surrounds himself in the man he loves, in his taste and his heat and lets himself go. His hips jerk a few times, trying to force himself even deeper as he comes, feels it, slick and hot as he shifts his cock through the final few thrusts. Jensen's hand brushes the hair stuck to his forehead back and presses his lips to the skin there as they both come down, trying to get a grip on reality again.

"Thought you were supposed to be doing all the work." Jared smirks as they lie panting, still tangled in each other.

"You can drive anytime Jay." Jensen says sliding a hand over the tight muscle of Jared's abs. "Fucking hot. Happy New Year man."

"Hmm... yeah, best damn New Year ever." Jared admits and Jensen just chuckles before curling himself around the warm body and settling in, and thinking yeah sure, best damn New Year.

Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11